I was outraged! I was so tired after a long day, but didn’t manage to rest. I only have that dream only once in a while in the past. Recently, it had become a daily affair! Why am I having the same dream again and again, be it I dozed off in my office, or lying on my bed at home? It was always the same. The same tall man with a much too pixelated face to match anyone that I know. I could only feel his warmth, his smile, his genuine concern for me. I’ll always offer roasted baked potatoes to him, hand him a bottle of warm water. We always meet under that magnificent tree, that swing… that huge, yellow blossoms field, my favourite yellow colour.. I never been able to see his face! It is so tiring to keep repeating the same scenario over and over again without any progress. I took a look at my phone. It was still in the wee hours of the morning. Frustrated that I couldn’t get back to bed again, I fired up my laptop to search, where the hell is that huge field of warm, brilliant, warm yellow? Was it my imagination? I browsed through the downloaded pictures on my screen… Then, I saw it, that mansion, no, it was that yellow field, exactly the same field! I zoomed in, and saw that tree and swing! So it is real? I didn’t imagine things? The address was there under the picture. I took my car keys and stormed off.

I reached. It was almost dawn. I walked towards that magnificent tree, touched the swing. I am pleasantly surprised that it worked. From the looks of it, the place was well maintained. I raised my eyes to meet the lush canopy above me, a labyrinth array of branches. I placed my hand on the bark, and started to trace round its circumference. My feet aren't so small but it is usually challenging strike a balance on the clumps of roots, careful of the pits and holes to avoid unnecessary sprains. However, here, an unexplainable sense of familiarity that washed through me enabled me to manage rather gracefully, as if my feet anticipated the holes, like I have walked on them thousands of times. That felt strangely familiar and comforting. I took that seat on the swing, swung lightly. The cool breeze on my face dissipated my earlier frustration and anger. It is really a wonder that I dreamt of a place that I had never been and found it in the wee hours of the day without much hardship and detours. Then, my surroundings started to light up, not by the rising sun, but by hundreds of little flickering bugs that surrounded me. While I immersed in this wonder, a male’s voice startled me.

“Hi!”

I was shaken awake. Then, I was totally shocked by the face that greeted me. From the looks of it, the surprise registered on his face was no less than mine. In his hands, there was hot tea and baked sweet potatoes.

“How? Why?”

I don’t know how to explain why I am here and that he will not consider me nuts. “I found a lovely place via the internet and decided to go there to relax and recharge.” That’s the partial truth. “I didn’t expect to see you here!” Dr HS Park, that brilliant surgeon who always argue with me, was the last person that I expected to meet here.

He nodded but didn’t seem completely convinced.

Suddenly, my stomach rumbled. Sharks! I cursed myself.

“Here!” he offered me what he was holding. “Have some.”

I smiled in slight embarrassment and accepted. “Thank you”.

Much to my surprise, in addition to breakfast, we had a civilised conversation, a pleasant one. It is so out of my character that I shared breakfast with Dr HS Park, who we seldom share a civil and non-shouting dialog in the ER. The patients are different, but the content of the angry exchanges was always the same. Whom to save, and save first?

I, I am usually quiet. My friends are books, medical journals, internet videos of the latest surgical techniques. Yes, I admit that his thinking is fast, hands are adept, unbelievably skilful, way more competent than the previous Director. Nevertheless, he is way too talkative, eloquet, exuberant, surrounded by interns, associates, nurses, etc, that really get to my nerves. I didn’t mention those, but I am not blind.

“Are you working today?” he asked.

I shook my head. “But I am going to the hospital to finish my thesis. You?”

“Give me a lift then”, he answered.

“Why? You have half a dozen cars in your garage!”

He stunned for a second. “They are in maintenance.” All at one go? I thought.

“Just take it as the payment for breakfast.” He explained with a wink.

***

You drove with such confidence that made the passenger at ease.

“Do you ever go home?” I asked, “I always see you at the ICU at night, double checking patients’ vitals when the nurses are around to assist. You are always in the hospital library at midnight, locating and reading journals.” I was curious about the origin of your drive and motivation.

You took your eyes off the road for a moment, eye brow raised and focused at me, eyes narrowed. “Were you stalking me?”

“No. I just happened to pass by,” I explained, “Why do you work so hard? What motivates you?”

