Chapter 15: Do Not Look Back

Hyuk had recovered and was himself again, and we went on with our lives and never spoke of the cottage again; we lived for the present, neither speaking of the past, nor the future. Yet, something had changed; there was a barrier between us, an invisible wall had sprung up between us, and he walked on one side, and I, the other.

As the days and weeks passed, I grew to dread that some careless remark, a heedless word, a reckless comment, would bring that bleakness, that terrible darkness back to his eyes again. I avoided any mention of the lake, of water, of accidents, of drowning, and my shyness and awkwardness became worse in the presence of company; for there were many who came, well-connected people, dignitaries, who lived in the country and abroad, and the bowing, the shaking of hands, the conversation that must inevitably follow, became an ordeal that made my hands clammy with sweat, that caused my heart to pound in nervous anticipation, because of this fear in me, that they might talk of something that was forbidden. The strange faces staring at me in curiosity made it worse, and I would sit there with a fixed smile on my lips, my hands folded in my lap, giving monosyllabic answers to their bright questions.

"Ah, the palace is looking splendid, as always."

"Yes, indeed."

"Have you settled in, Your Majesty?"

"Yes, I have."

"The weather's hot today."

"Yes, indeed."

"I was on a cruise last week, the waves were rather choppy." I would hold my breath, stealing a little look at Hyuk, but he would appear fine, quite unruffled, even adding to the conversation, calmly, with a smile on his face, "Were they? I would have thought that the sea wouldn't be rough at this time of year."

The safest remarks were the lawns and the gardens.

"The lawns are looking wonderfully fresh."

"Yes, they are, indeed."

"The roses are in full bloom, I see. They are beautiful, aren't they?"

"Indeed they are."

A little laughter, a few forced chuckles, a little pucker of bewilderment, and they would turn to Hyuk with relief, and the conversation would flow with ease, as they spoke of acquaintances and people and places that I did not know and had never met.

I could imagine them saying to one another, as they drove away, "What a quiet, uninspiring girl. She hardly spoke more than ten sentences." They looked at me with bewildered eyes, and I knew what was in their minds; "She's so different from the other one."

The Prime Minister and his wife came, and they seemed pleasant enough.

"You must be excited about your Inauguration Ball," the Prime Minister's wife said.

"Oh," I said. It was the first time that I had heard about it.

"It's a ball given in honour of the new Empress of Korea," she said. "I remember Empress So Hyun's Inauguration Ball. It was a magnificent affair."

"Oh," I said again. "Was it?"

"My husband was the Minister of Foreign Affairs then," she said. "I remember the Empress wore a dark green gown, and her hair was piled up high, showing off her long, slender neck. She was stunning."

Her husband coughed, and she stopped speaking at once, turning a little pink around her cheeks.

"I hope I haven't offended you, Your Majesty, with my rambling."

"Oh, no, not at all," I smiled a nonchalant smile, and said carelessly, "I hear she was beautiful."

"Oh, she was, indeed, Your Majesty," she said. "Did you ever meet her?"

"No, I never met her." The smile was straining my face.

"Oh, how silly of me," she said, and laughed. "You would have been fifteen, sixteen then? It was eight years ago."

"Yes," I said, and because I did not know what to say anymore, I said, "I would have to ask Hyuk about the ball."

"Oh, of course, Your Majesty," she said. "I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to it. It would be like the grand old days agan."

The visitors continued to pour in, and the conversations would almost invariably turn to the grand balls in the good old days, a phrase I grew to hate, and So Hyun.

"The late Empress used to give marvellous parties."

"The banquet hall was a dream. They danced there, and the music was simply delightful. They had an orchestra, you know. It was enchanting, like a fairytale world." 

"The garden parties were simply wonderful."

"She did everything, the planning, the organizing."

"She was so talented."

"She was so beautiful, that black hair against the white skin."

"She was so popular."

"She sounds wonderful," I would say, and smile, and nod, as if to say, "I am quite at ease. I talk about her all the time", my voice careless enough to show that I did not mind, not at all. 

I imagined them saying, as they drove out of the palace gates, "She's really not in his league, is she?"

"What could he possibly see in that drab young thing?"

"I heard that he picked her up at some dubious little rundown theatre. She was some obscure musical actress."

A lifting of the eyebrows, a little knowing look, a snigger. "You know what men are like."

"Hyuk, of all people."

"I wouldn't have thought that of him."

"How could he, after So Hyun?"

Woo Bin dropped by, and I was pleased to see him. I was always relaxed in his company, and we went for a stroll in the gardens after lunch. Hyuk was having a private meeting with the Prime Minister in his office.

