Growing up, Sana’s birthday was always her favourite day of the year. It wasn’t so much about the parties or the attention or even the cake, though she liked those too. There was something about Sana’s birthday that always made her extra excited, and that something was Jihyo.

Words didn’t used to be Jihyo’s strong suit, but she was always great at showing her affection through her actions, and Sana’s birthday was her time to shine. Every year, ever since they were five, she’d prepare a surprise that would put whatever extravagant gifts Sana got from her parents’ rich friends to shame.

It started out with a birthday card made in kindergarten art class that stated in colourful glitter letters that Jihyo and Sana were best friends forever. It may sound simple, but they were still learning how to spell, so she knew that even that three-word phrase must have taken Jihyo a lot of work. Young Sana was mindblown: they had known each other for a long time, but Jihyo was a very shy child who didn’t usually say stuff like that, so Sana figured that maybe Jihyo was only nice to her because their parents were friends. When she read that card, she could barely believe it, she even asked her mom to read it again just to make sure she got it right. How could a kid as cool and talented as Jihyo want to be friends with her forever? She didn’t know, but she didn’t question it either. It made her feel like she was the luckiest girl in the world.

From that day forward, it became a tradition: every year, on Sana’s birthday, Jihyo would surprise her with the greatest gift she could ever get. At age 8 it was her very first astronomy kit, and every other weekend they’d stay up late at Sana’s backyard to try and identify the constellations, even though the Seoul sky made things very difficult. At age 13 it was a dress, one of Jihyo’s very first creations, and it suited Sana better than any piece of clothing ever had. Unfortunately, Sana’s growth spurt came soon after and she was devastated that the dress no longer fit, but Jihyo turned it into an even prettier shirt and Sana wore it almost every week for the following three years.

When she was turning fifteen, for the very first time, Sana worried Jihyo might have forgotten. She was acting weird and distant the whole day, and Sana wondered if it perhaps had something to do with Nayeon. Everyone knew she had a crush on Jihyo, and they had been spending a lot of time together lately, maybe something was happening between the two of them and Jihyo wanted to avoid talking about it. Sana had told herself over and over again that it didn’t bother her, or that even if it did bother her it was just because she didn’t want to share her best friend, but deep down she knew it was about more than that. She had feelings for Jihyo, feelings that girls aren’t supposed to have for their friends.

Eventually night time came and she still hadn’t gotten so much as a happy birthday from her supposed BFF, and she was so upset she decided to confront Jihyo, to ask her why she was being so weird, to tell her that it’s okay if Nayeon is her girlfriend now but that doesn’t mean she has to ignore Sana on her own damn birthday. She would never forget what came next: the way Jihyo looked at her, small and frightened, and Sana thought she was about to cry but instead she kissed her. Just like that, out of the blue, Jihyo kissed her and nothing was ever the same. Sana learned later that Jihyo had actually been planning to do that for months, but when the day finally came she got scared that maybe Sana wouldn’t reciprocate. Nonsense. Even back then it was obvious that Sana was in love with her.

Sana thought no birthday gift could ever be as good as having her first kiss with the girl of her dreams, but Jihyo never ran out of ways to up her game. For sixteen it was a romantic date at Disneyland, seventeen was a weekend-long road trip to San Francisco just the two of them, and eighteen… Sana can’t even think about eighteen without blushing.

It was because of all that history that, when her nineteenth birthday came and Sana was in Europe, she decided to keep it to herself. She went to work as if it were any other day and didn’t tell a soul about it, not even her girlfriend, and they were already together at the time. It was her very first birthday without Jihyo and it hurt too much to celebrate. Even after everything that happened, even though she was in a different continent dating a different person, she couldn’t stop herself from hoping that maybe Jihyo would call. She felt so pathetic, desperately wishing to get 5 seconds of attention from the person who hurt her most in the world, but she couldn’t help it. No matter what happened between them, Jihyo had never missed a birthday.

(Except that time she did, and Sana cried all night).

Birthdays twenty, twenty-one and twenty-two weren’t much different. She had already decided that the best way to deal with the Jihyo situation was to not think about it altogether, but that was always more difficult on her birthday, so she avoided it too, turning off her phone, logging out all of her social media and just focusing on whatever assignments she had to do for university. One time Mina, Jeongyeon and Momo ambushed her with cake, but she went right back to her schoolwork as soon as she was done eating. Sana was not a birthday person anymore, she had accepted that.

