When Eunha tells her she won’t be able to come along to the Hostel tonight, Sana desperately wants to cancel. It turns out that having at least one person at the table who doesn’t know about her and Jihyo’s history is the only thing keeping Sana from spontaneously combusting. Without Eunha it will be just Sana and the people who witnessed her life fall apart and the girl who caused it. Oh, and Jihyo’s charming new boyfriend.

Still, Mina insists, and it is her wedding so Sana decides she can pull it together for a single night. Besides, tonight they’re doing drinks, and she could really use some alcohol. Also, Eunha would definitely think it’s weird if she didn’t come, and she is still not ready to provide any explanations. She knows it’s wrong but she likes having Eunha in the dark. It’s nice to have at least one pair of eyes that are not looking at her with pity.

(Except for Jihyo, who mostly doesn’t look at her at all).

Most of the night goes by uneventfully. Mina makes margaritas. Everyone’s minds are blown whenever Tzuyu drinks or says something too adult and she constantly has to remind them that she’s literally in college now. Jihyo’s boyfriend Jackson apparently doesn’t drink, so he hangs out with them for the first couple of hours while sipping on club soda and then disappears into their room to get some sleep, Jihyo following shortly after. Sana knows that she should feel more comfortable without them around, but it only makes it worse.

Jeongyeon eventually passes out on the couch, she was never very good at holding her liquor and Nayeon and Chaeyoung volunteers to help carry her up to her room, leaving only Sana, Tzuyu, Dahyun and Mina. She can tell they’re about to start up some depressing girl talk and ask about how she’s holding up and she’s really not in the mood.

She excuses herself, telling everyone she’s going to the bathroom, tequila bottle still in hand, but her stupid drunken feet betray her and she finds herself approaching Jihyo’s room. She silently tells her feet that this is a bad idea, that Jihyo and Jackson are probably having or something and she should get back right now, but it turns out it’s too late. The door to the room is open and only Jackson is inside, eyeing her like he was already expecting her in the first place.

“She’s not here.” He guesses exactly what Sana is thinking. “I think she went for a walk or something.”

“Uh, sorry.” She regains control of herself, finally. “Wrong room, I… I was looking for the bathroom.”

He ignores her sorry attempt at a lie. “Do you want to come in?”

She doesn’t. She shouldn’t. She should be getting right back to her friends.

Instead, Sana takes a seat on an empty chair near the bed. She has been to the Hostel more times than she can possibly count but she doesn’t think she’s ever been inside this room before. When they used to come here together it was usually designated to Chaeyoung. Sana usually stayed on the second floor, on a room that used to be reserved for her and Jihyo. She guesses that one is probably empty now. Everyone treats it like it’s haunted.

“I have the feeling you want to ask me something.” Jackson breaks the silence between them. “Go ahead.”

“She seems like she’s doing okay,” Sana states, aware that she should probably just stay quiet, but unable to. “Was she already this okay when you met her?”

He shakes his head slowly. “No. She definitely wasn’t okay when we met, no.”

“You helped her.” It’s not a question. Sana knows it’s true.

“I like to think that I did, yeah. She did most of the work, though.”

Sana just nods silently, trying to process that information.

“She and I are not actually together, you know.” He tells her even though she definitely wasn’t planning on asking about that. “You can stop giving me that death stare.”

Sana realizes, to her own surprise, that knowing this doesn’t change much. Whether or not Jihyo and Jackson are dating isn’t really that relevant. It’s not what bothers her.

(Well, it does bother her, but it’s not what bothers her the most).

“You do love her, though.” Is all she says, keeping her gaze on the open doorway and away from Jackson.

“Not like that.”

“Oh, c’mon. I see you. You’ve got the hopelessly in love with Park Jihyo look all over your face.” She rolls her eyes at him. She probably shouldn’t continue, but her tongue is loosened by the alcohol. “Trust me, I know that look. I basically invented it.”

“That might be true.” He doesn't seem at all offended or defensive. In fact, he carries himself with such calm and patience it kind of makes Sana want to tell him all of the things she couldn’t even admit to herself. She takes a large gulp of tequila, hoping she’ll pass out soon instead of having to go through this. “We’re still just friends, though.”

“You don’t get it.” She retorts. “It doesn’t matter if you guys are friends or more than that, it’s just…This whole time, I, we were all worried about her. She just disappeared, moved all the way across the country and stopped answering everyone’s calls. She was a wreck back then. I was terrified, but it turns out she was just with you. She was with you this whole time and none of us got so much as a text.”

Jackson raises his eyebrow as if he has just found the missing piece to his puzzle. “You’re angry at her.”

“ you.” She hisses. Sana is not a violent person. In fact, she’s probably the least violent person she knows, she barely even curses. And maybe it’s the alcohol, but when the smug son of a Jackson suggests that she is angry at Jihyo for being okay makes her want to punch him in the guts. She doesn’t do it, but she seriously wants to. “I have loved her my entire life, even after everything that’s happened I’m happy she’s doing good.”

He remains unaffected. “You can be glad she’s okay and be angry at her at the same time, you know.”

Jackson is right and it shatters her. Suddenly she’s sobbing, all of the things she’s been bottling up for the past three and a half years bursting right out. “I tried everything Jackson. I loved her with all my heart and she was hurting so much and I wanted to be there for her, I was there for her, but it only seemed to make it worse. All she did was push me away. I don’t get it. Why you? What’s so special about you? How the hell did you get through to her when I couldn’t?”

