My wound has almost recovered. Just like what you have predicted, it can barely be seen. I left the well-hidden cottage at the country side and joined you at your club. As an agent whose face been seen before, I have to put on a disguise whenever I am in public’s eyes.

By day, you are the plain and common Jane who wouldn’t capture anyone’s attention. You spent most of your time going through news and medical journals, browsing the markets for information and any possible leads. By night, you transformed into the attractive and charming lady host of your club, mingling amongst businessman, military personnel, politicians etc. By the wee hours of the night, you became the surgeon who saved the injured rebels, whenever required. At times, I would assist you in your well-hidden OT at the secret chamber of your club. You are really composed and proficient, no matter what was put in front of you. You always put in your best, with the limited assistance and equipment available.

I spent much of the initial days at your club recuperating and re-assembling my team. When I was well enough, I started my individual missions. In between that, I planned group operations with my team mates. The highly reliable intel from your team aided us. Be it a group or individual assignment, we worked and coordinated together almost seamlessly.

Whenever I am back from missions, no matter how late it may be, you are almost always awake, reading, thinking or sorting out somethings. I rarely see you rest. You are so motivated, learning, doing and achieving in every way possible. You are like a muse to an artist, inspiring us to be stronger, better.

On some brighter mornings, I’ll accompany you into the forests to get some fresh supplies of herbs to experiment, hoping to improvise some into medication to replace those western medication which is so hard to come by.

We found a blossoms meadow, a huge field, near the well-hidden cottage. There, we could practice in the field or take cover in the small forest beside while having vision of the broad horizon and notice any incoming intruders.

To our surprise, some thoughtful folks actually made a swing at the bough of the grand tree at the meadow. We go there, wherever the day is better, or worst. I taught you to fish, while you dug sweet potatoes that we will roast in a campfire, under the stars. Legends are forgotten as we usually looked at the night sky for navigation clues.

“You know many languages. Have you ever been to the countries where those languages are used frequently?” I asked once.

“No,” you answered, “But one day, I’ll visit Japan, France, the northern Europe for the aurora, Egypt for the Sphinx, … “

“Yes, to witness the wisdom of the past.” I added. “Let me join you in your quest ..”

“Sure, the porter position is always available!” you laughed.  

 

Whenever time permits, we will practise hard there. We shared skills that we each excel at. You taught you how to make and throw darts, while I polished up your shooting skills.  Practise, hard work and effort, we poured in whenever we can.

“Opportunity, is the window, which is what we need.” I said.

“We need to practice enough to be ever ready. As opportunity is only meant for those who are ready to grab.” You supplemented. “That’s why we are here, practising.”

I laughed and shared my bottle with you, which you took a big gulp without a second thought. You are so real, so true, so innocent.

It was also there, together, we will recharge, formulate strategies, execute the plans, devise, revise, devise the plans, till we reach the intended goals. Your sanguineness, smiles, never fail to introduce light to my days. You are also like a magnet, that kept me attracted.

I seen you saved many lives in your minimalist OT, but lost some too. In the depths of such nights, you will lock herself in the small dungeon to go through the stacks and stacks of medical journals over and over again. Trying to improve? Trying to make amends? When all of us know that you have done your best. One of such nights, I knocked and entered. You were nose deep in your journals. The smile was missing from your usually cheerful face. I brought you a cup of hot tea. In the flickering light, I saw glistening in your eyes. My heart went out to you before my mind. I approached, removed your books and held you gently. It felt so right to have you in my arms, to give you comfort. Then, I felt your shivers. You left my arms gently, dried your tears, and sent me out, not forgetting to give an excuse that you have a lot to read to make me feel better. You are always considerate. That night, you did not turn off the lamp. 

Then on, after each of your individual mission, I’ll wait for you to be back and leave a cup of hot tea on your desk. After every of my individual mission, no matter how late, I’ll also find a bottle of warm water on my bed. There has been no exception. I didn’t seek confirmation but I could decipher the anonymous sender’s identity easily.

