A woman is unstoppable after she realizes she deserves better.

“Uh, hey.” Someone clears their throat as they sound like awkwardly try to talk to me. I look up, stopping myself from putting the drinks in the cooler to see who it is. There it goes, my heart starts to beat heartily again.

“Can I have that chocolate milk you’re holding?” he smiles sheepishly, “I wanted to wait for you to finish arranging them but- “

I quickly reach for the milk he asks for. I’m still embarrassed to meet him with this puffy eyes and pale face although he has seen me this evening when we were at his school. I don’t think I want to know what he is thinking, but I just hope he do not think that I’m running from house.

But it’s partly true, maybe, I don’t really know.

Jiyong thanks me, giving me his small smile before he turns to pay at the counter. Just like the first time we met in this store, he throws a glance at me before pushing the glass door and leaves the store.

I wonder how it’s going to be if I get to leave next to him soon.

**

The sight of Sanghyun happily tries his new clothes makes me wince. Although I have never be the one to get the new clothes, or anything new, it still hurts me every time it happens. Mother has always bought Sanghyun his clothes, saying that most of his shirts are worn out or old, which irritates me. I need new clothes too. Most of my outfits were bought at the cheap street market, bundle or preloved from internet, and of course, I buy them all by myself.

I pretend that I don’t care, which the truth is not. I walk into the kitchen, eating the food that mother has left for me. At least she doesn’t forget that I still need to eat, and I decide that it’s enough for me. The voices of Sanghyun and Seunghyun fighting about the clothes reach into the kitchen. I somberly chew the food, sulking on something that I know that I shouldn’t. After eating, I bring myself into my room, have a shower before sitting at my study, finishing all the homework that I have. Fortunately, it’s not too much. Bom messaged me this evening about the homework and asked me why I was absence. I just said that I was not well, and it’s partly true. My heart and my brain are not in a good condition. I’m disappointed and sad, and it’s taking toll on my body.

When I slump my body into the bed, I know I am really, really exhausted. I can feel my back bone hurting before the pain slowly subsided. Maybe this is how my grandfather felt when he said his back was hurting him, but I’m not that old yet.

My brain slowly plays back the talks that I have with Chanyeol and my other friends. I am thankful to have them, although there is time I think I don’t give the same amount of kindness just like they did to me. In this bitter life that I have, there’s a lot of small little things that I always forgot to cherish. To be alive, to be able to walk, to be able to study and sleep and eat, and to have people that will always stand by my side when I need them. Humans are greedy. They always want better things that they forgot what they already have. Like me.

I’m looking forward to my life which I have to live alone and make everything by myself, not like I already haven’t. But still, I know living away from my family, especially my mother is going to be hard. I don’t hate, like really really hate them. It’s just, I need a space for myself, where people can’t critic every single thing that I do, just like Seunghyun and Sanghyun always do. I don’t want to be jealous of them just because they always get what they want. I don’t want to always be rude and speak impolitely to them, and I believe by living alone, I can avoid doing that. I’m a good girl, but the situation in this house is something that I cannot handle.

I hope Jiyong can get that house for me.

**

I nearly curse to myself as loud as I can but the loud voices around me do not allow me to do so. I can feel the beads of sweat forming at the base of my neck and my forehead, and my heart is beating fast. I can’t believe this. I just did something that is too stupid. I just freaking left my metro card at home. My metro card! I have never done this kind of mistake for years going to school with train, and today, I did it. It’s going to take ten minutes from this station to my house and another ten to come back here. and if I do that, I would waste another twenty minutes!

Not satisfied, I kneel onto the ground, opening the zip of my bag as wide as it can get and start to bring out everything inside it. I even flip the books that I have in case I put it in there, but I can’t find it. I don’t want to buy a new one. I need to save money. But it looks like I don’t have any other way other than to buy a new card, so I can get pass the turnstile.

“Hey.”

