All we really want is to be found.

It feels so good to be able jogging around the neighborhood without having someone to mock on you for trying to keep your body healthy. As stupid as it sounds, that was what I used to face whenever I go out for jog back in home. With Sanghyun hollering to me from his room window about how nerdy I am for doing that and how I should help mother making breakfast instead. Of course, I would ignore whatever he said, because in the end, helping mother making breakfast means making breakfast for him too.

I’m freaking selfish, I know. But what it makes Sanghyun then?

Even though they are family, that doesn’t mean they can treat like I am their maid. If I ever have children in the future, I will make sure everyone of them to do chores and learn life skills since they are young. I don’t want my children to think that house chores are make for women only. That also means I’m going to find a husband that is not as lazy as Sanghyun and my dad. Seunghyun is tolerable I could say. Our house compound is always clean because of him.

If I ever get married, I mean.

The morning is still too early. I know it is chilly, but I can’t feel it since my body has started to sweat. I’ve been jogging around this neighborhood for one hour, and now I’m just walking, appreciating how good it feels for not having to think about anyone else. Before, I could go three to four hours of jogging because I hate being at home. I’m grateful that I got to live here. There are a lot of facilities nearby and I don’t have any problem to go far if I want to get something.

“Is that you, Dara?”

I whip around as the voice greets me. There’s only one person that I know that lives around here. There, he is wearing a black tank top and sweatpants, a bag of waste in his left hand and a phone in others. His face beams as he realizes it is me that he called. I watch as he quickly put his phone into his pocket and steps closer to me. I notice that his hair is slightly wet, maybe he just got shower before going out.

“Keeping your body healthy?”

I chuckle at his question. I don’t know why, but the question sounds genuine and funny at the same time. It doesn’t sound like he is mocking me like Sanghyun did. It’s just him being friendly and kind.

“Yes, Jiyong.”

“Do you enjoy living around here?”

“Of course. Thank you to you though. There’s no one here would mock me for jogging.” I stop walking when I realize I just said something about my life before coming here to him.

“Mock?” He asks confusedly, frowning. “Why would someone mock you for jogging? That’s weird.”

Right. Weird and stupid. I’m glad he has the same opinion about this.

“Nothing.”

He doesn’t ask any further. We walk side by side until we arrive at the garbage dump. Although he doesn’t ask me to stay and wait for him, I still did. I crouch not too far away from him and stare as he takes out one by one plastic bottle and can from the bag and put them into the recycle bins. I can’t help but to compare him with my brothers. They would only throw the waste into the big bin without separating them by their types, while Jiyong here, taking his precious time to make sure he throws the right rubbish into the right bin.

“You’re okay now, Dara?”

The question makes me raise my eyebrow. Jiyong is still doing his chore there, not even turning to me. Unclear with his question, I ask him back.

“What are you talking about?”

He doesn’t answer me back. I wait until he finishes doing whatever he’s doing. Jiyong folds the bag and put it under his hand and then he walks back to me. I only stare back at him, silently demanding him the answer. There’s concern in his eyes as he looks down to me who is still crouching, looking up to get a better look at his face.

“I just want to make sure that you are okay after last night. Chanyeol texted me this early in the morning asking that he couldn’t reach your phone.”

After talking with Jiyong last night, I decided to switch off my phone so I would stop overthinking about no one asking for me. I put my phone in the room and sleep on the couch at the living room after watching a movie last night. It actually feels great not having phone with me 24/7.

“Tell him I’m okay. I switch off my phone last night to stop torturing myself.”

Again, I slipped something that I shouldn’t to him. Jiyong only tilts his head, but still doesn’t ask anything about it. He takes out his phone and types something on the screen before putting it back into his pocket. He reaches out his hand to me, which I only gaze at his palm, not sure if I should take it.

“I guess you don’t touch anyone that you don’t trust?”

He is about to take back his hand, but I quickly grip it. His eyes glaze over me, with a tint of amusement before he pulls me up and steadied me on my feet. We end up standing too close to each other that I can smell his shampoo and after shave.

That was the weirdest interaction I ever had with a boy.

**

There’s only two weeks before the book fair starts. I look back at the book list that I wrote in my planner. Ten books that I plan to buy but I guess I should only buy five or six. I’m afraid that there will be not enough for my pocket money. I know that mother said to ask her if I need some, but I don’t want to do that. She has enough in her plate to settle. I hope with me moving out, she will have enough to buy something for herself. I’m aware how she never has a chance to go out shopping and having fun because mother always has to save for us. But she actually saves for Sanghyun, because he never stops asking for money when he doesn’t deserve any of it.

