“A collection of your choices is your life.”

At some point we all ask ourselves, “Where did it go wrong? When did it become like this?”  

Eventually we realise that there is no answer, for each choice we make is but one link in an extended chain. What we do, what we do not do. What we choose, what we do not choose. What we say and what we do not say. Every single choice has led us to this moment. So how can we determine which is the choice that we can blame all of this on?  

“I shouldn’t have trusted him…”, Jihyun weeps silently outside the police station.

“No… it’s not your fault Jihyun… If anything, I should have known when he was using me…”, you tried to comfort her.  

“It’s neither of your fault, we all wouldn’t have been in this situation if I hadn’t been an idiot…”, Taehyung said  

Jihyun looks at Taehyung and starts to reason with him that it has nothing to do with him at all.  

You quietly thought to yourself, “How did it become this way? Did it start when Taehyung broke up with you? Was it really triggered by the argument you had with Jihyun over that bullying video? So was your past to blame for all of this? No, but this wouldn’t have happened if you had not meet Taehyung in the first place. And this wouldn’t have happened if Jihyun never met Haejoong either. Does this mean that it was wrong the moment all of us crossed paths?”  

You were confused, very confused.  

“Guys, there’s no point in saying all these now. Let’s just go… it’s been a long day”, you uttered exhaustedly.  

A choice we make is like a photo etched onto film. It cannot be reversed. It cannot be changed. And we have to make such choices every day. There are no alternatives. Yet humans are fallible from the start. It is thus destined that we make mistakes.

—  

The next day Taehyung and you returned to the police station to record your statements as to how Haejoong had locked you on the school rooftop and coerced Taehyung into recording a false confession.  

As you were about to leave the station, Taehyung stopped abruptly. You followed his line of sight and it lands on Haejoong, his wrists bound by handcuffs and trudging slowly behind two police officers towards a caged van. Before Taehyung could catch you, you dashed across the foyer.  

Thank goodness you still had the sanity to ask the officers for permission to speak to Haejoong and they reluctantly granted you just two minutes.  

“Don’t you think you owe us an apology?”, you demanded.  

“What for? I did nothing wrong. I was showing her the truth… in fact, I was showing all of you the truth”, he lamented.  

“I hope the law punishes you enough for you to realise how wrong you are”, you snipped.  

Haejoong only shakes his head, “People are often punished for doing the right things too, Y/N. Someday you will understand that I mean well… like I said, I never intended to hurt you.”  

You shuddered when he said your name but felt someone hold gently onto your shaking hand.  

“Leave him be”, Taehyung said to you as he came up from behind you. He turns to Haejoong, “Don’t ever apologise, they are kind-hearted and I am afraid that they may forgive you. You were never deserving of Y/N… or Jihyun. You will never deserve her”, Taehyung clenches his teeth and held onto your hand a little tighter.

Haejoong looks shaken, faintly. His features filling with a sadness you have never seen in them before. Perhaps Taehyung hit the right nail – the only punishment to Haejoong is that his choices has led him away from the one thing he wanted.  

He did not say another word and turned back towards the barred vehicle behind him.  

Humans are fixated, in fact overly-obsessed, with the notion of making the right choices. Every other movie will tell you to “do the right thing”. We audaciously presume that the choices that can be made in this world are categorised into “right ones” and “wrong ones”, just like how a developed photo is a positive and there must therefore be a negative on a film somewhere. And all we have to do is to pick the side with the right ones. That is not always the case, not for everyone.  

—

The radio on the bus was having a lot of static disturbance but the music was country pop. You were looking out the window and you could see Taehyung’s reflection in it.  

He was lost in thought, sitting next to you but looking out the window on the other side of the aisle.  

“Hey… so um… where are we going?”, Taehyung muttered.  

“We are going to get hit by stones…”, you answered.  

“Huh?”, Taehyung was always rather spontaneous, but the bus was proceeding towards a particularly unfamiliar route and he would be happy to know at least something about the destination.  

“Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you whether you would take my side even if I did something wrong?”, you asked him.  

He tilted his head, eyes slanting upwards, thinking really hard.  

“… if it can’t be fixed, then let’s suffer the consequences together. If you have to apologise, I’ll apologise with you. If the world throws stones at you, I’ll get hit together.”

