Opening Page: 

The title you have set up for your narrative, I would say, is thought provoking in two major manners. The first is that Take Me Home, immediately reminds one of warm feelings, precious memories, and most importantly, a space that is safe and undeniably yours. With this connotation, the audience should expect the main character to be returning to something that yields these very comforting emotions. When pairing this with a romance plotline, they can also expect to find this “home” to be something less real and more metaphorical. And with that, I mean likely in the arms of their lover and not safe at home. 

However, once you begin to read, the thought provoking aspect gains another layer. This is because not only is your character actually time travelling, leaving their home to return to a new one, but they are also confronting a new reality— which is that their feelings of “home” may have been wrong this whole time. These details here are what make your title unique— otherwise it’s easily forgettable to an audience who has seen the motive of “going home” an exuberant amount of times and probably doesn’t care enough to wonder what its significance might be. 

All in all, the title works. It’s simple, to the point, but also adds an air of what if it doesn’t mean what I thought it did for the audience to contemplate as they read. 

Your description is one I haggle with mentally. It is compelling, I will definitely give you that. It makes one wonder, what do I wish I could take back? While also giving them a chance to find out. And when you begin in the 2nd POV, you are taking those emotions one step further by directly involving the audience. It’s no longer Eunji’s past, but mine, ours, yours. 

Now this is effective for grabbing attention, as I said, however you never again use the 2nd POV, or the “you” as you may know it. Technically this is fine, though for an editor, they will want to know why? Why is it so important to include the audience in a scene that is particularly unique to one character? Obviously, you can do whatever you wish as long as you have a reason— I merely invite you to question your motive here. 

The first thought that comes when reading your foreword is: damn, this is long. I’m not sure if I want to keep reading this. In a sense, there is nothing wrong with it. In another sense, there is nothing really right about it either. Instead of using this space to bring the reader in and want to know more, you use it as a space to do what I call “information dumping.” We get to know that our OC is a lawyer, she gossips with her friend a lot, she likes to wear red shoes, she’s been working for so long, there’s this man named Sehun who we immediately don’t like because he dumped the OC and is now a rich man getting what we can assume is an arranged marriage (but we don’t know that for sure), and that’s not even the end of it. By the time I’m done, I’m not that curious. In fact, when I open the first chapter, I’m going to be getting the exact same thing, just in a different format. And after that, you’ve exhausted my memory skills as a reader. 

What I will say is that the memory scene of the birthday is what works. We don’t get that scene anywhere else, not when the OC is thinking about Sehun, not when we are with Sehun, not even on the birthday. That memory is important to understanding the why of what we are about to enter and the possibility of what may happen. It’s also very intriguing as the audience is curious as to how a girl who planned a party and so obviously loves her boyfriend would be harshly dumped with the statement of “It’s a little too late to act like you love me now.” 

That is powerful, so my suggestion when editing is to frame the description around that scene, and only include details that won’t be so readily given in the upcoming chapters. 

Scoring: [8/10] 

Opening Chapter: 

The first chapter is all about the grabber, about something powerful to catch all of your audience’s interests enough to keep them reading through the first few paragraphs and then hit it home so they can make it through the rest fully intrigued and captured by your story. If your reader’s interests are not picked by the first, and I mean the first, sentence then I can guarantee that you just lost half of your potential audience. There are plenty of great examples where novels have used this to their advantage. 

My favorite example is this: “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” —George Orwell, 1984 

Why is this effective? Well, it is a bright cold day in April, but then takes a turn and suddenly the clocks were striking, what again, thirteen?? What does that even mean? When is Thirteen O’clock? BAM, you have curious readers that all want to know how the hell a clock can strike thirteen, and so, they keep reading. I am not saying here that you have to be as grand as Orwell or as absurd in your own writing, but I am saying that it needs to be just as interesting in your own way.

You start with “I looked out the window of my room.” I don’t think I have to explain myself on how eye catching, or the lack thereof, that sentence is. And I’d have to say, the interesting part doesn’t happen until she wakes up in her dorm room. 

Now I’m not saying there is something universally wrong with the beginning of your first chapter, what I am saying though, is that it has a lot of room for potential. Yes, I wanted to know more about this character, how she got where she did, and why those emotions were so strongly tainted with regret. But instead of giving me a taste of that, I was rather plunged into the past without any real sense of who Eunji was in the present.

I craved more from that scene than what you gave me and I think it’s essential to understanding her character to know who she has become in the years she has been away from Sehun. In return, this will let the audience really come to understand her current turmoil, which will eventually help to see her turmoil later on. One of the ways you begin to do that is through the metaphorical comparisons with her job to Sehun— these, by the way, had some beautiful prose that I admired a lot. Utilize that scene to help introduce us to her character and then bring it home through the memories in the later chapters. 

I will say, though, that you did a particularly good job at showing me who these characters are, instead of telling me. I was sold by the end of it that these were characters I could relate to and come to sympathize with. This is a feat in itself as these characters are not real, they aren’t people, but you succeeded in making them seem so— kudos to you on that. You do this well throughout the narrative, but I think you can refine this more by remembering a few things: 

Steer clear of directly saying how a character is behaving or what they are like as people. It is fine for a character to reminisce, as well as pointing out traits they find admirable. These things though, should be actions that the audience is already familiar with— that way we can agree, relate, and embed that in our memory. Therefore, the best way for the audience to understand a character is for you to show us how that character acts in real time, they are right there, so have them act silly and goof around and not know all the answers to your questions rather than saying you think they’re funny and unique, but still growing. 

The only other thing I have to address about the main character in the opening chapter, is her complete lack of shock and natural change in demeanor when seeing Sehun and realizing that she is back in her 20’s again. I will address this in the next section. 

Scoring: [6/10]

Characterization and Development: 

Characterization and the development of the plot line is something I think you do particularly well at. So well, that it is rather hard to tackle all of the components and express them below. However, I will complete this by going into depth on Eunji and pointing out what I think could be improved on, then pointing out the things I found memorable about the other characters. 

Obviously, let’s start with Eunji. Eunji is arguably the most important character in this story as she is the main character; because of this and the amount of time an author puts into their main character, it can sometimes be extremely hard to catch what we as authors know about our main character and what we have actually said to the audience. Eunji, I would say, has the most out of place moments than any of the other characters. Staring with the way she immediately reacts to being transported from the present and into her past. 

Sure, some do wonder what would happen if they all of a sudden woke up and were ten years younger, however, no one exactly prepares for that or thinks it will actually happen. Therefore, when Eunji jumped up, immediately accepted her position and then her reaction was to hug Sehun!— you half lost me. Where was the realism? I wasn’t sure. I felt that the hurt we witnessed from the first half of the chapter and the foreword should have warranted some distance in her body language or reaction to seeing Sehun. 

To further this, I had the thought while reading that shouldn’t she miss her old life or be concerned about it in any way? Why isn’t she questioning more on what happened, how she managed to go back in time? Shouldn’t she have confided in somebody? It isn’t until Chapter 13 that she questions telling someone, and it isn’t until Chapter 15 that she acknowledges that something brought her back.

Lastly, when she is once again back in the present, she doesn’t seem as naturally shocked as I would think. Yes she was upset as Sehun, but she loved him yes? She did all of that to get back with him. Would she really change in a split moment and say something half out of anger and frustration and