The beep from my phone distracts me. I silently stare at it before unlocking the screen and check for the message. I thought it was Chanyeol but turns out it’s Park Bom.

From: Bommie

guess what?!

Luhan gives me his number!!

but im too chicken to text him :’(

The messages actually throw me to six. Bom didn’t send the message to the group but personally to me. It is weird because this kind of thing usually shared with five of us. Another message is sent to me.

From: Bommie

help me! what should I say to him?!

**

“Here! Look!”

Bom tosses her phone to me, forcing me to read her messages with her crush, Luhan. We are sitting in the library, only both of us because Bom doesn’t want to tell it to the other girls. The conversation between Bom and Luhan is so cheesy and nauseating that I don’t read them properly.

“He’s so sweet! I think he likes me too!”

Bom gushes over the conversation, and then keeps showing me the random pictures that Luhan sent to her. She is too loud that I need to remind her a few times that we are in library.

“You lucky girl. How did you get Luhan’s number?”

She is about to squeal, and I furiously put my hand over . Luckily, there’s only us and three more students that seems like talking with each other too.

“I told you that we were in the same orchestra club, right?”

I nod. Bom once told me that Luhan is the president of the club and can play almost all of the instrument. Bom joined the club because she doesn’t want to waste her talent on piano and flute. That’s where Bom started to like Luhan.

“He approached me a few days ago during our practice and ask me random things. I was confused why but then he took my phone and put in his number and said not to forget to text him.”

“You… you don’t think he’s somewhat like Yongguk, right? Or Jiho?”

Bom glares at me before her expression soften. She locks her phone and turns her chair, facing me properly. I don’t need a mirror to know how pale my face is, and there’s tears prickling at my eyes.

“Hey, Dara. I’m not stupid like Hyoni to like someone like them, you know. I’ve been watching him long enough. I will dump him first thing if he ever dares hurting me!”

I let her brush away my tears that started to fall like a waterfall. Believe it or not, I cried a lot whenever I think about Hyoni with Jiho. I’m worried about her. I don’t know if she has dump him like I told her to because she never talks about it anymore.

“I’m just worried, Bommie. Boys are trash!”

“Yah! Don’t say that! Did you forget that your best friend Chanyeol is a boy too?”

“Chanyeol is a girl!”

She whacks my head, and we end up laughing together at how stupid I am right now.

I raise my eyebrow when Bom said that the other girls don’t know about Luhan. We used to share everything about our crush or anyone that we like. But it looks like I’m not the only one who has started to not want to do that anymore. They are the one that create this wall between five of us, and I don’t want to be the one that always tries so hard for our friendship when they don’t. It takes two to tango.

“I don’t know, but I just don’t want to tell them. They are so busy with their boyfriends that Chaerin replied my message five hours after I asked her about homework. Hell, she was online whenever I check on her! And you notice right how our group chat doesn’t function anymore. Only you or me that replies. And sometimes Minzy.”

“You felt put out?”

Bom looks at me like I’m dumb. “Yeah, of course I am. I still don’t understand why Hyoni only told us about Jiho when they already together for two years. I pretend like I know about it when actually I wasn’t sure.”

“What do you think about Kris then?”

She stares at the ceiling, thinking for a while. “He’s nice. He came to me and apologize for keeping his relationship with Chae secret. He even shared his chocolate with me, saying that I’m Chae’s best friend.”

If Bom also thinks like that, that means there is nothing wrong with Kris.

“But I think Minzy has a boyfriend too, you know?”

**

Is this the end? Or near the end? It is frustrated whenever I think about it. If not because this is the only phone that I have, and I don’t plan to buy any new phone, I would already throw it down to the ground and make sure it crashes since it’s pretty high from this balcony.

After the conversation with Bom at school, I tried again to have some conversation with Chaerin, Hyoni and Minzy in our group chat. After an hour, I checked it and only Bom that has seen my message. The others still haven’t open it although the message is delivered. I could totally understand that Bom still doesn’t reply my message. I know that she actually hopes the others would reply first.

To: Junhong

Is minzy doing okay nowadays?

I got the reply almost instantly.

From: Junhong

of course. what’s wrong?

I sigh. it’s normal not to see Minzy on usual basis since she is not in the same class. But Hyoni was absent today while Chaerin seems like trying not to bump into me and Bom, which is weird. I was wondering if I have hurt her in some ways, but I cannot figure it out no matter how much I try to work my brain. I want to ask Kris, but I don’t have his number.

Sighing again and again, I hang my arms on the metal, clutching my phone in my hand securely. I can feel the breakdown coming near, but I don’t even have any energy to face one. I can feel my breath getting shorter and shorter whenever I inhale.

