Keeping secrets goes both ways; if you keep secrets, you can’t expect others not to.

I’m having bad headache because I’ve been crying everyday thinking about my money. I have been saving for months, and the amount is not little. There’s no way I would not cry about it. The book fair is just in three months to come. I already have a long list of books to buy.

And yet, I don’t have money. It’s frustrating.

“Why are you looking like that?” Chanyeol passes me a can of coke after he buys it at the vending machine. I accept it gratefully as I sit on the bench, while he stands in front of me, towering over me because he is tall like a giraffe. We are waiting for Baekhyun and Chen to finish their extra class so that we can go eat at the city. I have been spending a lot of times with the boys these lately because I am not comfortable with Bom, Minzy, Chae and Hyoni.

“Like what?” I ask lazily, sipping my coke.

“Like you’re just back from the dead.” He raises an eyebrow. “You don’t want to tell me what is wrong, but you look like you’re going to die very soon. Are you sure you’re okay alone?”

What he means is if I am okay not to share the problems with him. Chanyeol is a really considerate guy. He got everything; looks, money, and good in studies and sports too. I really envy him for having everything. The best thing about Chanyeol is he don’t pry. When I don’t want to talk about something, he would just ask if I’m okay with it, and if I say yes, he immediately drops the topic.

But you see, Yeol. It’s not like I don’t trust you. It’s just because my other friends keep their secrets to their selves, and I just want to do the same too. Blame them for making me act like this. Sorry my cutie Yeol.

“I’m already dead inside.” I say unheartedly. Ever since I’ve become aware about my surroundings, I just become annoyed with everything, and that including my life. Why am I living this way? I keep up with every sh*t that comes in my way but it’s not like anything has become better. Am I being too sensitive? Or maybe I’m at that age where I would rebel for every single thing?

Someone suddenly flicks the side of my head, and then another hand pulls my ponytail. I abruptly turn to my back to yell at who dares to touch my hair but the grins on their face calms me down.

“Don’t say that! Stop sounding like it’s the end of the world, Dara.”

Baekhyun takes a sit next to me while Chen quickly sings a song so that he can get a compliment from me for having such an angelic voice. But just as he takes a deep breath to sing the chorus, Chanyeol whacks the back of his head, earning a groan from Chen while Baekhyun snickers.

“Stop singing, could you? You annoy the hell out of me!”

“I just want to make Dara feel better!” Chen pouts cutely.

There’s only three of them because Junhong can’t join us. He has a date with Minzy. I know it from Chanyeol. I already suspect it when Minzy said she has something to do this day while her eyes glued to her phone. She still hasn’t said anything about having a boyfriend. It upsets me but it’s not like I can do anything about it. Well, we’ll be best friends together because they already know too much.

Wait, is it wrong for me to think like that?

Baekhyun’s pats on my head pull me back from my short reverie. “I don’t know what’s you’re going through but if it gets too much, do not hesitate to get us, okay?” His expression shows that he is worried, but I can only nod eagerly as I stand up and we head to the metro station to get the train to the city.

**

I whine to myself as my hands grip the piggy bank. There’s like three notes of money and some coins because I start to save again, but just how much can I get if I only got these in a span of week. I need a way. I need to get money.

Means I need to work.

I quickly pull out my planner from inside my bag pack to check my schedules. Everything about school have I jot down in it, including the schedule of my class for this year and list of homework. My class ends at four every day except for Tuesday because I have club activity. I hate it, but I need to make sure that my attendance is perfect because it will affect my result to apply for university after I finish school.

I drum my fingers onto the desk, trying to figure out if it’s okay to have a part-time job. I’m doing well for my studies, but will my family allow me? The thought of it abruptly stops my fingers from continuing to drum.