The voice that I think I’ve heard somewhere before reaches me, and I abruptly look up to the source. All I see is a blur face because my eyes are tearing up, so I wipe them away with my sleeve. After blinking a few times, I find the familiar boy standing in front of me, looking down at my worse condition before he also kneels and begins to pick up my things to put them into my bag.

“Are you okay?”

I can hear the concern in his voice, but I can’t help but to frown. Do I look okay? I know he saw me teared up just now, but maybe he asks just to make sure of it. I do not answer him, instead I only watch as he zips up my bag and stands up with it still in his hand. He stretches out his hand to me, offering his help. I grab the tip of his sleeve, not touching his hand and he pulls me up. He stares at my face for a while before handing me back my bag pack.

“What’s wrong?” He tilts his head, concern is crystal clear on his face. I still do not answer him, too awkward and worry at the same time. It is awkward to tell your problem to someone you don’t know, and I’m worried about how to get to school on time without wasting money. My eyes lingering at the customer service counter and then the people who leisurely scan their card to get pass the turnstiles that I hate the most. My hate for that automatic gates just get stronger.

I feel something poking my hand, making me look down to it. I find the familiar metro card stretched out to me.

“You left this, right?”

When I look up to him, he was still giving me his small smile, but he looks really cute. I blink a few times to him, no sure what kind of respond I have to give to him. Take it? Or buy a new one? As if he knows that I’m hesitant to accept it, he grabs my arm which is covered with my blazer’s sleeve and put it into my hand.

“Here. Use this.”

“But, what about you?”

He d his hand into his pocket, and then fishes out the identical card just like I’m holding now. He flashes me wider smile. “I have another one. It happened to me before.”

Ah, right. He was the boy that bought the new card after the guard asked him to.

“Thank you.” I say, and he nods his head, walking ahead, not even asking me to give it back to him. I stare at the card. Kwon Jiyong is written on it. Decided that I can ask Chanyeol to give it back tomorrow, I get into the queue to scan his card, hoping there is enough amount of money in it.

**

“You’re sure you okay? You look tired. Want me to tell the teacher?”

Bom continues to ask me with her questions. I know she is being concern because I literally look like I just came back from dead, but it is annoying me. I’m already pissed enough when our Biology teacher suddenly surprise us with a damn quiz. I know I do well in Biology, but God knows how struggle I am to maintain the mark so that all my subjects are in good situation.

“Yes Bom, I’m really okay. I’m a little bit sleepy but don’t worry.” I try to reassure her, giving her my ugly smile. She only sighs, knowing how I hate to miss any class because I can’t afford to lose the scholarship. And if I lose the scholarship, I also can’t afford to live alone like what I plan.

“Is there really nothing going on at home? Wanna tell me?” She slows down her voice, almost like whispering. The question stabs me like a knife, but I don’t want to tell her. If I tell her, she will know that I’m going out of my house. I do plan to tell me friends because I know I can’t keep it to myself for too long, but I want to make sure I get the house first, and at least get used to live alone.

It is hurt to keep it to myself just because I want to keep secrets too. It’s stupid.

I shake my head, flashing her another fake smile that I am getting use to. I know I cannot do this for too long. I don’t want to be like a plastic because it melts. I’m afraid I’m going to burn my own self one day.

Bom sighs again, giving up.

Just after we pass our quiz sheets to the teacher, I see Chaerin looking down to her phone under her desk and Hyoni doing the same. So lucky. I wish I have a boyfriend too, but how can I when I’m having crisis of life. I don’t think having a boyfriend at this moment would be a good idea. And I don’t think there is someone who stupid enough to make me his girlfriend. Who would want a girlfriend with a worse trust issue anyway? I’m going to bring down of my boyfriend if I have one.

