KANG HANA

I know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I can fall for someone again like how I fell in love with Kim Joonmyeon. I don’t think I can ever replace those seven years I had spent loving someone so much like him that I gave everything away; left nothing for myself.

And even though I had long forgiven Joonmyeon for moving on with his life without me in his plans, I still continue to think of him from time to time. The years we spent together. The feelings we had for each other. The memories we had. The tears and smiles we shared.

How can I stop falling for those? Or better yet recreate them with another person other than him? I do not have an answer to that yet.

So, I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone while taking care of Joonhee.

The thought of my little girl, Joonhee, makes me smile, distracting me from my poignant thoughts. She was an angel sent to me. The day she came into my life, it was as if heaven breathed air into my lungs once more and painted it with different colors. And so she gave me another purpose. She filled in the void in my heart. And although I thought of Joonmyeon from time to time, I no longer got hurt just by thinking of him. Yes, I still miss him, but I don’t feel broken anymore.

I feel complete even if I am just by myself. No. Now that I think of it, I am not really alone. Joonhee’s there. Baekhyun is, too. My mom and I had a fall out, but our relationship is getting better. And well, my father has been there for me all along; I could never ask for another father.

My eyes stray heavenward and I see the sky has turned an amber shade with hints of yellow and red. The blind dates I went to took so much of my time. Now, the day is about to end and I just wasted it.

I sigh in frustration. This was one rare Sunday to come by only once in a week and I regret spending it like this. So, I don’t look back at the restaurant where I had escaped from.

I feel sorry for Sehun who had come to meet his date. If only Jisoo was not sick and came, they could have gotten along fine and probably even started dating. But then he had to bear with me whose heart was not there.

I was planning to go on the date, knowing the flow wouldn’t be any different from my hundred other blind dates: odd date introduces himself, calls me however he wants, will ask me questions, but will eventually turn the conversation around so that it is all about them. I was prepared to give the usual short responses and obligatory flattery, but Sehun had asked me a question that none of my old blind dates ever asked; a question that he unexpectedly asked. That I was so taken aback.

“How do you want me to address you?”

So, I was not sure how to respond. I had no idea how to when suddenly the conversation was all about me. It flustered me, especially with the fact that I had assumed so many things about him already; that he was just as half-hearted and insensitive as the other guys. But he was not. So, I thought he did not deserve to be treated like them, and I decided he deserved my honesty at least.

He deserves someone that is willing to get to know him. He did not deserve to be played with, that was what I thought.

I know I would look bad to my friends or to his friends because of how stupid it was of me to say the truth in such a way I couldn’t keep my word to Sooyoung, but I thought it was the right thing to do at that moment.

And I am right. Now, I feel better that I don’t have to intentionally lie to anyone or pretend that I am interested.

The streets are filled with a mix of different people. Some who are just going back home. Some that are just off to work. Some who went out to have fun. Some who are running errands. Some who are having coffee. Some having a date with their loved ones. Some who just want to have a walk, a breath of fresh air. I guess, I fit into that last category. Now, that I do not have to think about any kind of responsibility, not thinking of anything at all feels so light.

My heart sways to the song I am humming. I look right and left and smile at the little things happening around me as I walk on the side street. Everyone’s just so alive around me. I could have been one of those happy people, but I chose to live a meek life. I don’t regret it, but sometimes I wonder how would it feel like to be loved by someone other than my family?

It probably would have felt nice.

I hear a ping and something vibrates in my pants’ pocket. I fish out my phone and see something displayed on the lit up screen:

Alarm:
Buy new neighbour a cake!

My eyes light up as I remember my original plan today after going to my first blind date. I almost forgot buying my new neighbour a house warming gift. Thankfully, I keep notes on my calendar. This saves me time instead of buying it another day.

So, I look for the closest pastry shop and buy my neighbour a box of Blueberry Cheesecake. I don’t know what he likes or if he even eats pastries, but I bought cheesecake since it is my favourite. What’s wrong about sharing what I like to eat with my neighbour? I mean, he won’t know that unless I tell him.

Then I continue on my walk home since it’s really near the area I am at and since I did not bring a car with me.  I am singing a song in my head and I don’t really pay attention to my surroundings. Everything around me is just like a blur of colours now that my mind is only focused on going back home.

I continue to hum a recent bop song that I heard from the radio that I forgot the title of. Until I hear my name being called, so I turn around to the direction where the voice was coming from, but I only see a whole bunch of people I don’t recognize even when I crane my neck and look left and right.

“Must be my imagination,” I tell myself and then turn back around, giving up the search.

The crowd is finally thinning as I get closer to home and I suddenly feel the biting cold weather and the loneliness of the evening as it is only me and this box of cake in my hand against the world. I feel lonely often, but I feel even lonelier tonight. It’s just that the day should have been mine alone and I could have spent it pampering myself, but I ended up going to an unwanted blind date and I feel like a total jerk abandoning Oh Sehun. He ended up wasting his time like I did mine.

I know there’s no point beating up myself for something I did not intend to do but I’m naturally someone who easily feels sorry for someone. It’s just that—

I jump in surprise at someone repeatedly hitting their car horn, my heart beating so fast in lightning speed at the disturbing noise. My soul almost left me that I instinctively found myself looking for the offender with laser eyes and I find someone familiar at the side of the road riding his car while suppressing a laugh. Oh Sehun. He must have seen my reaction to that thing he pulled off that he has the nerv