I rotated my chair, turning me onto the big window behind my desk. I sighed looking at nothing but tall skyscrapers that thought would beat me sometimes. Didn’t they know that it would be pointless, my company was the biggest influencer in Korea. There no possible for them to beat me, for simple words, they can’t be success as me. Especially with their greed and intolerant that would be easily swayed by money and lust.

 

I was a workaholic and I wouldn’t ashamed to say that I preferred power than love. For me, love is unimportant, and I’ve never understand the feeling. I never have parents ever since I was born. How could they left me behind when I didn’t even know how to utter a word? How can a human like that be my parent? I lived alone to survive even though I have adoptive family, that doesn’t mean I have a parent. They just adopting me, not loving me.

 

But, no matter how much I pushed away to fall in love, being far away from people that have probability to love me, at the end I needed it. I needed someone beside me, holding me when I sleep, taking care after me. I blamed to my illness, why it need to appear in my life? Why it was me?

 

If this illness is not existed, I wouldn’t this miserable. I wouldn’t hold to my husband like he was the hero in my life, like he was the reason I can live, like he was my weak spot. If my illness is not existed, I wouldn’t meet with Roseanne and always thinking about her. I wouldn’t meet with her and being this miserable.

 

At first, I thought, it was because my illness but I’ve never felt like this with Eric. Feeling butterflies tickling inside my stomach. Unfamiliar feeling when our hands touched, when we stared at each other. Feeling when I was beside her in a bed. I have never slept on Eric, but when it came to the certain blond, I needed her close than I’ve ever with other people. Not even Eric.

 

I stared blankly above at the blue clear sky. The reminisce of last week flashed in my head. On my birthday, I didn’t expect that Roseanne would know that and bought me a necklace. I rubbed my thumb on the teardrop pendant. I missed her already.

 

Our first kiss last week, I saved it at the back of my brain, didn’t want to forget it. Every part of it. I’ve never kiss a woman before, I was straight as I always known but how about now. We kissed and I couldn’t forget about the kiss even if I want to.

 

Did she feel the same too? Argh, this feeling is killing me.

 

I was awake by my telecom beeped. I turned to press the button, “What Brenda?”

 

“Please forgive me to interrupt you, but George Will is here right now. He wants to meet you”

 

I sighed hearing the guy’s name. Don’t get me wrong, I like George but probably not like what he expected. People really should stop to have a hope on me. To love them I mean. Why they didn’t even understand the meaning of married, it was taken.

 

“Let him in”

 

Not even a minute, my office door opened, and like I was informed to, George standing tall with his head high knowing exactly that he was handsome. I secretly rolled my eyes, at first it wasn’t affecting me or what but as the times flies, I found it annoying.

 

I pretended to not see a bouquet of flowers behind him, I need to warned him to not bring any gifts in my office especially flowers.

 

“Hi, Jennie. This is for you”

 

He bent down politely, giving the bouquet  to me. I smiled awkwardly, glancing at three recycle bins at a corner of the room. All of it filled with flowers.

 

What exactly those guys see on me? Why they didn’t understand the word give up? Didn’t they get a picture that I am a married woman. But, at least I have a reason to avoid them from taking me to dinner date.

 

Nonetheless, I took the flowers. I guess George the only exceptional because he was my friend but if he asks me for more, I’m afraid I couldn’t. George was my boyfriend, and I don’t know I did enjoy spent time with him but I couldn’t go further with him. He was perfect, hell even more perfect than Eric. He was sweet, caring, and handsome with the blond hair of his. He was a perfect man for every woman out there, but not for me.

 

He wasn’t meant for me because I know I couldn’t give what he wanted. He was my friend before, and I couldn’t bear to hurt him to marry with him. He wanted me to love him and that’s what I couldn’t give.

 

People didn’t understand why I can’t love George and I didn’t understand why people don’t understand me. I have never lusting to anybody, feeling to being touched by someone. No. There’s no thing like that. However, my illness forced me to have someone by my side and I married to Eric because of two reasons. One for my illness, and another for leaving George a picture that he should give up.

