You know, in hindsight, I probably should've seen this coming. It wasn't my intention to fall in love with her. In fact, never in a million years would I have ever thought this could happen. But the universe had different plans for me I suppose. It's not a problem honestly. I can handle loving her. She doesn't have to know what happens to my heart whenever she's around. It doesn't have to be complicated.
 

I wish it didn't hurt this much though.

* * *

Jennie and I have been friends for about 7 years now. After moving from Australia to Korea, she was the first friend I made. We met in the dance academy I joined shortly after settling down in Korea. Conveniently enough, she was one of the few students who could speak fluent English and I took a liking to her immediately. Her cool demeanor when she danced and her soft personality whenever she wasn't appealed to my heart. Suffice to say, it wasn't long before we became inseparable.

We were considered a unit, even back then. Rosé and Jennie. Jennie and Rosé. Jennie Kim and Park Chaeyoung. Never one without the other.

It was easy. Being with her.

That is. Until it wasn't.

 

It all started when Kim 'Kai' Jongin joined the academy. Now, let me say right off the bat that he was one of the sweetest boys I personally have ever met. He was kind and dependable and hilarious and . . . well. You probably know where I'm going with this. Apparently he was totally Jennie's type. Her words. Not mine. And of course, at the time, this wasn't a problem at all. In fact, I was absolutely over the moon happy for her. She has good taste, I could say that much.

Anyway, so inevitably, they start talking and hanging out and having fun and enjoying one another's presence and all that jazz and eventually, they started going out.

For the first few months, everything was smooth sailing. We were all happy. Kai and Jennie were 'in love' and I was just happy my best friend was happy. It was all great.

Until one night, when Jennie came over to my apartment, stupid drunk, after a fight with Kai. To this day, I'm not sure what exactly they fought about. I mean, I would've inquired more about it if it wasn't for. . .

Well. You'll see.

So, Jennie was drunk. I was concerned. She was a crying mess and I was her handkerchief for the night. I didn't mind of course but like, damn, how much snot can one girl produce?

I took her to my room after she calmed down a bit and ran her a hot bath. During the time I spent doing that, Jennie thought it would be a splendid idea if she took off all her clothes, save her undergarments, and took a small nap right there on my bed.

I came back to find her snuggling my pillow and getting tears and snot all over it.

I couldn't find it in my heart to be annoyed. She just looked so adorable.

Warning bells, much?

I let her rest for a while before going to wake her up, knowing if she slept like that she's gonna wake up feeling like pure .

"Hey..." I said softly, placing my hand on her arm. "Jen?"

"Mhmmnph." Came her graceful reply.

"I ran you a hot bath. Go on, it'll help you relax and maybe we can avoid a hangover, yeah?"

I pushed some stray hairs out of her face and rested my hand on her cheek. She seemed to really enjoy this, if the pleased humming that came from her was any indication.

"Don't wanna. Am comfy." She said, voice heavy with sleep.

"Jennie. Come on, I'll help you u--" Before I could finish my sentence, Jennie grabbed the hand that was reaching out to pick her up and pulled me down on top of her. She put both her arms behind my back and locked me in place.

Millions of thoughts were flitting through my head and in that moment, I felt like I was on the brink of something forbidden. Something wonderful and amazing and terribly off limits.

"J-Jen?"

"Shhh..."

She was looking at me through half lidded eyes and believe me when I say that I wanted nothing more than to just look away, stomp down on whatever emotions this was awakening in me and just leave it at that. Simple enough. But no. Obviously that didn't happen.

Thanks a lot universe, you .

As I was laying on top of her, our bodies intertwined and flush against one another, I felt my heart race so fast I was sure it would've won at least three or four gold medals in the Olympics.

Yes, I have no idea how the Olympics work. Don't shame me.

"How are you so pretty, Rosie?" Jennie whispered and she looked genuinely confused, like she expected a serious answer.

"Probably because you're drunk out of your mind." I muttered, making sure to keep my face as far away from her as possible without actually straining my neck.

"No. No it's...it's something else." I felt one of her hands slowly travel upwards and cup my cheek, and the other gently gripped my waist. "You're so..."

And then she kissed me.

