Jongwoon survived the day underneath Yesung, he managed to keep the character he was donned into. He managed to speak and laugh with the other members, even though it was forced. He managed to smile without breaking apart.

He was glad. 

He stared hallowly on the streets they pass by in the van as they head home. He saw the happy smile that people holds up in their faces as they chatter happily with the person they were with. He saw people who is obviously devastated, obvious from the frown they held in their faces. But light shone in their eyes, Jongwoon could see it as he stared at them. They still held hope for tomorrow. Jongwoon hated looking at the streets full of people the most. Each street held life, as they live in the ever busy city of Seoul. 

He shook his head and tore his gaze away from it. It always made Jongwoon more depress, seeing people full of life and hope for tomorrow. It made him jealous. So so jealous of how strong they were. He stared at the person besides him, Leeteuk, with a lifeless smile. His eyes downcast. Leeteuk slept peacefully, but Jongwoon could see the bags underneath the leader's eyes. 

Jongwoon hated himself for failing to support Leeteuk more. Leeteuk had the lives of all the members on his shoulder, and as one of the oldest hyung, he was expected to help Leeteuk to carry the load. But he failed miserably and ended being one of the heaviest load on Leeteuk's shoulder. He despised himself for being a burden. Only Leeteuk and Kangin knew of his fight with depression, as the leader has every right to know. And Kangin found out accidently. A story he will dwell in next time. 

He brought his gaze towards the streets again, and slowly let his eyelids drop. After another day of acting, Jongwoon was tired.

He needed energy to survive tomorrow as well.

...

He was gently woken with a small tap on his lap. Jongwoon was a very light sleeper, which makes sleeping a whole lot harder for him as he can wake up abruptly with the slightest of sound. He blinked for a few second, before facing the person whom woke him up. He saw Leeteuk smiling gently. "We're here Jongwoon-ah, lets go." He nodded numbly and fixed his things quickly as the members started going out of the van at a very fast pace. 

When he finished fixing his stuff, no one was left except him. He hurriedly went down, only to see the members at the elevator already. He wondered idly how they got there suddenly but dismissed the thought as Donghae may have shouted that he was diving in first to the bathroom, in which the other members won't allow.  He stopped for a few moment, staring at the group together without him, fighting and joking around as they went inside the elevator without him. 

He smiled bitterly. Yeah it was better without him. The elevator only allows 10 passengers for each trip and they fit perfectly without him. They didn't need a useless eleventh member. 

He heads towards the stairs with a sunken look on his face, as the image of the members without him was stuck on his head. 

It was always better without him. 

And that thought alone made him smile pathetically to himself.

...

When he arrived at the seventh floor using the stairs, his breath was ragged. He regrets using the stairs for a few seconds, before taking in a deep breath and made his way towards their dorm. He turned the door know only for him to know that it was locked. He paused, wavering if he should knock or use the hidden key underneath the rag. He decided on the latter since he didn't want to bother the members any longer. He crouched and took the key underneath the rag and opened the door quietly as possible. He could hear the shouts of his fellow members towards the direction of the bathroom which was a room away from his bedroom. 

He sighed on the fact that they might notice him coming in. He quietly walked in, walking only on his tip toes and made his way on his room to rest. He passed by the living room and saw Kyuhyun and Leeteuk sitting on the sofa watching the TV. He raised a brow at the odd pairing, but shrugged it off and continued to make his way towards his room. 

When he arrived at the corner towards his room, the shouts began to grow louder. Jongwoon sighs and silenly made his way towards his room again, turning a blind eye to Eunhyuk who was being chocked by Kangin. But damn his clumsiness as he tripped and almost fell if not for his hands that supported him. A small curse left his lips, and that was enough for him to gain attention from the members. 

"Woonie-hyung, what are you doing?" Donghae asked, peeking from behind Heechul who had a bunch of Shindong's hair tightly in his grip. Heechul snorted and released Shindong. "Probably tripped, Jongwoon's always clumsy anywhere." Jongwoon could feel his cheek burn in embarrassment. Suddenly he heard Shindong's loud laughter, then followed closely by the other members. "Like that time in the practice room, he suddenly tripped and fell over Ryeowook!" Now they were laughing so hard now. 

Jongwoon laughed awkwardly and slowly went inside. 

He wanted to turn into a small ball now and slowly disappear into nothing. He was so ashamed of himself. But his clumsiness and weirdness was one of selling point. He had to keep it up for the members to talk about him in variety show, their stories about him always made the audience laugh. He had to bear it until the end, until they were satisfied and drained the uniqueness of his personality out of him. 

He let himself slide on the door and forced himself not to cry once more. 

He has to keep strong.