Thankfully, Jackson doesn’t try to soothe her, still sitting in place, watching her attentively. “Shouldn’t you be asking her that?”

“How?!” She’s screaming now, too drunk to care if someone will hear. “She won’t even look at me! I asked her the simplest, dumbest question yesterday and she gave me a three-word answer!”

“I’m sorry about that.” It’s not Jackson who answers. Sana turns around to see Jihyo standing at the doorway, her watery eyes fixed on the floor beneath her. . How long has she been there?

Jihyo remembers Sana as a soft kind of drunk. The kind of drunk that cuddles a little too much, speaks a little too close to people and thinks everyday things are absolutely hilarious.  She was not the crying kind of drunk (like Momo was), nor the disobedient kind of drunk (like Nayeon was). Clearly, over the course of the past few years, things have changed.

“I should go home.” She stands nonchalantly, a nearly finished bottle of tequila in her hands. “Have any of you seen my keys?”

Jihyo blocks the entryway. “You’re drunk.”

“So? My apartment isn’t that far away.”

“You can’t drive while you’re drunk, Sana. It’s dangerous and also illegal.”

“Fine.” Sana rolls her eyes. “I’ll just get a lyft, then.”

Jihyo sighs. “I don’t think getting a lyft at 3 A.M. while we’re literally in the middle of nowhere is the best idea, either.”

“What the do you want me to do then, Jihyo? I can’t stay here, I have class.”

Jihyo winces at this, her whole body physically retreating at the anger in Sana’s voice. Jihyo is more than used to dealing with mean drunks, she’s gathered plenty of experience in the past three years, but this feels different. In the 22 years they’ve known each other, Sana had never snapped at Jihyo like that. Not even when she deserved it. Jihyo wants to crawl up into a ball and cry but now is not the time. “Call Eunha. Maybe she can come to get you.”

Sana stills seem to be fuming with rage, but she does what she’s told, grabbing her phone from her pocket and pressing it to her ear, her voice forcefully softer as she speaks. “Hey, baby? I’m sorry to wake you, it’s just...I might have had too much tequila. Can you pick me up? Thanks, babe! Love you.”

Jihyo just stands there, not knowing what to do with herself. It’s a simple 30-second phone call but she feels like she’s intruding. “Do you want a glass of water or something?”

The look Sana gives her burns through her skin. “For god’s sake, Jihyo just go away .”

(Ouch).

“Hey, Jihyo,” Jackson interjects. She almost forgot he’s still in the room. “Maybe you should wait outside, I’ll keep her company until Eunha gets here. Would that be okay with you, Sana?”

“Fine.” Sana nods reluctantly.

Jihyo’s head hangs low as she leaves the room, and she’s glad to find that everyone has already gone to sleep as she reaches the parlour. She lets herself drop to one of the couches, burying her face deep in its cushions. She sobs as quietly as possible, afraid she’ll wake someone.

She knows that Sana has the right to tell her to go away. In fact, considering all that she’s done, it wouldn’t be surprising if Sana asked her to leave the Hostel altogether, to disappear from there and never come back. Jihyo knows what Steve would say: she can’t fix the past but she can do better in the present, and that maybe the best thing she can do for Sana now is stay away from her. He would tell her that this doesn’t mean Jihyo is a horrible person, she’s just a regular person who did bad things she can’t take back, and even if she can’t repair the relationships she has broken she can still make new ones and be better for those. She still deserves to be happy. Jihyo knows all that, she just wishes it didn’t hurt so much.

Jihyo does her best to let go of the guilt and the anger and the self-hatred, leaving just the sadness. Steve always says that sadness is okay, that sadness would help her heal and stay in the right track, so she lets herself be sad. She cries and cries and cries and, when she’s finally tired of crying, she gets up from the couch and grabs herself a glass of water. She wishes Steve could see her right now. She’s even staying hydrated.

She texts Carol for the first time since they got here. Carol replies almost immediately, scolding Jihyo for being up so late but reassuring her that things have been fine during her and Jackson’s absence. She finishes her text with “we all miss you!” and Jihyo feels her heartwarming up again. Whatever happens, she knows she’s going to be fine.

It feels like hours have passed when she’s startled by noises coming from the main Hostel entrance. Eunha greets her warmly, looking tired but not at all angry. “Hey there, Jihyo! Did Sana give you guys any trouble?”

Jihyo shakes her head. “Uh, no, of course not. She’s just… a little upset.”

Eunha laughs. “She can be a real mean drunk, can’t she?”

(It’s the first time in Jihyo’s entire life that someone told her something about Sana that she didn’t already know).

“Yeah… She’s in my room with Jackson, it’s the second door to the right.”

“Cool! I’ll go get her.” She smiles politely. “Also, thank you guys for taking care of her. You must be a really good friend.”

“What?” Jihyo nearly chokes on her water. This girl must be some sort of angel. “I mean... thank you, for being so understanding. You’ve been nothing but nice to me since I got here, I really appreciate that. I’m glad Sana has you on her corner. Most people wouldn’t be so cool given our...you know, our history.”

The strangest look crosses Eunha’s face as she listens, but it’s gone in less than a second so Jihyo tells herself she probably just imagined it.