She kissed me and I didn't know what to do and a thousand alarms were ringing in my head and a million more were yelling at me to stop but I was frozen. Jennie held me in place with her soft hand on my cheek and I was crumbling. She started moving her lips and I danced along with her.

Gosh, her lips were so soft it felt like it could melt away at any moment if I wasn't careful enough. So I was careful. I was tender and gentle and so was she.

We kissed for what felt like hours until I felt Jennie's hand in my hair and her tongue in my mouth and I finally realized how messed up this was.

How utterly wrong.

I quickly broke the kiss and scrambled away and out of bed.

Jennie just laid there, staring up at my ceiling before saying in a quiet, broken voice. "I don't think I love him anymore, Rosie."

And then she suddenly sat upright with her hand over .

Oh no, not on my bed please. Came the voice of my one coherent braincell.

She threw herself out of my bed and went past me into the bathroom.

I stood there for a moment, listening to her retch her guts out. I wanted to go in and help but I couldn't make my body move.

After a few seconds of standing and thinking and contemplating, I came to the solid decision that there was no way in hell I was gonna let whatever just happened ruin our friendship. Jennie was most likely not gonna remember what happened and I wasn't gonna remind her.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be normal. I reassured myself.

And so that's how it all began.

*
*
*

The next day, there was a tearful reunion in my living room as Kai profusely apologized for whatever he said and Jennie, after teasing him for a good while, decided to forgive him.

And because they're a pair of s, they had the audacity to start making out right in front of me.

The internal conflict within me as I watched all of this unfold was unbelievable. As I watched them make out (not in a creepy kind of way, but in a Guys What The I'm Right Here kind of way) , one part of my brain was fawning over how cute they were while the other was just chanting 'that should be me' over and over again.

Yup. This was gonna be fun.

Jennie, predictably, didn't seem to remember anything from the night before and I was glad. I was surprisingly good at acting like everything was alright even though my heart was tied to a chair in my torso with duct tape over its mouth to prevent it from spilling any unwanted feelings. Yes. That is adequate.

And so after making the couple eat breakfast, I promptly kicked them out of my apartment lest they decided that hmm, this couch seems very suitable for doing naughty deeds on.

Now that's a sight I could live my life not seeing.

I spent the next couple of weeks trying to perfect my This Does Not Affect Me At All face. Although it was truly so hard when I had to be around Jennie while we had to dance in only a sports bra and pants. And the added torture if she decided to wear shorts instead.

Honestly, kudos to me for surviving that without anyone getting suspicious. A girl can longingly gaze at her best friend for so long before someone starts to notice something amiss. So I made sure I stared at her just the right amount. No room for suspicions and my daily heart-eyeing-at-best-friend quota would be fulfilled.

I was such a superstar.

Okay, enough bragging.

The thing with secretly being in love with your best friend is that every little thing she does is now amplified a hundredfold in your brain. Oh my god, she just winked at me. What does that mean? Does it mean anything?? Of course it doesn't, , she has winked at you a thousand times before and she will again.

But alas, the paranoid thoughts were persistent. Nagging on the edges of my brain like fire ants until I indulged in them for an acceptable amount of time.

After a while, I started to get the hang of it. Regulating my breathing to a normal pace if she happened to be too close. Willing my palms to stop sweating whenever we held hands. Forcing my eyes away anytime she looked a bit too enticing. I was handling all these pretty well, if I do say so myself. That is, until . . .

"We broke up."

"What?!? Why???"

Jennie flopped down on my bed and rubbed her face with one hand.

"It just...wasn't working anymore. I wasn't...I wasn't as serious as he was and. It just--We had to."

"Oh."

I laid down beside her and thought about what this meant for me. Like a selfish bastard.

I held her hand and slowly rubbed circles on it with my thumb.

"How are you feeling?"

"Well. I feel a bit...uneasy. I know I'm supposed to be all sad or whatever but I'm...not? I feel a bit...free," She her side, facing me. I didn't look at her. "Is that wrong?"

"No. No, I don't think it is."

"Okay." She let out a deep breath. "Okay, good."

And we lay there for a while, not saying anything. It was so . . . nice. I felt so light. I felt as though I might float away if I let go of Jennie's hand. So I didn't.

Neither did she.

* * *

Word of the breakup got around fast and although no one would ask outright, it was obvious everyone was thinking it.