Once, it was too late to return to the club after our mission. You dozed off under our grand tree. I sat beside you silently, the fire to keep it going, also keeping watch of the surroundings. Nearing dawn, I approached you with hot tea. “Young, it’s time to leave.” You fluttered your eye lids and I peered into the contents. Your eyes blurry, dreamy, practically childlike. It is a vision that I never had the privilege to glimpse before. “Hyungsik, you have such lovely ebony hair”, you blurted out while your hand reached out to touch my hair. I was gladdened that you remembered my name, not just my alias. Our eyes met, gleaming with intensity. Was that a confession? I asked myself.

Regrettably, that magic only lasted briefly as you woke up swiftly.  I know that I should not ask and need not question your commitment. I know, I know all that - We are agents. For each dawn is a gift as we may not live to see the light of the other. No one other than us understand this fact better, and personally, than us. We watch our comrades rise, and fall. We buried our fears, carry the fallen one’s wishes and move on with more force, as we continue their will and unfinished tasks. What we embrace is comradeship, not mutual feelings.  Till the day that our nation is liberated, we will then be our true selves. Feelings, though a necessity, is a distant extravagance now.  What I felt was forbidden. I forcefully shelved it aside.

 

One day, I didn’t see you around since dawn. That afternoon, I caught you walking towards the meadow but did not hear me calling out for you. I followed you and mischievously sprang a surprise on you. Your sharp and fatal blow came so close. I ended up with a slit although I blocked most of that by instinct. I saw the surprise in your eyes too, when you realised that it was me. “Don’t ever spring out behind me again. I.. I could have killed you!” you left a bandage and hurried off. I have never seen you so furious, in my memory.

Late that afternoon, I found my filled water bottle on my desk. I found you at the grand tree. “I am sorry,” I apologised sincerely, taking the seat beside you.

“No, it’s not you. I should be sorry for flaring up at you. I am sorry.” We paused for a while.

I attempted to change the topic to ease the highly dense air surrounding us. “Where did you go this morning? I didn’t see you at all.”

“I was out of town to pay my respects. My grandparents left me today, years ago.” I covered your cold hands with mine. “They died in an ambush, in a much unexpected attack. Some internal info was leaked.” Your voice weak, and broke.

Traitor. Mole. Ambush. Those made you lose whom you cared for. Now, I understand your earlier reaction. “I am sorry.” That were the only words that came to my mind. I pulled you close, patting your shoulder with my right hand.

I felt your pain, and hoped to share the weight that you carried.

We sat wordlessly and watched the sun disappeared into horizon. 

 

The days with you were busy and enriching. You impressed me further with each passing dawn. In my eyes, you are really an ace, an almost impossible gem. I know that you do not reject me being near you. However, I guessed your dilemma.

My thoughts always steered towards you, for you, instinctively, as if they are on autopilot mode.

It did get progressively hard for me to watch you dancing between businessmen and politicians, fishing and exchanging information. Those underlying potential dangers that I was well aware of kept pushing me to my edge.

One night, I was subtly protecting your back at your club since your agent was away. I witnessed how that elite harassed and flirted with you openly. I clenched my fist and felt steam rising through my head. I wanted to hammer him flat for what he had done. I saw you glaring at me, I know that’s you telling me to keep my cool, to look at the big picture. I know.. but.. I swallowed and walked out for a moment to catch my bearings.

Later that night, when we were alone after the debrief, I asked, “How did you manage?”

“I have to as that’s required.”

“I know you needed to do, but I really detest it. It pains me. It hurts me to see that you are walking on such thin ice, so much that I froze. You are amazing. You form the connections so naturally, think so fast, link associations and merge information together in an incredible rate, and to high accuracy. If not Agent Y, you can be an adept surgeon or shrewd businessman who can lead a much more comfortable life. Yet you stayed, helped, to carry on the will of your grandparents.  You are admirable.” I approached you, “On the surface, you always a ready smile for those jerks. I know how hard that is. I know how heavy is your real load, and the demands you placed on yourself. We worked really hard in whatever missions, hoping to lighten the load.  And LISTEN TO ME! It is our common load, not only yours (I held your shoulders, hoping to infuse some sense into you.) Don’t put EVERYTHING onto yourself!  I.. I’ll do anything I can to assist you.”

Surprisingly (or not surprisingly), you cut me short. Did you read me? “Don’t carry on.. I am not worth it.”  You shouted.

“Worth it or not, it’s up to me to decide, not you..,” I wanted to spill my heart all out, since I already started it.