Wait, it’s not like they give a damn anyway. I usually buy my things on my own, study without asking help from my big brother because he is stupid and almost everything, I do them by myself. They won’t care. Nobody cares. I sigh, leaning to the chair as I stare to the big fan spinning at the ceiling. In this house, my room is the only one that don’t have AC. There’s one in my parents’, my brothers’ too, but not mine. I don’t mind anyway because it raises our monthly bills. Since I don’t have one, I don’t feel guilty when the bills get too much sometimes because I know I am not the one who causes it.

I decide to apply for a part-time job at the convenience store near the town of my neighborhood tomorrow.

**

“Hey.”

The unfamiliar voice, yet I know I’ve heard it somewhere, calls me. I look up from the locker and I’m meet with the thick eyebrows and always frowning boy; Kris.

Oh, it’s Kris, Chaerin’s boyfriend.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat and look back into the locker as I greet him back. I have no idea why he greets me anyway. It’s not like we are close. We have only spoken to each other once, when he asked me if I saw Chaerin last year during the first day of school. Now I realize why he asked about her that time. I was confused back then as how he knew Chae.

“Have you seen Chae?”

I have to bite my lip from chuckling. Oh my, how ironic. I’m not her bodyguard, Mr., Boyfriend, stop asking me.

“No,” is what stumbled out of my mouth. It’s not like I can say that to him, it sounds too rude. He doesn’t do anything wrong. Well, does he? I’m getting bitter and bitter these days. It’s annoying.

“Uh, um…” he sounds hesitant to talk to me. I know why it is. Some people in my batch has been saying how arrogant and piss of I always looks to them. That is why I became the target of stupid boys last year. I remember when mother scold me because how I always have this cold expression. I can’t change it, it’s hard. And there is nothing to smile for anyway.

He flinches when I close the locker with too much force.

“Um- you already know about me and Chaerin, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

I could see his eyes quivering as he stares at me, like has no idea how to handle me. He quickly averts his eyes to stare at the floor instead, hand scratching the back of his neck. I have to look up, which hurts my neck because he is too tall, just like Chanyeol. I don’t have any awful feeling for Kris. I have never saw him being irritating to other people, or trying to play with a girl, but his girlfriend makes me feel like I’m not worth it to know about their relationship.

“Nothing. See you around.” Kris throws me a smile, more like a grimace before he steps away to go to his way.

I don’t like it when I have to become careful around people, especially to human with XY chromosome. It’s tiring, but I know I have to be. I don’t trust men in my own family, so how can you expect me to trust outsiders? The only exception is my male friends, who still I am being careful with. They have an idea of how my life is to the people, but they could only make assumption because I have never told them about it. The girls were the only people I was comfortable with to share my thoughts, but maybe not anymore.

Sighing, I leave the hallway to head to my class.

**

“Why you don’t want to tell us what’s going on with you, Dara? your eyebags are now as big as Chaerin’s ego!”

I nearly slap Hyoni’s face for forcing me to tell them the truth. She kept about her boyfriend as secret anyway, so I want to do that too.

“Oh my god, Hyoni. I told you I’m in the mood to watch something that can make me cry. I’ve been watching Scarlet Heart Ryeo for the fifth time!”

“I’m sure she’s telling the truth. Remember when she got scold by Miss Inha for scribbling the possibilities of what would happen in that drama in her exam sheet? Minzy also said that drama can make you cry like crazy.”

Hearing to Bom, Hyoni ponders on her words before she also nods. But I know she is uncertain about it. I don’t care, as long as she stops asking about it. It’s hurt to not tell them about what has happened because I’ve always done that when something goes wrong at home, but maybe it’s time for me to keep it to myself now. Sometimes, I think they also have grown bored with unending drama of my family. I don’t really have interesting story to tell them. I don’t have somebody I like since I start grow wary of boys after what happen between me and Yongguk.

How I hate that dimwit. I seriously wish I have crushed his face.

Minzy cannot stop holding her phone, while Chaerin now usually goes to have her lunch with Kris. Sometimes she brings her boyfriend with her. While Hyoni, I never see her hanging out with Jiho that much, maybe because she is aware how I hate him and his friends. What the hell Hyoni see in that as*hole anyway? He doesn’t even have a look. He always has an expression like he takes drugs before he comes to school.

