You couldn’t help it, but the next few days you spent outside of your apartment as often as possible. You studied in cafes around Pledis, you went on walks at any time of the day that you could find yourself doing nothing else, you went to the store whenever you guys needed anything, but suddenly it was like there were no Seventeen members to run into anywhere.

Not, that this was the reason that you were trying to be out.

You were just feeling cooped up inside of the apartment.

Everytime you sat down at your desk to do work your legs felt like they were jelly. Useless. Your heart would begin to pump in your chest, your eyes would wander to the window outside as you hoped for a glimpse of someone that might be there.

You couldn’t focus on a word your friends said to you, or let your attention be taken away by a television show or a book. All you could do was sit there and think about all the time you were wasting being inside.

Why be in your room when you could be outdoors? Why stay coped up inside where he would never find you, when you could run the risk of bumping into him outside, just by taking ten minutes to walk down the street.

Your fingers clenched into a ball and you laid your pencil down on your desk, glancing at the clock on the table beside you. It was late. What were you still doing out. He wouldn’t be here.

You sighed.

You wouldn’t run into Jihoon again before he went to Japan.

No matter how much you ran away from the truth. No matter how much you told yourself that you weren’t out here for him. No matter how much your brain insisted that your restlessness was due to exam stress, you knew the real reason you were out here. You knew the real reason that you packed up your things, left the cafe without another word and ventured into the deep, dark, rainy night.

You knew why instead of taking the street that would lead you to your place in five minutes you decided to detour to a convenience store to buy a phone cord you had been putting off purchasing. You knew the real reason why you took the long way home. The real reason why you were walking slowly enough for a turtle to pass you.

Each step dragging more and more as you grew closer to your destination, until finally you stopped wanting to move at all. Your body swayed in the air for a moment, each limb feeling like it had never been used before. For a moment you couldn’t even remember how to make your finger twitch, how to make yourself move on.

Maybe… Maybe if you just...

You sat down on the sidewalk, your fingers dragging through the puddle before you.

You missed Jihoon. You missed Jihoon and he hadn’t even left Korea yet.

Your fingers sent small ripples through the water. Little waves that deflated before they even reached the concrete land surrounding them. It made you just that much more frustrated.

What if… What if you didn’t get to see Jihoon again before he left for Japan. What if you never got to see him again?

What if like those stupid waves in the puddle you only made a minor difference in his life, but not a lasting one. That’s all you had ever really been in people's lives anyways. A brief ripple in an ocean of events, and fear, and angst, and happiness.

You shut your eyes tightly, trying to will yourself not to think like that.

Jihoon liked you, and so did every other member of Seventeen. The others guys especially seemed to think that you were good for Jihoon. They wouldn’t let you out of his life just yet.

And you couldn’t give up on being a part of his either, especially not without any good reason.

You shut your eyes, and the drizzle returned, tiny raindrops splashing against your flushed skin.

“There's a song that's inside of my soul,” you began, your voice softly echoing through the eerie alley way. “It’s the one that I’ve tried to write-”

You raised your fingers into the air, dancing them through the raindrops, your eyes focusing on different things at different moments.

“Over and over again. I’m awake in the infinite cold. But you sing to me over and over and over again.”

You wondered what it would be like for Jihoon to sing specifically to you. You knew that it was a dream of his, to sing to someone that he loved. He wanted to sing Winter Child too, it was from the same show.

Your heart skipped a beat.

You needed to stop thinking before you got ahead of yourself.

“So I lay my head back down.”

You rested your head down on the wet concrete, and smiled to yourself, staring at your fingers and where you had rested them on the sidewalk.

“And I lift my hands and pray, to be only yours I pray, to be only yours.”

You could hear the sound of footsteps. Their echo, their deliberate steps towards you. You didn’t stop singing, even though a part of you thought you should.

“I know now.”

You looked up, your eyes meeting Jihoon’s with such calm ease that it was almost like he was just another friend that you were seeing on the sidewalk. Of course, you supposed he was in a way just that.