Now, however, things are different and she has no idea of how to feel. She’s turning 23 and the memories of the past don’t hurt nearly as much anymore, but she can’t bring herself to feel the same excitement she used to feel when she was younger.

(Especially considering she knows Jihyo won’t be there).

A few months have passed since the wedding and Sana and Jihyo have facetimed every single night. Sometimes their calls could last hours, they would just lose themselves in conversation, talking about everything and nothing. Sana would tell Jihyo about her classes, Jihyo would update her on whatever was going on at the community centre that day and they’d chat until it was too late and Sana inevitably fell asleep. On some weekends they liked to watch movies together, syncing their Netflix accounts so that the film would play at the exact same time and they could give each other live commentary. Jackson often participated in these movie nights, and Sana really started to enjoy his (virtual) presence. Jackson is a good guy, and it’s nice to know that Jihyo has someone close by who can look after her if she needs it.

As for Jihyo and Sana’s relationship, it’s complicated. For all intents and purposes, they are just friends. Friends with a long history of love and heartbreak that also happened to share a quick but meaningful kiss at the airport the last time they saw each other. Mina says that they’re essentially dating long distance, and she definitely has a point. They text throughout the whole day and facetime every single night. They’re both technically free to see other people, but Sana isn’t really interested and she’s pretty sure neither is Jihyo. Sometimes, on particularly busy days when they don’t have time for a proper conversation, they call each other just to say goodnight because they like hearing each other’s voices before going to sleep. How friendly is that?

Sana can admit that their arrangement isn’t ideal, but it’s probably the healthiest option they had after Mina and Jeongyeon’s wedding. No matter how much she wished Jihyo had stayed, she can see now that she needed some time apart to fully process everything that happened that week. There was a lot of stuff from their past that she hadn’t really dealt with, and having Jihyo back in her life but still at a distance gave her the space to really heal.

And now she feels good. Really, genuinely good, and she’s ready for more, but she’s not sure if Jihyo is. She was dying to ask Jihyo to come over for her birthday, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually do it. Besides, Jihyo has some big important exam coming up soon, so she probably couldn’t come anyway. She has been spending so much time studying in the past few days Sana couldn’t blame her if she forgot about the birthday altogether.

Sana decides that this year she’s not up for some big celebration, but she also doesn’t need to ignore her birthday completely. She has lunch at her parents’ place, allowing them to give her all the pampering she’s missed out on for the past three years, stuffing her face with top-quality cake and gladly accepting the award-winning eco-friendly vehicle they got for her as a gift.

Later on the afternoon, Mina asks her to meet at that same dinner she liked, and Sana is so excited to take her new car for a test run she doesn’t even mind the long drive. She recalls that the last time she’d been to the place was when Mina told her Jihyo would be coming to the wedding. It wasn’t that long ago, but it feels like it happened in a different universe. Sana had so much stuff bottled up back then, she was telling herself and everyone else that she was fine but really she was exhausted, having to keep up that façade all the time when deep down she didn’t feel fine at all. Her life might be messier now, but it definitely feels a lot lighter.

When Sana finally gets there she notices Mina standing at the sidewalk, pacing from side to side while waiting for her impatiently, and she realizes something is probably off.

“What’s going on? Why aren’t you inside?” She asks as soon as she’s parked.

“So…” Mina starts nervously. “Remember what I said about you and I meeting for snacks, just the two of us?”

“Yes.” Sana nods, slightly annoyed at how Mina seems to be dancing around the point, not unlike the last time they came to this place.

“I might have been lying about the just the two of us part.” She breathes out. “There’s… quite a few people in there, actually, so I thought I should give you a heads up.”

“Please tell me you didn’t throw me a surprise party.” Sana pleads. She wasn’t planning on having a party. Hell, she’s not even dressed for a party. This is a disaster.

Mina looks like she’s about to say something, but they’re both distracted as the main door to the diner opens and out comes the one person Sana least expected to be seeing.

“She didn’t.” Jihyo smiles widely, and she looks so beautiful Sana is taken aback for a second. She video chats with Jihyo every single day, but she hasn’t seen her in person for months and her phone’s camera definitely doesn’t do her justice. “But I might have. Hope that’s okay.”

It’s more than okay.