"The Prime Minister's wife mentioned an inauguration ball to be held in my honour," I said. "I'm dreading it. What if I make a fool of myself in front of all those important people?"

"You will be fine, Your Majesty," he said. "Just be yourself."

"That's the problem," I said gloomily. "being myself."

"You will do an excellent job, Your Majesty," he said solemnly. "I have the utmost faith in you."

"That's kind of you," I said. I almost believed him. Dear Woo Bin. We were so alike, him and me, both of us quiet, unassuming.

"Have you spoken to His Majesty about the ball?" he asked.

"No, " I said. 

We fell into silence.

"I took a walk in the woods the other day," I said.

"Oh, did you?" he said. "Did you go to the Valley of Dreams?"

"Yes, I did, but that was earlier, when I took a walk with Hyuk," I said. "I decided to try the other path on my own, and I went to the cottage in the woods."

He stilled in his walk.

"The cottage is in a dreadful state," I said lightly. "The door was unlocked, and I went in. There's dust everywhere, and mould. Why isn't anything done about it?"

He adjusted the collar around his neck, as if it had suddenly become too tight. I plucked a rotting flower from one of the shrubs.

"Are they all So Hyun's things?" I asked.

"Yes," he said quietly.

I threw the flower away and kicked at it with my shoe.

"What did she use the cottage for?" I asked. "There was furniture there, and a sofa bed, and chairs, and books."

"She - she used it for gatherings, parties, that sort of thing," he said, his voice tight, ill at ease. He had no wish to talk about the cottage, or about her. Like Hyuk. It was odd that he called her "she", and not "The late Empress", or "Empress So Hyun", he being such an impeccably polite and correct man.

"Did she use it a great deal?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, she did. Barbeques, parties, things like that..."

"What fun," I said brightly. "Barbeques and parties must be great fun. Did you ever go to them?"

"Once or twice," he said. I pretended not to notice how quiet he had become.

"She drowned, didn't she, in the lake at the Imperial Gardens?"

"Yes," he said.

A strange sort of compulsion had gripped me. He did not want to talk about it. I knew that, but I had to continue, I could not be silent any longer.

"What happened to her? Why did she drown?"

"She had a - cardiac arrest, they think that she lost consciousness and fell into the lake."

"Was she alone? Was anyone with her?"

"She was alone."

"When did she drown?"

"Between midnight and 4 am."

"When did they find her?"

"At 7 am the next morning."

"Who found her?"

"A gardener, t the grass on the banks."

"What was she doing alone at the lake at night?"

"Nobody knows."

"Did anyone see her?"

"No. Nobody saw the accident. Nobody knew that she was there." 

"They must have known up at the palace."

"No," he said. "She often went out alone like that. She would come back any time of the night and sleep at the cottage in the woods." 

"Did - did Hyuk mind her going off alone like that?"

He waited a minute, and then said shortly, "I don't know."

I did not want to ask him anymore. I felt sick at myself, sick and disgusted. I hated myself. 

"I was just curious about the cottage. It seems such a pity, all the things in there going to ruins like that."

He did not say anything. I felt hot and uncomfortable, and ashamed. I liked Woo Bin, respected him. I felt that he liked me too. I had felt that he was my friend, my ally. Perhaps I had destroyed all this, and he would never feel the same about me again.

"What a long walk this is turning out to be," I said. "The palace grounds are enormous."

"Yes, they are," he said.

I could tell that he was still on his guard, waiting for a further question from me.

"Woo Bin," I said desperately, "I'm sorry for making you so uncomfortable. You must think that I'm curious, in a prying, gossipy, horrible sort of way. It's just that it's so hard for me sometimes, living here, living in the palace. I'm not used to this sort of life. I feel like I'm being watched, being judged all the time. I feel everyone looking me up and down, the Empress Dowager, the visitors, the maids, the staff, everyone, wondering what Hyuk saw in me. I'm beginning to wonder myself, I'm beginning to doubt, and I have this feeling in me, and it's growing stronger and stronger, hour by hour, day by day, that I should never have married Hyuk, that we are not going to be happy. You see, I know that all the time, whenever I meet anyone new, they are all thinking that he made a mistake when he married me, and I'm beginning to agree with them." 

I stopped breathless, on the verge of tears. He turned to me, looking very concerned and troubled.

"Your Majesty, please don't think that," he said. "For my part, I can't tell you how delighted I am that you have married His Majesty. You have made all the difference to his life. I have no doubt at all in my mind that you will be a truly great Empress who will make His Majesty and the whole nation proud. From my point of view, it's very refreshing and charming to find someone like yourself, who is not entirely - er - ," he paused, searching for a word, "not entirely polished, and attuned, shall we say, to ways at the palace. And if people appear critical of you, it's most unkind, and ill-mannered of them. Personally, I have never heard a single unkind remark about you, and if I did, I would take great care to ensure that it would never be uttered again."

