Two girls were sitting on a bench under a barren tree when you walked past them. “That’s her, that’s her…”, one of them whispered to the other. You sauntered on soullessly, as if there were invisible shackles affixed to your ankles. The howling wind reminded you that you have yet to experience the coldest.  

Self-doubt, self-blame, self-victimisation; you wanted to put all that down. This time round, you were certainly neither the perpetrator nor the victim, but it was still arduous for you to stagger down the walkways towards the main cluster of university building.  

You stopped at the doorsteps of the student office, dreading the fact that you were about to enter alone.  

When you had opened your eyes that morning, it didn’t feel this lonesome. There was a recognisable sound palpitating in your ears. Maybe you still wouldn’t recognise his handwriting, maybe you still wouldn’t recognise his scent or his warmth, but from now on you were sure you would recognise his heartbeat, because it reminded you of this safety, no matter how fleeting.  

“Where are you going?”, Taehyung asked after you got up, preparing yourself to head out.  

“To the student office… I just want to see if they found anything new and to clarify that I’m not the one they are looking for. I realised I didn’t really make it clear the last time”, you spoke in a soft voice.  

“Good thing I don’t have classes this morning”, he yawned while stretching his back and legs. You walked over to where his coat hung at the window.  

“You don’t have to come with me”, you replied, taking his coat off the hanger, it was mostly dry by now.  

“Why? I’ve got time anyway, let’s go together”, he pouted slightly.  

You held out his coat, “Thanks for everything last night. At least now I feel like I shouldn’t doubt or victimise myself. This time I did nothing wrong, and I can’t be the one cowering here. Whether Jihyun believes me or not, I have to make things clear.”

“Yeah ok, so let’s go toge-”, he stood up while insisting.  

“I can do it myself”, you cut him off short, “I have to… you won’t always be here.”

He reached out to take the coat from your hand. You hadn’t let go, and he doesn’t pull it over. “I can if you want me to”, he whispered, words shaky.  

Facing the glass door outside the student office by yourself, you regretted sending Taehyung away with the excuse that he needed to get himself ready for class later. You thought the misunderstanding was only with Jihyun. What you didn’t know was how the entire world seems to have taken the side that perpetuates you as the culprit.  

This feeling was all too familiar.  

The automatic glass door suddenly glides open and you see two pairs of shoes walk out. Jihyun looked at you inscrutably, but you frowned in perplexion at the person next to her.  

“Y/N”, he did not look the least bit startled, “are you here to see Ms. Helen too?”, Haejoong enquires in his gentle tone as usual.  

You decided to put your bewilderment aside for the moment and took a step towards Jihyun. She uncontrollably stumbles an inch backward, Haejoong immediately side stepping an inch so that Jihyun was half-hidden behind him.  

You stared up at him wide-eyed, wondering what on earth he was trying to do but he only gives you a look of assurance and concern as though telling you that he is doing this for your own good. He shook his head slightly as though advising you not to approach Jihyun right now.  

“It’s not me”, you whispered with conviction at Jihyun. You felt like she didn’t think it was you either from the way she looked unwaveringly into your eyes. But then you became unsure when she suddenly tugged at Haejoong’s arms to indicate that she wanted to leave and he naturally escorted her away.  

—

You walked into class later than usual that day. Taehyung was already there and he perked up when he saw you. Instead of going up to him, you chose to sit at the furthest corner of the classroom again. Taehyung picks up his bag and marches over to you, ignoring all the stares he was getting, and he plants himself down next to you.  

You glared at him, hoping he would realise that you would much rather not garner such attention thanks to him but the moment was cut short when Taehyung suddenly gawked towards the door. You looked over too and saw Haejoong walking in with Jihyun following close to him, Haejoong side-eyes the rest of the class who were murmuring as they entered and whispered something to Jihyun before bringing her to sit down near the door.  

You felt the stares starting to converge onto you instead, and you scanned the classroom, many of your classmates averting your eyes immediately when you looked at them. The feeling was suffocating you again. Is this some kind of déjà vu? When the class ended, you promptly dashed out of the classroom as fast as lightening. Taehyung tried to chase after you but he lost you somewhere in the crowded corridor.  

You had barely made it out the building when you got a message from Jihyun, “Do you have time? Can we meet in the painting room for a short while?”  

—

“Hey…”, you murmured as you entered the room where Jihyun sat alone amongst the canvases and easels.  

“Hey”, Jihyun watches you walk up to her.  

“I umm…”, you tried to start the conversation but she took it from you.  

“I know it’s not you… but it’s difficult not to listen to anything.”  

It startles you that despite all that had happened to her, she was trying her best not to jump to the wrong conclusions about you. There must have been a reason why Taehyung was friends with her for so long after all.  

“I’m sorry you are going through such a thing”, you stammered as you struggled to find a response.  

“It’s not your fault… and you were right about one thing”, she looked down at her tightly-clasped hands and you could tell she was nervous.  

You faced her with puzzled eyes as she continued to speak.  

“Remember when we were fighting over that school bullying video? I thought I was doing the right thing by sharing it. But you asked me what if this wasn’t what the victim wanted? At that time, I thought you were just picking a fight with me, because whatever I did, you didn’t like it. Now I know it was me, I was the one picking the fight with you. Whatever you said to me, I didn’t like it.”