“You’re my only hope.”

Jihoon cracked a smile. He was wearing jeans, a shirt that was easily two sizes too large for him, and a loose ped jacket over it that was probably about the same size. He looked good. He always looked good, what were you even thinking?

“I hear someone, outside in the cold rain, singing all on her own in a dark alley in the middle of the night. Any normal person would walk away, but I just knew it would be you,” he said pleasantly. You sat up, and he took a step closer to you, as he did, the rain stopped falling. You looked at him, a pout spread over your lips.

“Are you trying to say I’m not normal?” You asked him. He chuckled and knelt down to your height.

“Not normal, and trying to get sick.”

He tilted forward just a little bit, and as such the rain stopped. You furrowed your eyebrows briefly and peered up past him. He had an umbrella. You smiled at him.

“Stay with me, I still can’t be alone in the rain without you,” you sang softly. He seemed surprised by the sound of his own lyrics being placed in the air between them, but not upset by it.

“Downpour is a sad song,” he stated softly. He held out his hand to you, his palm facing the sky. “You aren’t sad are you?”

You pressed your lips together and stared at his awaiting hand.

He clearly wasn’t expecting you to hesitate.

This wasn’t evident because of any tell-tale sign that he showed after making the move ,but you still somehow knew he hadn’t been expecting it. After all, girls probably often scrambled to be able to touch his hand, see him smile, be in his presence.

You had always liked to set yourself apart from them all. You used to love the fact that you never obsessed over idols and put them on this pedestal that they themselves probably even felt a little uncomfortable being on. But in reality, you were just like all of them. Except, you weren’t putting Jihoon up on some pedestal at the moment like he was some sort of idol.

You just saw him as a guy. A guy who was willing to take your hand. A guy who wanted to know why you were upset. A guy willing to listen.

And that was utterly fascinating to you, because you had never once in a million years expected to find someone like that. He suddenly seemed so high up on that pedestal, a gentle expression spread over his lips, an expression you never imagined you would be the recipient of.

He was so inexplicably patient with you. So willing to take his time and let yourself test the waters the way that you wanted to. While he may want to jump in, he was wading with you because that was the way you had decided to approach all of this.

You hesitantly rested your hand in his.

“I am a little sad.”

His fingers wrapped around yours, his thumb hooking yours. He used this new grip to pull you up to your feet. You stumbled a little as you did, falling into his chest. He steadied you easily, both of you chuckling as the whole incident occurred. Once he had you steadied, he raised his eyebrows towards you.

“Alright, what are you sad about?” He asked. You pressed your lips together.

“You’re going to Japan.”

The smile dropped from Jihoon’s lips.

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

You two fell to silence, and for a moment you thought he might be done with you. Sick of playing your games sick of wading, sick of-

“It’s not going to be forever, just a little bit, and then we’ll be back and I’ll see you again,” he assured, his voice soft. You’re pounding heart relaxed almost immediately.

“I know, I just can’t help but fret over it,” you replied. “And I’m going to miss you while you’re gone.”

“I’m going to miss you too,” Jihoon agreed. The way he said it was odd, like he hadn’t really thought over what was going to transpire when he went off to Japan. “I’ve never had someone like you in my life and it’s so rare to meet someone willing to work around my schedule, willing to fit into my busy life.”

“We hardly ever see each other,” you agreed. “In truth we barely know each other.”

“Well, I know a lot about you, y/n.”

You looked up at Jihoon in surprise, finding him staring at you earnestly. You opened your mouth to ask him what that meant, but before you could he chuckled to himself and began to nervously mess with his ear between his fingers.

“But you’re right. Despite how little time we’ve actually spent together, we don’t know each other very well… And still, the idea of nothing seeing you for months it’s…”

“Unbearable,” you finished for him. You sighed softly and looked up at him. “Jihoon, what are we? Why do I miss you so much when I don’t even know the answer to that question?”

