“Where’s Lisa?”

I opened my eyes when I heard the faint voices outside my room and when I heard my name being mentioned by the person that I cherished the most. After the talk with Jisoo, she told me to go in to my room to rest while she waited for the other girls to arrive. I wanted to take a nap, but I couldn’t because of the thoughts that are battling inside my mind. Every part of me is exhausted, but my heart refused to let me take a rest because of the numbness that it felt. 

The door in my room suddenly creaked open and closed that causes me to shut my eyes again, pretending to be asleep. I listened to the careful footsteps that are slowly getting louder, as the person who entered my room is carefully making her way towards my bed. She couldn’t see me because my back is facing the door, making it easy for me to cover my act. 

It was already 7PM, too early to be in a deep slumber, but I don’t care. I’m just too tired and too nervous to face my girlfriend right now. I tried to steady my breathing as I felt the other side of my bed dipped because of the sudden weight that occupied it. Her sweet scent invaded my senses making my mind frenzy for a little while until I was able to silently calm my nerves.

A sigh.

“Lisa-ya...”

Jennie muttered under her breath, without any intention to wake me up. My heartbeat picked up its pace after hearing my name from my girlfriend’s mouth. I’m afraid to admit it, but her voice, especially when she’s saying my name, is still the most beautiful sound that I’ve ever heard in my whole life. 

“I’m really confused Lis. I don’t know what happened between us. What I did wrong.”

My heart cracked when I heard the sadness in her voice. I can feel her soft hand started to my hair in a very soothing way, letting her fingers tangled along the tips of my tresses.

“I love you. I love you so much, my love. But-“

Her voice cracked, and I squeezed my eyes tighter, my hand under my pillow started to grip the bed sheet as I’m trying to control the excruciating pain that was engulfing my heart and the warmth that was threatening to fall from my eyes. I can hear her taking a deep breath, composing herself, before she continued speaking.

“B-but, I’m willing to do whatever you want. Whatever that will make you h-happy, again. I love you too much, that, I-I’m willing to l-let you go. Even though it will hurt me so bad. Just tell me the words. And I will do it, Lis.”

My breath hitched. I couldn’t control the liquids that were seeping through my lids, and I let it go. But despite the uncontrollable tears and pain, I still remain motionless, pretending to be in a deep slumber, until i can feel Jennie’s breath became closer to my ear. 

“Iloveyou.”

She whispered for the last time and kissed the side of my head before her presence started to disappear from my bed, from my room. As soon as I heard the closing of my door, I opened my eyes and cried hard, silently. I hit my chest because of the pain, and my mind started to wander again. About the things that Jennie said. The things that we did. Our promises. Wondering where did we go wrong, that I have to feel this. What should be the reason of these doubts that I have? What did Jennie do, to deserve all this pain from me? Why am I hurting her? Just, why?

—————

“Good morning.”

I greeted Chaeyoung who was sitting on the stool beside the counter in the kitchen, waiting for her toasts, as I walked towards the fridge.

“Morning.”

Her voice was clipped. And my brows furrowed because of the sudden coldness that I received early in the morning. I closed the refrigerator after I got my chocolate milk and looked at my best friend, who was now staring at me, with a straight face. I return the stare and did not utter a word for a few seconds until I finally gave up, really not in the mood to have a staring contest with the blonde.

“What now, chaeyoung?”

I rolled my eyes, turned my back to her while grabbing a glass, and started to pour my favorite drink into it.

“You’re hurting her.”

I halted my action for a moment when a shiver ran up my spine after hearing the venom from her voice, and at the same time, hearing that statement out loud, that I’m hurting Jennie, was a very painful blow. The chime of the toaster echoed around the kitchen and I put down the chocolate milk that I was holding next to the glass that I was filling with it. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a moment, and face my supposedly “bestfriend” again. But before I can answer her, she suddenly stood up and turned her back to me, putting the toasts in her plate. 

“I’m going to give this to Jennie-unnie.”

She said, her tone was still cold as an ice, while picking up the plate and the jam from the counter and started to walked away from the kitchen. But before she could fully get away from the room, I took a step forward and called out to her.

“Chaeng. Let me explain.”

I spoke softly, begging for my bestfriend to understand me. She stopped her movement and I can see her shoulder slumping before she turned to face me again.

“Look, I really don’t know what happened between you two, Lisa. But it was clear to me that you two are hurting. Especially Jennie-unnie. I know it is none of my business. That’s why I’ve been keeping my mouth shut for the past few weeks when I noticed the changes between you two. But I think,”

She sighed and closed her eyes for a few seconds, and opened it again, and this time, I can see the mixture of disappointment, hurt, and sympathy that her eyes portray while looking at me.

