“Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time.”
― Ransom Riggs

If there are words that Yujin would love to hear as of the while, that would be "It's just a dream,"

People always think that dreaming can always help in escaping reality. Apparently, it is wrong because it only teaches us to be dependent, to grab a hold on something when in pain.

She groggily looked up at the ceiling of her bedroom, the same ceiling she looks at each time Minjoo would visit her mind and she can't help but smile and feel giddy with just the thought of the girl. But, maybe not today. Exceptionally, this month.

Waking up at 3 am made her mind more vulnerable in thinking about the things that happened in the past weeks.

Was she too quick? Was she too attached that maybe Minjoo felt disgusted and probably changed her mind about it? Or maybe was she overthinking things too much that they ended up going on a stir of emotions?

All these questions visited her mind. And if only it's possible to push away the thoughts she would've long done that. She can't cater to these emotions all at once. It felt terrible.

Yujin suddenly wandered her thoughts to her rationale. What happened to all the clever ways of thinking? She knew academic education will not always be a solution. Maybe if emotions didn't exist, she had a big advantage to feel apathetic.

Looking back, she was just a college student who does her best at everything. She gets more competitive if something is challenging but how come, Kim Minjoo, a person who made her feel like the world is much better, made her feel the opposite?

She couldn't bear the thought, it hurts both her ego and feelings. All she wanted to do was to close her eyes and make sure that everything will pass like an unfinished chapter of a book.

"This ," she chuckled bitterly.

Yujin thought, and indeed it's true.

To add to that, the thought of Wonyoung suddenly confessing made her feel hell. 

Her kind, lovely, and smart childhood bestfriend, Wonyoung.

Because if a person confessed, perhaps you did something terrible for them to feel something romantic without intending to.

And it feels, terrible.

Because for Yujin, how was it possible for Wonyoung to like her for a very long time? Regardless of the distance, the longevity and other calculations in her mind, all the math logic she learned from school isn't working as she tried to put things together, it just..doesn't fit. How come a person can like another, without the other, making a mere effort?

Yujin identified that she wasn't exaggerating because another question popped into her mind. 

Why can't Minjoo, see her the same way as Wonyoung?

"Because we're different,"

Yujin was a bit startled to realize that she was now eating with Wonyoung in the school cafeteria. All the thoughts she had this morning on her bed remained, definitely ruining her focus and concentration for today's class.

"Huh?" Yujin asked helplessly, she was not in herself.

Wonyoung only sighed.

"You've been...spacing out and kept muttering why Minjoo doesn't like you as I do, maybe a little sensitivity would help? Like, I'm here in front of you and I'm not deaf," said Wonyoung calmly.

Unfortunately for Yujin, not only she feels like taking Wonyoung for granted, but she also thinks that her uncontrollable thoughts would straightly go off today.

From her voice, Yujin could feel a little hint of pain.

"I-I'm sorry," 

"It's okay," Wonyoung nodded, still keeping herself composed like usual.

On another note, as a person who does the 'liking', Wonyoung was simply putting that invisible shield she uses for her heart. She wasn't always the 'strong and witty', she has emotions too. And intelligence can be measured on how well people can control it. That's how intelligent Wonyoung is.

Yujin glanced at her, or maybe she started to unconsciously stare. 

She couldn't help but admire her childhood bestfriend all along, she's pretty and smart, and for a second, Yujin questioned herself again, 

"Why not her instead?" she thought, she didn't know she was now wearing a small smile. Her mind suddenly jumped from their childhood, how she treated her, and how Yujin got aware of the word 'kindness', it existed in Wonyoung's eyes and words.

If there's one thing, her childhood bestfriend was so considerate of not telling her feelings the whole time. She was so reasonable that she could see and tell what's the problem. She came as a savior and a best friend. She wasn't advantageous, and that enough is a very attractive trait for people to fall without difficulty.

But all her thoughts were cut off after hearing the sound of glass breaking. 

Everyone in the cafeteria turned their looks at the source. It was a food tray with a pot of kimchi stew all over the floor.

And if this day could get any worse for Yujin, well, plausible. 

Because the suspect was none other than Kim Minjoo, who was now picking up the pieces of the shattered glass on the floor.

"Yah, Minjoo-ah, careful!" All of them could hear Eunbi's worried tone. 

While Minjoo continued to pick up the shards, seemingly not caring.

"Ah!" 

And that's it, she winced in pain. Drops of blood started to be seen around Minjoo, it was a small cut but it needs to be cleaned right away or else it might get an infection. 

Eunbi tried to pull her up but Minjoo shrugged her aside. Eunbi was caught off guard.

"H-hey, are you okay?"

Minjoo didn't answer. She looked agitated,

...and not in herself as well.