“I learn hard. Practice hard. As opportunity could be grabbed by those who are ready.” That familiar line from Young came from Dr. Phoenix! I was rotted on the passenger seat there and then.

***

It was very late. I just finished vetting a research paper. It was essentially a good paper from a houseman, just needed some minor touch-up before publication. It took me much longer than usual today as you always creeped into my mind.

Then I noticed light under your door. I returned to my room and made a cup of tea.

[Flashback]

I worked for what you would like to be. I trained myself to be the optimistic person like you, one whom I admired, love and hence desired to be with. Then, I realised, I grown into your charm, after decades of self-taught and training. It was tiring to keep shifting and changing identities. With no one whom I can bear myself to, weary of seeing everyone else passing on, I felt hollow and lonely internally. I bought all the land near our tree, designed and built a house with what we were familiar with. I created this homestead so that I could hide here as myself for the years to come. Maybe one day.. maybe..

I realised that the fireflies are back this dawn. An incredible amount of hope lighted up in my mind. The last I saw those little lighted bugs was in my dreams. I read about them, these brilliant bugs are only attracted by a certain human scent, which isn’t mine. Approaching our tree, I saw someone on our swing. The person must be special, very much so. I didn’t expect that to be someone I know, the absolutely deft but quiet surgeon, Dr Phoenix. Her brilliant mind and proficient skills, the way she tied that special knot in the operations, reminded me so much of you. I have never seen any other surgeon performed such a surgeon’s knot to maintain tension on a suture, except from you. I almost dropped my scalpel when I witnessed Dr Phoenix did that on the first time.

This morning, over breakfast, I created conversation easily. I was thrilled and excited at the same time. The sunrise was way too short for me to form any concrete conclusion. I was hungry for information, more information. I had to lengthen our time together. You saw through my lousy front, (was I even thinking? My mind was obviously elsewhere) but didn’t decline driving me to work.

 

I was exceedingly enveloped in my thoughts at your door. I didn’t see it, nor sensed it coming, that your door suddenly opened and I was carrying the cup of tea I made for you.

“Busy?” Only an idiot will start with such a line. Why would a popular guy with the females (even males) start with such an idiotic line?

“Yes?” See, you are being rejected! No, I refused to admit that, not after that morning.

It was very late. “You had dinner?” I pursued.

You looked up. Our eyes met, the first time after the meeting at the magnificent tree.

“Yes, busy.” Your reply was instant and flat.

I have rubbed salt to my pride. “So that’s a no?”

“No”, the corners of your lips lifted unexpectedly, “Busy having dinner with you. Will the cafeteria do?” you asked.

I laughed. You got me! “Sure. They serve great Kimchi Jjigae.”

“That’s their best dish, served 24/7.” You actually cracked a joke!

Tonight, is the second time I see your smile, felt the bubbliness beyond the icy surface. Somehow, at 7am the next morning, we are still at the cafeteria. We have talked, chatted, from Anatomy 401, to engaging debates on surgical approaches on signature cases to even chats on natural occurring phenomena! I have not enjoyed myself that much for the longest time.

The second sunrise that we had spent together, although the setting is at the hospital cafeteria, it is more precious than anything else. That instant, you felt more human to me, emotionally closer, no longer the cold legendary phoenix, your alias in the hospital.

I have been adored by acquaintances in the past century. However, those are surface interactions, compared to now.. that I feel myself opening up and enjoying truly.

Since then, my dreams were less pixelated, although I still couldn’t see your lovely face clearly.

***

I couldn’t recall when was the last time I had such an interesting and engaging conversation, and the person is Dr HS Park. I am astonished myself. That morning, I had a good rest after our chat. The visions in my repeated dreams became less vague. He was a tall man, soulful eyes, ebony hair. His features are somewhat familiar now…

I sent you home that morning. Later, I realised that you left your water bottle in my car. I could tell that it is a well-used bottle from the scratches and dents on it. I happened to pass by my favourite café for coffee. There I got you a new bottle on impulse. I felt a little disappointed that you were not in office that moment. Thus, I hanged a bag, which contains your water bottle and the new water bottle, at your door.

***

A lovely paper bag with 2 bottles at my door, my beloved bottle and a new one. There was no note but it is not rocket science to guess the sender. First, it is hanged at my door, like the method I used to hang hot tea at yours. You know those are from me. Second, I deliberately left my bottle in your car, so I can talk to you outside work again.