“Everyone is having their time of life now. It’s boring.” Bom mumbles, her hand playing her food with the chopsticks. I agree with her. I notice how we start to have our own way. Less having time together after school, even our group chat in WhatsApp is no longer on the top of the messages. It’s a little bit lonely, especially since I don’t have anyone to talk to when I am home. Chanyeol has his own circle of friends, and I don’t want to stick to him just because my own friends have grown distant.

“Want to go to the city later? I’m thinking to buy some food.” Bom asks, her eyes glimmers at her own idea. I’m touched how she always try to keep us to have time for each other, but look Bom, both of us try to keep us together, but some of us is busy keeping secrets. Not all of us are thinking the same.

The thought makes me glance to Minzy, who is still keeping mum about her relationship with Junhong.

“I pass.”

That makes Bom and Hyoni turn to me and starting to ask for reason. I don’t want to tell them that I have start to work as a cashier at the convenience store just like I planned. My part-time starts at 6. I have to go back to my neighborhood which takes fifteen minutes and then I have to take bus to the town, ten minutes tops. I don’t want to be late for my first day, and I am always punctual with the time. I hate waiting and I’m not going to do the same to other people.

“I don’t have money.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t have to buy anything. Just follow us.”

That somehow makes my blood boil. Easy for them to say that when they come from well-off family and always have the parents to turn to. I know Bom doesn’t mean harm, but it still hurts. And I just lost my money a few days ago. Talking about money is killing me. But I can’t blame her, she doesn’t know about it. I don’t tell anyone about it.

It’s my secret.

“Please, no.” I say with authority, which earn sigh from Bom, but she doesn’t say anything more. They know when I say no, that’s mean a big N O, and nobody could force me.

**

My first day at the convenience store is hectic, I might say. I thought I have to become the cashier straight away, but my manager wants me to start by arranging the sales items before starting to take care of the money at the counter. It was easy, but also tiring for a newbie like me. And it is my first time to experience working.

The sound of the censor as someone push the glass door attract my attention. I am cleaning the floor with the mop at the back when I see the familiar uniform. I stop my chore to see if it is Chanyeol or any of the boys that I know. But he’s not. I don’t know him, but I can’t forget that handsome face he got.

It’s the same boy at the metro station and the café.

I continue to watch as he walks to get a drink from inside the cooler, and that’s when I notice that I have been staring at him because he looks back at me, a confuse stare as his hand hold the holder.

I abruptly look down, continue to mop the floor. That was embarrassing Dara! I act like a creep, oh my gosh. I thought I hear a chuckle – he chuckles, so I look up to him back, but he is staring at the drinks, choosing what to buy before he finally picks a chocolate milk, and that’s when he looks back at me, again.

I don’t know why this is happening, and why am I staring back at the boy that I don’t have idea who. He doesn’t have any expression like he’s trying to flirt, he just simply staring back at me. And then as if he realizes it’s awkward or maybe rude, he politely nods at me, sending me a very small smile before he walks to the counter.

And I’m still staring at him when he glances back to check for me for the third time, and until he closes the glass door as he walks out.

Well, that was awkward.

It’s been a long time after a boy picks up my interest, but it’s not like I’m going to see him again anyway.

Or at least that’s what I thought.

**

“Why are you late?”

Seunghyun leans to the wall as he glares down at me. Did he think he’s going to scare me in that way? There’s a lot of scary things have happen to me, and a glare like that is nothing. I ignore him, kicking my shoes to the shelf and walk into the living room.

“Oi, Dara! I’m asking you why you are late?” Seunghyun strikes the same question, earning attention from my dad who are watching tv and my mother and Sanghyun as they peek from the kitchen. I look down to my watch, it’s only ten in the evening. I’m sure they just finish eating dinner. I don’t mind because I always prefer to eat before or after the four of them finish eating. It irks me to eat with the family that don’t really try to know me better. They always ask about our day, especially Sanghyun, but I have never told them what’s going on in my daily life. I’m not comfortable although there is time where I wish someone would ask if I’m doing okay. But Sanghyun has always be my parents’ priority. He doesn’t even go to school, so why bother asking him about his activity?

