“Ya, Kim Taehyung, what’s going on with your ex-girlfriends? The whole school is talking about them…”, Yoongi came up behind Taehyung when he saw him walking into the campus.  

Taehyung was only staring at the gravel pavement as he sauntered on, fighting off the memory of you leaving the café with Haejoong. He didn’t even catch what Yoongi had said until Yoongi wrapped an arm around his shoulder and shouted “YA!” into his ears.  

Yoongi had to explain the whole situation to his oblivious junior, only to have Taehyung abruptly shoot up from the bench he sat at with Yoongi upon hearing the news.

“Where are you going…”, Yoongi asks unsurprised, a hand holding up his chin, “… to find the victim or the…”, Yoongi did not believe you would do something like that as well and he had difficulty finding a suitable term to refer to you.  

“Do you know where they are?”, Taehyung asked anxiously.  

“Mmm, I didn’t see Jihyun at all today, but I saw Y/N at the student office…”, Yoongi spoke slowly and Taehyung was about to dash off in the direction of the student office, “… hey hey! She left already! With her friend… what’s that guy’s name again?”, Yoongi tried to recall his name dispassionately.  

Taehyung’s body halts like an emergency brake was activated. He forgot. He wasn’t the one that you wanted by your side anymore. Where did he think he was going? Who did he think he was?  

“Haejoong”, Taehyung whispers, his teeth slightly clenching.  

“Yeah yeah, that’s his name… Haejoong”, Yoongi snaps a finger at finally remembering.  

Hearing the name repeated back to him causes him to see the same two back views walking away from him again, the echoes of your footsteps surrounding him. Taehyung backs up and sits down on the bench next to Yoongi, putting his face into one of his huge palms, closing his eyes and wishing that the scene would stop replaying before him, he doesn’t want to see it again… just stop, please.  

—

He didn’t look for either Jihyun or you in the next few days but he did text and call a lot, hoping there would at least be one reply. But there were none.   

Everyone in school seemed to be talking about it though and he would hear random students making comments about the both of you. Some said Jihyun was attention-seeking, some said she was a boyfriend-stealer, some pitied her, and some just made lewd remarks. He wanted to stand up for her or to just punch those objectifying her, but he couldn’t. If he defended her, if he protected her, what would that make you?  

The gossip about you were not kind as well. Some called you vengeful, some called you a bully, some said it might not be you after all, and some joked that your photos should be uploaded too. He fought himself the hardest, he fought the urge to just speak up for you, to punish them for you, because he knew he couldn’t. If he defended you, if he protected you, what would that make Jihyun?  

—

Taehyung watches as Haejoong walks into class alone. You were not here. Jihyun was not here either.  

“Where’s Y/N?”, Taehyung demanded after the lecture finally ended.  

“I honestly don’t know. I went to her hostel a few times but no one responded when I knocked. I texted and called her too and she didn’t answer. Maybe she’s just lying low for the time being like how the student office lady asked her to… What about Jihyun? Is she alright?”, Haejoong answered mild-manneredly.  

Taehyung doesn’t answer his question and turns to dash off, breezing past Hyesoo who was about to approach the both of them.  

“Hey, are you ignoring me or you don’t know the answers either?”, Haejoong raises his voice just enough for Taehyung to hear him but Taehyung doesn’t bother turning back, having made up his mind about where he is heading to next.  

Of course he knew the answer – neither of you are alright.  

—

The brick-paved walkway heading towards the girls’ hostel formed a daunting fork before him. He has taken these paths countless of times, but today he stood here, waiting. He wasn’t waiting for anyone, he was waiting for himself to come around. 

He was the dim-witted idiot who couldn’t read his own feelings, who couldn’t make the necessary decisions, who avoided hurting anyone but ended up hurting everyone. Thanks to that he has taken himself out of the position to be looking out for either of you. But he is still concerned, and even if none of you wanted to see him, he needed to know that you were safe.

Formulating the decision of which path he wanted to take was not that difficult, the paralysing part was his concern for the well-being of path he wasn’t going to take. 

He glances at the walkway on the right, knowing how much he had already hurt her. He digs out his phone from his pockets and sends a message to her, asking her if she was doing ok and telling her to call him anytime she wants to, they are still friends after all. As he clicks the button sending out the message, he turns to head down the pathway to the left instead.  

