A knock on the door interrupted the movie I was watching online. I paused it and called for Kaci to come in. She opened the door and shifted from foot to foot in the doorway. I don’t know why she was waiting for me to invite her in. She knows more than anybody that I hate people in my room.

“Can we talk?” she asked.

“Sure. What’s up?” The faster I got this over with, the faster I could get back to watching a very nicely built man shoot the out of anything that came near him.

“It’s about Yong Guk.”

I rolled my eyes. “What about him?”

“I know you’re hurt, and I’ll never be able to apologize enough, but don’t you think you’ve taken this too far? First you bring that Jiho guy around and now you’re sending him half- pictures-”

“Those pictures weren’t for Yong Guk,” I lied.

“Then how did he get them? They were from your phone.”

“Jiho is in my phone under a nickname. I must have accidently sent them to Yong Guk instead of Ji. I’ve been wondering why that stupid kid hasn’t replied yet.” Damn, she’s checking his phone? And here I was thinking they were only hanging out for the baby’s sake.

“So, you’re telling me it was all a mistake?”

I shrugged.

“Well if that’s the case, can I ask you about Jiho?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Quite honestly, I don’t feel the need to tell you. Jiho and I have a lot of history and we’re really close. What more do you possibly need to know?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be nosy but-”

“Has that ever stopped you before?” I asked. I usually tried to hold it in, but Kaci’s presence put me on edge. I wished she would just go away.

“Look, I know things aren’t the same before, but I want you to know that you can talk to me…about anything. The way you’ve been lashing out and stuff, I know it hasn’t been easy for you. Just…” her voice trailed off and she looked away. “Just, don’t get hurt, okay?”

The madness was coming back. “Don’t get hurt? Did you really just say that to me? Every time I look at you I get hurt.”

“How many times can I apologize?”

“You think an apology is going to make this right?” I let out an angry sigh, trying my hardest not to just go bat crazy on her. “Can you leave?”

“Lita-”

“I really can’t handle this right now. Unless you want this to turn physical I suggest you leave. I’ve been dealing with being around you better than I thought I would but right now…just go.”

With one last pleading look, Kaci closed my room door behind her. I was still so angry inside I couldn’t see past the tears that had welled up in my eyes. I felt just as out of control and crazy as I had that night when I first found out she was knocked up and I went to attack Yong Guk. What the hell was wrong with me?

Suddenly, I needed to get the hell out of Dodge. I grabbed my keys and my wallet off my dresser and ran past a stunned Kaci in the kitchen. I got to the bottom of the stairs before I realized I had no idea exactly where I was going. It didn’t really matter but the split second of hesitation before I went to my car made Kyung appear. He didn’t say anything, just got in the passenger seat of my car and let me drive.

I was driving pretty much blind. I didn’t have a destination in mind but once I pulled up to the park I felt a lot better. This was the one place I knew of that I didn’t have a memory of going with Yong Guk.

“Isn’t this the place where we first met?” Kyung asked. I’d almost forgotten about him. He was never this quiet for this long.

I nodded. “Yep. It’s been what, 10 years? Damn time flies.”

We got out the car and went over to the swings which were pretty much the only piece of equipment that wasn’t damaged. For a while we swung in silence.

“Zico should be here.”

I nodded. “Call him. Tell him to bring some stuff and we’ll make it just like old times.”

Kyung called Zico and twenty minutes later a black car pulled up behind mine. Zico walked across the park with a brown paper bag and sat down in the sand near the swings. I hopped off and went to sit next to him, Kyung following suit. Zico reached into the bag and pulled out a 40 ounce of Colt 45.

“Man, this brings back so many memories,” I said after my first swig.

“Yeah, us with Z’s brother. We thought we were so badass back then,” Kyung added.

“We were!” I insisted. “We were ten years old, hanging out with drug dealers, smoking and drinking in the park after dark when all the other kids were inside with their mommies.” I shook my head despite the smile that I couldn’t hold back. “We were so wild.”

“No, we were wild,” Zico said, pointing between him and Kyung. “You, my love, were a wannabe. You’re lucky we let you roll with us.”

