1 March

To my dearest Jun

Spring is finally here. Although I love winter I'm always glad to see the end of it.

We work together in dance class today. I used to love working with you. I was comfortable with your touch. Now it makes me feel empty.

I'm so empty.

You've started to notice. You ask me after dance what's wrong. How can I tell you?

How can I tell you I'm in love with my best friend when that best friend is you?

How can I ever be myself again?

I say I'm fine. It's just another lie.

Always yours

Minghao x

3 March

Dear Jun, dear sweet beautiful Jun

Today was a good day.

We had class together again. I'm getting better at pushing down my feelings. I swallow them and they sit in my stomach like concrete.

They feel better there than in my chest.

It was almost like old times. We had fun. We laughed. We got coffees and walked home. The sun was out. It made you glow. Was it the sun or your soul?

Sometimes I wish we never met. And then I wish I never thought that. I feel like it's hurting you even though you don't know. I feel like I'm hurting myself.

I think if I push through this we can go back to the way we were. The way I was. The way I want to be.

I just want you to be happy and today you're happy. So I'm happy.

You cooked dinner. It was fine. The pasta was undercooked and you always forget that I hate mushrooms. I ate it all and told you it was delicious and you rewarded my lie with a smile. I would eat it every meal just to see that smile.

Although I hate the mushrooms I love your cooking.

Always yours

Minghao x

29 March

To my darling Jun

Things are going back to normal. You've stopped asking me what's wrong. I've stopped feeling wrong.

I'm just in a vacuum of unrequited feelings.

The space around me feels like its empty when you're not near me. When you are it feels suffocating.

Is it worse to be empty? Or suffocating?

I choose suffocating as I seek out every chance to be near you.

If you're on the couch so am I.

If you go for a walk I want to come.

We shop and we walk and we laugh and when you work I sit in the coffee shop and I pretend to study.

I'm actually studying you.

Today was the first time I saw her. She smiled at you in the same way I do. I know because I know how she feels.

She orders yet another coffee. She doesn't really want it. She just wants an excuse to talk to you. I'm not the only one who lies.

Always yours

Minghao x

4 April

To my prince

I wanted us to have a Friday night like we used to. I wanted to watch the Disney movies that I love and you pretend to love even though I know you prefer action.

Instead I came home and found you getting ready.

You told me you had a date. You looked so happy. I knew who with.

Your hair is freshly dyed. Your dark roots are no longer showing.

My darkness is showing.

I hide in my room. I don't want to see her or you. I don't want you to bring her home with you.

You do.

I can hear you in there with her. I wish I was her.

Always yours

Minghao x

5 April

Dear Jun

I know she's still in there. I run.

I can't face her in our home. Drinking our coffee, using our shower, wearing your tshirt.

I don't know where to go so I walk around the park and around the city and before I know it I've walked all day. I'm cold and hungry and tired but it's still better than reality.

There's a missed call on my phone from you. The message you left asks me if I want pasta.

I want you.

I go home. You ask me where I've been. I lie.

Every lie I tell you is taking a piece of me away.

We eat the pasta. You tell me her name. I hate it but I smile. You tell me about her. I pretend to care. I do care but not about her.

You want me to meet her. I say I will. Another lie.

I'm so sick of the lies I have to tell you.

Always yours

Minghao x