In high spirits, I walked over to your room to thank you and invited you for dinner, the next day, the day after next …

Then on, whenever I find you at the rooftop, my heart sank. I would drive you home, and we would sit under the tree. Not surprisingly, the fireflies will gather around you to keep the universe lighted, and you entertained.

I told you in your eyes, “You have tried your best. You can’t save everyone. Those are not your wrong doings. Don’t go to the rooftop next time. Come here. I’ll keep you company.”

 

[[Yimura – Kiss in the Rain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so6ExplQlaY]]

One night, it drizzled while we were at the magnificent tree. So, we ran back to the house. You wondered into the biggest room in my house, the one which I spent huge effort to remodel it to look like the room at the back of your club as well as part our cottage, while I get you a towel and change of clothing. It took me a while to locate smaller sized clothing that was likely to fit your delicate, peanut-sized frame.

While waiting for you, I chanced into a big room and got lost in its wonder. Its wall made of red bricks and cement. The lighting buttery and warm. Soft pieces from a gramophone floated in the background. My heart throbbed as a sudden vision invaded my mind. I anticipated that I would see a couch, two shelves full of books, a wooden chair and desk that was covered with loads of journals in a second and that really happened! The finishing and placement of the furniture were just as I envisioned. The whole setup is so familiar although this is the first time I stepped foot here. My mind exclaimed, “I must have been here before! Have I lived in this place before?” OMG! It couldn’t be! Is that even possible? Will you think that I have gone berserk? I approached the table, glided my fingers on its top, a cup of tea, which had gone cold, was on the right side. A wooden pen holder was on the left. A fountain pen in front of me. I took the chair and flipped through the opened journal. After a while, a mystifying sadness rose from my heart and overwhelmed my senses. I looked up in teary eyes. You came over and drew me into your strong and broad arms, offering me the exact consolation that I need. That felt so warm, so comfortable, so right.  

I found you on the chair behind the desk that Young usually sat on. You were going through the journal om the desk. The height, the look, the ambience, looked so right. That familiarity stunned me.

Suddenly, you looked up and I noticed glistening circling in your eyes. I put down the towel and your change of clothing, reached you and gently pulled you into my arms. I patted you lightly on your shoulders, “Don’t be sad. It is not your fault!” After a long while, you pulled away. You stammered, “I am sorry. I don’t know what got over me just now.” “We all could be sad at times. Let it go,” I comforted you. The look in your eyes was so much like Young, just that you were lost but Young was firm.

I lead you to the shower place to freshen up and change. Upon placing your damp clothing in the washer/dryer, I brought a fresh batch of hot tea and snacks into my favourite room.

You emerged from the shower room in a still oversized long-sleeved, hooded pink “dress”. “Don’t I look over cartoonish?” you laughed.

I couldn’t control my laughter too, “My apologies. This is a souvenir from one of the charity events that I had attended. I couldn’t find any other smaller size clothing in my cabinet.”

“Don’t worry, I was teasing around. Loose clothing is comfortable. I just couldn’t recall when was the last time I chuckled over my own reflection in the mirror. Thanks for lending me fresh clothing!” you shot me a charming wink casually. You have switched to using banmal. I almost melted at that.   

Your sadness brushed aside by your jokes. You commended on the nostalgic décor and uniqueness. We chatted for a long while that night. You fell asleep on the top-notch sofa, while waiting for me to come back with the second batch of hot tea.

I covered you with a blanket. I stood to look at you for a long while. That night, I took the floor in my sleeping bag. I spent more time observing your sleeping form than resting. I felt lighter in my inner self after meeting you, which is a first in more than a century. I thought Young could be you, and I tried to fit my blurred vision into your frame.

I prepared grilled fish, beancurd egg flower soup, radish kimchi and rice for breakfast. “Wow, what do we have here? Looks nice!“ you exclaimed as you saw the partially set breakfast table, “What time did you wake up?”

"I don't sleep much," I answered. "Haha, it may just looked nice. Anyway, go wash up first," I pointed at the direction of the bathroom.

You stole a piece of the radish kimchi before making an escape for the bathroom.

This is the first time I see your expression and actions resembled a young girl, like Bo.