“Dara, let’s go to the canteen together. I don’t think Chae and Hyoni will join us.” There’s a trace of disappointment in her voice, and I know she is upset at how things are going on between the five of us. Chaerin and Hyoni having boyfriends, Minzy keeping her secret and me, having problems that I don’t want to share. People will say that it’s normal, especially when we are at this age, but that doesn’t mean we also can pretend it is normal. Feelings and sense involved in these, it is hard. You can’t judge a situation that you’ve never been in, and I’m wondering what Bom is thinking right now. All I know is she is upset with this, but she knows she doesn’t have the right to say anything. There are things beyond our control.

I guess it is true when they said that friendship is forever, until one of them get a boyfriend, but it doesn't happen to everyone, of course. And me and Bom don’t blame them for having boyfriends. Kris is a good boy. Junhong too, although Bom doesn’t know about it yet. Just Jiho, I wish everything is going okay with Hyoni. I don’t trust that guy, but I need to believe in Hyoni to take care of herself.

“Sure.” I gathered the only two books that we’ve used this morning to bring it with me, so I can put them in my locker, and Bom doing the same thing. We don’t forget to greet our other two friends before we separate to our own ways.

“I believe there is something going on with your family but looks like you don’t want to talk about it, so I’m not going to force you.” Bom suddenly pipes up when we are walking through the hallway to got to our locker before getting to the canteen. “Ah…” she sighs when I don’t respond. “Minzy is also keeping secrets. I wonder if all of us are okay.” I hear she mumbles to herself, which make me bit my lip. I’m not surprise that she notices Minzy’s behavior because Bom is meticulous like that, but my heart is aching with the words she said about five of us.

Things change, people change, feelings change.

But I just know that between all of us, my feeling to Bom will only grow stronger. She’s the best female friend I could ever get. She’s the most concern girl I’ve ever knew. Between Bom, Chae, Minzy and Hyoni, Park Bom is the kindest. She’s like a big sister to us although she could be childish sometimes.

I promise that I will tell you the whole thing, Bommie, but let me get used to everything first.

**

“The owner said you can move in this Sunday.” Jiyong says as he hands me his phone, showing me the picture of the house. “It’s fully furnished but she gives you a cheap price because I told her you’re a student like me.”

I scroll down the picture in the chat with a name he put as ‘Nextdoor Owner Mrs. Lim’. Chanyeol and Chen try to squish my head with theirs to look at the pictures too, but then Baekhyun pushes them both to let me breath. Jiyong said that the house has two rooms with a bed, one bathroom, a kitchen and a balcony. It’s not as big as my house, but I think it’ big enough for me since I’m going to live alone. Mrs. Lim also provides a washing machine and a fridge, a sofa, television and even Wi-Fi. Oh, my goodness, this is the best thing I’ve ever got in my life. And Jiyong is true, the rental price is affordable, especially all the things come with it. I have the tv to myself! I don’t have to go through a fight with my brothers anymore just to watch movies on Friday’s night.

“If you have problem, just call Jiyong. He lives next to your house.” Chanyeol says cheerily, making me almost snort at his statement. I know he is still worried about this whole thing, and I believe he already said something to Jiyong to look for me. That is so Chanyeol.

I look up to face Chanyeol, raising my eyebrows playfully at him which make he push my face away from him. When I avert my eyes to Jiyong, I find him watching us with that small smile, and his friend that he brings together, Hanbin I believe is his name, chatting with Baekhyun. Chanyeol made us to meet at the café where I usually hang out with the girls.

“Do you need help with your things?” Chen asks. “When you plan to move out anyway?”

As soon as possible is what I want to say but I don’t. Because Jiyong and Hanbin are here, and I’m not comfortable to let them hear this kind of things when we don’t even know each other so well. I only smile at him, and Chen understands me perfectly because he nods.

“Then,” Baekhyun joins in, “Ji said you can move in this Sunday, which is the day after tomorrow.” He grins at his own words. “You can start pack your thing tomorrow, and we’ll come to your house on Sunday morning. How’s that sound?”

A great idea, of course.