 

Eric was my saviour, after I got married with him, some of guys leave me alone and George understood me. However, a problem came when Eric asked me for a divorce. He wanted to marry with Roseanne. That made me upset, I couldn’t let him go. That what led me to this, married to Roseanne.

 

But, I didn’t ask to like her.

 

George cleared his throat, an attempt to get my attention. He was sitting in front me, on a couch that Roseanne sat twice, for a first and second meeting of us.

 

I need to stop thinking about her always.

 

“Your necklace, is beautiful”

 

I kind of surprised that he acknowledged it, I glanced down to the object, glittering like always. “Thanks, my wife got it to me. For my birthday”

 

I told him, and I did know why I told him that. He needed to clean all the thought to be with me if he wants to be my friend. I can’t be friend with someone who have feeling for me, or have a hope on me.

 

I saw a glimpse of hurt on his face, “Oh, it’s nice… Jennie I still have feeling for you, babe”

 

I sighed tiredly, “How many times I need to tell you George, I am a married woman! Can’t you understand that?”

 

“I understand, and I also know that you get her married to you because to torture her right? You didn’t love her, Jennie. You told me that she was Eric’s mistress”

 

I clenched my fist, didn’t like the word that Roseanne as Eric’s mistress. Even though, I was the one who did call her like that before. “It was before George. I l-love her now”

 

Heck, why do I have to stuttered saying that?! I didn’t nervous when I lied to everyone before that I love Eric.

 

George narrowed his eyes to me, “I don’t believe you Jennie. And you were not gay, so don’t told me that you’re now. People hardly change”

 

“Maybe I wasn’t that straight. Maybe I wasn’t realised before. Who knows George”

 

Nice answer Jennie. Proud to yourself.

 

 

“So, have you slept with her?”

 

I choked at the unexpected question. Why would he ask that thing like right now? Now, I don’t know to lie or tell the truth.

 

For entire my life, I only have slept with two people. One is Eric, of course and another one is George even though it was only once.

 

“Not yet”

 

I chose not to lie. A smirk creeped onto George’s face, now I regretted to not tell the otherwise. “Then, you’re straight. You just confuse”

 

“No, I know that I like her”

 

“You have to prove it with Jennie. If you love a woman, then you would enjoy having with her”

 

“Now, I don’t like our conversation had turned to”

 

“Well, you forced me. But, thanks to you, I know where I stood right now. And I know that I still have chance”

 

 

 

 

I dejectedly drove home. Tired with piles of meeting today and hungry because I didn’t have lunch today. Clients always like to have a meeting at lunch. I knew that they see that as a date, but it made me uncomfortable and I can’t eat with peace.

 

I walked inside my home, walking upstairs. I threw my coat on stand hanger, removing my earrings. I stared still at my reflection, looking at my tight expression. I was not like this before, I like to smile but lots of people misunderstood that for I actually like them. That they have a chance with me.

 

Not everyone but mostly.

 

“Jennie”

 

I snapped from my thought, averting my eyes from my reflection. I let my eyes stare toward the voice’s owner, through the mirror. Roseanne was wearing a short sleeves black shirt with turtle neck. Her blond hair braided, prevent me from seeing her silky hair swayed on her shoulder. I liked her hair like a lot, it was sad that I can’t see it all fall against her back.

 

I shook away my thought, “What is it Rosie?”

 

I decided to remove my make-up, “Nothing, I just want to inform you. Dinner’s ready”

 

“Okay, I would be there later”

 

Not bothered to sit on chair, I bent down, to remove my make-up with facial cottons. I didn’t realise that Roseanne is still stood behind me before I finished removing my make-up.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

My question came out with a bit of confusion. Roseanne clearly didn’t realise that her attention was on my bottom when her head shaken as if she was getting caught doing something bad.