You tasted the spread, gave the food a thumbs up and dug into your breakfast enthusically. Those were Young’s favourites. It was heartening to see you enjoying them.

“Can I have a second serving of rice?” you asked. I laughed. “Sure!"

You volunteered to do the dishes after breakfast, thus I dried the tableware. "You could cook very well," you complimented.

"Glad you like them. Next time, I can prepare coffee, des cereales  (breakfast cereal) and croissants or miso soup, pickled vegetables and natto (fermented soybeans). Just tell me your preference.” I answered. I have been around for very long, hence I could prepare many foods.

"A lot of your guests must have dined here since you are such a great cook." You added.

"No, you are the only one." That's the truth.

Your big eyes focused at me in disbelief for the longest time. My throat went dry.

 

My work in the OT continues, in a much comfortable and renewed fury as I found you. My days are way more interesting, and I look forward to driving to work, making deliberate detours to pick you with an excuse or another. Alternatively, I just suddenly appear so that you cannot say “No”. The swing and the meadow have become our favourite spot.

My ‘work’ at the roof top station continues too, with a heavy weight on my part which wasn’t there previously, as you were always affected downstream.

Life, time, had less meaning in the past century. These days, ever since I arrived at this hospital, I felt that I am living again, not just the mechanical breathing robot.

***

“Death, you are enjoying your time?” as I received my next month of ‘work’ from xxx.

I looked up. xxx takes a different form each time, depending on her mood. Regardless, her aura is easily recognised, no matter the form she took.

“I am delivering what I promised”, I replied, emotionless.

“Be sure of it. No questions. No defiance.” She reminded me before she vanished.

***

The final piece of ‘work’ this year is scheduled on New Year’s Eve. After double-checking the coordinates, time and code name of the passenger, I stood there waiting. I never know a name, as they viewed me as Death and I know them as passengers with unique codes and coordinates. Not that I like the task, but it is a deal and that kept me going, with hope to find you again.

As the coming task is situated near my house, I’ve arranged to meet you at my place later, to usher us into the new year.

It was snowing lightly. The air was freezing. The fog was thick. A car was nearing. I conjured my magic. The driver left his seat. Fell along the road. I lifted up his memory bubble, broke in the air, and I saw you, and me, together! I froze that instant... What have I done??? I stopped what I was doing immediately and dashed towards you. I carried you up and yelled. I am sorry, so sorry, I didn’t know it was you as I never know the name in advance! You’ll still be alive since I didn’t finish the process.

“STAY with me!” I shouted hysterically.

I rushed you to my house, placed you on the couch. Fireflies that usually don’t appear in this season were mysteriously back, and kept flying around you. The rise and fall of your chest indicated life in you. I waited for you to come around. I don’t give a damn on what’s going to happen to me upon this defiance, as long as you are safe. I know, Young wanted to live, you wanted to live too. That’s why I chose this path, as I wanted to see you again.

You moved.

“Are you okay?” I asked gently, while still in shock myself.

“Yes”, you replied as you sat up.

I tried to hold you, but my hands started to turn opaque.

“Park, Park! What is happening?” you screamed. [[Bo called Park as Park in One.]]

“I am sorry that I didn’t explain to you in person”, I swallowed with difficulty. “I have waited for you, and I am glad that you are alive. That’s all that matters. Live well. I love you.” I felt your warm tear on my cheek.

***

“You have lovely ebony hair.” I heard you clearly. I felt your gentle touch on my head.

“Hyungsik ah, I am sorry, that you have waited so long for me”, you added. [[Young called me Hyungsik then.]]

Everyone known me as Dr HS Park, but never Hyungsik except Young. Yes, you recalled that all. I smiled. You broke the rest of your memory bubble with your determination. Not unprecedented but rare.

I struggled a little, put in effort to blink, and again. My eyes trying to adjust to the light around. From the surroundings, I know I am back at my house, on my couch. As I opened my eyes, I have you, your eyes, your entire face in my view. I was mesmerised by the breathless paradise in your bright eyes. This is the heaven that I yearned for. I can finally tell you, how great you are, and how I longed for you.

Our gaze locked, deep and long enough to take in each other’ face and feel the undercurrents.

My shaking fingers touched your warm cheek, your crystal-clear skin. My mind struggled with the reality that you are real, not in a dream. I quivered with gratitude.