Is this what he think it is?  

“I’m visiting a friend. I go now and then, but I am never welcomed. I’m wondering whether it’ll be easier for me to face it if you are with me…”, your words were met with silence and an intense stare from Taehyung.  

“There are two stops left before we reach, you still have two chances to run away if you want to”, you ended on a lighter note.  

“Well, it’s not as if anyone would really throw stones at us, right?”, he smiles that same dorky smile and and you couldn’t help but feel better to have him next to you.  

—

“Leave, don’t you see that you are burdening him when you keep coming to visit him? He doesn’t want to see you! Leave!”, a high-pitched voice pierces the hallways as you were shoved to the ground and Taehyung stumbles. After regaining his balance, he quickly kneels down to help you up but you did not budge.  

“I won’t disturb him, he doesn’t have to see me. I just want to pass this letter to him… it’s not from me, it’s from another classmate”, you held out a tiny envelope with Jinho’s name written on the front.  

The woman who had pushed you away snatches the envelope, tears it in half before throwing it at you. “This reminds me…”, she mumbles as she disappears into the nearest room, coming back shortly with a box in her hands.  

“… take all these back with you…”, she hurls the entire content within the box onto you, inevitably hitting Taehyung with them too.  

“Stop coming, we don’t want your apology”, her voice rumbles and the door crashes shut.  

There was no one else left in the corridor except Taehyung and you, the floor surrounding you littered with photographs, letters, cards, charms and pendants brought or sent by you and your friends over the years.  

And all choices have consequences – in some way or another, whether you intended it or not. Are you really picking someone’s side? Or are you merely choosing what consequences you are able to live with?

—

The lake behind the rehabilitation centre was no longer as frozen as it was before and the view was not as misty as it used to be.  

“Oh, isn’t this the lake in your photos?”, Taehyung recognises the scenery as he approaches alongside you.  

You just nodded. Every time after visiting Jinho you would end up at this lake and you imagined if you were drowning in it. If you were screaming in the middle and no one had heard you or saved you. You imagined the despair, and that is what you imagine Jinho must have felt. And then each time you were able to make the same choice again and again, that you will continue to come quietly, apologise silently, and let him decide if he was willing to let you in.  

“But in the end, spring will come someday. The ice will melt and flow away”, you whispered. Taehyung turns to look at you sharply, surprised that you are recalling his words. “Thanks for telling me that… it meant a lot to me then… I will wait for the ice to melt and flow away, let’s hope it does happen someday, but if it never happens, at least I tried to do something about it”, you smiled back at him satisfied with your decision again.  

You turn to walk back towards the bus stop and Taehyung stays standing by the lake, watching you, and deliberating. He feels that maybe it is finally time to ask you to consider giving the relationship a second shot.  

“Y/N”, he finally calls out to you just as you walked into the shade of a young budding tree. You turned to face him and he slowly walks up to you.  

“Isn’t spring nice? Even though the flowers were lost because of the winter, they get to bloom again in spring”, Taehyung marvels, still not quite decided on whether to make the proposition.  

You looked up at the blossoming tree, not recognising what kind of flower it is.

“In the bigger picture it is probably a nice sentiment, but from the flower’s point of view, once it has wilted, then it will never bloom again…”, you replied.  

This prompted you to take out a film camera from your bag and snap a photo of the flowers, the slow mechanical sounds from the rolling of the film permeating the air.

In that moment, Taehyung seems to have understood something.  

There is never truly a second chance at anything. The flower that bloomed this spring, even though on the same tree, is never the same flower from the past spring. And therein lies the gravity of our choices.  

He finally understands the difficulty and his inability to make certain choices in the past, but now he also knows that his inaction had then amounted to a choice as well. He sighed deeply, finally coming to terms that he too, has to face the consequences of his unintended choices.  

You were puzzled by him, “Are you okay?”, you asked.  

He inhaled as deeply as he sighed before replying, “I cannot say ‘let’s start again’, since the flower from last year has already wilted. I will not ask you to come back to me if you do not want to. My choices have led us here, and it’s only fair for it to be your turn. Whatever you choose, I will live with that. So, this time let me ask you instead, do you still want me as your boyfriend… or just a friend… or not even a friend? What do you want, Y/N? What will you pick?”