"And I guess I'll just begin again
 You say can we still be friends?"
                             "Ready To Start" Arcade Fire
 

Thursday morning found Taeyong in an irritable mood. He’d slept poorly (an after effect of his Wednesday night therapy sessions) and had argued with his grandmother before leaving. He’d just suffered through history (his least favourite subject) and was on his way to his other least favourite class—chemistry.

He actually loved chemistry as a subject. There was something about breaking things down into base ingredients and learning how they all functioned together in different ways that was soothing to his brain. Maybe it was just because things like chemistry served as proof that with the necessary components, known reactions always happened. Like being gay. Chemical reactions were never a choice. They happened by design.

The thing he hated about chemistry class wasn’t the class itself—it was his lab partner.

Hanbin.

He’d calmly asked their teacher, Mr. Kang, if he could switch partners after that first lab. Unfortunately for him, Mr. Kang had disagreed with his request and instead had now taken it upon himself to try and help them become friends. Which would never happen. Especially not after the bull Hanbin had pulled a few days ago. Taeyong was still bothered about it, and had decided to finally approach Woosung about it when they hung out later that night. He’d given himself a few days to gather his thoughts.

But first he’d have to sit through a lab next to Hanbin, and he wondered if Hanbin would ask him about what he’d done last night that had kept him from basketball practice. It would be just like him, trying to weasel the information out of him again.

Hanbin made it into class seconds before the bell rang, which annoyed Taeyong. Everything he did was irritating. He’d be annoying whether he got to class early or late. Taeyong watched him settle at the desk out of the corner of his eye, glaring at him for good measure. Mr. Kang began discussing the lab for that day, explaining what they’d be doing before setting them to work, and Taeyong half-listened while he continued being annoyed in Hanbin’s general direction.

That turned out to be a poor decision on his part.

“Gentlemen, what do I keep telling you?” Mr. Kang said with an annoyingly cheery lilt to his voice, approaching their desk with a smile, “there’s no room for bad blood in chemistry!”

Taeyong groaned at the comment, knowing where this was going. He turned his attention to their teacher, who was looking far too happy for mid-morning on a Thursday. But he glanced at Hanbin again, seeing that his partner at least looked just as annoyed as he felt.

“I think you need to take all those issues that exist between you and barium!” Mr. Kang joked, laughing to himself. Taeyong couldn’t stop himself from turning to Hanbin, who’d turned to him at the same time, both of them wearing twin expressions of sheer exasperation. Donghyuk snickered from the table next to them, which made Hanbin that much more annoyed.

“Hanbin, did I tell you I have a new dog?” Mr. Kang asked, grinning at him.

Hanbin sighed before replying. “No sir, you didn’t.”

“Ask me what breed he is.” Mr. Kang demanded, leaning forward on the table.

Hanbin tried to keep his expression as calm as possible while he played into the teacher’s question. “What breed is he, sir?”

“He’s a laboratory retriever!” Mr. Kang laughed again, and Hanbin looked back at Taeyong, who shook his head in mutual contempt.

“Taeyong! Do you know why chemists like nitrates so much?” Mr. Kang asked, turning to grin at Taeyong, who bit the inside of his cheek to keep from making an annoyed retort.

“No sir, I do not.”

“Because they’re cheaper than day rates!”

Taeyong closed his eyes and clenched his fists under the table. “Sir, please, can we work?”

Mr. Kang wasn’t fazed by their cool reactions. “Oh boys I’m sorry, I can’t help but make bad chemistry jokes, because all the good ones argon!”

Donghyuk chuckled again and Hanbin actually whined. “Sir, please, can we get started?”

Mr. Kang grinned, clapping his hands together as he left the table. “You can groan all you want, but mission accomplished! You’re not glaring at each other anymore! Get to work.”

Hanbin glanced at Taeyong again and had to admit that he was right—in the face of a common enemy Taeyong had actually looked at him in commiseration instead of anger. Hanbin looked back at his textbook and tried not to smile about it. The jokes were terrible, sure, but he supposed that maybe it was worth it after all, if it got Taeyong to be less frosty towards him. It was actually a sweet gesture on Mr. Kang’s part.

Taeyong, on the other hand, was annoyed and embarrassed that they’d been bothered by him again. Their behaviour wasn’t distracting anyone, and it wasn’t affecting their work. Why was Mr. Kang sticking his nose into their business? He wasn’t in chemistry class to make friends. He just wanted to get his work done in peace and quiet.