What could possibly be the reason?

This went on for a few days and I commend Jennie for her cool impassivity during all this. It's must've been hard, pretending not to hear when somebody was oh so clearly talking about you. I managed to scare a few away by glaring daggers but that didn't stop most.

Plus, Jennie always said my meanest glare was equal to a day old kittens tiny meow so . . .

Why do I even like her?

I guess I was too busy thinking about that instead of paying attention because I was jolted back to real life by a harsh yell of my name by our instructor.

"Gosh, where is your attention these days? You've been slacking off. Stay behind to practice this part and only go home when you've perfected it. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am." I mumbled, embarrassed.

"May I stay behind too and help her?" Jennie spoke up and I felt a rush of relief go through me.

"Very well. As long as you get the job done."

And that is how I ended up trying to will my heart rate to go back to normal as Jennie corrected my form with her delicate fingers on my waist from behind and her other hand under my chin.

"Keep your head straight, don't look down or up. Straight ahead."

Pfft, straight she says. I have to laugh.

"It is straight." I said through gritted teeth.

"Not from where I'm standing."

"Then stand somewhere else, genius." I said, lightly stepping on her toes.

She chuckled before finally stepping back and letting me breathe again.

"You know, you're a really difficult student."

"And you're a really annoying teacher." I went over my to bag and took out my water bottle.

"Annoying because I'm right and you're wrong?"  God, how I wanted to wipe that stupid smug smile off her face.

I flipped her off while taking a sip of water. She chuckled lowly as she came over and took my water bottle, locking eyes with me as she drank from it.

Hot.

I teared my eyes away in case they tried to wander and started packing up my things.

"Hey. You mad?" She asked, crouching near me, head tilted.

"No."

"You sound kinda mad."

"Get your ears checked then."

"Yikes. Cranky, are we?" She moved a bit closer and whispered, "You want me to help get you relaxed?"

The suggestive tone wasn't lost on me but my brain automatically filtered it into the Friendly Flirting bin.

"Sure, Jen. Do your magic."

First mistake.

Jennie naturally took this as some sorta challenge and lightly pushed me back with a finger to my chest. And then she proceeded to climb onto my lap and make herself comfortable.

"Uhhh..."

Second mistake.

The finger previously on my chest moved up to my lips and she shushed me.

I was beyond confused and even more mesmerized by whatever it was that was happening. I gulped loudly and I guess she heard it because she smiled in that infuriatingly teasing way she did and I wanted to hit her.

For a while, neither of us did or said anything. The only thing that could be heard was the sound of my embarrassingly laboured breaths and her slightly uneven ones.

Finally, tantalisingly slow, she traced my lips with the tip of her finger and I felt a deep shudder go through my entire body.

What the actual is happening?

"Jennie..."

.

I did not mean for that to come out so needy and desperate.

One second, my brain is freaking out about how to go about this situation and the next second I felt it literally stop functioning as I, once again, felt Jennie's soft lips on mine as she cupped both my cheeks with her hands.

A surprised mmph came out of me before I gripped her waist and returned the kiss.

This one was just as slow and gentle as our first kiss, I would say even more so. She moved with such sure languidness that I felt myself shatter under her touch. Everything was sparkling and everything was exploding. She started slowly moving her hips against mine and I was ashamed at how visceral my reaction to that was, my grip on her tightening. She took my bottom lip in between her teeth and tugged, forcing me to open my eyes and look into hers, as she torturously nibbled on it.

This is enjoying this.

Naturally, I glared at her and she immediately burst into laughter, ruining the entire moment but also not. She put her head on my shoulder and silently laughed at me and I didn't even mind.

Pathetic.

"Oh, Rosie. What ever am I gonna do with you?"

She buried her face into my neck and hugged me tight, inhaling deep.

That was the last straw.

"I'm in love with you." I blurted out.

She started laughing harder.

Huh.

"What?" I demanded, a bit offended now.

"No no, it's just..." She started, then sighed. "You're so cute."

"Okay..."

"I love you too, idiot."

"Wait, really?"

By now, you all can guess what she did.

Yes she laughed even harder.

And I fell even deeper.

And it was so perfect.

And then she kissed me again.

And again. And again.