“I wonder what’s burdening you, Dara.”

I’m on the edge of tears, that I don’t even bother to blink my eyes or look up to see my neighbor. I hate it that he always caught me when I almost crying.

“Nothing.” It came out like a whisper, because if I try to talk, I will end up bursting into tears. And Kwon Jiyong is not a person that I want to be watching me. He’s just a neighbor, or a friend, but not close enough to know about my problems.

“Want to share it with me?”

I shake my head.

“Is…is there anything I can do?” he meekly asks, and it softens me.

“Just go away,” I reply.

Silence. He doesn’t fight back, and I can see from the corner of my eye he hesitantly walks back into his house, leaving his sliding door agape. What amusing me right now is that I feel disappointed that he did leave go away. I don’t know him well, but I wish he would fight my words and stay. I always wish that someone would fight for me. I want someone to understand me when I don’t.

A warm material suddenly draped onto my shoulders and I gasp in surprise. I found a thick blanket wrapped around me. I was drowning in my emotions that I didn’t notice Jiyong already climbs onto the railing that separate us to reach me. He sat silently on the metal, trying to balance his body on it while his eyes stare at me.

“You look sad and freezing. Are you sure I can’t do anything for you except to go away?”

I slump into the floor, feeling too drain with myself and overwhelmed that Jiyong actually didn’t go away. He quickly jumps into my balcony, but then hovered over me. And then, he pulls the blanket that has slipped down and covered my body again, but every move is so cautious, as if he doesn’t want to touch me carelessly. As if I’m going to break if he mistreated me.

But I’m already broken, though. I have no idea if I could pick up the pieces anymore.

**

We sat across each other, me in the house on the floor, while him on the ground in the balcony. Jiyong refused my invitation to come inside and insists that he’s okay staying out. He even refused when I tried to give him back his blanket. I’m not sure how he could endure staying there when the night is too cold and almost freezing. But he looks comfortable enough with the hot chocolate that I made for him.

“Should I tell Chanyeol?” he asks with concern.

I shake my head, refuse to let the big ears boy to know. He already helped a lot, and this kind of problem is for my own to handle. “I’m going to be okay.”

“Are you sure? Even since the first day I saw you, I know there’s a lot of things you’ve been hiding. You’re moving out to come here also because you’re fighting a battle, right?”

“A battle?” I repeat the word. “Do I look like a soldier to you?”

“You do.” He blushes but pretends like he doesn’t care. “Well, everyone has their own battle. You look like you’re fighting one, and Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Chen and Junhong also never stop worrying about you. I’m curious.”

My heart flutters to hear that the boys always thinking about me. But despite them being worried, I notice how they never crossed the line and always know to give me some space to deal on my own. They just there, always ready to grasp my hand if I try to reach for them. But nowadays Chanyeol seems like he is about to keep me in his pocket, so he’ll know that I am safe.

“Does you have your battle too, Jiyong?”

He goes silent when I ask him that. He looks like having a flash of memory because he longingly staring at me. I don’t know why, but his expression somewhat hurts me, and without thinking any further, I start talking about the girls to him. He keeps quiet the whole time, listening to me eagerly and occasionally sipping on the hot chocolate, but his eyes never trailed away from my face. He doesn’t cut my words or showing any expression other than frowning like he’s giving all his attention to me. He looks so serious like it’s his own problem.

I only notice that I’ve been crying the whole time when he reaches to pull the blanket and slowly wipe my tears with it. He is so careful not to touch me with his bare hands. When he sees me biting on my lips, he says again that it is okay to cry, which I did because it feels so good to let my feelings out to someone.

I guess I’ve been bottling it up alone too much that I finally confessed it to someone like Jiyong, who is merely stranger to me.

“To be honest, I don’t really know what to say because I have never encountered a situation like you did, but like I said before, hearing my voice and knowing that I listen is better than you hearing to the voice of your head, true? And living alone here doesn’t help either.”

I nod sadly, fiddling with the blanket that have been keeping me warm. I might get crazy one day if I keep torturing myself like this – by keeping myself lonely and then overthinking. It’s one of bad treat in myself that I’ve growing up with. But I used to have grandpa to rely on. Now, no one.

“And you said that you feel like your friends are somehow being toxic to you because they keep you in the dark. I’m going to be honest- “

“You are always so honest, Jiyong.” I cut his words, which makes he lift his finger to shut me up, but a soft smile playing at his lips. Why is he always so tender?

“You should never think that way, Dara. You said that they’re somehow the toxic, but have you ever thought the other way around? What if you are the toxic one in your guys’ friendship? I’m not saying you are but try to think this through.”