“What? You’re crazy Z. I was just as bad as you were. Don’t you remember that kid I beat up by the slide?”

“You only learned how to fight after you got jumped by those high school girls and we saved your .”

“Oh shut up Kyung. I would have handled it, but nooooo, you two wanted to be ing heroes. I never asked you to save me.”

“What were we supposed to do then?” Zico asked, passing the bottle back to me. “Did you really think that we were just gonna watch you get ed up?”

“I could have handled it,” I insisted.

“Yeah, but we didn’t let you. What were you trying to prove back then, anyway?” Kyung asked. “You were the good girl, the smart girl, yet you ran around breaking rules and getting into trouble with the rest of us. What exactly did you get out of it?”

Zico and Kyung both looked at me hard as I tried to form the words to describe just what it was like back then. What could I say?  It was so tiring to be so good all the time. Even back then it just so expected of me to go to school and listen to my parents and do good at everything. But then there were those two, raising hell everywhere they went and no one could or would stop them. I wanted that freedom. Just a taste of it.

“I got my own reverse harem out it,” I said instead. I was already half-drunk. There was no reason to go to deep into it.

“Be serious,” Zico said.

“I am! Think about it. I went from smart little dork girl that was always being picked on to being more respected than any adult in school. And if anyone even looked at me wrong I had a band of brothers that was ready to set them straight by any means necessary.”

“It’s good to know you appreciated us,” Zico said sarcastically.

“I did appreciate you guys, still do. It was just different back then. No offense, but I felt a whole lot better about hanging out with you guys after you went through puberty. You guys used to look really bad.”

“That’s offensive!”

“Oh Kyunggie, you know I’m just messing with you…mostly.”

“Can I ask a personal question?”

“What’s up man?”

“How’d you two hook up? Like, I knew it happened and all -- hell, we all knew it happened  -- but nobody ever knew how or even why.”

“Why? What do you mean why?” I asked. “We wanted to have , that’s why. What kind of question is that?”

“Are you saying you didn’t love me?” Zico asked in a playful tone as he put an arm around my shoulder.

“Nope. Not then anyway,” I admitted.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. It wasn’t until later…I don’t know, around graduation or so that I even acknowledged that I had feelings for you.”

“That’s cold Lita,” Kyung commented.

“It’s the truth,” I insisted. The alcohol was loosening my tongue way too much but I just kept on going. “It’s like, of course there was always a thing with me and Z. Like, he was my first, obvi, but then I had a crush on him forever but he was dating Seolhyun and there was the, you know, incident, and then he blew up and I was with Yong Guk and…”

This is not what I’d left my house for. I didn’t want to talk about guys or feelings. I’d just wanted to get drunk with my friends and maybe participate in a little harmless playground vandalism.

“Just because I’m in this business doesn’t mean we couldn’t have hooked up,” Zico muttered. His eyes were squinty and I knew he was drunk as even though he’d had maybe two pulls from the bottle. He’d never been able to hold his liquor.  

“Stop it Z. Just stop right there. You pushed me away when you started your business. You kept me at arm’s length when I tried to be with you, so that’s why we’re here now. There’s a line in the sand that neither of us is willing to cross anymore.”

Zico looked at me. His eyes are so out of focus it’s not even funny. “I wasn’t going to cross it with lover boy in the way. I respect you more than that.”

That makes me snap and ruins my buzz. “Kyung, can you take me home? I just remembered I have an assignment due in the morning.”

“Yeah. Um, yeah. I think I’m good to drive.”

I shot up, brushed the sand off the seat of my pants and tried to leave but Zico’s hand caught my wrist. I looked down at him, noticing that his pupils were really dilated. He usually had more of a tolerance.

“Lover boy’s out of the way now. If I cross the line, are you gonna be able to handle that?”

I pulled my arm away. “I’ve got to go Z. Be careful, okay?”

There was silence as I walked away with the wind blowing through the now dark playground, making leaves rustle. Still, as I turned to give on final look back I could have sworn I heard Zico whisper something along the lines of ‘I love you’. I shook my head, sure I was hearing things. I didn’t need to deal with this on top of everything else.