 

Pretended to not know anything, “Are you okay?” I asked concerned while I was actually wanted to laugh looking at her priceless blushing face.

 

“I-I’m okay. Nothing, I-I need to go now. Bye”

 

She went out from the room. She was practically running, went out downstairs. I chuckled, cannot contain my laughter anymore.

 

I threw away the used cottons, smiling at my bare face. I turned around to the big mirror, stare at my blue tight dress that ended at my ankle. I turned around, watching my bottom at the mirror, realising what made Roseanne being stuttering mess like that.

 

“Well, I look y”

 

For a first time, I liked having a nice body and being stared by someone. My mind drifted to my conversation with George at office before.

 

Should I sleep with Rosie to know that? Do I want it? The most important thing, does she want it? What the heck Jennie, you don’t need to think about it. You just have to lie to George for him to stop having faith for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey” I greeted Roseanne, that already sat on her chair at dining table.

 

“Hey” She looked at my shirt. I’d changed to my baggy shirt and came here immediately.

 

“Why? Disappoint that you can’t see my curve?” I teased after sat beside her, at my usual spot.

 

Her eyes widened, waving her hands on my face. “N-No! I was not disappointed, I don’t want to see your curve”

 

“So, you don’t want to see it?” My tone gotten playfully.

 

“No, I mean YES! Wait that sound wrong”

 

I laughed, stopping her from the mumbling contest. I adored this young woman more and more now. “I’m just joking Rosie.”

 

“God, please don’t Jennie. You made me nervous” Roseanne frowned, my smile creeped naturally. I liked this feeling, teasing her and how much it affecting her. She poured our drinks after letting out an awkward cough, and we started dig in.

 

I ate silently but my eyes kept glancing at the blond beside me. I watched, she munched her foods. Her lips closed but her jaw was moving. Indirectly, I was staring at her lips. That plump full lips, it was pink with no lipstick.

 

Gosh, I want to feel that lips against mine again.

 

Our kiss before was merely passed a minute. I really disappointed with that. Before my mind gotten dirtier, I continued eating.

 

“I help you with the dishes”

 

I willingly volunteer myself which she opposed but I take no to my words. It just an easy work anyway, putting the plates in dishwasher, and done.

 

I stared at Roseanne that wiping the table conscientiously from behind. Her back bended, and this time, I was the one staring at her bottom. I bit my bottom lip, refraining myself from touching her.

 

“Rosie”

 

I called which, she turned around right away. “What Jennie?”

 

I bit my lip again, looking down before replying her gaze again. Her intense hazel orbs that were staring into mine made me felt vulnerable. “Kiss me”

 

I tried hard to sound calm and that’s success. She was shocked, the cloth she was holding was tightly clenched by her hand.

 

Did I ask too much? She must shock right now. Gosh, Jennie now you screwed.

 

“J-Jennie you—”

 

“Actually, just forget it. I was just tired, I walk upstairs first”

 

But before I could take a first step. I felt a soft texture slumped on my lips. Blinked, I saw long black eyelashes with white cleaned eyelids that hiding eyes behind it. I felt the soft thing against my lips moving, and my lips molested by it. I realised it was a pair of lips on me, I closed my eyes slowly, replying the kiss.

 

An arm circling my waist and a hand holding my bum. I circled my arms around her neck, like it was the most natural thing to do at the time.

 

Then, I realised that I was kissing with Roseanne again, and I like it.

 

“I like you”

 

My heart pounding fastened. I didn’t know that those three words can fluttering me this much. That’s not even love it was just like but it was enough to make my world stopped. I didn’t familiar with this feeling, I felt anxious and I thought a lot.

 

My mind flooded with everything except to reply that sentence. I didn’t utter any word and just gaping at her. Her face held no smile, looking at me with those intense eyes. She was biting her bottom lip, that I can see how soft it is under her perfect white teeth.

