When you start keeping secrets, you start creating distances.

“Ma. Have you seen my socks?”

I ask annoyedly when I reach into the kitchen. The sight of my mother and my dad make me gagged, but I try not to show it by pretending to yawn. I do not expect him to be home. It’s only been three months. Too short for him to be disappeared.

“Didn’t I just put it on your shoes yesterday?” she looks at me. Her face shows that she is happy that my dad has come back. I am always thinking why mother is happy when dad is back, but when dad is missing in action, she started to call him with names and keep saying she will kill him if he ever come home.

I don’t know if my mother is just stupid or what. Maybe stupid. Sigh. What a bad daughter I am for calling my mother like that.

“I could not find it.” I answer, my eyes trail to my dad who is drinking his favorite coffee, acting like nothing happened. He then glances at me and smile. I only furrow my eyebrows more. As I grew up, I do not really want to see my dad’s face in this house anymore. I do not hate him, but I am not comfortable with his presence although he is my dad. I have lived for eighteen years and he is still like he is. He does not change at all, and that make me disappointed. I could not find in myself to trust and respect him like any children should do to their parents.

“You’re going to school?” he asks sweetly, like he always did. Dad is a man with sweet words, and I believe that was what that make mom loves him like a stupid person.

“No. I’m going to karaoke.” I mock with a steady voice. Obviously, I am going to school because of my uniform on my body, but I prefer to be rude like that.

“Yah. Don’t be rude.” My brother, Seunghyun suddenly come into the kitchen and gently pushes me from behind. I dislike how my big brother pretends like my dad did not do what he just did these past few months. I know he is my father, but that doesn’t mean he could make this house like a freaking hotel.

“Shut up.” I hiss furiously. I wasn’t raised to be rude to anyone, but we call it defense mechanism. I will be rude to people that do not respect my feelings and my family at all. To me, my father isn’t someone I could treat like a family.

“Sandara. Here’s your socks. It’s in Sanghyun’s pile of clothes.”

That is another boy that always pisses me of with his attitude. Sanghyun is my little brother who’s one year younger than me.

“Stop stealing my damn things!” I holler madly to Sanghyun who is in his room as I take the socks from my mother. This is one of the reason I keep telling my mother not to wash my clothes. I prefer to wash it and hang them by myself so that my little brother could not take my things without my permission again.

“Sandara, stop shouting.” My dad says, making me glare at him hard. He doesn’t have any right to speak like a father after leaving us for three months. This is not the first time that he did that. I didn’t speak back like I always do because it’s a waste of my saliva. I kiss my mother’s cheek before storming out of the house.

“Don’t you want breakfast?” she asks before I could go farther from the house.

“No, mom!”

I cannot eat with that man breathing the same air as me.

**

I hate to deal with morning especially after knowing my dad is back home, again. It makes me grumpy and I can feel how dark and piss my expression is showing now because some people avoid looking into my eyes. Even the ahjumma that I always greet every morning cannot bring herself to smile this morning when she sees me although she always does. I can only bow politely to her direction. My mood is practically bad.

I hate it. I don’t want to be like this whenever I see my dad, but I cannot help it. I am always conscious and try to not be the good girl like I always am but still failed. I dislike his presence, true, but I also love him. But still, I cannot bring myself to trust him (but I still failed sometimes, which bring me to a worse heartbreak and mental breakdown)

The metro station is packed and busy as always. I grip to my bag strip as my right hand hold my metro pass to get pass the automated turnstiles that I hate the most. I don’t know why but whenever I must scan my card, my heart will beat loudly because I’m afraid that there is not enough money in the card for me to pass onto the other side of the station. It never happens, but I’m always overthink of it. I top-up my card almost every week although I know there’s still a lot amount of money in it. It is enough for a month to use to go everywhere but part of me refuse to believe it.

Paranoid, aren’t I?

Now, I’m in queue to get pass the turnstiles when two voices talking to each other in hurry attracts my attention. I look over to the guard and a male student frantically looking into his bag as they worriedly interact. I’m aware of that uniform because it’s a uniform of the boy’s school that is just a few blocks away from my school.