Oh wait, nobody knows about it until they receive the warning letter. And he still keeps skipping school until today. But I’m not going to tell mother again, in case she would not believe me. Let’s just wait until the second warning letter from Sanghyun’s principal to come.

But what annoy me the most right now is how Seunghyun acts like I just did something really, really wrong. Like I just have did vandalism at school’s property just like he did, a few years ago. It’s only ten, and my brothers sometimes come home later than me, sometimes three or four in the morning, but why nobody ever ask about it? Why he’s questioning me just because I come home at ten?

They have done worst. And my dad doesn’t even come home sometimes. So, where’s the wrong that I’ve done?

“Because I’m not early?” I give him my remark in questionable tone. More like trying to mock him. It’s my talent. Giving sarcasm is something that I’m best at.

“Sandara.” My dad calls my name, which earns a raise eyebrow from me.

“What?”

“Why are you late?” Seunghyun asks again. I furrow my eyebrows. Why do you care, big bro?

“Because I want to. Why? Am I burdening you for coming home late?”

Everyone goes silent as they hear my answer and my questions. I know my family really dislike it when I start to talk like that. It sounds really rude, but it’s really rare for me to talk to my family, so I don’t give a damn. But every time after I do that, I would feel guilty. Because I wasn’t taught to be rude. My grandfather always told me to speak politely.

“Dara, just answer him.” Mother interjects. I roll my eyes.

“Why would I? Nobody ask him when he come home at six in the morning,” I pointed to Seunghyun, and then I turn to Sanghyun next to my mother, “and nobody ask him why he got that warning letter from his school. Why you suddenly want to know about me?”

“Why are you so rude? Did our dad teach you like this?” Seunghyun’s voice raise this time. I can see his veins pops out on his neck for trying to suppress himself from shouting.

“Dad? No. He taught us to lie, a lot. Why do you ask?”

Before my brother could dash to me, maybe to slap me, my mother speaks again. “Sandara, why are you being like this? Where did you go? You never come home this late.” I know I made my mother worry, but knowing my dad is home somehow makes me emotional and aggravated. And then Seunghyun acts like he cares about me, what a joke.

“I was busy, mom.”

“Busy for what? Are you doing something you shouldn’t?”

That accusation makes me turn back to Seunghyun. What the hell is he trying to say? I’m not like him and Sanghyun, and our father. My moral is higher than everyone in this house. I’m selfish and sometimes rude, but I know not to cross the line.

“Again, why do you care, big bro?”

This time, I really have challenged his patience. He slaps me, too strong for me to handle that I fall to the floor. My mother shrieks while my dad got up to stop Seunghyun from doing something worst. I clench my jaw, trying to prevent myself from crying.

My grandfather who I’ve grown up with, who had taken care of me, who taught and disciplined me had never slap me, no matter how wrong I was. He was always soft with his action, but very firm with his words.

And then, come the brothers that I didn’t grow up with, who never cares about my wellbeing, slapping me just because I come home later for working part-time job. Oh, right. I haven’t told them yet about it.

“Dara. Why are you late? Were you busy at school?”

I keep my mouth shut for a few minutes, before decided to just tell the truth. Seunghyun is acting like I’m doing something illegal. I’m just trying to be independent because nobody cares about me the way my grandfather did. I wish he was here. I wish.

“I’m doing part-time job. At the convenience store.”

“Huh?” I hear Sanghyun scoff. “Are you trying to be the good girl- “

I look up and throw the hardest glare I could master to him, which immediately shut him up. How dare he talk when we are not speaking about him. He should just go to his room and eat his phone.

