Would you forgive me if I said,

I can't be with you? 

You deserve her, Jungkook.

She's better than me. She won't hurt you like what I did. 

She can take good care of you more than me. 

She isn't messed up like me.

She isn't tainted like me.

She won't give you complicated arguments. 

And even if seeing you with her instead of me, felt like dying...

What still keeps me alive is the desire to see your beautiful smile even though I'm no longer the cause of it.

Jeon Jungkook,

You own my heart.

But I wasn't meant to own yours.

A tragic sad love story

Star-crossed like Romeo and Juliet.

Yet you said we're not them.

You said, you are ready to defy fate.

How is it possible, my love? 

When in the first place, 

I am the problem. 

The world scarred me too much that I don't even know if I'm still fixable.

Baby, you're the only reason why I'm still breathing. 

I'm scared, Jungkook. 

What if my sadness is contagious? 

You wouldn't fit with someone like me. You are better off without me.

I couldn't stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists.

I couldn't stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes. If ever that happens again.

You will only live in fear, Jungkook.

You won't be able to leave me, because you'd know if you did, I wouldn't have anything to live for.

So stay away from me before it's too late. Because, I still want you back.

ー Lalisa M.

2022

( November, Winter )

Jungkook gave me two choices before he left. One is to go meet him at the central park after a month. And two is to leave the country again and this time it's for good. Of course, I didn't choose the latter even if that means neglecting everything and messing up with fate.

I spend the remaining nights crying in my Jisoo eonnie's arms as she tucked me on my bed, comforting me some words that draws me to sleep before I can do something that will harm myself and on days I have been scolded by Roseanne a lot of times for always being late when it comes to work. She said, I should be professional and not mixed personal problems when it comes to business. 

That was probably my everyday routine before the dreaded day has come. 

With a hesitant mind, I turned off the engine of my car as I stare at my reflection on the left side mirror.

Still with my indecisive thoughts, I walked out of my car and voluntarily hugged myself with the coldness of the weather today. I pressed the lock button of my car key and started heading my way to the said place.

A few more walks and I finally saw the sight of his back, he is facing the playground. There's still a few people left here, a few playing kids with their mom watching them and teenager couples. I smiled absentmindedly just by admiring his broad shoulders and toned back. 

When did I stop loving this man? Because as far as I know, I never did.

A long sighed escape