It was the first night of the freshman orientation camp. On your way back from brushing your teeth, you passed by the room where all the senior girls were gathered when you heard a symphony of loud shrieks.  

“I knew it! I knew you have set your eyes on Kim Taehyung!!”, one senior screams as another lets out a long squeal.  

“You pick the cutest freshman every year! Hyesoo sunbaenim~ do you think you can let the cute freshman go this year? Give us a chance woman~~”, the same girl whined.  

“What makes you think he’ll just accept Hyesoo? He looks like he would be picky-”, someone pointed out logically.  

“Ya, I’m Park Hyesoo, if I set my eyes on someone, I’m getting him, whether he likes it or not”, she said threateningly, “Hey Jinju, tomorrow is the treasure hunt right?”, she turns to ask another camp organiser who nods in response. “Perfect… none of you make any moves, you hear me?”  

“Ugh, Hyesoo, don’t forget what happened with the freshman you tried to get it with last year”, one of the other senior girls visibly rolled her eyes while grousing.  

“Why are you bringing that up again?”, Hyesoo sounded annoyed.

One of their friends must have wanted to break up the tension as she pounced between them, “Hyesoo probably stands the best chance anyway. Good thing I spotted another pretty cute guy in the other team…”

You now sat in your dorm room remembering the scene you witnessed, feeling utterly unsurprised that as senior who objectifies her juniors would have used her position to torment you like that. She probably heard the news about your break up with Taehyung and thought that putting you in the same group with him and Jihyun would entertain her malevolent wants.

To not let her feel overly-victorious, you had chosen to accept the arrangement, and your first group meeting was scheduled for tomorrow.

You tried to focus on the reading that you had to do for class, but the disgust your body generated from recalling the seniors’ conversation and the dread of having to meet the two people you wanted to avoid the most tomorrow constantly disrupted your focus. Just then, your phone lying at the corner of the table buzzes.  

“Y/N, do you have some time now? Can we talk? I’m downstairs.”

You look upwards to identify the sender. “Kim Taehyung”. You had only changed the contact name back to his real name after you witnessed him walk into class with Jihyun. Even changing it to “Taehyung” wouldn’t have sufficed then, that’s what his friends would call him, you were probably lesser than that.  

—

“Alright that’s all the instructions I have. Now please find someone, preferably of the opposite gender, to partner up with before we start the treasure hunt!”, a male senior yelled lazily towards a room full of freshmen. He had a slur to his words and introduced himself as Yoongi.  

“Since our group has an odd number of freshmen, one of you have to pair up with one of us. How about Taehyung, would you like to go with me?”, Hyesoo flashes her signature catty eye smile.  

She was incredibly direct in her approach. Taehyung felt incredibly uncomfortable. And everyone else remained incredibly silent.  

“Hyesoo-ah, let the freshmen pick first, why are you calling dibs on a junior?”, Yoongi refreshingly disses her as he saunters by. Yoongi was one year senior to Hyesoo. She couldn’t wear it on her sleeve but she was probably cursing him in her head.  

“What are you guys waiting for? I’m not asking you to get married, hurry choose a partner…”, Yoongi continues to rush everyone in an irritable but mildly comic tone, obviously not very fond of this job he was assigned to do.  

For Taehyung, the signpost seems to have already been planted. Nobody dared to approach him. He couldn’t blame anyone, Hyesoo was infamous amongst the freshmen before the orientation even began anyway.

But all of a sudden, a tiny voice came from behind him “Hey, you wanna do this together?” He turns to meet your uncertain eyes, your right hand nervously rubbing the knuckle of your left thumb.  

Were you not aware of the potential consequences? He was grateful. But no, he shouldn’t implicate you. But yes, he really wants to accept your offer.  

His silence made you doubt every jump of your muscles and even two seconds were too much to bear. “It’s ok if you don’t want to…”, you smiled awkwardly and started to turn around.  

Hyesoo was watching the two of you through the corner of her eyes. She seizes the moment and marches towards Taehyung. “Taehy-”, she starts.  

“Let’s do it together”, he grabs a hold of your arm in a flash.  

Now, Taehyung leaned against the railing of the stairs outside the entrance to your dorm, he places the red bean latte he had been holding on the ledge as he continues to reminisce the events.  

He had offered to buy you a drink that day. You ordered this red bean latte and he recalls how he joked that you seem to have the preferences of an old lady.  

“Are you not afraid of offending Hyesoo?”, he had asked as he handed you the red bean latte back then.  

“I heard some things and I just thought since our group had more girls anyway… you shouldn’t be the one pairing up with her…”, you explained but avoided the details of what you had overheard.  

“Thanks. I’ve heard a number of things too, and I really didn’t want it to be me this time…”, he sighed.

“Sometimes it’s not that great to be good-looking huh?”, you cheekily , your eyebrows slightly bobbing.  

He suddenly leaned forward, “Does that mean you think I’m good-looking?”, he asked dorkily.  

Taehyung smiles at the memory. At that time, he thought it was just his gratitude to you for saving him multiple times from a randy senior. Come to think of it now, it probably started then. When you came to his side when nobody else would.  

His heart had started to lean on you.  

A click of the door lock startles him. You walked out through the translucent glass door, stopping halfway when you saw him waiting outside in the cold. He stood up straight from his slouching, dropping his folded arms to his side.  

Has he ever let you lean on him?  

—  

“I got this for you”, he clears his throat and holds out the warm drink. The night was freezing, and you were kind of grateful for the coziness the paper cup provided to your hands.  

“Were you busy doing something?”, he was looking straight at you while you avoided his eyes. It still hasn’t changed has it? The fact that you avoided him more.  