“I really hope I didn’t overstep,” Jihyo asks as soon as they finally have a moment alone. Sana did look genuinely glad to see that all of her friends went there to spend her birthday with her, but Jihyo still feels insecure. She was with Mina when she called Sana to ask her to come to the diner and they both heard her specifically say she was not in the mood for parties. “It’s just that Momo mentioned to me that you didn’t celebrate your birthday anymore and I thought… I thought maybe I should to something. You know, like old times.”

“Are you kidding?” Sana’s grin is so earnest it immediately eases Jihyo’s worries. “This is perfect, Jihyo. I can’t believe you did this for me, I can’t even believe you’re actually here .”

Jihyo shrugs. “Well, you wouldn’t invite me to your birthday so I had to invite myself.”

“Oh, c’ mon! You know I always want you to come, you don’t really need to be invited.”

Jihyo did not know that, actually. She knows she and Sana have been getting closer lately, but Sana has also said that she appreciates having the space to figure out her feelings on her own, so Jihyo wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing by coming over unannounced like this. She almost gave up on the entire surprise party idea several times, but Mina kept insisting that Sana would love it and Jihyo sincerely hoped that was true. She may not know exactly what Sana wants, but she does know what she wants. She has known for a long time now.

“I’m really glad you’re enjoying your party.” She breathes out, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you this past week, it’s just that I was so nervous I was afraid you’d notice and it would ruin the surprise.”

“It’s okay, I get it. I’m just happy that you’re here.” Jihyo feels Sana’s fingers wrapping around her own and it’s such a simple gesture but it makes her heart skip a beat regardless. “How long will you be staying, by the way?”

“Just the weekend.” Jihyo’s heart sinks a little at the reminder that they once again have a ticking clock over their heads, but she tries to brush the feeling off. Right now she’s holding hands with the girl she loves and she’s gonna let herself enjoy it. “My flight is tomorrow night.”

“So soon?” Sana’s face falls for a fraction of a second, but she quickly recovers. “Are you staying at your mother’s?”

“God, no.” Jihyo nearly chokes at the suggestion. Jihyo and her mother are back on speaking terms, exchanging a phone call every now and then, but she’s definitely not ready to stay at her house anytime soon.  “I’m staying at a hotel, actually.”

“Oh, okay.” Sana seems slightly disappointed, though Jihyo isn’t sure why. “We, uh… we should probably get back to the party.”

Party is probably not even the right word to call it. Jihyo rented out the place for the afternoon, but it was still a diner, not a nightclub. There are music and nice food and a large table filled with all of their childhood best friends drinking beer and goofing around. It feels more like a family gathering than a party, and something about the look in Sana’s eyes as she joins the rest of their friends makes Jihyo sure that she made the right choice by deciding to have it here.

The rest of the afternoon goes by quickly, and soon it’s time for most people to say goodbye. Jihyo gets the feeling that they’re all just making up excuses so they can leave her alone with Sana, and she’s not sure if she’s annoyed or grateful.

“So, what are we doing next?” Sana asks the moment they’re alone, looking at Jihyo expectantly.

“Well, you’re the birthday girl so… whatever you want. Club, drinks, mini-golfing, you name it and I’ll do it.” Jihyo wants her day to be perfect so badly she’d probably agree to go skydiving if Sana asked her to, and she’s terrified of heights.

“Come home with me,” Sana replies seriously, eyeing Jihyo with such intensity it makes her feel breathless. “Forget the stupid hotel. Please. If I only have you for another 24 hours I want to make the most of them.”

“Sana, I…” She feels like she’s about to burst with anxiety, and it’s ironic because going home with Sana sounds like the best possible way to spend the night, but she’s too afraid of what the consequences would be.

Sana senses Jihyo’s uneasiness, touching her arm reassuringly. “It doesn’t have to be like that, I mean, uh… We don’t have to do anything. We can just watch a movie together without having to worry about the wifi delay for once. I can sleep on the couch.”

Jihyo looks at Sana’s big and pleading eyes and she can’t even consider saying no to that. “Okay. Let’s go to your place, then.”

Sana instantly lights up when Jihyo agrees, and it’s incredible, the way one sincere smile from that girl can just radiate enough positive energy to power up a small to the medium-sized planet. Being around Sana is like being around your own portable sun.

(Jihyo loves her so much it’s unreal).