With that he ended outside your dorm room. He banged on your door a few times but there was no response. So, he headed back down the stairs and went looking for you at all the places he could think of. 

It was already almost ten at night when he decided to go back to your hostel and try again. He rattled your room door so loudly that your neighbour had to come out and shout at him to leave the dorm. But somehow he felt like you were inside and thus he wouldn’t budge, not unless someone physically drags him away from your door.  

His persistence paid off though. When you finally answered the door, the boulder crushing his lungs finally lifted. But when he saw the state you were in, the boulder drops right back onto his heart instead.  

You looked at your neighbour and she was saying a few things to you that Taehyung couldn’t hear, the static in his mind overtaking him again. How many days have you been like this? Should he take you to the doctor? What if you didn’t want to talk to him at all? But he really couldn’t leave you like this. Why are you being like this over some rumours? Why is he being like this, clinging to your side even though you may be happier if it were someone else here and not him? 

You said something back to your neighbour, expending all the air that was still left in your lungs. Then you turn to look at Taehyung and spoke to him weakly, your eyes still out of focus, “Let’s talk outside…”  

—

His wet coat now hung at your window. The sound of the erratic hairdryer echoing in the room. And the smell of hot chocolate filling the air.  

It was not the first time you smuggled the boy into your room. Taehyung sat at your desk, ruffling his hands through his hair, a mug sitting precariously near his swinging arm. You couldn’t let him just head off in the biting cold of the night dripping wet from the bucket of water he took for you.  

You sat on your bed, your hands absorbing the warmth emitting from the porcelain. You don’t even remember how many days you have been lying indoors, not bothering to take in any sustenance until now.  

Suddenly the sound of the hairdryer was cut off, Taehyung looked up at you swiftly. “Aishhhh, I forgot about that…”, he unhappily mutters to himself and shoots up to march towards his coat.  

He reaches his hands into one of the inner pockets and pulls out something that looked like a snack. Primping up the packaging, he walked over and hands it to you when you see that it is the red bean bread you always bought from the convenient store.  

“I passed by the convenient store on the way and got it just in case you hadn’t been eating…”, he forces a smile at you.  

As he sat back down at your table, he sees the various post-it notes stuck to your mirror, the ones with the poems written for your photographs over the past weeks.  

“You kept all of these?”, he pointed at them.  

“All of what?”, you weren’t sure he was referring to what you thought he was referring to.  

“These notes I wrote to you… I thought you wouldn’t even read them…”, he answered with a little stammer, because his insides were trembling with the slightest excitement that you too, still had feelings for him.  

“Wait wha… what? These were written by you?”, the astonishment apparent in your voice and you stood up from your bed to walk over so that you could be certain of what he was pointing at.  

“You can’t recognise that these are my handwriting?” His heart drops as quickly as it rose a moment ago. You didn’t even know the notes were from him? If you knew maybe you wouldn’t have kept it. When was he going to learn to face it… that you no longer wanted him. 

“Taehyung, we weren’t together for that long… I don’t… how would I remember…”, it was your turn to stammer.  

“I remember how your handwriting looks like…”, and without giving you a chance to deliberate a response, he turns on the hair dryer again, so that he wouldn’t need to hear your reply, so that he can cut out the sounds in his own head. It felt like he was submerged in something, suffocating, struggling and a loud, dark but muted sound rang on in his ears.  

You were right. The two of you only dated for a few months. You must have let go of those feelings and those memories by now. It’s fine, he will hold on to them himself, until such time he was ready to let go.  

You had no idea what kind of anguish Taehyung was going through, and you only thought he was angry that you didn’t recognise that the notes were from him. 

You sat down on the floor next to your bed, resting your back against the frame and holding your knees close to your chest. You thought back to how much you shunned him ever since you broke up with him, how much you blamed him for not being there for you… and then to the words he said to you earlier: 

“I don’t want to stand on your side, Y/N, I want to stand by your side. I’m not here trying to pick the side that is wrong or right. Everyone makes mistakes. I just… don’t want you to be alone.”

“It’s not me…”, you muttered, after a long while.  

Taehyung turns off the hairdryer to hear you better, his left hand still grabbing a tuff of his hair.  

“Jihyun’s photos… it’s not me…”  

He never actually had a doubt.  

“But I did hurt someone really badly in high school… ”, you continued, poignantly.