 

I felt no warm air from her, she was holding her breath and I want nothing but to run away from the situation. I can’t find any answer to it. It was simple, I just need to answer I like you too or I’m sorry. It was simple but not that simple when I was in a situation I don’t know.

 

She must understand the situation when her face downed with recognition. “It’s okay. You don’t need to answer me. I just want you to know that I always gonna be here”

 

She pulled away her arms from my waist, taking a step back. Leaving a gape between us. A small smile engraved on her face and it was sad one. It’s hardly twitching and her eyes flickered down avoiding from looking at me on the eyes. She was trying hard to hide her emotion but I saw it clearly.

 

“Why Rosie? Why you like me?”

 

Without even looking at me, she was simply said, “How can I not like you. You were a perfect as a woman and I never met someone as beautiful as you”

 

It was fluttering answer, she simply said that she likes me because I’m beautiful and I didn’t know why I was happy to hear it. It was a simple answer that everyone can say but when she said it, I felt my heart throbbing.

 

“You were straight, right?”

 

“Yes, I am”

 

“Then why?”

 

She flickered her eyes at me, before facing away again. “Everyone can be gay for you. But, for me, I tried to see you as neither a woman or a man. I saw you as a person, human kind that I can choose to like you or not without being bother with my uality”

 

“Don’t you think it was just because you were stuck up with me. Maybe you were just confused with your feeling”

 

My hands trembled, until I need to bite my nails between my teeth. I can’t feel this, I didn’t like this feel. I was questioning all of her confession now, and I can’t stop about it.

 

Why am I feeling like this?

 

I saw Roseanne sighing at other side before staring at me straight on the eyes. “Look Jennie. If you don’t like me, just let it go. Don’t need to questioning me, I know what I said Jennie. I’m not confused”

 

She burst before walking upstairs leaving me feeling awful. My hands trembled getting worse, I felt goosebumps all over me. My legs weaken that I couldn’t stand anymore, my heart throbbed, I heard it thumping fastened inside my chest. I fall down on my bottom, holding on a chair that I can reach to restrain me from completely landing on the cold floor.

 

I wanted to scream for Roseanne but there no voice come out from my mouth. It was held inside my stomach and I can’t let it out. I looked around the big space of my living room. Instead, I can’t feel it was my home, it was scary without any soul here. It gotten dark in my eyes, and silence than ever.

 

I could hear my unsteady breath like I was trapped inside an empty small box. Surrounded with darkness and quiet.

 

You were alone now.

 

I gasped for air, closing my knees to my chest. Hugging it against my chest. I mumbled incoherent words. I wanted the voice to go away.

 

“No, I have Rosie”

 

No, you don’t. You have broken her heart and she would never stay with you. She would never will. No one will.

 

“Please, stop. Stop. Stop. Go away!”

 

I kept mumbling I’m not alone, I have Rosie. I let myself fall on the cold floor as I was getting tired. I didn’t know what happen next as darkness engulfed me. I was drowning surrounded by darkness but I heard a voice coming from distant.

 

“Jennie! I’m here”

 

Then, I completely out.

 

 

 

 

Dark, my mind started corresponding, it was dark. I was thinking about what had happening before opened my eyelids, exposing my eyes to dim light. I grimaced of the sudden pain in my head, flinching my eyes close again.

 

I reopened my eyes, and adapting it to my surrounding. The first sight attacked my view was Roseanne’s face. Her face was close to me, facing me. Her eyes were closed, and her breath was steady and in rhythm, she was sleeping on her side. Facing me.

 

I roamed my eyes away from her face, realising that we were in our bed. I roamed down, seeing our hands intertwined in between us. Her left leg on my right leg, maybe she wanted to make sure that I was there. I smiled before refocus on her face again.

 

Her lips a bit parted, deep in her sleep. The sweet lullaby of her warm breath that hardly felt it slapping on my face. Her blond hair was letting freely without any braid. I smiled staring at a strand of her hair, falling down from her temple until her nose. Knowing my left hand rested under her tight hold, I used my other hand to slit the strand away from her face.