Jihoon paused, his expression turning solemn for a moment. You stared at him, the silence around you echoing with every drop of rain that hit Jihoon’s umbrella.

It reminded you of something pretty important.

Jihoon had never done this before. Done any of this before. He had never had a girlfriend, or probably even had anyone who might be a girlfriend. He had admitted that the two of you’s relationship was different, he’d even kissed you.

You looked away from Jihoon, a small smile crossing your lips.

He was doing a lot for the two of you. The least you could do was the same for him. This was the last time you would see Jihoon in a while. The least you could do was make the memory something to remember, not something that just left you confused.

Jihoon would never fall in love with you.

No matter what this was, he was an idol, and you were just a fan.

Ever since you had gotten to Korea you had been acting like something crazy could happen, something crazy like you actually being able to make an idol fall in love with you.

As far as he knew, you weren’t even his ideal type. It had been ages since you had truly acted like the self that Jihoon would fall in love with.

A girl who is bright and friendly.

Hah. As if.

All you were nowadays was depression. Purely depression, and nothing else. Even worse, you acted like this depression set you apart from everyone else. Made you special, made you different. But in reality, it was nothing secret, nothing special. Hundreds of other people had to depression. You needed to stop acting like being sad set you apart from others.

You in a sharp breath, pushing the negative thoughts down.

“Are you excited at least?” You asked. He looked over at you, his eyes widening slightly, so you clarified. “For Japan that is.”

“Oh, yeah, Japan is nice,” he replied. “Have you ever been?”

You shook your head.

“Have you been to-” You started to ask but he interrupted you.

“Of course, only fake fans haven’t been to Akihabara upon visiting Japan,” he replied with a laugh. He continued to speak but you mostly zoned it out for the moment, instead just watching him stand there a smile spread over his face.

Your heart fluttered as you stared at him

God, he was everything you had never known that you wanted in life. You had always wanted a guy who liked you for who you were, treated you differently then he treated others, considered you special and cherished your relationship but didn’t flaunt it or anything.

Despite the fact you two weren’t even dating, you knew that was the exact kind of guy that he was. You had found it bizarre when you first started to like him as an idol. When you found out just how compatible you two were, your star signs, personality types, his ideal type, you couldn’t believe it. The coincidences were uncanny… But never did you think he would actually fall for you.

Which of course, even now it was evident that he wouldn’t.

Sure, it was early but his hesitance was clear enough to you.

He would never call you his girlfriend, or think of you before he fell asleep every night. He would never truly miss you or want to move in together and honestly, that was okay.

You squeezed his hand with yours and started to pull him forward, walking with him towards your place. He acknowledged the action by starting to move his feet but didn’t stop talking.

Being here with him made you want to do more. Looking at him now, you wanted to be everything to him that he had ever been to you.

You wanted to be worthy of his friendship. Worthy of his attention. Worthy enough to be able to love him the way you did.

“Jihoon,” you said softly when he took a second to breathe. He paused to acknowledge you with a head tilt.

“Yeah?”

You wanted to tell him about your building emotions. Explain to him that you were suppressing the part of yourself that was willing to risk everything and jump into a relationship. You wanted him to know you the way you wanted to one day know him.

“Have fun in Japan.”

A curious look crossed Jihoon’s face, and you could see the gears turning in his head. Neither of you seemed too upset anymore about the whole gone for months thing. Even though you knew that the lack of aching was only temporary, you were still taking the most advantage of the feeling that you could.

“I will,” he said softly. You stopped walking and swung your joined hands back and forth.

“I can walk myself from here. I’ll see you around Jihoon.”

That made Jihoon snicker. You gave him a confused look.

“What?” You asked. He shrugged.

“I guess it’s just the first time I’ve ever heard you say anything but goodbye to me,” he responded softly. Before you could ask him why that was so important he pulled away from you, his warm fingers leaving yours. “I will see you around y/n.”

And with that, he waved and walked away.