“Have you actually told your family?” Chanyeol comes closer to me to whisper, and the question makes me pursue my lips, before I slowly shake my head. These boys are the only people that know about me moving out since I basically ask their help.

“You should at least tell them, Dara,” he says again, his voice straining, as if trying not to start scolding at me for making decision on my own when I have family. I pout, and Baekhyun sees this. He suddenly whines to Chanyeol, saying him to stop making me sad, which actually embarrass me because Jiyong and Hanbin turn their attention to me. I quickly plant my face onto the table, trying to hide from the humiliation that Baekhyun caused. He could be such a kid sometimes. It’s adorable and idiotic at some point.

“Do you like it?” I hear Jiyong asking, and I straight up again to meet his eyes. He tilts his head a bit, and his expression showing that he is curious. I suddenly feel shy at his attention. I quickly nod my head eagerly, giving him my smile and look down again to the pictures in his phone that I am still holding.

“Anyway, Dara, you haven’t introduced yourself to us yet.” Hanbin speaks, looking at me curiously. I widen my eyes when I realize it is true, and abruptly stand up to bow at the two boys.

“I’m Park Sandara, second year in Hyowon Academy.”

The two boys follow me to stand too, before they introduce their selves.

“Kwon Jiyong, second year in AZ Academy. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Kim Hanbin, second year too. I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Chen and Baekhyun yell at him to shut up while I hear Chanyeol curse under his breath.

“I’m not hitting on her! Just giving her hint so she could introduce me to any of her friends.” Hanbin protests, and I roll my eyes. Boys will be boys wherever they go. I watch as Chanyeol, Chen and Baekhyun throwing curses at Hanbin. They remind me of Chaerin and Hyoni when they were fighting over cute guys in the magazine.

But then I find Jiyong simply stares at me, curiosity all over his face. I’m not going to say he’s being creepy because he is not at all, he looks like a little boy staring at television and wondering how people can get so tiny to put their self in it.

Wait, am I a television now?

A little bit uncomfortable, I slowly push his phone back to his direction, and his eyes follow the movement of my hand. What’s wrong with this boy being curious like a cat? He is acting like everything I do is interesting. Careful, Jiyong. Curiosity kills the cat. I don’t want to be the reason you’re dead.

“You both should exchange numbers since you’re going to be neighbors, and Jiyong needs to keep an eye on you if anything happens.” Chanyeol pulls back Jiyong’s phone to put in my numbers. He doesn’t have to ask me since he remembers my number phone.

“You’re acting like you’re her father, Yeol.” Chen amuses, shaking his head at how protective Chanyeol is being.

“I’m more like his big brother,” he replies. “Give me your phone, Dara.” he says, but then he starts to rummage through my bag like it is his property. I could only watch him doing everything on his own.

Baekhyun groans, raking his hair frustratedly. Chanyeol only act like this when it comes to me. “Yeol, you’re being annoying right now.”

“Shut up, Byun. We need to make sure this little Park Sandara is safe and sound. Yah, Kwon Jiyong!” he suddenly calls out the boy, startling him who was drinking his chocolate shake. I think Jiyong loves chocolate. Even at the convenience store, he only buys chocolate milk.

Why the hell am I paying attention about his likes?

“If you do something you shouldn’t to her,” Chanyeol points his index finger to me, “I’ll break your leg, so you can’t play football anymore!”

That makes me snap. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I frown to Chanyeol. Jiyong don’t even do anything and here this giraffe talking nonsense.

“I’m worried! I feel like I’m letting my daughter marrying some boy!” he hisses.

“Stop Yeol.” Chen interrupts, chuckling at Chanyeol’s protectiveness. “You can’t break his leg because Jiyong is the ace.”

Chanyeol’s shoulders slump, and I could almost see his ears fall down like a kicked puppy. I think he’s starting to get annoyed because I’m being stubborn on this matter.

“I promise I’ll tell my mother. And I’ll take care of myself, okay? I’ve done that for my eighteen years of life, Yeol. I’m okay, really.”