“Don’t focus on me and lose your edge. It’ll be too dangerous.” You slammed on my brakes, brutally, causing a silent shriek. You left me alone in the room, under the dim overhead lamp.

[K. Will, Dropping the Tears - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIjGzZgu_yY ]

 

After that night, we stopped talking outside of missions.

The air was awkward we were occasionally left alone in the same confined space. We just stood staring. You always leave with a sigh. I did not give chase, as I don’t know what I could say to change your mind.

If time is what you/we need, I'll wait. To me, you are more than worth it.

Whenever I am around, be it whether your staff are around, I’ll be in your vicinity, with my shell hidden well at blind spots where you couldn’t spot or sense. I wanted to check on you, to ensure that you are safe.

Our ritual of warm tea and filled water bottle continued wordlessly.

That carried on for months.

 

I peered through the one-way glass to survey on your gathering with some politicians in the private room. Hands shook, messages changed hands, but the opposite parties charged in the room at that instant. Where did they get the information? Did we miss out something? My brain started to process the possibilities. Beats of sweat appeared on my forehead. You were visibly calm, and managed the expectations and requests from both sides.

Later that night, you disbanded the team decisively.  

I was the last one there for I don’t wish to leave you. You were firm, “I think I am close to being exposed. The rest had already left. You must leave now when there is still time. (You forced a piece of paper in my hands.) This is your ticket. Go, your contact should be at xxx waiting.” You said calmly and pointed at the back door.

“No, I couldn’t. You know that I wouldn’t.”

“No, you go now”, you insisted.

I held your arm, “Here, look at me!” I removed my disguise completely and pulled you close to face my real face. I also tried hard to read the true you, beneath your agent’s identity.

“This is not a debate. You must leave now. Once they dig deep enough, I’ll be compromised. I’ll stay and buy some time for you, for all of us. Go, you still have a chance.” Your voice was firm while your hands shivered and betrayed your words.

“No. If not for you, I would have died long ago. I couldn’t go, wouldn’t go now. I’ll distract them. You go!”

“No!” was your flat reply.

We are really stubborn and fiercely protective. Thus, locking ourselves in a stalemate.

“Hyungsik, listen to me. (You held my hands. You chose to soften your stance.) Please go when there is still time. I already have many lives on my account. I can’t add you to my conscience. I don’t think I would be able to survive it.” Your voice soft, gentle, breaking. I heard the truth. The voice from your heart. I was so irrationally touched that instant.  

Death, you are not scary. It is just the end of living. That happened. Similar to living, death is only worthwhile when there is a meaning. I care deeply for you. What I really want is to protect you and keep you away from harm. As long as I can protect you, we are together, that’s all that matters.

My mind is made. My face is set.

“Do you really want me to go?” I asked as I pulled you right into my arms. I contained your struggles. “Listen. I know the pain you have, for I carried it too. Death is pale compared to losing you. You are worth much more than everything. Do you understand? Don’t be scare. Let me share your load.” Your struggles lessened. I added, “Let’s disappear together. If their prey is you, they would have to kill me first.”

I embraced you, tightly. When I let go, we gazed deep at each other. Our breathes warming each other’s cheeks. I arranged your fringe, there is this small lovely mole on your forehead, near your fringe. I repeated, “I’ll leave only if you do. (I held your hand) Take me. I am yours.” Gradually, I felt your arms gathered around my waist and tightened round my back. It was then, there, that I physically felt your response, your agreement. That juncture, that one moment, was the only indulgence we had.

“Okay. We leave now!” you finally agreed.

That was your acceptance, I copied that.

 

We ran and avoided them for a day. Pity that a day was all we have.

We were caught in the forest. That same forest where you fished me away.

“Agent H. It has been a while.”

I heard and recognised that sinister voice. Cold but expected. I scanned the surroundings, looking for an outlet, something but none.

“Just take me”, I yelled.

“No. I thought you were in hell, but apparently you are not. Don’t worry, you are close.” That voice continued, “Good that we rounded you both together. Saved us a trip! We are receiving our bonus tonight!” was another menacing laugh.

You damn traitors! Although still humans, some humans, are villainous beyond belief.

I placed myself in front of you, while holding your hand tight.

Gunshots heard. I felt my heart burned.