The incorrect timing caused me to miss the correct person twice. Sensing that you are well, my tears revived after a hundred years. I manage to shed tears of joy. I wept for the time that we were not able to share, for the tension released, and for the time that I/you were all alone. I dreamt about this moment, hope that would materialise, but I could never anticipate the depth of the emotional storm. Still, seeing and holding you now brought an unbelievable amount of relief that my body could hardly handle.

“I spent three lifetimes waiting for you, my dear.” I tried to talk more, but I felt weak, my voice faltered into a light whisper.

“Sarang-hae,” you confessed. That’s all I needed to hear. Love, I am back to you.

“Na-do Sarang-hae,” I answered.

Our foreheads met. Our lips touched for the first time. You instantly dominated my entire mind. All other thoughts were obliterated.

I took a deep breath, leaned in and kissed you again. Moments after my lips pressed against yours, I felt your body relaxed and moulded against mine. Then our lips hovered right there, exploring. The contact was deliberately slow, deep, comforting us more than words could. My hand rested at a spot at the back of your head, my thumb fondled the delicate skin on your neck.

Immersed in your scent, I encircled my arms around you tightly. I felt your head tugged perfectly below my chin as our hearts beat against each other. “I miss you so much, my dear!” I cuddled you closer.

The most blissful sleep in a century washed over me.

[Flashback]

I saw the elderly lady unexpectedly.

“What! What did you make me do? I almost killed Bo. Young.!” I demanded an explanation furiously.

She gave a matter-of-fact response. “Everyone has to meet to meet their end.” She continued, “In a thousand years, I rarely see the dedication, love and commitment as yours, as hers. In your world, you think people met due to coincidence. But no, that is by no means coincidence at all. You people meet and connect for a reason. Those are deliberate lines, not pure fate. The reasons of humans’ connections vary, that could be repayment, continuation, revenge, wrath, resentment etc. The most powerful of all is love, which you have just exhibited and experienced. I am surprised by its power since it not only saved her, and you too.”

“What do that mean?” I pursued.

“Means survival. Means you earned the chance to continue living as Earthlings. Our deal is annulled,” she said.

“The earlier time, you were unfortunately wound into a time warp and missed her. This time will be different. Go now. Live well,” she has a kind smile. “I’ll put your case as a new entry, as an unrivalled exception in our history book.

***

“Why did you help him?” asked a random voice.

“Why? Eros was touched by their sincerity. Thus, he sought my assistance to help them now. I ensured that he fell into the right time channel on his way back.” The elderly woman clarified.

***

I opened my eyes. I was shocked to find myself alone. Was last night a dream? Was I hallucinating? I glanced at my watch - 1^st Jan. I dashed out the room in search for you.

“Young! Young? Where are you?” I shouted.

You came in with two mugs of coffee. “I am…”

I pulled you into my arms and hugged you tightly. “I went out to make you some coffee. What happened?”

“You don’t know how anxious and scared I was,” I touched your cheek, “You are the precious one whom I deeply feel for and wanted so much to protect. I’ll never forgive myself if I ever lost you again. Please stay with me,” I pleaded sincerely. I trembled. Tears returned in full force.

Your fingers dried the tears on my face. “Silly boy, I’m here.” You assured me as you looked into my eyes, “Your dark brown eyes, still look as vulnerable and innocent, like when were kids. No wonder your horse followed you around like you have loads of sugar.”

“You are all I want and need,” I said.

“Thank you,” you articulated in tears, “I am sorry to made you waited for so long…”

“Yes, that detour was extensive, tormenting, and heart-breaking,” I felt your warmth, “That is all worth it.”

“How did you manage?” you touched my cheeks, your fingers trembling.

“That journey was long, lonely and hard. Whenever I steered off course, I recalled our memories and the determination I read in your eyes, our memories, kept me in line. Hope was cruel for a hundred years. It finally did some justice now.” I held your hand.

“What have I done to deserve you?”, you stuttered.

“You, just by being you. You are my strength and all. I love you, Bo Young.” I arranged your fringe lovingly and noticed that you still have this little mole on your forehead.

“I love you too, Hyungsik.”