“I think I left it in my other jacket.” The boy says as he dejectedly zips up his bag again. The guard says something and that boy nods somberly. I assume that he left his metro card before he come here because then he solemnly looks to people walking pass the automatic gates. Poor him, that guard must have told him to buy a new one. I throw a last glance to his face (he looks good) before going on to take the train to the school.

**

It’s been like tenth time I sighed this morning, which earn a confuse stare from my best friend and desk mate; Bom. Like I said, I hate being like this, but I cannot help it. To lost trust by someone who is your family is unforgivable – at least for me.

“Dara?” Bom starts to ask as our teacher step out of our classroom. I hummed in acknowledgement, letting her know that I heard her. But when she only keeps quiet, I look up from the text book that I don’t really know what’s written on it. It’s Biology; everyone knows I hate Bio.

Bom raised her eyebrow and tilted her head, silently asking what’s wrong with me. I am thinking if I should tell her when Hyoni and Chaerin suddenly interrupts us. Again, I sigh. All of them knew me and my secrets, but there comes a time where I don’t really want to tell all of them, but still end up doing it.

Chaerin and Hyoni starts to ask about the homework when Bom tells them to keep quiet and pays her attention to me again. It looks like the other two understands her because they also stop talking about homework and waits for me to talk something.

“Dara. You have been sighing more than tenth times in this past one hour and I know you know why that is.”

Hyoni snorts when Chaerin mutters why was Bom knows how much time I’ve sighed. I grin a little before biting on my lips, still thinking if I should tell them or not.

“Dara.” Bom said again.

Well, it will feel better if someone knows my situation.

“My dad.”

“He’s back?’ Chaerin figures it out as soon as I said it. I don’t give any reaction, but they still understand me anyway. This time, they sigh, which amuse me.

“The last time he’s home was when you asked for money to buy the textbooks, and he said he would give you soon but ended up disappear.” Hyoni frowns. There’s a bitterness in her voice. All my best friends are not fond of my dad too, but they never really push it. They know a lot about my family situation. They are the only who wants to listen to me anyway. Being born as the only girl in the family has its perks. But I’m not that close to my mother either, I still feel there’s a gap between us although we are the only females in the family. I used to live with my grandfather, but he passed away, so I moved into my family’s house, which are not so far from my grandfather’s. Maybe that is why I am not that close to her.

“And you’re being thickheaded again.”

I throw a hard glare to Chaerin after she said that. I’m not being thickheaded. “I am disappointed because he lied to me, Chae. This is not the first time! Every second time I ask for money, he just poof into thin air, but then he come home acting like he did nothing wrong!” I voiced out my dissatisfaction. My mother works too, but it’s not like she gains much. There are three of us for her to support. My big brother hasn’t found any work yet while that little monkey – I mean my little brother is a spoiled brat. He keeps asking for money and lied to mother that he needs to pay for school tuition. But the truth is, he never goes to tuition after school and keeps skipping school. I told my mother this, but she did not trust me.

I have never asked money from both of my parents for the hell out of it. I only ask for books, food and things that I know is important for me and my studies. I save half of the money I got every day so that I could buy something that I think I should buy on my own. I am stingy to myself, but not to my friends and my mother – the only family member that I respect and love (although I hate the fact that she babied Sanghyun too much when he is only one year younger than me)

Feeling that the mood has dampened too much because of my outburst to Chaerin, Hyoni decides to change the topic. “Let’s hang out after school. There’s something I want to tell you all.”

“Is Minzy joining too?” Bom never forgets our friend who is in the next class. We’ve been together since we were still toddlers.

“Of course.” Hyoni smiles.

I wonder what she’s going to talk about. We can always talk during break time. I notice how Hyoni and Chaerin glancing to each other and smile secretly.

Have I told you that my friends started to hide things from me? And I tell you, I actually starting to lose my trust in them too.

**

Coincidence maybe. I am looking at the same boy who forgot his metro card this morning. Well, it’s not like our schools that far from each other. We are just a few blocks away, and to be seeing the students from that school is not strange event at all.