“Why would you work? It’s not like we can’t support you.” My dad speaks, and that is where I completely lost my temper. My body is shaking with rage, and I feel like I’m really going to blow up.

“You can support me, huh? Are you kidding me, dad? When the did you support me? The last time I asked for money, I didn’t get it and I ended up photocopy my friend’s book because you didn’t give me the money!”

“Stop being rude, Dara!” Seunghyun shouts.

“Shut up, Seunghyun!” I yell at the top of my lungs. “I am here because grandpa took care of me, and that’s why I am alive! Without him, maybe I’m a beggar at the street right now!

“Support me? I have been supporting my own self with that little money that I got from mother, not you! If you can support me, can I ask for a new AC in my room, huh? Of course not, because you don’t want the bill rise! Even half of the school’s fees is paid by the scholarship that I got. Do you even know that I got scholarship?”

My throat is starting to hurt, and I’m on the verge of crying. I am hurt with what I have just said to my family. I just realize about everything after I said them out loud. There are so many things that I do by myself, and nobody is there to feel proud of me, except myself.

I don’t know what I did wrong to this family, but I don’t think I want to know. I don’t have the guts in myself to believe or even rely on them. It’s so hurt that I think my mind goes numb.

“This uniform,” I pointed my clothes on my body. “I have been wearing this since last year because you didn’t buy the new one for me.”

“But it’s still in a good condition.” Seunghyun says.

“It’s because I know I won’t get the new one that’s why I take a good care of it! When my shoes had worn out, I asked dad to buy a new one, but he kept saying later and then Chaerin gave me her shoes. Is Chaerin my father?”

Seunghyun try to touch my shoulder but I shove his hand like it’s going to burn me. There is no one here that can understand me.

“You know what? this all. It’s not going to change anything anyway.” I had never curse until I step into this house.

When I get into my room, I know that someone has broken in again. I am aware of every single thing in my room and when their position changed, I just know it. I toss my bag on the chair and quickly open my wardrobe to get my piggy bank. The clothes that I’ve fold has become a little mess, and my heart is beating too fast that it hurts. And then, again, just like what I predict, my piggy bank is empty. Anger, sadness and disappointment merge, and then everything is blur, and my eyes are wet.

I’m crying again.

I throw the piggy bank to the wall as hard as I can, screaming like a mad woman. The piggy bank shattered as soon as it hit the wall. I don’t need it when my damn money walks on their own since mother and Seunghyun said nobody in this house would steal it.

I wish Sanghyun choke in his own saliva right now.

I sit on the floor, still crying. Nothing has ever gone right for me. I just don’t know what to feel anymore. My room is dark. I don’t even switch on the light when I walk into the room. The tears keep coming out, and my lips quiver, my shoulders hitch with every sob. And yet, no one is here to pat me on my back and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I drag myself onto my bed, curling. My hand is shaking when I reach into my pocket to grab my phone.

Chanyeol don’t say anything as I burst into cries as soon as he picks up the phone.

“It’s okay,” I heard him say after five minutes keeping silent and I’m still crying. “Just cry if you are not ready to talk about it.”

The last thing I know is Chanyeol singing a lullaby and I slowly fall asleep.

**

“Do you need anything?” the boy with that innocent look and doe eyes asks with concern as he sits beside me at the stone bench, waiting for Chanyeol. I remember his name as Kyungsoo, one of Chanyeol’s bestfriends. He’s the one that fetch me when I was waiting for Yeol at the gates. Kyungsoo told me that Chanyeol is having practice for the football and wants me to wait in the school. Since it’s the all boys’ school, it is strange to see a girl in their area. Almost everyone turns and confusedly stare at me and Kyungsoo, but I’m too tired to care while Kyungsoo seems like he tries to not give a damn.

“It’s okay.” I politely turn down his offer. It’s awkward, but Kyungsoo tries his best to entertain me with questions and some little joke. He’s really polite and kind.

“Dara!”

