THAT ‘GROW TOGETHER’ TYPE LOVE

You blink twice before reading the phrase again. The first thing you read in Friday morning. It's the phrase on Sungjin's cap, which is on the bedside table, that he made you wear last night.

You were clouded and overwhelmed by everything that you were not able to process anything. The hug, the intertwined fingers, the things that you talked about. Now that you’re awake and that your mind is clearer than yesternight, heat creeps up your cheeks and butterflies go wild in your tummy.

You clench the pillow and bury your face more on it before you slide in the duvet to hide yourself more. You shut your eyes tightly as you try to suppress the overpowering feeling that’s inundating you. But the more you try to brush it all away, the more his words from last night become clearer in your head that they almost seem audible.

“So childish, right?” You chuckle bitterly. You’re both seated on the bench after you had calmed down. Fingers still locked with each other’s inside the pocket of his jacket. You cleared your throat and sniffed before exhaling softly. “Storming out of the house out of petty things and made myself look dumb and foolish and let myself freeze to death. Although, I didn’t really need a knight in shining armor, but thanks.”

Sungjin glanced on your forearm. His gaze traced the figure of it until it landed at the bulge on his pocket where both of your hands were in. He kept mum and let you continue.

“I lived in a castle of lies and deception. I was made to believe that I was a princess and suddenly I was treated as a trash.” You swallowed the lump in your throat, which was hard for you to do so. You moistened your lip as another set of teasing tears tried to escape. “I never knew I’d cry about it again. I haven’t shed a single tear about this for eight years. And for that eight d*mn years,” Sungjin slowly flipped his head towards you when he heard you cursed, “he didn’t come see me. Neither just to check on me. Text? Call? Huh! Do we live in the era with no cellphones and computers? And he’d appear one day as if nothing happened? He even brought his--” you let out an exasperated sigh as you looked up to prevent a tear from falling.

“You know…” Sungjin suddenly mumbled, which you didn’t expect. You stayed still as you waited what he’d say. “You were once his princess,” you felt him squeeze your hand gently, “but someday, someone will make you feel you’re a queen, and you deserve nothing but the best.”

You glanced at him and smirked before shaking your head slowly. “I don’t need to be treated as a royalty. And I don’t really need the best. I just need someone’s bravery and honesty. Someone who might not act as a king and a hero; I'm done with dreams and fantasies. I need someone who may just be simple, but is brave enough to take all the obstacles just not to let me go. Someone who’s transparent enough to not wrap me with fallacies and is courageous enough to tell me the truth even if it’d hurt me because he knows that letting me be surrounded by deceit wouldn’t only hurt me but would also destroy me.”

You felt his thumb brush the back of your palm. He couldn’t help but chin up because at this very moment he felt so proud of how strong you are yet he wanted to wrap you in his arms once again and sap all of your burden or even just half of it.

“You’ve always been a matured child,” you raised a brow when you heard him say ‘child’, “and you sure have grown and became more mature.”

“Is that a bad thing?” You plastered a small smile. “I can’t actually wait to be an adult and live alone. Mind my own life and don’t give a sh*t about anyone and anything.”

He furrowed his forehead. “That’s your second cuss for tonight.” You just chuckled. “It’s not really a bad thing, though. It’s just that… It feels like you’re forcing things. You handle things on your own, you don’t seem to have fun like you used to, you’re trying to be responsible more than you need to be. It’s like you’re growing so fast and you’re forgetting you’re still on your youth.”

“Because I’m not a child anymore. And forcing things?” You shrugged. “Maybe? As I’ve said, I can’t wait. I want to grow up fast. Life is a sport, and you gotta win the race.”

“Maybe life is a sport, but it doesn’t mean it’s a marathon. Sometimes you gotta take it slow.” He smiled. “I get it, you’re a runner. But not all sport needs you to be fast. Sometimes you just need to know and understand the sport well, this life, and learn how to play it without forgetting that there are still other aspects to consider to win. Life is a journey, too, you know? Because in a race, you’re focused on reaching the finish line. But in a journey, you get to enjoy and appreciate every little thing you pass by. In your race, your finish line is being an adult. But you gotta understand that being an adult doesn’t mean you’re a winner. When you reach your finish line, what then? Would you feel genuinely happy and would you feel the victory? You’d just be exhausted from running fast, being focused on that single thing. Sometimes the victory is not beyond the finish line, but what’s around you. When you build something--your life, yourself--you do it carefully, slowly but surely, yet you also need to learn how to enjoy the process. When you build something in haste, it would crumble easily.”

At first, you didn’t like it when he started speaking about how life’s not a marathon . But as he went on, you understood what he meant. You knew he had a point. You chuckled at his last line.

“Is that you being an engineer?” You beamed. “Taking it slow?” You looked down and whispered with a hint of sadness, “No wonder you’re taking too slow to come to me.”

He slowly released a soft breath. It's almost inaudible but he still heard you.

“It’s just me making my future--my life, and my partner-to-be--to not crumble easily.” You looked up at him, confused at what he’s trying to say. He wants his future to be stable, yes, you got that. But his partner-to-be? He has been telling you all those stuff, that the sport called life is not a marathon-like sport, and suddenly he’s telling you he wants his future partner to not crumble easily, too. Was he talking about you? Or was he pertaining to someone else? Is there someone in his life now? Or was he talking about someone who hasn’t come yet?

He met your eyes with full of devotion and admiration. Was it just your imagination? He smiled. “I’m sorry for not catching up. But with you moving so fast, and me taking things slowly, surely, I won’t be able to catch up. So maybe we can meet in the middle? Years have passed already. And now, I’m sure I can take things faster. So, can you slow down a bit so I can reach you?”

Looking back, you nodded as if you understood what he was trying to say. But now, with eyes wide open, you still can’t figure out what it was about. Was he trying to say that he feels the same way but you just need to slow down a bit? But slow down in what? And does he really feel the same? He’s confusing you again.

You groan before getting up. You glance at the cap and take it. Suddenly someone knocks on the door of the room. Yeah, right. I’m in Sungjin’s room. You ruffle your hair. You didn’t want to go home last night because you didn’t like the idea of staying in the same place with a stranger and you were so tired to argue with him about where to sleep so you just agreed when he insisted that you'd sleep in their house--in his room.

You put the cap on the table again, get up and fix his bed. “I'm up.”

The door flips open and as he enters your vision, you feel your heartbeat rises, you clench your pants.

“Good morning,” he beams as he leans on the frame.

As if your heart isn't being wild right now, it even does flips. And as if you're not yet melting, you remember him holding your hand all night. The effect may be delayed, but it's doubled.

You return the smile and gather the things he made you wear last night--jacket, glove, and cap. You stride towards him. You look up at him when you reach the door and as his eyes meet yours, you feel your knees weaken.

“Uhm,” you gulp, “I'll wash these first before giving them back.”

He straightens up and gets his stuff from you. “No need for that.” He pauses a bit when he gets the cap. He stares at it for a moment before glancing at you. “Keep this,” he states as he puts the cap on your head like he did last night.

The pounding on your chest becomes stronger when you remember what's the phrase embroidered on the cap and the fact that he looked at it before giving it to you.

THAT ‘GROW TOGETHER’ TYPE LOVE.

All you can do is sigh. Sungjin, you're making me crazy. Crazily confused.

-

Do you all recognize that cap of Sungjin? AAAAH! I'd probably melt every time I'd see a pic of him wearing that cap! Anyway, thoughts?