15 April

To my sweet Jun

Things have changed.

Remember when we were twelve and you got mad and pushed me off my bike and I cried? You felt bad and promised me you would never hurt me again.

A lie.

I know it's not on purpose. But you're hurting me. Or am I hurting myself?

You like her. She likes you. You're with her a lot. You're with me hardly ever. You don't call to see if I want pasta for dinner. Morning walks to class with coffee have faded with the cherry blossoms.

Their branches are bare and so are mine.

I feel so bare. I'm exhausted. I miss you. I miss us.

You're always out. When you're home with her I go out.

You ask me why I don't like her. I say I do. It's a lie. You know it's a lie. The only lie you can see through.

It's not her it's me.

I don't know what I would do without Mingyu. He lets me knock on his door at 11pm when you come home with her and forget I'm just on the other side of the wall.

The hardest part is knowing it's over. She has taken my place at your side.

I pour my emotions into dance and my teacher is the only one not worried about me. She praises my creativity. I want to scream at her that it's not creativity. It's pain.

You're out. I eat alone. It's tasteless. I would give anything for your pasta with mushrooms.

Always yours

Minghao x

18 April

Dear Jun

She spends the night in your room again.

I run to Mingyu's again.

I can't stand it. It's like a mirage in the desert. What I want is right in front of me. The reality I want is someone else's reality.

My reality is now regular midnight walks across the campus to Mingyu's spare room.

He wants me to tell you how I feel. He says you're worried about me. He says everyone's worried about me. I swear him to secrecy. He promises. I hope it's not a lie.

I have to find a new coffee shop. She has stolen my place, sitting at a little table in the corner, watching you work.

As the weather gets warmer my heart gets colder.

I'm so bare. So drained. My wounds are open and your smile is salt. I know it's good for me but it still stings.

I want to take you to the beach. I imagine a long walk in the sand with out shoes off. Sun and then a swim and then a sleep.

I imagine laying in the sand still warm from the day and looking up at the stars with you next to me.

You would hate a day like this. But in my alternate reality you love me so you lie and pretend you had the best day ever.

Instead I go without you. I go alone.

Always yours

Minghao x

25 April

Dear Jun

Her nights in your room are becoming more common. My nights crying in Mingyu's spare room are becoming more common.

I've had enough. This has to stop.

I don't know how to tell you but I'm moving out.

You come home to find me packing. You're confused. I don't blame you.

I tell you Mingyu's lonely. I tell you it will give you more space and time with her. Lies. You swallow them whole.

You say I'm a good friend to Mingyu. It's actually Mingyu who's the good friend. Mingyu would never fall in love with his friend. I'm such a bad friend.

Mingyu is a good friend. He holds me while I cry for hours. Why didn't you try to stop me? Why didn't you beg me to stay?

When we were 14 I would stay at your house on Friday nights. On Saturday mornings we would eat cereal and watch cartoons and I would want to go home and you would beg me to stay. I would always give in. I would stay.

If you asked me to stay I would stay.

You don't.

Always yours

Minghao x

1 May

To my heart, my love, my Jun..

It's getting warmer. I spend more time at the beach. I'm starting to find things to fill my life that aren't you. I tell myself I'm having fun. I tell myself I'm fine.

The worst lies are the ones I tell myself.

I'm past hurt. I'm past angry. I'm past empty. Now I'm just broken. I haven't seen you since I moved out so I walk past the coffee shop and I see you in there working. I want to go in but I can't.

You're behind the counter, laughing, talking, working like nothing happened. Do you miss me? Do you even care?

Tears burn as my eyes as I walk away.

I never thought I would walk away from you.

When I get home Mingyu is there. He hugs me again. I feel so ing needy. I'm a mess. He's such a good guy.

Why couldn't I fall in love with someone more like Mingyu? I hate you.

No I don't.

I love you.

You're telling our friends you love her. You might ask her to move in with you.

She has taken my place next to you and my place is now here on the fringe of your life.

How did I fall so fast so quickly?

Always yours

Minghao x

19 May

To my sweet Jun

I've been in bed for three days. I have a cold and it's a wonderful excuse to reject the world.

I hide under a layer of blankets and self loathing. You've asked her to move in with you.

I feel like I'm dying. I tell myself it's the cold. I know it's my heart breaking.

I sleep. I sleep as much as I can. I sleep until I've slept so much that I'm too tired to function.

In my dreams you smile and I smile. We laugh. You let me play my Disney movies over and over and you cook me pasta and I don't care that it has mushrooms.

I say you look like a Disney prince and you call me your princess and you embrace me and pull me into a dance. We dance and laugh until we're breathless and you kiss me and I kiss you back.

Your hands are hungry, searching for all the places on my body that feel good. Your mouth finds all the spots that make my stomach flutter.

As I stare into your eyes I know that I will give all of myself to you. My heart, my soul, my body.

I wake up too soon.

I never want to wake up. I want to exist in my dreams.

Always yours

Minghao x