Our fingers trembled as our skin came into contact. Our heart strings stirred and nerves moved onto high strung. We were overwhelmed to be finally holding each other in the same time, same place and same physical form. With chemistry and longing, our passion ignited and intensified, pathing way for the inferno. Coffee was long forgotten as desire took precedence.

My dear Young, your eyes are filled with wonder and curiosity, mirrored mine. Your charm enhanced by your feistiness and will. You totally engulfed my senses and excited me. I was drowned even before I jumped. My hands roamed round your perfect body, feeling each summit and crevasse, discovering your little, secluded secrets. An earth-shattering thrill shocked me as I felt your hand travelled down my spine. You were usually shy in the day. Here, you bravely showed how you love me, with your mind and body. You captured me, my heart, body and everything, that I wholeheartedly gave. Our bodies entwined and danced in perfect harmony on the sheets. In the magic, two minds who deeply love each other joined in the physical and spiritual act, totally drunk with love for each other. You were so soft, warm and willing that it was hard to hold back, to make our intimacy last. The experience was sensual, glorious and ingrained deep into our core. You were the better half that made me whole again. We spent the day bonding and affirming each other’s existence.

Living has never looked brighter, the birds chirpier, the air fresher… Stay lazing under the covers, we finally knocked our coffee mugs together, “L'Chayim!” you announced.

“Cheers to Life, in the ancient language”, I answered without missing a beat. Yes, I agree with you. Being alive is way brighter and meaningful, when I have you now.

“You recalled?” you asked.

“Of course! Young, no, you taught me that, at our cottage. I’ll never forget that.” I replied.

 

 

The following day in the hospital, I see you smiling broadly and brightly at me at the end of the corridor. Elated, I wanted to fly to your side.

Before I could reach you, I was somehow surrounded by a couple of patients. You pouted after witnessing that. “Oh I see. Someone is so popular! I am just a young, aspiring surgeon who has nothing much to offer. Go indulge in all those attentions (by fangirls (patients)).”

I caught up with you after taking a few long and fast strides, and got hold of your hand, “Hope you don’t mind having a rich old man as your soulmate.”

I felt your close stare and feathery caress on my cheek. “You are not old at all. In fact, you are way too handsome.” Your big eyes never failed to captivate me. I was lost in the depths of the windows to your soul.

“Thanks for your compliment,” I tickled your chin and stole a kiss, “In fact, my house, wealth and me, are all yours. You are all I ever wanted. You don’t know how long I have waited for this day.” I added while scanning our surroundings, “Did anyone walked past just now? You are all I see!” I held both your hands.

You teared suddenly.

“Don’t cry, my dear,” I draw you into my arms firmly, felt the synchronisation of our hearts while we kissed, at the stairwell of the hospital. My mind fell into its correct place.

 

[Epilogue]

After Death died, my hair colour was re-instated to ebony black. I did not receive ‘work’ for the coming month.

I shared my whole experience, the fantasy anecdote, to you in length. You believed me, as you also recalled, what happened prior to our current existence. You related the details in your dreams to me meticulously, which were concurrent with mine.

“You walked such a long way and took such a big risk,” tears simmered in your eyes.

“Because that is for you,” I answered earnestly, "Being loved by you gives me strength, while loving you gives me courage."

We were hardly apart since. There is no distance as our hearts are tied together. I expressed myself openly at work. The hospital staff were puzzled on how close we got suddenly. Others’ view doesn’t matter. What matters is you, and that we are together. I smiled every time I thought about it.

We spent every possible moment together, did the things we wished for but never did in the lifetimes earlier, firmly holding each other and to create new memories. We continued to work (and argue), research and save people. The survival rate of my patients fell as I do not know who would be passing on now.

We took some time off, attended to the refugees whose lives were on the line, involved in research and gave speeches at medical conferences. We also spent time waltzing under the Eiffel Tower in the starlight, shivered together in the depths of the night waiting for the dance of the aurora, soaked in the warm onsens, devoured cheese fondue at mountain tops … We realise and materialise the promises that we made to each other.

Years later, strands of white found its way back to our crowns. We know that we can't avoid the unavoidable. We treasure the very air that we breathe and the special person whom we are holding. We make our days count. Even if we vanish ultimately, we have no regrets as we have had each other. We are contented.

Sarang hae, my love.

 

 

 

 

 

[Images taken from various instagrams and website pages.]