Jongwoon stared at the two bottles at his hands, he heaved a sigh and took a pill each from the two bottle. He placed the two bottles in his bedside. He grabbed the water bottle besides his bedside and opened it. He plopped the two pills into his mouth and used the water to wash it down. He sighed once more and took the covers off his bed and laid on it, he could feel his eyelids grow heavy with each passing second and slowly did he lose consciousness.

The thoughts inside his head was something he didn't appreciate. ANd the fact that it was all true, didn't make him feel any less better. Jongwoon knew that he was fighting a losing battle, he knew that he would always lose in the end. HE knew all the things they say about him as true. He was useless, he wasn't talented in any other aspect other than singing- well if you call his mediocre singing way talented- Jongwoon didn't give any other contribution to Super junior. He was never one for dancing, nor was he a variety person. He was just a depressed and full of anxiety person, who was put into a group of talented individuals made to bloom. 

And here he was withering away amidst the garden of blooming talents. 

The dream he had was dark, there was nothing to dream about other than him realizing how useless he had been to all the years he had been breathing. He slowly opened his eyes to see sunlight slipping through the curtains of his room. He blinked for a few seconds, adjusting his eyes to the light. He yawned, and slowly made his to the bathroom. He stared at himself on the mirror, seeing his hallow black eyes. The dark eyebags underneath his eyes. He looked tired- in which is true, he was so goddamn tired of everything to the point that he no longer fought the wave of his thoughts and let it burry him deeper into depression. 

He was just so tired of fighting. He knew he was being selfish, he was always selfish. His eyes drop to the razor on the sink, he picked it up and stared at it, dark thoughts swirling on his head and brought it up to his wrist. 

Will it hurt?

He dragged the sharp edges around the skin of his wrist and slowly pressed it, drawing out blood. He swiped it lightly across his wrist. He smiled pathetically, bringing the razor up again and swiped once more, this time much more deeper and precise. Blood slipped out of every corner of his self inflicted wound. He could feel his eyes stinging up with tears and brought it up for a third time.

"Hyung?"

Jongwoon almost yelped in fright, his eyes widen he threw the razor to the small basket of shampoo and hid his wrist behind him. He wiped of the tears quickly. Good thing that the bathroom was much more bigger than their previous dorm and the sink was covered. He cursed himself, why didn't he close the door, he left it wide open. 

"Yeah?" He croaked out, his voice hoarser than usual. He looked up to see Ryeowook staring at him confused, holding his bath towel. "What are you doing?... its too early for you to be awake." Ryeowook made his way inside the bathroom, not noticing that panicked look Jongwoon had. "I-I couldn't sleep." he cursed himself one more for stuttering. 

Ryeowook looked up to him from the tub, rubbing his eyes. "Sleep for a bit more Hyung, I'll start making breakfast after I shower."

Jongwoon nodded and forced himself to smile for his precious dongsaeng. Ryeowook smiled as well, but frowned when he noticed Jongwoon hiding his left wrist. But he couldn't comment on it any longer because Jongwoon started walking away to his room. He shrugged it off and started stripping himself.

...

Jongwoon made a mental note to clean up the razor later after Ryeowook showers. He sighed in relief to the fact that Ryeowook didn't notice his strange behaviour. He thanked the Gods above that it was Ryeowook hat almost saw him, if it had been Leeteuk or maybe KangIn it would have been messy and with him kneeling infront of the members to explain himself to them. 

Jongwoon didn't want that. 

He doesn't want to bother his fellow members with his existance and his problems. He doesn't want to burden them any longer. He took a deep breath and wipped the tissue across his self inflicted wound. He hissed in pain. He threw the tissue in the trashcan and took a new roll of tissue and pressed it against his wound. He sighed in relief when it stopped bleeding. But staring at the wound made him realize something.

God, how could he have done this? How could he have attempted something like this? How could he destroy the body that brings and gives money to his poor family? 

He smacked himself in the head and forced his tears back. He was a bad son, he was a bad hyung. He was the worsest kind of human there is.

To commit such an act, to commit the act to take his life was a sin to God. 

He bit his lips and let his trembling hands grab the bottle of anti depressant and he took two pills out. He plopped it inside his mouth, hands still trembling. He swallowed it. HE had no water to wash it down so he forced himself to gulp it all down.

He can't let himself wallow in depression when he had a long day of schedule ahead of him. He has to show the world that he was fine, he has to show the world that nothing wasn wrong. He has to... Ha have to be fine, He, Yesung, has to show the world that fake smile and bring profit to his company. 

That was one of the things that gives Jongwoon the strength to wake in the morning and wear a mask.

jongwoon could break apart but Yesung cannot.