“Jihyun, you-”, you tried to interject but couldn’t.  

“Y/N, you were right. The victim doesn’t want awareness, or for more people to help, sometimes the victim just wants to be left alone, and for everything to blow over, quickly, quietly…”, her sorrow and helplessness were increasingly decipherable.  

“I’m sure they will catch the culprit soon, don’t listen to the things that other people say, we did nothing wrong, we…”, you tried to comfort her.

She lets out a deep sigh, “You must feel so disgruntled right now, since everyone keeps spreading the same rumours. Just now after the lesson I overheard a group of classmates talking about it too… and so I told them I don’t think it was you, and guess what they asked me?”  

You had no answer to her question.  

“They asked me… if it wasn’t you, why is Haejoong sticking by my side, taking care of me instead of you?”, she scoffed.  

This was the same question you had as well. And now you realise why the feeling is all so familiar – because someone who had always been by your side suddenly isn’t, and so the world again assumed that you were at fault after all.  

—

Taehyung was controlling his urge to confront Haejoong, so he devolves instead into glaring intently at Haejoong, who was standing at the vending machine in the school cafeteria.

“What are you sulking about now? Although if I were you, I’d probably be sulking too…”, Yoongi comes up to the seated Taehyung with two cups of coffee.  

“Nothing…”, Taehyung’s eyes were still glued to that annoying back view, not thinking that Yoongi will understand his dilemma.  

“What are the chances Kim Taehyung, that both your ex-es are involved in a situation like this. You must feel like you are in no position to do anything for any of them, right?”, Yoongi slides one of the drinks in between Taehyung’s hands.  

“How did you know that?!”, Taehyung exclaims.  

“Pfft, I may not look like I care very much but I know what’s going on around here, alright?”, Yoongi sits down across from Taehyung, unintentionally blocking his view of his nemesis.  

“As if it isn’t already frustrating enough that I can’t do anything, now I even have to watch him do this to her…”, Taehyung mutters without parting his teeth.  

“Who’s him?”, Yoongi turns around to glance towards the direction Taehyung was death-glaring at and spots Haejoong walking away.  

“Oh him…”, Yoongi sniggers, “He’s had a crush on her for a long time anyway, he took your pure arts class even though he’s a senior film-making major just to be in the same class as her-”

“If he likes her so much, shouldn’t he be better to her?”, Taehyung spoke agitatedly, not allowing Yoongi to finish his sentence.  

“What more do you want him to do?”, Yoongi asks nonchalantly.  

“What more? What is he even doing now? How can he just leave her in the ditch by herself in a time like this?”, Taehyung was visibly getting more worked up.  

“Huh? Wait wait wait… who are you talking about?”, Yoongi senses that there was a disparity in their conversation.  

“Im Haejoong!”, Taehyung exclaims.  

“Yeah I know that! I mean who is the ‘her’ you are talking about?!”, Yoongi grew a little impatient too, leaning forward to smack Taehyung’s forehead.  

“Y/N, of course”, Taehyung answered, feeling a pinch in his chest.  

“What? No… no no”, Yoongi was taken aback, “Haejoong doesn’t like Y/N…”

“What do you mean he doesn’t like Y/N? Haven’t you seen the way he clings to her? Wait… then who is the ‘her’ you are talking about?”, Taehyung frowned.

“Jihyun, Kim Jihyun.”

—

Taehyung dashes out of the cafeteria, looking around frantically trying to find Haejoong but he was nowhere to be seen.  

“It’s a well-known fact amongst the film-making seniors that Haejoong has liked Jihyun way before you even dated her. Did you not know that?”, Yoongi’s question must have been rhetorical.  

Taehyung feels like he desperately needs to do something. Should he call you, but what can he ask you? Should he call Jihyun, but what can he tell her? He doesn’t have anything to prove it, but in his heart he feels it – something just doesn’t feel right.  

—

Winter nights always crept up too hastily. The sunset filtered through the windows drawing out your shadow and hers too.  

“Y/N, I know I’ve been really selfish but it is really difficult for me now. Every time someone looks at me, I would flinch, and I keep feeling like they are all talking about me, and staring at me like I’m some-”, Jihyun’s voice began to break and it echoed in the empty painting room.  

“Jihyun, you are not what they say you are. You are just the victim in this, nothing else”, you assured her.  

She manages to calm down before speak again, “What I’m trying to say is that I know if I accept Haejoong’s help right now it wouldn’t look good on you, but I have nobody else now and somehow he is the only person willing to help me…”

You didn’t really focus on hearing the rest of her explanation, all you could think about was how Haejoong steadfastly insisted he would be on your side, but where was he when you needed him too? Why is he suddenly so nice to Jihyun? And why did he lie about the post-its to you? You weren’t feeling upset or jealous and you had no way to prove it but something just doesn’t feel right.  

“Finally found the both of you”, a voice suddenly breaks your trance, it was mellow, but it made you spin around in your seat sharply. Haejoong was standing only less than a metre away and you don’t even know when he had entered the room. He wore his usual boyish smile. You hoped that it was because of the sunset, but the shadows of his smile began to make you apprehensive.