“A little”, you kept your voice as calm as possible and the contents of your reply as sparse as possible. “What did you want to say?”, you hoped this could be over before the latte became entirely cold, so you prompted him to just get to the point.  

“It’s late…”, he mumbles.

“It is”, you said over his words, remembering that you still had class next morning.  

“… to be doing this, but I’m sorry”, his gaze still resting on your dimly-lit face.

You look up sharply, finally meeting his puppy-like eyes. Maybe it was from the dry wind, but his eyes looked like they were strained a flush of red.  

“I’m sorry for not taking your side when you needed me to. I’m sorry for thinking you were being petty and not holding on to you. I’m sorry I accepted Jihyun even though I knew it will hurt you. I’m sorry for all of it. I genuinely thought I wasn’t hurting anyone if I stood in the middle.  

     I think now I know why they say “he who walks in the middle of the roads gets hit from both sides.” But only in this case I am the one hitting people on both sides. I was wrong and even if it’s late, I think I should apologise to you.”  

This is truly abrupt and out of the blue. You had wanted an apology like that since that night you broke up with him. But what made him realise all these suddenly?  

“It’s late…. I think I’m gonna go up now…”, you got up to head back, not sure how to respond to the unforeseen and intense apology, somewhat regretting coming down to meet him in the first place.  

“Can we… still be friends?”, he carefully whispered, his voice sounding like the raspy wind that blew throughout the cold winter nights. He wouldn’t even fathom standing another chance with you so all he could think of asking was this.

Did he just ask to be your friend? What does that mean?  

“I’ll think about it…”, you just wanted to leave, everything was too confusing for you to comprehend at this time, and in this bitter cold.  

You turned to escape back to the warmth of your room. He stared listlessly at your back-view drifting further. Maybe it was because his ears were freezing, but he could hear every footstep you took, each sound piercingly leaving a mark somewhere within.  

The feeling was inexplicable.  

But at least you said you would think about it, at least you haven’t made up your mind. The red bean latte sat on the wooden table, untouched. He used to believe that ex-lovers are lesser than strangers; so why does he feel like he would give up anything to even just remain at your side as a friend now?  

It was all inexplicable.  

—

The next day you were heading to the photography club room, thinking of borrowing a new lens from one of the seniors to experiment with. You turned the corner into the corridor that housed the photo wall, you recognise the side profile that came into view and curiously walked over to him.  

He stood facing the wall littered with photographs, his shirt tucked neatly into his pastel blue jeans as always, a piece of yellow paper pinched between his fingers. You peeked at it and there was a verse scribbled on it, similar to those which had been left on your photographs earlier.  

“You are the one who’s been leaving the post-its?”, your astonishment palpable. 

Facing you now, he smiles warmly and holds out the post-it in his hand, inviting you to take it.  

“Why are all of your poems so sad?”, you asked, taking the note into your own hands.  

“Why are all of your photos so sad?”, he turns the tables on you instead.  

You stuck the paper onto your photo, “I guess because I have no one by my side, and that would make anyone sad.”  

“I guess that’s why we get along… if you want to, I can be on your side from now on”, Haejoong answers.  

—

Taehyung watches Haejoong and you chatting and walking into the café together until both of you reached the table he sat at, his right thumb unconsciously squeezing the back of his left hand extra hard.  

“I heard about your break up. Is that why Jihyun’s not here today? Is she intending to change to another group?”, Haejoong enquired as he puts his stuff down on the seat opposite Taehyung, while you picked the seat diagonally across.

You were shocked to hear about the development but tried to pretend that you were not. There must be some connection between this and his sudden apology last night.  

“News indeed travels fast”, Taehyung was unimpressed.  

“News about you always travel fast, Kim Taehyung”, Haejoong’s tone was indecipherable. He didn’t seem to dislike Taehyung a lot but he didn’t seem to like him either. “Anyway, let’s just go ahead with the discussion, whether she’s coming or not…”, Haejoong suggested.  

—

“Are you going back to the hostel?”;

“I’ll send you back-”

Taehyung and Haejoong blurted at the same time as the three of you exited the café. The two of them turning to stare at each other.  

It took no longer than a heartbeat before you edged yourself closer to Haejoong, “Didn’t you say you wanted to show me a camera which you wanted to recommend? Let’s go do that first then head back.”  

“Sure, let’s do that”, his boyish smile comforting as usual, and he calmly tilts his head at Taehyung, “See you then.”

“See you”, you flashed a customary smile before turning away and walking up to Haejoong who was waiting for you to follow him.  

Taehyung couldn’t say a single word, as if he had lost his voice. If watching you walk away last night felt miserable, watching you walk away with Haejoong felt indescribably worse. He hears two sets of footsteps this time, in sync, fading away. His hands were clenched hard and shaking. It was freezing outside, but his insides felt colder.  

Some people constantly stand by you, but just because they were next to you when you needed them, it doesn’t always mean you were next to them when they needed you. He felt like such a cliché, for only when you left, did he feel the importance of your presence. But for you, perhaps, his absence meant that you were free to find someone better to fill that spot.  

He’s not begging to return to you; his heart never left. You are not a past love to him. So, he can never be your friend.

The sounds hounding him were different now that he figured out what went wrong. He, was what was wrong, and there was nothing he could say to salvage that.

It’s his fault.  

When he chose nothing, he actually made his choices. Even if he had not realised it then, they were still his choices, and therefore this pain, his consequences.

It was all his fault.  

—

Taehyung passes by the photo wall and turns to look at the picture bearing your name, staring at the note stuck to it:  

“The pain in my throat gets worse 
Try to cover it 
I don’t have a voice 
Today I hear that sound again”

It hurts. It all hurts.