They spend the 40-minute drive to Sana’s apartment singing along to their favourite Disney tunes as loudly and dramatically as they possibly can. When High School Musical’s Breaking Free comes up they even duet, and Jihyo’s impression of Troy Bolton has them both laughing so hard they lose track of the song. If anybody ever asks she’ll say the whole thing was Sana’s idea, but the truth is that 2000’s Disney Hits is the only playlist Jihyo has saved on her phone.

Sana’s apartment looks exactly how Jihyo imagined it would be: full of bright colours and plants, shelves filled with pictures of friends, souvenirs of trips and just trinkets in general. Most of the cramped living room space is taken up by a large yellow couch covered with non-matching throw pillows, and as she sits down Jihyo feels like the cushions are about to swallow her whole. She can’t help but notice that the place smells like cinnamon and vanilla, just like Sana’s old room used to. It’s the complete opposite of Jihyo and Jackson’s apartment. It’s perfect.

They put on Saving Face, a sweet rom-com about a shy Chinese-American lesbian and her overbearing pregnant mother that they’ve seen at least a million times but they never get tired of. Sana makes popcorn and pours them wine glasses and, though they start out sitting about a foot away from each other, halfway through the movie they’re already essentially cuddling, Sana’s head lying lazily on Jihyo’s lap, Jihyo’s fingers caressing her hair absent-mindedly.

The main character’s mother is about to marry the wrong man when Jihyo realizes Sana is watching her instead of the movie, a big awestruck grin on her lips. She looks so pretty. Why does she always look so pretty?

“You’re staring,” Jihyo whispers, moving her fingers from Sana’s scalp to her cheek. “You’re gonna miss the part where the pharmacist’s son reveals he’s the father.”

Sana bites her lip in the same way she always does whenever she’s about to say something she probably shouldn’t. “You look too cute when you’re concentrated. It’s distracting me.”

Jihyo can feel her cheeks flushing and it’s so silly. She dated that girl for years and she still blushes whenever Sana compliments her. She knows she should probably just go back to watching the movie, but the wine makes it hard for her to keep quiet. “Well, that’s no excuse. You’re here lying on my lap looking like a goddamn greek goddess and I can still manage to pay attention to the film.”

(Is this flirting? Are they flirting? Jihyo hasn’t flirted in so long she doesn’t even remember what it feels like).

Sana sits up at this, wearing a playful smirk that Jihyo hasn’t seen in years. She moves so that her face is about two inches away from Jihyo’s, looking at her right in the eyes. “Maybe I don’t want you to pay attention to the film.”

She feels Sana leaning closer and she has never wanted anything in her life as much as she wants to kiss that girl right now, but, as always, fear stops her. She finds herself pulling away, leaving Sana clearly disappointed.

“I’m sorry, Sana, I…”

“It's okay.” She squeezes Jihyo’s hand but avoids her gaze, seeming embarrassed. “I’m sorry if… I’m sorry if I crossed a line. As I said, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“What? No!” The mere thought of it is so absurd Jihyo can’t believe Sana is even saying it. In what world would be kissing Sana something Jihyo doesn’t want to do? “You didn’t do anything wrong! Or course I want to, Sana. I really, really want to. It’s just that… having you back in my life these past few months have been wonderful, and I’m afraid of ruining it by moving too fast. I put you through hell before I left, and you’ve been kind enough to give me another chance so I’m not gonna risk it by pushing you.”

Sana eyes Jihyo softly, letting go of her hand so she can cup her cheeks. “You're not pushing me, Jihyo. I was the one who tried to kiss you. I want this. You want this. What's stopping us?”

“I'm just…” Jihyo wants to cry, but she reminds herself that it's still Sana's birthday and she refuses to turn it into a sob fest, so she blinks back her tears and tries to keep her voice steady as she speaks. “I'm scared I'll mess things up and hurt you again.”

“You won't,” Sana states firmly with absolutely no hesitation. Jihyo wishes she were this confident.

“How can you know that?” Jihyo hears herself cracking, but still keeps her tears at bay.

“Jihyo, I've been talking to you every single day for months now.” The softness in Sana's smile does not waver for so much as a second, her fingers Jihyo's cheeks soothingly. "I’ve seen how much you've grown, and it never ceases to amaze me. You're not that girl from four years ago anymore, Jihyo, you've healed from her pain and you've learned from her mistakes. I trust you. Completely. We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if I didn't. So if you don't want to be with me, that's okay, but if you do… Just kiss me already. Please. I think we've waited long enough.”