Soon the class was filled again with chatter, and while they worked Hanbin was pleased that Taeyong wasn’t being openly hostile. He thought about Junhoe’s advice, to not be pushy. He wanted to make conversation, wanted to try and apologize for being pushy on Monday. But it was better if he said nothing instead. Taeyong would appreciate silence more than an apology.

By the time they finished they’d managed to get through their lab work perfectly, and Mr. Kang complimented their good teamwork. Not many of the others had managed to achieve the same perfect results they’d gotten, and Hanbin hoped that maybe their good results would put Taeyong in a friendlier mood.

But Taeyong was in no mood to be friendly. He quietly packed his things away when they finished, annoyed that he’d had to do the lab next to Hanbin with Mr. Kang continually watching them with a stupid smile on his face. He just wanted to get out of the class as quickly as possible. He grabbed his bag and made a bee-line for the door, not bothering to say goodbye.

“It’s like he thinks he’s being timed when the bell rings,” Donghyuk teased, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“I can’t believe he just left without even saying goodbye.” Hanbin complained, shouldering his own bag as they headed for the door.

“Just couldn’t wait to get away from you, could he?” Donghyuk said with a grin, not wanting to laugh but unable to help himself.

Hanbin knew he probably sounded petulant and whiny, but he needed to complain before they got to lunch. “How do I do this? How do I just ignore this problem we have and wait for it to resolve on its own? I can’t do it. I’m not cut out for this sort of thing.”

Donghyuk put an arm around his shoulders, mockingly comforting. “It’s a tough life, Hanbin, I feel your pain.”

“Oh shut up, don’t make fun of me, I’m being serious!”

Donghyuk tightened his arm and pulled him closer. “I know, and it’s cute. You just have to be patient, though. Taeyong doesn’t seem like someone you can rush. The more you press with him, the more he’ll retreat, right? You just have to accept that.”

“I know, I just can’t do that. Especially not if we’re lab partners! Basketball is already bad enough.” They walked into the cafeteria together, seeing Junhoe already seated at their usual table with his tray of food. They quickly got in line and joined him a minute later.

“How did it go? Didn’t blow anything up?” Junhoe teased as Hanbin sat down next to him.

“The lab went well, but Mr. Kang started it off with his worst set of jokes yet.” Hanbin whined.

Donghyuk grinned and sat across from Junhoe. “They were terrible.”

Junhoe smirked, happy to hear about Hanbin’s discomfort. “How did Taeyong react to them?”

Hanbin sighed. “I hate to admit it, but it did work. Before that Taeyong was glaring at me, but after the jokes started rolling we were a solidified team working together against a common enemy.”

Donghyuk laughed. “You know as lame as the jokes were, they were still kind of funny. I liked that argon one.”

Hanbin frowned at him. “Pretty sure you were the only one who laughed at them.”

Donghyuk stuck his tongue out. “I’m sorry you’re afraid of a good time.”

Junhoe noticed movement and looked up to see someone approaching their table. He nudged Hanbin. “Speaking of good times, Woosung’s on his way over.” Hanbin looked up then, catching sight of his ex-boyfriend approaching them.

“Hey Bin, just wanted to check and see if you were planning on coming out to Compton again this week?” Woosung asked, standing in front of Hanbin, holding his tray.

Hanbin smiled at him but shook his head. “I would, but I have boxing training Friday night, sorry! I have a tournament in two weeks, so my trainer’s on my case about practicing for it.”

Woosung’s expression dropped into one of disappointment for a brief moment before perking back up to cover it. “Oh, that . Good luck with your tournament, though! Which one is this?”

“It’s an elite level, so smaller size.” Woosung had come to many of his boxing tournaments when they’d been together, so he was familiar with the differing competitions.

“Cool, where is it? They still doing them at that same gym?”

Hanbin nodded. “Yeah, same place as when you used to come.”

Woosung smiled. “Cool, how are you doing this year?”

“Good as always. You wanna come watch me pound some guys into the ground?” Hanbin offered, figuring it was only fair, since Woosung had invited him to his rap night.

Woosung’s smile brightened up considerably. “Yeah, actually that’d be cool! I always enjoyed watching you box.”

Hanbin smiled back at him. “Awesome, I’ll text you the details! Sorry again about Friday. I’ll come out again after the tournament, cause I really enjoyed it.”

“Yeah of course! It’s every week, same place, so not hard to find.” Woosung replied, looking pleased with himself.

“Bobby said he’s probably going to go, he’s been hanging out with your friend Jiho.” Hanbin mentioned, wondering if Jiho had said anything to Woosung.