“But I think, it will become my business once one of my bestfriends, my unnies, breakdown in the middle of the night, trembling because of the pain, because of the confusion that she felt. Telling me that she feels like drowning, dying, begging me for answers, because she doesn’t know what to do when her relationship with the one she loves, is failing right in front of her eyes. It was the first time that I’ve seen her that way, she’s a mess, she’s in a really great pain. And it also became my business especially because, you are the reason why she’s like that. You, who is also, one of my bestfriends.”

I looked down. Tears started to form in my eyes again. I feel ashamed, hurt and guilty. Not only did I hurt Jennie, but I also hurt and disappointed my bestfriend.

“Do me a favor Lisa.”

I looked up again at Rosè and I saw that she switched into the caring Chaeyoung that I know. 

“Figure your out before it will totally ruin you and Jennie.”

———

Every relationships have their own struggles and conflicts. It was either caused by one party, both parties, or sometimes, even a third party. Wouldn’t it be easier for me to figure out what I really feel if there was a third party? In that way, I will know right away that I don’t feel what I felt before anymore for Jennie because there was already someone who owns my heart. I don’t need to explain anymore and blame anyone but myself, because I fell in love with somebody else. But, that’s not the case. There is no third party, I am faithful to Jennie, and she is to me. She was my everything, and I am her everything. I once believed, still believe, that she was the love of my life. What I had for her, was real. The greatest thing that I’ve ever felt for someone. So what’s really the problem why am I feeling this way? 

“You’ve been drinking.”

I snapped out from my thoughts and looked at the person who just arrived in the dorm, I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not hear the closing of our door. 

Jennie was staring at the beer bottle in my hand. I was surprised that she was already home, wearing a casual attire and still with her make up on that makes her even more gorgeous than she already is. She used to text me to notify me that she was on her way home. This was the first time that she did not inform me. And that was actually what I’ve been doing while drinking for an hour,  I was just staring at my phone, waiting for her message to tell me that she’s coming home.

I took a sip from the bottle in my hand and put it on the glass table in front of me before getting up, stumbling on the 2 empty bottles on the floor.

“Oopsss.” I giggled while balancing myself. It was clear that I was already affected by the alcohol that I consumed. I heard Jennie sighed. 

“Lisa. Why are you drinking?”

I looked up at my beautiful girlfriend who took a step forward, I can see the struggle on her eyes, maybe she’s trying to decide if she would take the risk of getting near me again and be hurt because of my cold shoulders, or just stay away from me to lessen the pain that she’s feeling. 

Instead of answering her, I walked towards her unsteadily while she remain still on her position. When she was an arm away from me, I immediately attached myself onto her and engulfed her in a very tight embrace. Maybe it was the liquor courage that made me do it, but heck, I don’t care anymore because having her in my arms again right now really feels right despite the doubts that I have between us for the past few weeks. 

With my arms around her waist and my chin resting on her shoulder, I smelled the familiar and my favorite scent in this world, and that triggers the tears that were threatening to fall a few moments ago when I heard her voice. 

You love her.

Yes, I do. I still do.

Then why? Why leave her?

Because it’s for the best. It’s for her happiness.

But you are her happiness.

I am. For now. 

My battling thoughts were interrupted by a sudden sob that I heard from her. I can feel her arms wrapped around me too, hugging me back with the same intensity. We’re both crying now, I can feel that she feels it too, the near end of our relationship.

“D-don’t please. Lisa, please.”

I bit my lips hard. Hearing her beg for me to stay is the most painful thing that I’ve ever heard in my whole life.

“I’m sorry.” 

I whispered shakily. I tightened my arms around her when she was about to push me away. 

“No. Please, look at me.”

She was now struggling, trying to push me, to take my arms away from her and look at me. But I didn’t budge. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to say the things that I want to say to her if I will look at her in the eyes. Thus, I did not let go.

“I love you.”

I whispered again with more tears that are falling down my face. I can feel that she already gave up on trying to push me, her body was tensed for a moment, and the it went weak after she heard me. She just let her arms fell limply beside her, but I can still hear her breathing very hard. She’s tired. And that’s because of me.

We just stood there in the middle of the living room motionless, with our hearts beating loudly because of the pain, and with the sound of our sobs filling the room. After a while that feels like an eternity of hugging, I slowly pushed my self away from her, but with my hands gripping her arms. 

I took a deep breath and look at her, and that was when my heart broke into a million pieces. Even though she was looking down, I can still see her eyes which are staring blankly at the floor, her lips trembling while letting out a sob or two every now and then, and her cheeks, they were filled with her tears. She was broken. I. Broke. Her.

I slid my hands down from her arms, and held her hands. At that moment, there are no words that are needed in order for us to understand what is happening between us right now. We both knew, that this is the end. The end of our wonderful love, our wonderful journey together as Jennie and Lalisa. It was true that what we had was real. But reality does not always mean a happy ending.

And slowly, I slipped my hands away from hers, hearing her breathing hitched as I do so. Her sobs were getting louder, but she did not do anything to stop me for not holding her hands. She just, painfully, let me go. 

“I will now let you go.”