"That's very sweet of you, Woo Bin," I said. "But it's obvious to me, and everyone else, that I'm just not cut out to be an empress. I'm not good at meeting people,  and all the time I keep thinking about how - how it must have been at the palace before, when she was here, and did it all so naturally, so easily. And I just keep comparing myself to her, and I just can't measure up. I lack all those things - confidence, grace, beauty, intelligence, wit - all the qualities that matter most in a woman, in an empress; all those things that I lack, all those things that she possessed. I can't keep up with her, it's no use..."

My voice trailed off miserably.

Woo Bin cleared his throat, looking distressed, and said, "Your Majesty, you must not say that."

"Why not? It's the truth," I said.

"Your Majesty, you have qualities that are just as valuable, just as important, if not more so. I don't profess to know a lot about women , but to me, kindness, and sincerity, and modesty, are worth far more to a man, to a husband, to an emperor, than all the wit and beauty of the world." 

There was a silence after he had finished speaking. I felt the prick of tears at the edge of my eyes, and blinked them away. Dear Woo Bin. How kind he was.

"Thank you, Woo Bin," I said. "What you have said has helped me enormously. I'm not particularly kind, or sincere, or modest, but thank you for saying all those nice things about me, anyway."

"His Majesty would be very worried, very distressed, if he knew how you felt," he said, looking troubled.

"Please, don't tell him," I said.

"No, of course not, Your Majesty," he said, "but, the thing is, I know His Majesty very well, and I can tell you that If he thought that you were worrying about - well - about the past, it would distress him a great deal. He's looking very well now, and fit, but there was a time after the - the incident that he was very ill, and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That's why you are so good for him. You are fresh and young and sensible, you have nothing to do with the past. Forget it, Your Majesty, do not dwell on it. Move forward, and build your own memories with His Majesty. Forge your own path, and do not look back. It was a dark, unhappy period, and it is best forgotten. Remembering it will only rekindle the pain and the grief. None of us want to bring back the past, His Majesty, least of all. And it's up to you, Your Majesty, to lead us away from it."

He was right, of course he was right. Dear Woo Bin, my friend, my ally. 

"I feel happier, much happier, talking to you about this," I said. "And I've got you for my friend, no matter what happens, haven't I?"

"Yes, indeed, Your Majesty," he said.

We had come to the end of our walk and the palace lay before us, serene and peaceful, poised majestically before the lawns, with its perfect symmetry and grace. The sunlight shimmered on the tall glass windows, and there was a soft, golden glow about the stone walls.

"Will you answer one last question, and we will never talk about this again?" I said. "Will you promise to answer me truthfully?"

"I will do my best, Your Majesty," he said.

"Tell me," I said. "Was she very beautiful?"

Woo Bin paused for a long moment. He was looking toward the palace, and I could not see his face.

"Yes," he said slowly. "She was. She was the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen in my life."

I went into the hall, and Woo Bin went back to his work. I walked along the empty passageway, and saw Hyuk approaching in the distance. I was about to call out to him, when I suddenly saw him smile. He was looking to his left; he stopped and waited, and Princess Ari and the nanny came into sight. For some unknown reason, I drew back into the corner, behind a huge pillar, and watched. He bent, and ruffled the child's hair, who smiled, and lisped, "Your Majesty", and curtsied prettily. He nodded at the nanny, who had bowed low when she saw him, and had kept her hands folded before her, her head bent low, her eyes downcast. He went on his way, and the nanny straightened slowly. To my surprise, instead of going on her way, she turned, and was gazing at his tall, departing back. She stood still, staring after him, following him with her eyes until he had disappeared around the bend. She turned back, and I saw her face clearly; her eyes were welling with tears, filled with abject misery, and longing. The tears ran down the gaunt cheeks, unchecked. The child tugged at her hand impatiently; she came to with a start, and dashed away her tears, then knelt down and hugged the child to her, her face suffused with pain, and sadness, and love. I did not recognize her any longer; a stranger stood in her place, whose face was filled with that aching sadness and a grief beyond words, that tore at my heart. A palace maid approached from a passageway, bearing a vase of flowers from the garden, and the nanny straightened at once, took the child's hand in hers, and went on her way. She passed me, hiding behind the pillar, so close that I could have reached out and touched her. Her face was no longer the tortured face that I had glimpsed at a brief second ago; the mask had slipped back on, and the hollow eyes were cold, and lifeless once more.