OH SEHUN

I get out of my apartment for the first time today and come to a halt across from my neighbor’s door. I am not sure what I am doing, but I raise my hand to knock. She shouldn’t be asleep yet at this time, right? Do I really want her to open the door and see me?

“It just can’t be,” I tell myself, but I’m too curious to know whether what I heard this morning was right.

‘Hana this’, ‘Hana that’.

From what I heard from the man she was with her name should be Hana. Is she the same Hana I knew? That just can’t be. Hana took off four years ago and since then has been nowhere to be found. As if she is a ghost that appeared and then disappeared in a blink of an eye.

But I did not see her face. The kid—her daughter—was blocking it from my view. Yet her voice sounded like Hana’s. It sounded so familiar that I was beyond astonished to hear it. Had me disarmed once again despite the walls I put up so high. That voice that still haunts me even in my dreams. She just won’t go away and now she’s suddenly in front of me.

I let my hand go back to my side when I realize something: she would have recognized me from when we rode the elevator together if she’s truly the Kim Hana I knew. But what if she just pretended not to know me because of her husband and child? That must be it or I am completely wrong and a stranger is actually living right across from me.

I run my fingers through my hair and sigh. I can’t tear my eyes from her door.  I am dying to know the truth: whether this is her or I am just messing with my own mind even after four years. I shouldn’t even be reacting this way. I shouldn’t have been excited or anxious when I heard that name. I had promised myself she will not control me. She will not make me weak. But here I am, at her door, wanting to see her.

It takes me a lot of courage and some convincing before I decided to back off. It will only make her proud that she has me easily looking for her if I just suddenly appear like this. I only have my pride left. I better leave it that way for my own sake.

So, I just left and decided to meet my friends at a nearby café in 2nd street.

When I push the door open to the café, the aroma of coffee wafts to my nose in a frenzy and that somehow calms me. I see Chanyeol waving at me like crazy from a nearby table and I shake my head with the way he’s acting. He’s also already twenty-eight of years, but he’s still a kid. Jongin who shouts my name, announcing it to the entire café, is just the same. I sigh at his childishness and he laughs at this. His life nowadays consists of annoying me and so I’m sure he feels content every time I sigh because of him. Then there’s Kyungsoo who balances our group of four. I have nothing to complain about him for now. So far, he’s been the most decent friend I can speak to about serious things without being laughed at.

I sit on the chair they left for me and we order something to warm us; it is winter after all. It’s pretty cold outside and I am just wearing a baggy hoodie sweater I found from inside my luggage. I have just come home from the US after two months because of a very important business deal and it was so hot there that I feel like I am about to have a flu with the sudden change of weather and freezing temperature.

Chanyeol’s first words though suddenly bother me that the cold temperature becomes the least of my worries. “So, you told us to meet because you think you’re next door neighbour is Kim Hana.”

“What?!” Jongin’s loud voice echoes and he becomes embarrassed when he notices everyone already looking at our group. He looks at me sheepishly when he notices me glaring at him already and in a low voice he says, “is that true? Did you really see her?” He leans in closer, waiting for my affirmation. Jongin just loves gossips so this is normal for him.

I wait for Kyungsoo to also say something just like them but he just waits for me patiently to say anything. He’s so calm about this that I am not sure whether to be thankful or worried. When I don’t hear him say anything I sigh and nod slightly.

“I think I heard her companion say her name and her voice… I cannot be mistaken. She sounded like the Kim Hana I know,” I tell them and interlace my fingers on the table as I ponder about my own memory of this afternoon.

To be honest, I have imagined the moment we meet again so many times. I have seen her and me in different situations; happy and sad ones. But I have not ever imagined that I will see her again after four years with a husband or much less a child. Just the thought of it breaks me even more even if I vowed four years ago never to trust her again and to forget her.

I don’t think I ever prepared myself to see her with a family of her own other than me that’s why I am so bothered just thinking of this afternoon. All I thought in the past is that she will be unhappy for the rest of her life for leaving me.

“So, what will you do now if it is Kim Hana?” Kyungsoo is the one to ask. He looks at me and takes a sip of his black coffee. 

Chanyeol nods at this and adds, “she left you alone in the past. You should not involve yourself with her if it’s really her.”

“That woman is a bad woman. I still get mad whenever I think of her,” Jongin comments, his eyebrows meeting furiously.

His words comfort me, but I try my best to school my expression and drink my own mug of hot chocolate. “She doesn’t affect me at all.” Biggest lie of the century. “But I think it will be very uncomfortable to live on the same floor as hers and bump onto her in the hallways,” I tell them seriously.

“So, what is your plan?” Kyungsoo asks the most important question once more. He just knows what to ask me to corner me at the best moment.

I lean back on my chair and cross my arms over my chest as I think hard. “I will probably move out of there if I prove it’s her. I guess, we can never live in the same space again, you know.”

It will be truly hard for me to live in the same space as Kim Hana ever again. Not because I hate her so much to the point I may do something bad to her to spite her. But because I know that I will not do anything. I’m ju