R e c o r d s; C h a p 7

"I love you, I love you so much."

Page 801 to 309

Just above the skies where the clouds reside peacefully and heaven looks so near you can just reach out knock on its doors. How I longed for that one to be easy because if it was I would go and surf the clouds so that I can be with you again.  

Needing air every morning just to breathe is hard, there were no medical explanations that I need to go through because I know that I always have needed you until the day I won’t anymore. Several things that I had a problem with is flying, hearing your voice, reading the work you put out. It is apparently a lot but you left me with so much that my poor little heart could only bear to cradle your memories inside my back pocket.

I pressed the voice recorder, and the looped recording buzzed inside my headphones and there I found peace and then there was you. Only you. My heart was separated from my body that moment I pressed play, my soul was gliding in the clouds wherein I last saw you. Your voice hid me in your wings, I knocked on the solitary door to heaven. Hearing my heart crack, hearing my breathing stop.

And then there is only black. There is pain, so much pressure, I can’t breathe. I want to hold your hand, help me, don’t let me go. Stay with me.

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“I’m fine Dad. I just needed to go to this rest stop..” I heard the volume of my voice sinking deeper into the lowness of my sadness.  

My dad hugged me into his arms but it never felt like yours, but I cried hard on his shoulders because all I know is that I would never feel the comfort of yours anymore. It crippled me yes it did. So much more than I could imagine, the pain I mean. But I am here, maybe because there were several things that I needed to do.

“Why do you want to go there if I may ask?”

“The hotdog there is awesome.”

“Okay.” I know he does not believe me though.

______

I ordered two hotdogs and sat at the same table I went with her. The vast land has several cows grazing in the meadow, so much had changed. In this place, to me, and to the beating of my heart which is pacing in a normal way. Compared to the speed it had before the last time, surely it holds so many differences.

“Do you think in the future we would be here eating hotdogs and such with love hovering just right above us?

It is such a pathetic question to ask, at that time I was not really aware of the terrifying thing that is the future. I’ve always lived in the moment, I never said goodbye to spring because I know it’ll come back. I never said I love you enough because I always think that every morning will give me another chance to say it to you and for you to say it back. Yet I was fully wrong because the spring ended without you, there were days and mornings rather when I would say I love you and the silence will say it back. Never your voice, never you.

I am here, eating the hotdogs that you love. With all of my heart, I see us as two beautiful birds that sing the same song over and over again, sing with me again and we will glide the clouds again.

There is that different breeze again, I remember you. I feel you. Alright, I’ll go.

________

“You sure you won’t have the strawberry?” I hear Seohyun’s voice and I woke up from my trance. I was staring hard on the space in front of me where she would usually sit and nibble on her fork.
“Blueberry only.” I smiled a little.

“Leo called, the boat is ready. You can take route 56 for the fastest route to the pier. I mean if you have things left to do, please tell me. I’ll gladly help.” The soft smile warmed my heart and the hug that I gave her was genuine.

“Tiffany, if you need a shoulder to cry on…We are all here.”

I left the Seos with some of the weight in my heart lifted, holding Taeyeon’s favorite blueberry pie in my hands. I think I have a place in mind where I can eat this one. She never liked strawberry pies, but she ate in any way when the first time we had dined in Seos just because she doesn’t want to disappoint me.

I felt like crying again. But I will look like a freaking idiot.  

  ___________

The way towards the secluded patch of land by the lake where we would watch the lanterns go up in the sky every year was unfamiliar. My car stopped and I parked it beside the narrow way towards Taeyeon’s secret sanctuary, or ours. Just so I had enough energy in me I packed some tea in my thermos and hiked my way through even though I have some few cuts left in my ankle, I still went on.

I saw her tiny reading chair beside the shade of the tree, the blankets that are folded on the trunk. I would always find her here, sleeping or making a few drafts on the book that she is making. We would always put up tents here together with Yuri and Jessica, sometimes Sooyoung and Yoona. My eyes are starting to get watery again as I saw an animated haze of Taeyeon smiling at me, urging me to come and take a peek at some pages in her book. But when I wipe those tears away she was gone again.

“I know you will be here.” I turned around to find Jessica crying. How pitiful must I have looked?

“Came here to eat some pies. Want one?” I sat on the ground while keeping my head low. As I cut the pies and put some of it on a paper plate, I hear my heart crashing again.

Jessica laughs, “Strawberry again? Bet Seo is angry you eat it every day.”

“No. It is blueberry.”

“Tiffany you know we are here right?”

“Of course Jess. But you know what hurts me the most?” I fear that from the constant crying that I’ve been doing, I would be the new source for a dam or something. But Jessica wouldn’t be my best friend if I won’t let out my feelings. This is suffocating me. Hurting me so much. Retching my heart away.

“You are here but she isn’t.” Jessica hugs me as the last shred of the pie was thrown into the lake.

“Jessica help me make it stop. I can’t...I can’t live without Taeyeon Jess...No...Come back...Jess, I can’t..” I was sobbing in Jessica’s arms and she was too. 

When that plane crashed and Taeyeon offered herself to keep me safe until it fell to the ground, she never let go of my hand. The lights of her eyes were afraid but it sparked so much love that I only hugged her back. I was repeating my prayers over and over again in my head, in my trembling mouth and each kisses that I had given Taeyeon on the duration of panic and screaming.