“Dara? What are you looking at?” Minzy taps my shoulder. I am still staring at the same boy. He is standing not too far from us, leaning to the wall as he looks to types of drink to buy. I don’t have any idea why I have never seen him before, given the fact that he is good looking and taller than me. Totally an eye candy.

“He’s handsome.” Minzy comments as she also looks to the boy. “You know him?”

I only shake my head and turn my head to the front as the person in front of us finish ordering. Minzy drops the topic as soon as we stand at the counter.

As usual, I order my favorite; brown sugar milk tea and ask for extra bubbles. Bom always complain that I never have other than that, but it is really good. Not like Bom could do anything about it anyway. I have never chosen the other flavor; brown sugar milk tea will forever be my favorite. I wonder if it will change someday.

“So, what is it that you want to tell us?” I throw the question as Minzy and I put the drinks onto the table. We choose our usual spot, near the sink because it’s a little bit hidden from people’s views. I don’t like it when we were talking, and then students from our school spot us and decided to join to sit at the same table just because we are in the same school. It happens, but I always make it obvious that I don’t like it, so it doesn’t really happen anymore.

I watch as Chaerin and Hyoni prods their straws into the drinks. They are still sharing that glance that I’ve been uncomfortable with. Bom is calm in her sit, turning the straw in her iced americano while Minzy is looking at her phone, typing something.

“Um, you see, we actually have found- “

“A boyfriend?” Minzy tries. I raise my eyebrow at her remark, but Minzy is calm as Bom, making me think if she does know something about these both girls. When I look back to Chaerin, she is blushing with Hyoni giggles giddily. Bom is smirking, and Minzy smiles.

“We know.”

Wait, what? We do?

“You do?” Hyoni asks, surprise when Minzy said that. She is not alone. I’m also as surprise as her because I obviously don’t know anything about it. I thought nobody among us have a boyfriend. I only know that Bom has been liking Luhan, our senior, since last year.

“Yeah, you said that last week. Chaerin have been with Kris for five months, well you Hyoni, with Jiho for two years.”

Five months? Two freaking years? How does I never hear about this?

I stare at my friends, laughing and teasing each other about their not so new-found boyfriend. I know I should be happy for them, but right now, I am thinking why the hell they didn’t tell me? Why wait for two years or five months to finally drop the freaking bomb? I thought we were friends? I thought friends do not keep secrets.

But I know not to say that. There is no way I could say that.

“Why are you so quiet?” Hyoni finally notices me. I guess she is aware how quiet I have been after they told us about it. “Are you angry?”

I continue to give them my blank face which make them worry. But then, I force myself to smile and then laugh. It sounds so fake to me, but the girls take a breath of relief. If only they know how hurt I am. It reminds me how my mother tried to keep it secret after giving my dad her money for him to buy a car, but then, strangers kept coming to our house because my dad didn’t finish his paid for the damn car. I was happy that we finally get something to bring us to anywhere, but my mother had to be responsible for it. Yeah, right now, it hurts like that time.

“I-I am just surprised. Why you took so long before you tell us?” or rather just me, since I am the only one that is still clueless about it.

“We were afraid that you won’t like it. I mean, you were so against having boyfriend, and you don’t like Jiho.”

Of course, I don’t like Jiho. That boy is an assh*le! Last year, he made a bet with his friends to make me as his girlfriend but I’m not stupid. I have been facing that same thing for many times. Boys and bets are the most annoying thing in the world.

Even the last boy that I liked made a bet with his friends, including my big brother, Seunghyun.

I don’t want to talk about why I hate Jiho to Hyoni. If I tell her, I don’t know what he would do to my friend. I shrug, and quickly pretend how happy I am. I am happy, but friends don’t keep secrets. I’ve told every of my secrets to them, and they know more about me than they should. So, why?