I wonder if the men in my family will get worry just like this boy if I move out of the house soon. But that would be a joke. I mean, I’ve been doing everything on my own, going to school by train alone since I first got into school, choosing my clothes and needs on my own, and figure out almost everything on my own. All of this, Seunghyun and Sanghyun got our mother to do it for them.

I also don’t plan to tell anyone except my mother.

Chanyeol sighs. “Fine. Nothing can change your mind anyway. Just, please reach out to us again if something happens. Or just- “

“Find Jiyong because he lives next to me. Okay, okay. I get it, Park Chanyeol. Your number is in my speed dial, don’t worry. Chen and Baek too.” I say before the other two could even ask because I know they would. They are annoying like that. “I’ll put Jiyong’s number in speed dial too.”

“So, are we settle?” Hanbin asks suddenly. “I want to go the arcade with Ji.”

I’m starting to think that this Kim Hanbin is a little bit annoying.

“Yes. Jiyong, I’m moving in on Sunday. Can you tell that to the owner? I’ll pay everything on that day too.”

He smiles, nodding his head.

And this Kwon Jiyong is unpretentious. He’s just… simple.

**

It’s already eleven when I got home. The only light that is still on is in the kitchen. I notice that Seunghyun’s motorcycle isn’t in garage, and the car too. Means there's only mother and the monkey. My stomach is grumbling, asking for food, so I make my way into the kitchen. I find mother sitting alone at the dining table, a glass of water in front of her, and a paper bag of McDonalds on the table.

“Mom.” I greet. Mother turns to look at me. She throws me a smile, a tired smile before pulling the chair next to her out from under the table for me to sit. And then silently pulls out the Spicy Chicken McDeluxe, the french fries and a cup of coke. My favorite set. I happily take a sit next to her to start eating.

When I am munching the burger, that’s when I remember what I promised to Chanyeol. I turn to my mother who is sipping her water slowly. I can hear her shaky breath. I can see clearly the exhaustion all over her face. I can smell her sweet scent.

Mother is the strongest woman I ever knew. When dad was being sh*tty, she rarely complains about having to support the three of us. Mother could be really strict sometimes, but she has a soft spot in her heart for us. She always stood up for her children. But there is time when I think mother is being unfair, especially when it comes to Sanghyun. But I don’t really take it on mother, that’s why I always throw sarcasm on Sanghyun instead.

“Mom, I want to move out. I mean, I’m going to move out this Sunday.” I go straight to the point.

Her movement stops. After a few moments, she put down the glass, and then slowly turn to me, giving me her full attention. She doesn’t say anything, but I can see the crease on her forehead.

“Why?” that is the only thing she said.

I put the half-eaten burger down, sipping the coke before talking again.

“I just need to do this, mom. I don’t want to keep being the toxic in this house. I want to stay away from dad, my brothers. And I can’t afford to lose my money again.”

Mother doesn’t respond immediately. She stares at me, and then averts her eyes to the glass in front of her, sighing. Although we’re sitting close like this, there is still a gap between us. I can feel it. There is a lot of thing that I don’t tell her. I just can’t. I’m not comfortable. Years not living together with this family make me feel like that.

“Are you sure? Have you found a place to stay? What about money?”

So, I told her about the house that Jiyong got for me, and some of my saving in my bank account. I can cook, so I’m not going to have problem about eating. I can make laundry on my own, but other doing house chore is going to be new to me.

She sighs again.

I know what she is thinking. Mother was like me too, when she was younger. She moved out of the house because she had a fight with my grandfather about her studying in science stream when grandfather wanted her to take accounting. It was a small matter, but mother was hard headed just like me.

I guess I got it from her.

And she also knows that there is nothing she could say to make me stay, especially when I fight with dad and my brothers almost every day. I need something new. I don’t hate my family. Hate is a strong word. I just need to be away for the time being. My heart and my brain can’t take it anymore. The fight, the jealousy, the curses and everything. It’s better if I am away.