“Yeah, Jiho mentioned he was teaching Bobby some stuff, like beat production. If Jiho actually gets him to perform this week, I’ll give you my honest review since you won’t be there.” Woosung replied, winking at him.

Hanbin grinned back at him. “Brutally honest if need be!”

“Brutally honest then! Anyway I’ll see you later. Text me the info about your boxing thing, okay?”

“I will, I promise. See you!” Woosung left their table and Hanbin watched as he walked over to where Taeyong was sitting. It felt a little weird to think about Woosung wanting to come see his boxing again, but Woosung had always been fun to have around. He and Junhoe had seemed to get along better at Hanbin’s tournaments then they did at any other time.

“Damn, Hanbin, are you breaking his heart again?” Donghyuk teased.

“What?” Hanbin frowned.

“Dong’s not lying, you can see the hearts in Woosung’s eyes when he looks at you.” Junhoe joined in the teasing.

“Both of you, off. We’re just friends, okay? Stop making it into something more than it is.” Hanbin didn’t think it was a big deal, the two of them hanging out again. It was good to be on friend terms.

“Bet Woosung would love to make it into more than it is. Coming to watch you at boxing! Dropping those questions all subtle-like, thinking we wouldn’t notice.” Donghyuk replied, highly amused.

Hanbin looked at him in confusion. “What questions?”

Donghyuk gave him a look back, lik he was being purposefully dense. “Oh the whole are your tournaments still where they used to be sort of thing. Like making that connection that he used to go all the time. I’m telling you, he’s still interested in you.” Donghyuk said with a smug smile.

Hanbin sighed and picked up his chopsticks. “Well I’m not interested in this conversation.”

“No problem, Dong and I can talk about it ourselves.” Junhoe teased, much to Hanbin’s irritation. But they dropped the subject in favour of eating, at least for a few minutes.

“Junhoe I keep meaning to ask, your birthday’s coming up, right? Is there anything you want?” Donghyuk asked.

Junhoe smiled at him before looking at Hanbin. “Do you hear that, Bin? Hear how good of a friend Dong is? Asking me what I want?”

Hanbin glared back at him. “When have I ever given you a bad gift?”

Junhoe patted his leg. “Never, but I’m just saying, Dong’s super thoughtful.”

Donghyuk shook his head and kicked Junhoe under the table. “Thanks but can you answer my question? I don’t want to start some marital dispute between the two of you.”

Hanbin laughed at the comment while Junhoe rubbed his shin. “I take it back, you’re a terrible friend.”

Donghyuk grinned at him. “If you had just answered my question instead of being dramatic I wouldn’t have to resort to drastic measures.”

“Don’t hold your breath, he never knows what he wants,” Hanbin said, “we can go shopping together.”

“Put your money together and buy me something really expensive, I deserve it,” Junhoe replied.

“Okay forget shopping, I have your gift right here,” Hanbin retorted, punching his fist into his palm.

Junhoe made a face and shook his head. “Sorry bro, can’t say that I’m into , but thanks for the offer.” Junhoe grinned at Hanbin while Donghyuk laughed loudly at the retort.

“Okay now you’re really getting nothing.” Hanbin replied.

“Fine. I’ll just spend my birthday with Jinhwan, no loss.” He looked across the table at Donghyuk. “I’ll let you know where we go in case you wanna come and bring Yunhyeong. I’ll text Hanbin incorrect information.”

“We’re buying you ty presents,” Hanbin replied, elbowing Junhoe in the arm, “I’ll tell Bobby to get Jinan in on it, then you’ll really be screwed.”

“Empty threats,” Junhoe shot back, “you have too much pride to give me crappy presents. I know you too well, you don’t scare me.”
 

“You like video games? Want to go to a pc cafe?” Woosung asked, itching to play some Overwatch.

Taeyong wasn’t a huge fan of video games, but he wasn’t in the mood to do anything else. “Yeah sure, let’s go.”

“Sweet! You cool with Overwatch?”

He’d actually played that one a few times with Daehee. “Yeah, I like Overwatch.” He wasn’t great at it, but he wasn’t terrible either. They started walking to the cafe, Woosung leading the way and Taeyong following his direction.

Ever since Hanbin had blurted out what he’d said about his family situation, Taeyong had been wanting to ask Woosung about it. He’d promised not to say anything, and Taeyong had chosen to trust him. But he couldn’t help but think that Woosung must have told him. He didn’t want Hanbin knowing aspects of his personal life. Not from someone else, at least.