I’ve always read that to hold your feelings is better than to express, and now, I’m holding myself from asking the reasons for secrecy. But do people have any idea how hurt is it to hold it, alone? Keepings secrets from someone is no different than lying to them. It’s still dishonest, and I am hurt because they kept it secret. And Chaerin, the last time I remember is when she said she didn’t like Kris because he is too handsome. She preferred someone average. So that was a lie too?

But I guess I’m lying to my friends too, because I don’t tell them how hurt I am.

**

“I’m disappointed.”

“For?” I hear the rustle from the other side, shouting and laughing before they finally died down.

“Nothing. I’m just disappointed.” I hum unhappily, which make Chanyeol immediately shut the other boys up. Other than the girls, I have some other male friends that I am close too. You could say that I’m better with male friends than girls, because Chanyeol and the other boys always know how to handle me.

“Okay, now, tell me, what is it? You don’t feel disappointed for the hell out of it, right?”

“Chaerin is dating Kris.” I answer. There’s a pause before I heard Baekhyun answer. I guess Chanyeol is putting his phone on loud speaker.

“Wait, you don’t know about it? I thought she already told you?”

“Yes, she did, this evening. And they have been dating for two years.” I speak again, this time my voice has raised. I could hear nothing from Chanyeol’s side, making me wonder what they are thinking before something struck into my head. “What? You already know about it too?”

“No, uhm you see. We only suspected they were in relationship a year ago because Junhong said it was obvious, but we were not really sure about it since we are in different school and only met for football games. But he did tell us about it last week.”

Do you know why I prefer being friends with boys more than girls? Because they are better. If boys fight among each other, they could reconcile in a very short time. They are good listeners, treats me like a sister and don’t judge or tease me if I like someone. And less drama. It’s different when I’m with the girls. The last time Chaerin and Hyori had a misunderstanding, they took four months to settle their damn problem.

“It’s not like it’s our story to tell anyway, so I decided I’m not going to talk about it with you unless you ask first.” Chanyeol continues.

And boys don’t pry into other’s business, like girls do.

I fall into silence, not really know what to say anymore. Although Chanyeol knows about it way before I do, he also knows not to make it worse. If only I know that Chaerin and Kris has been dating because it is Chanyeol that tells me, it’ll only make me feel worst.

Chen’s cheerful voice suddenly come through the speaker. He is singing some rock song that I have been telling him to hear to. His pronunciation makes me laugh.

“Want to hang out tomorrow?” Chanyeol finally asks after he successfully makes Chen stop. I smile to myself. I know that the boys are trying to make me feel better by asking me to hang out. We don’t really do much, only fooling around in the city or they will accompany me to the bookstores although they do not like it. We are not in the same school. They are studying the all-boys school near mine, but we spend times together sometimes.

“Sure. You’ll pay for the food tomorrow, I want McDonalds.”

**

The hard thing is that even though you already caught them lying, they still make excuses to prove that their lies are true. Like how right now, Sanghyun trying to tell my mother that he goes to school but we already received a letter of warning from his principal. I sit quietly on the kitchen island, eating my cereal as I continue to hear the nonsense from the monkey.

“Mom, I did go to school!” Sanghyun pleads. He is in the verge of crying as our mother glares down to him with the letter in her hand. It’s fun to watch this happen, especially when nobody believes me when I said that Sanghyun did not go to school for these past months. Sanghyun is in the same school as Chanyeol, of course I told him to watch over this monkey’s behavior. But what there’s to watch when he does not even go to school?

“So, where’s the receipt of the books that you told me you wanted to buy? Do you even go to the tuition that you mention? Or were you lying to me too?”

It is fun, but at the same time, it’s annoying to watch my brother keeps trying to lie. I also know what will happen anyway; mother will tell him to stop doing this and go to school, and then Sanghyun will pretend like he will follow my mother’s words. Hell. It’s like a cycle. Mother knows he will not easily change but she still would end up doing that anyway. It confuses me why mother babied him too much. He is just one year younger than me, but I don’t get the same treatment.