“Fine. I know I can’t stop you anyway. You’re just like me.” she sighs again and again. “Take care of yourself, okay? If you don’t have anything to eat, just come back here or I’ll come to you. If you have problem with money, I’ll try to give some to you. Just, promise me you will take care. I know exactly what you’re going through in our family, and I’m sorry.”

She caresses my head with her hand, gently and softly. I look down to my burger, so she can’t see me with my teary eyes.

“I promise.”

**

“Dara! Are you ready?” I can hear Baekhyun yelling from the living room. Not long after that, the boys, including Junhong, get into my room and look over all the bags and boxes that I have put at the center of my room.

“Good. You don’t have that much things.” Chen comments as he walks in to lift the things. There are three baggage’s, two boxes and two of my pillows.

“Yeah. Last time I helped my sister moving out to town, she basically brought her entire room with her.” Chanyeol says. He also pulls the baggage, while Junhong and Baekhyun take the boxes. I hug the pillows while my other hand holds my school bag pack. I make sure to stare at every corner of my room before shutting down the door and lock it. I also have made sure that everything valuable like my collection of watches and sneakers are brought along. I can’t leave them here. Who knows if Sanghyun will make them like they are his belongings.

“Mom, I’m going.” I hug my mother who are standing at the door, watching as my friends helping me to put the things into Chanyeol’s car. She is sad, I know, I can tell from her facial expression. But I’m going to make her more upset if I stay. She’ll hear and watch me fighting with our family. I don’t want that.

“Take care. Call me if you need anything.”

Just before I can close the gate of the house before getting into the car, Seunghyun arrives. His expression darkens as he watches my friends waiting at the car. His eyes glares at me when he notices the pillows in my hands.

“Where are you going?”

Oh god. I never plan to let him know about it. I ignore him. I walk to the car, but then he pulls my hand and ask again. His voice raises an octave.

“Let me go, Seunghyun!”

“Are you running away?”

Is that what he thought first when he saw us? I glare at him, not having any intention to answer him. I hate it when he's being like this. It's like he's trying to be kind to me but I can't trust him. What he has done is something I can't easily forget. I don't want to be hurt again.

“Don’t you feel sorry to mom? And who’s going to look after you if you live alone?”

I practically blow up. I throw the things in my hands to Chen, not even minding if they fall onto the ground. I angrily turn to Seunghyun.

“First of all, I’m moving out, not running away.” I emphasized the ‘running’ word. “Mom knows, and I am protecting myself from you, Seunghyun, and from Sanghyun. I don’t want my money keep disappearing! I also can stop being rude to dad if I don't live here anymore. And please stop acting like nothing happened when you made a bet of me with your friends. Could you believe that, big bro? I’m protecting myself from my own brother.”

My eyes are watering again. I still remember Seunghyun looking out for me and Sanghyun when we were playing near the river when we were still toddlers. But I don’t know what went wrong. Things change. Everything has changed.

Seunghyun is speechless. I turn around to get into the car but then he catches my hand again, gripping it so hard that I yell. That’s when Chanyeol and Junhong step in.

“Hyung, stop it.” Chanyeol pulls my hand away from Seunghyun, while Junhong stands close to me, eyeing my brother. I throw Seunghyun a last glance, and then to mother who is watching worriedly from the door before getting into the car. I do not even look out of the car window as Chanyeol drives away.

When we got into the unfamiliar neighborhood (it is unfamiliar to me), my heart starts beating fast. From afar, I can see Jiyong leaning to a pole, staring at something before he hears Chen calling his name. We stop at the parking lot in front of a building of five levels.

“Your house is on level two.” Jiyong informs me, smiling as he takes the pillows that I’m holding and starts walking to the stairs.

I, Park Sandara, is going to live on my own. I wonder what kind of trouble would happen to me.