So Taeyong was going to get his reaction when he wasn’t expecting it. It wasn’t that he’d cut Woosung off if he’d said something, because as much as he liked to say that he was fine on his own, it was nice to have a friend. It seemed like Woosung genuinely wanted to be his friend, so if it turned out that he couldn’t trust him not to tell Hanbin his secrets, then he’d just stop telling Woosung things.

They arrived at the cafe and Woosung booked them in, then suggested they get some food while they were there. Taeyong agreed and went with his recommendations, not necessarily hungry yet but wanting to lull Woosung into a relaxed state before he sprung his question on him.

They sat down at their computers, logging in and setting up characters. The whole process reminded Taeyong of Daehee, made him wistful for that time before all of this had started. Daehee still texted him every day, though Taeyong didn’t always reply. He missed Daehee, but he was also wary of him. Daehee always seemed to be fishing for information on how things were going, asking him about his therapy and his new pastor. Taeyong could only lie so much.

It didn’t take long for their session to start up and once it did Taeyong managed to lose himself in the game, in by the need for teamwork. He didn’t have time to think about himself when he had multiple guys talking to him over their headsets, plotting their moves in the game. He was surprised that he managed to hold his own well enough, not dying. Woosung was actually quite good, and managed to take out two members of the opposing team.

They played for forty minutes, stopping only when their food came. Taeyong was actually hungry, feeling grateful that he’d just let Woosung order. The final kill in-game had been Woosung’s, and Taeyong made sure to compliment him on his superior skills. It seemed to make Woosung happy, who explained that he played the game a lot. Taeyong listened in pretended interest, just biding his time until he felt it was the right moment to spring the unexpected question on him.

The moment came when he finished his ramen, putting the bowl aside and staring straight at Woosung.

“Did you tell Hanbin what I told you about my dad?” He fixed his eyes on Woosung, whose expression immediately gave him away. Taeyong bit the inside of his cheek to keep from looking annoyed.

“I know I told you I wouldn’t, and I’m sorry.” Woosung apologized immediately, not bothering to deny it.

“Why?” Taeyong asked, curious about what he’d have to say.

Woosung held his eye contact, at least, not trying to shy away from it. “He asked me what I knew, said he wanted to understand your situation. I told him to ask you himself, but he said you wouldn’t talk to him.”

“He’s right, I wouldn’t. I don’t want him knowing my business.”

Woosung frowned. “I understand. It was rude of me to just share it with him. But at the same time, I know him, and even though you guys have a heated past, he wants to work with you now because of basketball. He means well.”

Taeyong was silent for a moment, trying to decide whether he ought to press the situation or not. On one hand, at least Woosung had been honest immediately. And it’s not like he’d gone to Hanbin. Hanbin had asked. And he’d only asked Woosung because he himself refused to tell him anything.

“Taeyong? I understand if you feel like you don’t trust me anymore, but I do think you should give him a chance. You don’t have to be friends, or anything, but just don’t be enemies.”

Taeyong shook his head. “We’ll never be friends, and honestly I don’t care if he doesn’t like me. All I care about is that he respects me.”

“That’s fair, but if you want him to respect you, then you need to respect him too.” Woosung wasn’t backing down from his opinion, and it made Taeyong feel slightly ruffled.

“When have I been disrespectful to him?”

Woosung fixed him with an incredulous look. “You’re constantly fighting with him over basketball, demanding equality that isn’t even his place to give you. Don’t fight with him, because that won’t help anything.”

Taeyong shrugged and looked away. “I don’t like feeling like he’s superior to me.”

“But there’s nothing that can be done about that. You’re coming into that team after being a heated rival. You have to remember that Hanbin worked his off to have the respect he has from those guys. A lot of them didn’t want him on the team anymore when he came out. They might not have said it to his face, but I heard about it from other people. But he kept his nose down, didn’t flaunt himself, and proved his position. Now everyone on that team practically worships him. You can’t just be put on the same pedestal because your skills match. None of the other guys will accept you without Hanbin’s consent. You’ll always be the black sheep, you have to accept that.”

Taeyong knew it was the truth, but he still didn’t like hearing it. “Well that’s my other problem. I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything. But he’s trying to be this caring and concerned guy, like all of a sudden he wants to be my friend, and I don’t need him as a friend. I just need him to let me do my thing and not get all high and mighty.”