, that hurts. The fact that he might be right is hurt.

What if I am the toxic one?

“Instead of blaming them, why don’t you go and ask your friends and try to be honest with each other? Communication is important if you want to keep your friendship longer. And by communication, I mean face to face. Not by message or call.”

“But I always said the truth to them. I never keep secrets, and I told Hyoni my honest feelings about Jiho.”

“We ignored truths for temporary happiness. I believe that Hyoni realized you’re right. If I were you, I’ll also tell her the same thing but Hyoni is in denial. Guess she likes the boy too much. Give her some time to sort it out.”

“Then, Chaerin? And Minzy? Why would they keep their relationship with Kris and Junhong as a secret?” I keep asking him for answers, but I know it is me that need to find for it.

Jiyong shakes his head, and then pulls the blanket again to cover me properly because I’m shaking right now. It’s him that should be trembling in cold since he is still outside in the balcony, but he seems calm and comfortable enough with that simple shirt and sweatpants. And that soft smile never leaves his lips.

“I don’t know. I have no answers for that,” Jiyong smiles, almost sadly. As if he is disappointed for not able to give me what I want.

Instead of saying things or white lies to make me feel better, he says the truth. ‘I don’t know’ should make me angry because I desperately need answers but I kind of like it of how he is so honest. When he doesn’t know about it, he would say that he doesn’t. He doesn’t give me fake hope, which I am grateful for. I had enough of them with dad.

“But Jiyong, what if our friendship is a harm to every one of us?”

Jiyong’s eyes stare straight into mine. I can see clearly my reflection in there.

“Do not fear to lose what needs to be lost. You should know which you should hold on to, and which you should let go.”

When he tries to get up, I quickly hold onto his hand, forcing him to sit back. In the back of my mind, I don’t want him to go. I’m so afraid and I have no idea why. Why did I tell him all of this? Why did my instinct told me to trust him? I don’t trust people that easily, especially boys, but it feels so natural to touch Jiyong. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. Even when dad, Sanghyun or Seunghyun touch me, I’d get mad easily.

Your gut knows what’s up, Dara. Trust that b*tch.

“Wh-where are you going?”

Jiyong looks perplexed at the question. “I’m going back. It’s getting late and you should get some rest.”

I don’t really get what he is saying that time since there is too much in my head, but I grasp his hand again and pull him to sit back. His eyes widened at my action, but he sits back in front of me, his hand is still in between mine.

“Can we be friends, Jiyong?”

He chuckles. “I thought we already are friends.”

I shake my head. He doesn’t have any idea, but I don’t easily let someone be my friend, especially if they are boys, because they remind me of Yongguk and Jiho. I have never talk with my classmates except if it about school work. I am always wary of them and talking with Kris also actually makes me want to run away. But I manage to put the mask on. I’m always looks pissy without reasons.

And Jiyong should not have known this side of me. But he knows now.

Park Sandara is so dramatic. I don’t even know if I deserve this kind gesture from him. I also don’t know if I deserve Chanyeol and the other boys as my friends too. They are so gentle to me which is opposite to my own family.

“Can I give you my trust, Jiyong?”

He tilts his head and smile. “Yes. But I’m going to climb back to my house, because I know you don’t trust me enough to come into your house.”

True. I don’t.

**

“Why won’t you accompany me?” I whine, and Chanyeol grimaces. He is aware that I only do something like that when I really want something from him.

“Because it’s a book festival. I particularly hate books and I don’t want to go to the sea of books. No way in hell.” He hisses furiously.

Kyungsoo, who has been quiet since then chuckle amusedly. I’m tempted to invite him to join me this weekend, but he looks like an awkward bean, and I’m awkward too. It’s going to be a disaster later. Chen and Baekhyun is going somewhere with their family, and I definitely will not ask Junhong because he is Minzy’s boyfriend. I just thought it’s not appropriate to do that.

“Did you whine just now?” Hanbin suddenly appears out of nowhere from behind me. “You’re really a girl then.”

This time, I don’t bother to hide my scowl because of how annoying this boy is. He doesn’t look offended when I did that to him, but instead he smirks and juts out his tongue to me. If not because I notice his best friend stands behind him, Hanbin would have goes bald in the first place.

“Hi Dara.” Jiyong greets me politely which I answer almost shyly. A week has passed since the day I broke down in front of him, but every time I see him, I can’t help but to get flustered.

I ignore he amuse stares and quickly turn back to Chanyeol. The giant boy is trying to hide behind Kyungsoo. Of course he fails because Kyungsoo is as tiny as me.