I look up to the source and found Chanyeol running to me with Chen, Baekhyun, Junhong and another boy that I don’t really know behind him. I immediately tear up as I see my friends. I skipped school today and wait at the metro station until Chanyeol’s class is over.

Chanyeol stands in front of me, gasping for air after running. I step up to him and lean my head to his chest, sobbing silently. Nobody says anything as I cry. I could feel Chanyeol pats my head and Chen’s voice trying to calm me.

“Are you okay alone?” he asks, and I shake my head this time. It’s so tiring to bottle up alone. I’m already wounded with what the girls have done to me and then my family. It’s too much.

“I-I have a bi-big fight with my family.”

That was all that I told them, and they don’t ask anything again. I have never told them everything about my family, but they have an idea about it. They also know how I start to keep the distance from my brother after his bet with his friends. But boys don’t pry in other’s business. At least Chanyeol and the others don’t.

I sit back on the bench, Kyungsoo and Chen at my sides, while the other four boys stands and sit on the grass, looking to me. Suho, another boy behind Chanyeol’s earlier went to buy me a drink and now I’m slowly sipping it. How lucky Chanyeol for having this kind of boys around him. All of his friends are very kind. Kyungsoo and Suho seems like they are not comfortable to be here, but when Chanyeol don’t ask them to go away, I know that these boys are trustworthy. I wish they were my brothers, not Seunghyun and Sanghyun.

“You want to move out of your house? Are you really sure about that, Dara?”

Junhong asks, frowning. I know they are worried about me and it makes me happy that someone actually cares. I already told him to not tell this to Minzy, because it’s going to get more annoying and I don’t have any strength left to deal with it. If the girls know, it’s going to be more dramatic than it should be.

“Suho,” Baekhyun calls, “you live by yourself, right? Do you know any empty house in your block to be rent?”

Suho, the boy with angelic look and very fair skin looks to me and then to Baekhyun. He shakes his head, “I don’t think so. It was a luck for me to get the house there anyway. It’s really hard to search for one in my area.”

“Try asking Jiyong. He lives alone too – oh, Ji! There he is. Yah, Jiyong!” Kyungsoo stands up as he tries to attract the attention of this Jiyong boy. All of us look into the direction where Kyungsoo is looking, and I feel like my heart is going to explode when I see who it is.

It’s the same boy at the metro station, the café and convenience store.

I stare as this Jiyong and his friend walk to us. Confusion is clear on his face as he sees a girl in the center of the boys.

“Did any of you finally got a girlfriend?” his friend jokes.

Junhong slaps his shoulder, making him wince. “Shut up, Hanbin. There’s nothing to joke for.”

Jiyong stands near us, hands inside his pocket as his expression is showing he’s confused. And then his eyes stop on me, staring at me for a while before he averts his eyes to Kyungsoo.

“What is it?”

Oh wow. Not only his face is good, even his voice is amazing.

“You live alone, right? Is your neighborhood safe?”

Jiyong nodded, his lips stretch a little, smiling. His eyes look back at me before he focusses back on Kyungsoo.

“Do you know if there’s any vacancy? My friend here needs to move out.” Chanyeol speaks this time. I only look down to my shoes, shy with the attention that I got since all of them are boys. My face is pale, and my eyes are puffy for crying too much. More reason to be embarrassed.

“I’m not sure, but I think the owner next to mine is renting out her house. Would you want me to ask her?”

Baekhyun pats my shoulder. “Are you sure, Dara?”

He is questioning my decision to move out of my house. I’m afraid at the thought of living alone, but I need to do this. I cannot stand being the casted one and my money keep disappear. I nod my head.

“Well, if you say so.” Chanyeol pats my head. “Can you do that, Ji? I’ll treat you some food after the game if you help us.”

Jiyong chuckles. “You don’t have to do that but okay. I’ll ask. I will let you know after I meet the owner.”

He throws me the polite smile before he asks everyone to excuse himself. He stares at me a second longer before finally walks away with his friend.

Well, I guess, I’m going to start new.

But why is this Jiyong keep getting my attention?