In this case, there's always a reason why a person can't face the crowd. 

Embarrassment and shame.

Yujin and Wonyoung observed the scene.

 But, Yujin couldn't help it anymore, she left the cafeteria without leaving a word. Wonyoung sighed and looked back on her food.

Now in front of her is an empty seat and an untouched food tray.

Hyewon and Chaeyeon kept on elbowing each other as they silently fight on who to approach Yujin first.

The latter was obviously spacing out, she was looking at the window while one of their professors in literature is reading their poem for the day.

To add to her emotional burden, their topic today was one of Pablo Neruda's famous pieces, which reminds her of the book she always wanted and managed to get from Yena, thanks to that night. 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Yujin not failing to listen, still, her brain wandered too far, from the beginning up until the present.

She remembered how it felt to kiss Minjoo and get addicted to her alluring smile. It makes her crazy just remembering it, however, that giddy feeling was slowly turning to a hole in her chest.

Through nights like this one, I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes?

There was a heavyweight on her chest, Yujin discovered that she has been feeling like that lately, confused and anxious. Based on her rationale, she doesn't want to claim herself as devastated, or 'broken' in layman's lover's term.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

All of the memories with the former pink-haired girl remained, Yujin suddenly wondered, would there be a difference if Minjoo didn't color her hair to a more 'normal' one? She was being silly. She chuckled slightly at her thought.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

At this very instant, she was convincing herself that it will no longer make sense if she continued her silly daydream anymore. 

Because neither dreaming, is an escape, only if you're dreaming about having Kim Minjoo.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

But, Yujin knew it was impossible. Her first love was Minjoo, and she's still—at present, in love with her despite the negativities.

If this was the meaning of "going out of the shell," Yujin might want to rewind that night, and probably, she won't be attending the stupid party where she met Minjoo the first night, the time she got courage enough to lean and enjoy the latter's presence. 

However, realistically, speaking, Yujin also knew that the probability of someone making a time machine at this very minute is 0.001% and regardless, she's not rich enough to try that.

And she was left with no choice.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

Her professor was done reading the final line, the sound of the book made everyone focus their attention back on their teacher. Except for Yujin, who stayed looking at the sky from the window on her left.

"So, Ms. Ahn, can you please tell me your interpretation of this poem?"

Yujin was back in reality after feeling both Hyewon and Chaeyeon nudging her.

She looked around to see everyone looking at her, patiently waiting, her professor, Ms. Kim who usually wore a strict face was not so sure currently why Yujin seems to be not in herself.

The latter reluctantly stood up, she looked down on the floor, staring at her sneakers.

She heard her professor clearing and asked the same question.

"Yujin-ssi? Care to share some of your explanations?"

A sudden thought made her think about the incident earlier, seeing Minjoo helplessly putting herself in the spotlight and ignoring people who are offering help, then it must be something.

What was she feeling?

It took Yujin a while, nonetheless, she started saying her opinion regarding the poem that she got too immersed with a few minutes earlier.

"Pain,"

Yujin bit her lip and cleared . She can't afford to break down at this minute when everyone's attention is on her.

"The narrator is obviously in pain when writing this, and uh.."

She paused, and everyone waited.

"There was a hint of regret, hope, and sadness caused by pain,"

She repeated the same noun, the root cause of all of this.

Pain.

"He....he.."

Yujin feels like she was in the clouds, she felt lightheaded while trying to escape the strange adrenaline. The people inside the classroom including her teacher started to get worried.

The tall girl looked around, meeting the eyes of her classmates, Hyewon, Chaeyeon, and her teacher.

And Yujin looked down again. 

And that was it, the thing she has been trying to assess earlier.

"was..in pain,"

This time, it wasn't the narrator that she was talking about.

"She...she's in pain,"

It was Minjoo.

She was also in pain.

After realization hits, Yujin walked out of the classroom, leaving everyone worried and confused.

And she started running, and she didn't know why. She was running without a route, but she knew where her feet are trying to bring her.

After a few minutes of sprinting, Yujin stopped, catching her breath.

She was now in front of the Fine Arts department building, and she was planning to run up until the 4th floor, where a certain room was more vivid every time she looks at it, thanks to the person that's not leaving her mind through love and pain.

But before she even attempted to start running again, Yujin felt a presence behind her.

As she slowly turned, she knew.

She didn't need to go up there, for the person she's dying to see, was right behind her, wearing clueless and worried eyes. And seems to be surprised.

Not just that, but she was holding her hand still dripping with blood caused by the glass shards earlier.

"Y-yujin?"

Minjoo called her like it was very unbelievable, she wasn't sure about the present if it's real or not. Or was she being delusional due to the small cut from her finger?

The latter