“Just go alone if you don’t want to ask the girls. I’m not going with you, Park.”

“You’re Park too!”

“Yes, but I am not going with you. You’ll ditch me anyway when you see those rectangular thing.”

“Yeollie!”

“No!”

“ you!”

“Don’t curse!”

All the boys, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Hanbin and Chen and Baekhyun who suddenly appears shout simultaneously. Their expressions are like they just witnessed something horror. Jiyong, with his usual habit – hands inside his pockets chuckles amusedly. Hanbin approaches me with his eyes as big like saucers. I know he’s just going to piss me off even more.

“I thought you were a girl! Girls don’t curse lightly!”

Their outburst attracts the students nearby. I shrink, feeling embarrassed at the attention on me. It was embarrassing enough to enter this school compound because all the students are boys. Everyone stares at me when I walk into this school, but I need someone to accompany me to the book festival.

“What’s wrong? Is there something I can help with?” Jiyong’s voice stops everyone from throwing daggers at me for cursing just now. I almost coo at how soft his voice when he asked the question. And him with the eagerness to always help is so charming.

“Yes, Dara’s unofficial nanny!” Baekhyun storms off to Jiyong and wraps his arm around Jiyong’s shoulder before pulling him closer to me.

“Since we have appointed you as our girl’s babysitter, you must go with her to the book festival this Saturday.”

Kyungsoo and Hanbin snorts at ‘our girl’s’, and it takes all of me not to glare at Kyungsoo too because his eyes are so adorable.

“Book festival? The one in the city?” I can practically hear his excitement. “It’s international book festival, right?” Jiyong looks so enthused at the idea. I take a look at Chanyeol to make him stop Baekhyun because the idea of going with Jiyong doesn’t really seems right to me. I also notice how Jiyong is a bit wicked (just like Hanbin) although he is gentle and polite all the time. I mean, he always looks amused whenever I try to not meet his eyes.

“Yes, it is!” Chanyeol and Chen answer happily, and I can’t ignore the small smirk in Chanyeol’s face. “Take care of Dara, okay? We trust you! Make sure she only buys five or six books and not more than ten because she would regret it later.” Chanyeol repeats what I said to him before. The main reason I wanted him to go with me is so he could avoid me from letting my money flow like a river.

“Oh oh! And make sure she doesn’t ditch you or spend more than one hour in every booth or you’ll end up sleeping there instead.” Chen continues. My face has turn to a shade of crimson. Hanbin makes it worse when he stares and frowns at me.

“God. You’re just as same as him,” I hear him whispers, but I have no idea what he is talking about.

When I glance at Jiyong, his eyes are sparkling with anticipation which myself have whenever I hear about book festival or sales. He almost looks like a puppy and I can see his tail wiggling happily. I know he is waiting for my confirmation if I will allow him to accompany me this weekend. One thing about him that I start to like – he’d make sure I’m comfortable first before proceeding with anything. He takes his time and doesn’t rush.

I bit my inner cheeks, unsure about this whole thing but he seems hopeful, and the boys are not making it easier. Reluctantly, I nod my head, agree with this although half of me think if I should just go alone.

Chanyeol claps his hand. “Good. It settled then.” I throw him my middle finger and dash out of there before anyone could react.

**

“We don’t have to go together if you don’t want.” He leans to the metal, facing to me while I lean my body to the sliding door of my balcony. It’s now like we have an unspoken agreement to stay out here and have a talk together, which almost all the talk is only when he asks something. I have never said much about me, being cautious about everything because the embarrassment of breaking down in front of him still hunts me. He also seems to sense it because he never brings up that topic again. But I know he is curious if I have done something about it, which I still haven’t because I’m not ready for whatever will happen after I confront it with the girls.

I slowly shake my head, frowning. “It’s okay. Let’s just go. Chanyeol will know it if we don’t do that. He is annoying like that.”

“He’s just worried about you.”

I scoff, not a little bit amused. At this point, I’m sure Jiyong is itching to know of why the boys are so protective and constantly worried about me. But knowing Jiyong (although not that much) he must have been holding himself from asking about it.

He doesn’t say anything, only staring at me from where he is standing before slowly pushing himself from the metal and yawn. “I really don’t mind if you don’t want to go with me and I’ll explain it to Chanyeol,” he tries, which make me glare so hard at him for making me annoyed. He blinks owlishly at my reaction.

Sighing, I tip toed and try to get close to him from my balcony. “Wait for me at the bench downstairs tomorrow morning, okay? Don’t make me repeat my words.” I warn and walk back into the house. I can hear him laughing from there before I lock the sliding door and walk into my room to choose the outfit for tomorrow.

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