22 January

My dear Jun

It's cold. Winter seems colder here. I want to warm up so I go to the coffee shop. You're working. I wait for you to finish your shift.

Friends like you are hard to come by. We've been as close as brothers for forever. I'm not really close to anyone else. That's why this hurts so much.

We walk in the cold afternoon sun in our heavy winter coats. I carry a sweet latte and you carry a long black. The cold air makes your cheeks pink.

As a few lazy snowflakes fall you turn to me and smile and you look so beautiful. So happy. My heart skips a beat. I have never looked at you this way before.

You have no idea as you wander along. You grab my arm as we laugh. You always find my jokes so funny even if they're dumb.

This is the day my feelings change. This is the moment in time when the world stopped and I fell in love with you.

Always yours

Minghao x

31 January

My dear Jun

Classes are starting up again next week. You ask me to go shopping with you. Of course I say yes.

The mall is crowded with other students getting ready to go back to college. We're just two faces in the crowd. You help me choose a backpack. I help you choose some clothes. As I hand shirts to you in the change room and you strip off one after another in front of me I begin to feel uncomfortable. I try not to stare.

I stumble over my words and leave you with the shirts.

You ask me if I'm ok. I say yes. I lie.

I don't want to feel this way. I want you to be my friend forever. I don't want to want something more.

I lay awake for a long time. I can hear you snoring in the room next to mine. I know if I tell you, you will deny it. It would make me laugh. You always have to be perfect. And you are. To me.

Always yours

Minghao x

2 February

Dear Jun

Classes start again. I love when we have our first class together and we can walk across the campus in the early morning sun.

Snow covers the ground. It's the same colour as your newly coloured hair. You look like a Disney Prince. I feel clumsy next to you. Why do you have to be so perfect?

I'm glad you don't notice me staring at you.

As we stretch our muscles I cant take my eyes from you. When did you get so muscular? We are always together so I know you're not going to the gym.

As I watch you move across the room all I can think about was what it would feel like to hold you in my arms. I know we've hugged and cuddled before but I want to feel your body with a different intent.

I feel guilty, filled with shame, burdened by my feelings.

If you knew what I was thinking it would ruin us.

That night I want to make you smile so I cook dinner and you say you love it. All I can think is that I love you.

I fall asleep, you're only on the other side of the wall, so close yet so far away.

I press my body against the wall. It's the only way I can get closer to you.

Always yours

Minghao x

4 February

To my sweet Jun

It's Saturday and we go out with our group. Everyone's having fun. Dancing and drinking. Laughing. I drink too much too quickly. I know it is a mistake.

I see you dance with a girl. She's pretty and you look at her with desire in your eyes.

I leave early and run all the way home.

I throw up. I crawl into bed. Later I can hear you. You're not alone. She's with you.

I don't want to hear. I hide my head under the pillow. My choked back sobs drown out her giggles and I hope with everything I have that she's gone in the morning and I don't have to see her.

She is.

The next morning you ask me if I feel ok. I say yes. Another lie. My heart is slowly falling apart.

Always yours

Minghao x

14 February

To my beautiful Valentine

It's Valentine's Day.

I want to give you something but I know I can't give you what I really want.

I want to give you my heart.

I don't even see you until after dinner. I had walked home by myself, watching the cute couples holding hands, watching the last of the snow melting.

I want to melt into you.

You come in from work with red roses and laugh when you told me they were from a secret admirer. You asked me if I got any surprises. I say no.

When I was in the shower you left one of the roses on my pillow. I did get a surprise. From you. The only one who matters.

I want to die.

I cry myself to sleep.

I just want you to love me back.

Always yours

Minghao x