 

I rested my hand still behind her ear, staring at her face. She was actually kind of pretty and her beauty showing when she sleeps like this. Slowly I moved my hand away from her ear, letting my fingertips her soft cheeks. The tenderness of my touch made her purring in her sleep. Her head moved further to my hand, wanting attention. I smiled before holding her side face with my palm. I rested my hand against it, grazing my thumb on her cheek.

 

If this is not love, then what it is?

 

My chest warmed with her presence, looking at her sleep made me pray for time to stop. I just want to spend my time, staring at her face.

 

As if I can’t get enough of her warmth, I have urged to climb on her. Slithered inside the blanket, I rested myself on her carefully, do not want her to awake.

I slid my hand inside her shirt, rested it on her bare stomach. I slid another inside her short sleeve, landed it against her bare shoulder. I smiled softly toward her under me. I rested my head on her chest. Feeling it rising against my cheek.

 

Ever since I got married with her, I acted different than I’ve ever with anyone else. I felt it, the difference when I was married with Eric. I hoped for nothing harm with this feeling. Because… I started to be keen on this feeling.

 

 

 

 

I woke up earlier than Roseanne than I have ever done. I got call from my personal doctor, he asked to meet which I agree without hesitation. Now, we met inside his office early in the morning.

 

“I have packed some foods before coming here, please suit yourself”

 

“Thanks, but maybe we should talk about whatever you want to inform. Because you see, I don’t have that much time”

 

I was not mad, but that how I acted with him. It’s not that I don’t like him but meeting him scared me. Having an immediate meeting with your doc is not something that you would cherish with. You would return with trembled hope and corrupted mind, on how you can survive with it.

 

Doctor Jeong Hwi flickered his eyes down, before staring straight into mine. I knew something happened and I just could hope for it to be a less bad than, you need to stop working and taking care of your health. I didn’t want to quit, sorry.

 

“Jennie, actually got a call last night, you fainted again. Your wife called me, finding you unconscious in living room. I was on edge with the incident last night. I think Jennie, you got weaken”

 

I furrowed with that said. Confused at what he referred to, “What do you mean? Weaken, my health?”

 

He flipped his file that was rested on the table in front us since earlier. “The illness may get worse, because your anxiety gotten worse now. Say, were you seeing someone Jennie?”

 

“W-What do you mean? I’m not meeting someone except for my wife”

 

He looked over me, “Then, you like her then. Jennie, what I found now, your anxiety getting worse when you have a strong feeling on someone. The thought of that person leaving you is stronger than the thought of someone else leaving you. For what I see, I think it perfect reasonable to what had happened, you afraid of Miss Roseanne leaving you.”

 

I lost at my words, the explanation and the reason were connected to what I felt. I realised that those twice incident where I was left behind by her. I was afraid that she would leave me.

 

I slumped my back, “It all made sense then. So, what I need to do doc?”

 

He took off his glasses, putting it on his desk, “What kind of advice you want? As your doctor or as your friend?”

 

I smiled, that was how he would ask whenever I asked for his solution. “Both”

 

“Then, accept her. Try to make it out with her. I see that she really cared about you. The second time she called me, she was crying out her tears like she would lost her life tomorrow. But, I need to ask you, even though I can see the answer but I want to hear from you physically.”

 

“Just ask”

 

“Do you like her, your wife?”

 

I sat still, letting the question hanging for a little while. Déjà vu, I was practically questioning myself about it last night and I need to answer for the same question today. I let out a sigh, looking straight to Doctor Jeong Hwi. To assure him, that I was confident enough with my answer. That I’ve found my answer.

 

I nodded, “Yes, I like her”

 

A smile creeped onto his long face. Some wrinkles showing at the end of his smile, “I’m happy for you. I hope for your happiness. Keep holding onto her Jennie, because you need her more than you aware”