Sana trusts her. Hearing that after everything that's happened feels almost too good to be true. In all honesty, when she first came back to Seoul looking to make amends, the most she was hoping for was maybe convincing Sana not to hate her. She never thought that actually regaining her trust was a real possibility. She's still not sure if she deserves it, but Sana believes in her, and Jihyo plans on spending the rest of her life making sure she never regrets it.

So she kisses her, and it's a real kiss this time, a kiss that's been four years in the making. It starts off urgent like they're both afraid it's going to end at any moment now, but it doesn't and eventually, they fall back into their usual pace. Truly kissing Sana is a billion times better than Jihyo remembers, and she remembers it as being fantastic. She tastes like wine and warm summers and Jihyo never wants to taste anything else.

Their first time in four years is a lot like their first time ever, when they were 16 years old and so in love but at the same time so insecure. Their movements begin slow, tentative, like they're constantly asking each other for permission, constantly trying to make sure they're not crossing any lines. The big difference between now and at 16 is muscle memory. As soon as they get comfortable their subconscious takes over, reminding them that no matter much they may have changed their bodies remain the same. Their fingers instinctively know where to touch, their lips know where to kiss, their hips know how to move. They fit together perfectly, just like they always have, just like they always will.

Jihyo wakes up on the next morning with her head resting on Sana’s bare chest, arms wrapped around her stomach tightly. She lets out a sleepy yawn and looks up to find that Sana is awake too, staring at her with what can only be described as heart-eyes. Her hair is messy and she looks she didn’t get much sleep, neither of them did, and she’s the single most perfect thing Jihyo has ever seen.

“Morning, beautiful,” Sana whispers, smiling down at her lazily.

Jihyo feels her heart filling up, growing so much and so fast she’s afraid it won’t fit inside her chest anymore. She wishes she could wake up like this every morning.

“I love you.” She has said this at least five times in the last few hours, but this time it feels more meaningful. “I don’t think I ever stopped.”

“And I love you, too.” Sana leans closer to plant a kiss on the top of Jihyo’s head.

Jihyo breathes in deeply, trying to inhale as much of Sana as she possibly can. Lying in bed with her like this on a Sunday morning, no responsibilities, no obligations, just them, it feels right. It feels more right than anything ever has and Jihyo doesn’t want it to stop.

“Come with me.” She doesn’t give herself time to think about it before she says it, knowing full well that if she stops to think she’ll probably stay quiet. “When you graduate, I mean. Come to Busan with me.”

“Wait…” Sana smirks and Jihyo knows she’s about to be teased. “So, last night you thought maybe it was too soon to kiss me and this morning you’re asking me to move in with you? I mean, I’ve always known I’m good in bed, but I didn’t think I was that good.”

“Shut up.” Jihyo elbows her playfully, rolling her eyes feigning annoyance. “I meant what I said last night about not wanting to rush you, so there’s no pressure on you to say yes. If you’re not ready, it’s fine by me. We can do long distance for a year, five years, ten years, I don’t care, I’ll wait as long as you want, but I want you to know that I’m all in, Sana. You’re the love of my life. If you need time, I’ll give it to you, but if you’re ready, I’m ready. So, what do you say?”  

Sana doesn’t say anything at first, leaning in to give Jihyo a kiss so deep it leaves her gasping for breath. She thinks they’re about to have again when Sana suddenly stops them, pulling away to look at Jihyo with those big hazel eyes of hers filled with pure delight, the grin on her lips beaming with joy. “Of course I’ll come with you, you dummy. I was beginning to worry you’d never ask.”

Later that night, when Sana drives Jihyo to the airport and it’s time for her to leave for her flight, they don’t cry. Instead, they hug each other tightly, exchanging soft kisses and I love yous until the intercom gives the last call. They both know it’s not really goodbye this time, it is just a see you soon. As Jihyo walks away, she’s wearing the biggest smile on her face, and it’s still there when her plane lands in Busan. Nothing in the world can ever take it away.

(Jihyo and Sana’s happy ending doesn’t come easy. It takes effort, it takes time, it takes patience, and the journey is definitely not perfect, but it’s worth it).