Woosung knew it was a touchy situation, but it was still sad. The more time he spent with Taeyong, the more he could see that underneath his prickly, angry exterior, there was someone that was actually a fun person to be around. He thought that Taeyong and Hanbin would actually be good friends if the opportunity ever presented itself. “Just because someone helps you, it doesn’t mean you owe them. He’s the captain, it’s his role to help you fit in with the team.”

Taeyong shook his head, annoyed with the explanation. “I don’t care about fitting in.”

“You should. Why play a team sport if you don’t care about being a good member of the team? You should play some solo sport, like tennis or track. But you picked the team sport. So you can’t try and be an individual, it won’t work out for you.”

Taeyong’s fingers curled around his forearms, irritated with the response. He knew it stung because Woosung had a point. At the end of the day, he’d never get anywhere if he didn’t try with his new team, Hanbin included. It’s not that he wanted to hate everyone, because he didn’t. The others were just an easy outlet for his aggression, a way to wallow in his bitterness over having his entire life uprooted.

“I know it’s not fair to you to be the outsider who has to try harder, especially not in your last year. You had your own team, and I’m sure you miss them.”

Taeyong shook his head. “They can all rot in hell for all I care.”

Woosung raised his eyebrows, showing at the strong display of anger. “Well, that’s a heated statement. I thought you were still friends?”

Taeyong crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair. “Not really. There’s one I still talk to, but even that’s strained.”

Woosung wasn’t sure if now was the right time to push, but he was so curious and even though he’d just breached Taeyong’s trust, he was still compelled to offer his ear. “What happened? I know it’s a touchy subject, and I’ve tried not to ask about it. But if it was just your dad you were fighting, that’s one thing. But when you tell me that your old teammates hate you too, what am I supposed to think?”

Taeyong bristled at the question, momentarily panicked that he’d said too much. “Think whatever you want to think.”

Woosung paused for a moment, debating if now was the time to ask. But if not now, then when? “I think you’re gay.”

Taeyong froze at the statement. He’d been expecting it one of these days, had been wondering how long it would take for Woosung to label it. He wasn’t sure how to respond. He half wanted to tell him, and half didn’t. But it wasn’t something he could easily keep hiding.

Woosung didn’t want to risk his friendship, but at the same time he felt like this would only make them closer, wouldn’t it? “Can you just admit it to me? I won’t tell Hanbin, I promise. This is different than your living arrangements.” 

Taeyong refused to look at him, annoyed at him for bringing it up. He couldn’t believe he’d let Woosung flip everything around on him!

Woosung carried on when it didn’t seem like Taeyong was going to deny it right away. “When you kept hanging out with me after I told you who I was, I started wondering then if you were gay too. Otherwise why would you be friends with me? You could go find more popular guys. I think you want me as a friend because you knew I wouldn’t turn on you after finding out.”

Taeyong had to fight down the urge to flee. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and he hated himself for it. He wasn’t that damn weak. He blinked them back and still couldn’t bring himself to look at Woosung.

“Dude, if you don’t say anything I’m just going to take that to mean you’re gay. If you don’t want to talk about it, cool but if you do, well, I’m here. Don’t just keep that to yourself.”

Taeyong didn’t want to tell him, but he knew that he also couldn’t hide it either. He’d slip eventually, or Woosung would find some way to weasel it out of him. “I’m fine, okay? I don’t need to talk about . But to answer your question, yes. I am. That’s why my dad kicked me out, and that’s why everyone I knew hates me now.”

Woosung wasn’t sure what to say. He was grateful that Taeyong had told him, but now that he knew… It was tough to think of the right thing to say. While his family weren’t keen on him being gay, they’d never turn on him for it. His mother had cried, sure, and his dad was still awkward to him sometimes, but they still cared about him and defended him when needed.

But Taeyong’s parents had thrown him out, and his old friends had him. Woosung couldn’t help but feel protective of him.

Taeyong took a sip of his drink, finally feeling like he had a hold on himself now. He wasn’t on the verge of crying anymore, at least, and now he didn’t have to hide it from Woosung. He wasn’t sure why he’d broken down and trusted him a second time, but he hoped Woosung wouldn’t him over.

“Well, now you know. Don’t tell anyone this time.”

“I won’t, I promise.” Woosung intended to keep his promise, no matter how many times Hanbin looked at him with his best puppy dog eyes.

Taeyong nodded, still surprised at his decision. “Good. So, you want to get back to Overwatch?”

Woosung was taken aback by the sudden shift, but he wouldn’t press him about it. Taeyong had trusted him a second time. Woosung wouldn’t break it.

“Yeah, let’s go wreck some straight dudes.”