“Have you eaten your breakfast, Dara?” she asks as I walk through the kitchen, passing both of them to leave the house for school. I nod lazily, not forgetting to throw a hard glare to Sanghyun before dashing out of the house. Just as I close the door, I see Seunghyun and his friend sitting near the garage, talking about their motorcycles that are park in our garden. Not wanting to greet them, I quickly step to the gate.

“Hi Dara.”

I could feel the irritation climbing up my neck as I clench my teeth. Just by hearing his voice, I barely shout to his face to tell him to shut up. I don’t need this kind of vibes early in the morning. Too much has happened lately, and I don’t have the mood to tolerate with more of it. Without turning to him, I greet back.

“Yeah, morning.”

“Going to school?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” I sarcastically ask back. Why bother to ask when you already know the answer, huh? He’s trying to make a conversation to me, I know, but I can’t even look at him.

“Hey, don’t be rude.” Seunghyun’s sharp voice rebukes. I snap my head to him, and there they are. Seunghyun and his best friend, Yongguk. I wonder where their other friends. There’s usually more than five of them but I don’t bother to get to know their names because I don’t have the heart to know. Especially when they were the one who made the bet on me and Yongguk. And Seunghyun, my big brother, joined it too.

Yongguk is my brother’s friend. I already knew him years ago but only came to like him when I got into high school. Yes, he was my crush that I wish I have crush his face with my hands. I remember having a bad mental breakdown when I found out that he only talks and text me every day because of the bet with his friends. They were betting if he could make me fall in love with him, which stupidly I did, and then I also found out that he actually has a girlfriend. He apologized to me. I think he was feeling guilty because when I got to know the truth, it was the same time as I lost my grandfather.

I forgave him, but apology accepted, trust denied. I just stop having any kind of communication with him. I also refused him every time he tried to help me on anything, And that was also the time when I started to grow distance with my big brother. I can’t bring myself to behave like a good sister when he has done that to me. He is my big brother, my blood related, and he supposed to protect me, but now, I am the one who need to protect myself from him. I don’t know why the men in my family is such a trash. I pity my mother. And I am afraid that I would end up having my own family with this kind of people too.

**

I can’t stop staring at Minzy as she smiles with her eyes on her phone, typing something. I know who she is texting. I also know why she is always happy when she receives a message. But what I don’t know about is the reason that she also decides to keep it secret. I’m a bit relief that nobody among the girls knows about it, but still, deep inside my heart, it feels not fair.

Because I don’t have any situation as same as them to be kept as a secret.

“Minzy, why are you grinning like that? You finally have a boyfriend too?” Bom loudly ask, earning the stares from Chaerin and Hyoni too. I am excited to see how Minzy is going to answer but she disappoints me again.

“Ah, just my big sister. She’s kind of panic because she has a date this night and she has no idea what to do.”

Lies.

I grow up to read people’s reaction, and I can see Minzy’s eyes shows that she is wavering with what she has just said. I clench my skirt so hard that I’m afraid it would tear apart because of my nails.

Remember when Chanyeol asked me to hang out? We did hang together the next day, and that was how Junhong told me that he has been dating Minzy for two weeks now. I was really surprised that I went mute for the whole time I was with the boys. Junhong kept saying sorry but I was not upset with him. It’s not his fault.

I was upset with Minzy because I am closer to her than to Junhong. I’ve known Minzy way before I know him. Why she is keeping it a secret? To keep her privacy? But there’s a different between secrecy and privacy. It’s not like we’re going to ruin her relationship with Junhong because he is my friend too, and I know how kind he is.

When I was in stupid love with Yongguk, the girls tried to know everything about us. I didn’t even try to keep it secret because they are my friends, and I want them to know that I trust them more than anyone. But now, I’m just wondering if I am not worth the truth. Is Minzy going to wait two years too like Chaerin? Am I not trustworthy?

Well, am I?

**

It’s gone.

It’s ing gone. My money that I saved in my piggy bank has gone. I’ve been saving started two months before the last year ended because I want to go this year’s book fair, and I’m pretty sure I locked my room before I left this morning.

But I’m not surprised. It has happened before. My gold earrings and bracelet that I got from my grandfather had gone too, a few months ago. Even my mother’s necklace was gone from inside her safety. Both of us know who it was, but mother kept it to herself, and she made me too.

But I am not going to keep silent this time. It’s my freaking money and I did not buy any food other than bread just to save money.

I sprint out of my room and kick the door of the room next to mine. “Where the is my money?!”

Sanghyun abruptly toss something that he is holding under the pillow, which make me more suspicious about him. There is nothing that is not suspicious about Park Sanghyun. He has a lot of good gadgets that makes me wonder where he got the money from. I know he don’t do any part time work, he doesn’t even go to school – which is supposed to be more important to him. Mother gives him enough money to spend every day, so he has not to worry about going to work part time.

“What money?” he asks back with his eyes frantically tries to avoid looking straight into mine. Sanghyun is one of the reason why I am a little bit too grumpy with people, especially with my family. He always got into trouble and I was the one who need to be responsible for every of his mischiefs. I remember that time when he found out what the lighter is used for. He started to burn every small thing in our parent’s room, which result to the burn of my mother’s most expensive wardrobe.

And I was the one who got to be hit by a broom. It’s not even my fault to begin with! The reason I got the hit because I didn’t watch over him. How could I when I was not home at that time?

“My money in my piggy bank, you monkey! There’s no way you could buy that new IPhone without money.”

His eyes trails back to where his pillow is and try to hide the phone under it. Too late. I already saw that. I march to him like a bull, and he shrieks, calling my mother. Ignoring him, I try to get the phone, but he forcedly pushes me making me trip onto the floor.

“What’s wrong? Why are you bullying your brother again, Dara?” mother appears, with Seunghyun behind her. I could feel my blood boiling when I heard her. I am not bullying anyone. I’m just trying to get back what is mine.

“He stole my money!” I point my finger to Sanghyun. Even without mirror, I already know how red my face is because of the anger. My ears are ringing, I feel like I’m going to explode anytime. If killing is not a crime, this monkey has already been killed long time ago.

“I am not!” Sanghyun retorts with that annoying innocence face that he always uses to make my mother pity him. It angers me more because both of us look alike.

“Can you explain why you have that new phone when you can’t even buy your own underwear?”

Sanghyun says that it’s from the money that he has been saving for a long time. Like I’m going to believe that. The only one who has been saving money is me. I am the only one who had never asked mother for money to buy something that is not school related.

“Dara. Stop making him the bad guy.” Seunghyun sighs while he takes a sit on the table. He is looking at me as if I am the problematic one. “You always pointing out his faults.”

“But- “

“Dara. He is your brother. There’s no way he would steal your money.” Mother tries to reassure me, but the way she is looking at me making me feels like I am the one who stole my own money. The back of my eyes is starting to burn. They’re stinging, but it’s not hurting as much as my chest is.

“Then, who stole my money? They disappeared on their own? They walk through the house to buy their selves something?” Again, my sardonic questions make their appearances again. The bitterness in my tongue is so strong. It feels like I just bite a medicine. I am so mad. I can’t control myself anymore.

The next thing I know is the stinging feels on my right cheek.

Mother had just slap me.

Everyone is silent, the only thing we can hear is the sound of Sanghyun’s AC in his room.

“Dara, maybe you just misplaced the money.” Her voice turns soft. But her voice is not enough to calm me down.

“Yeah.” I chuckle. “Or maybe Sanghyun just used it to buy his phone, or maybe dad took it again.” With teary eyes, I turn and look into my mother’s eyes. “I am not that careless to misplace my money, mom, you know it.”

I leave the room, not without slamming the door as hard as my strength could. When I got into my room, staring at my empty piggy bank on my study desk, I just noticed that my eyes are wet.

The last time I cried was when my grandfather passed away. I can’t believe I let myself cry again. I just don’t know in who I could put my trust again. Not my family, not even my friends.

Trust issues come from being ed over and over. If you have read this from the start, could you count how many times I have been ed over?

Well, could you?

Ah, my money.

First chap! I want you to see what kind of people that Dara has around her. What do you think about Dara's character?