Kun groaned as his phone woke him up, ringing shrilly. It had been quite a busy night and it was not even seven yet, judging by the clock in his room. He reached for his phone, wondering who wasn’t letting him sleep.

“Doyoung, I’m sleeping,” he said, voice hoarse.

“Kun, come over right now.”

Kun sat up, hearing the serious tone of Doyoung’s voice. “Is everything okay? Is it the members?”

“No, it’s you. Dammit, what were you thinking, Kun?”

Kun felt a dread set in at the bottom of his heart. He immediately knew what Doyoung was talking about. He just knew. “I’m coming over.”

He dressed quickly, way too quickly for someone whose mind was a whirlwind of quick thoughts and questions, thinking explanations and excuses knowing very well that it was the truth he would have to finally own up to.

He woke up Lucas. “Hey, there’s an emergency. You’re the designated adult until I’m back.”

Lucas blinked. “Wha—Is everything okay? Is there something I can help with?”

Kun smiled at him. “Nothing I can’t manage, I hope. Just take care of stuff here, okay?”

“Of course. Call me if you need anything.”

“I’ll get going then. Bye.”

Lucas walked with him till the door and gave him a packet of chips. “Don’t go hungry.”

Kun waved at him and closed the door behind him.

Lucas looked around the empty living room and said to himself, “I guess, I should fix up breakfast for the kids then.” He didn’t really know what to make except for ramen so he woke up Jaemin who nodded, sleepily, before getting up to make some coffee, cereal and toast for everyone.

Lucas knocked on Ten’s door. “Ten hyung, you didn’t even have dinner. You have to eat some breakfast at least. Just let me give you a tray of food.”

And even though Ten was quite awake and quite hungry, he was too miserable to face the others. So, he said a mild, “I’m not hungry.”

Lucas sighed. “Okay, that’s it.” He turned to the dreamies. “Let’s find a YouTube tutorial on how to pick locks and just…”

“Break into his room and drag him out?” Renjun’s eyes lit up. Chensung cheered.

“Not drag him out exactly. A milder version maybe?”

And that was how they ended up picking the lock of Ten’s room. Before Ten could even say anything, Lucas was slipping into his room after having told the kids, “Let me handle this. You all eat breakfast.”

Lucas stopped after he closed the door behind him because the room was in a mess. “What happened?”

Ten was sitting on the bed, glaring at him. “How dare you break into my room?”

“Did you try redecorating?” Lucas said, gesturing at toppled over box of knickknacks, pictures and books strewn across the floor.

“Your humour is going bad,” Ten said, looking away.

“I think one of your paint bottles broke,” Lucas said. “Wait, I’ll get a cloth to clean it.” He returned with a tray of food which he deposited wordlessly beside Ten and began to clean up the room.

“Throw them away,” Ten said, mournfully picking up a piece of toast.

“Your pictures and sketchbooks? Ten, I’m going to put everything in your shelves. You can sort through them later. If you really don’t want your stuff, I’ll put it in my cupboard until you need them.”

Ten groaned. “Why are you here all kind and wise? Where is my Kun? I need to bother someone.”

Lucas smiled brightly. “I’m the designated adult. Kun had to leave due to some emergency. It’s not serious.”

“He made you the designated adult? Excuse me, I’m elder to you.”

Lucas stood straight and just looked around the room as an answer.

Ten blushed. He began eating and picked up his phone. He caught sight of his reflection and was grateful that Lucas hadn’t commented anything on his appearance because his face was puffy and his eyes were bloodshot, harsh remnants of the past few hours. He unlocked his phone and even though he hadn’t been expecting it, his heart dropped because there was no “good morning” message from Johnny at the usual ten past six at the crack of dawn.

He scrolled up and it saddened him because it seemed like this was the first in what seemed like forever that there wasn’t a text that said, New message from Johns! (6:10 am). So, this was another thing he had taken for granted. He wondered just how many more he would find and whether it would always hurt this much. He closed his eyes and threw away his phone towards his pillow.

Lucas was grumbling. “Why did you throw your sketchbooks? And this is a record…it could have broken. Wow, I’m glad that that painting is still on the wall.”

Ten glared at him. “I couldn’t take it down.”

It dawned on Lucas suddenly. He began to laugh. “Oh my God! You couldn’t reach it, right?”

Ten ignored him, eating his breakfast, watching him clean up his room, listening to his unrelenting commentary.

“Oh,” Lucas picked up a book that was lying spread-eagled on the floor, “I was thinking of asking you. Can I borrow your copy of Crime and Punishment? Since you’re not readin—Oops.” He looked at Ten, guiltily. “I swear, that page fell out on its own.” He picked up the thin sheet of folded paper. “Phew, it’s not from the book. You seriously shouldn’t keep your documents just inside books like that.”

Ten frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What document?”

Lucas opened the letter. “To, the love of my life—” He reddened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a personal letter.”

Ten got up and walked to him. “What are you talking about?” He took the letter and his eyes widened as he read.

To, the love of my life,

This isn’t really your birthday gift, you know? Well, it is. Kind of. It’s part of your birthday gift. This is my copy of Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I can’t believe you gave me an old book for my birthday, John!” but this is a special copy! Seriously, don’t laugh. I was reading this book when you dislocated your arm and I remember I felt like I would die seeing you get hurt like that. And that I wanted to kiss you so bad when the doctor set it right.

Ten gripped Lucas’ arms tightly. “Where did you find this?”

“I-It fell out of the book. I swear, I didn’t do anything.”

Ten blinked back tears. All he could think of was no no, this can’t be. How can this be? But the letter was there in his hands and he was reading it. It was Johnny’s writing. He turned it over and there it was. I’ll always love you. Be mine?—Your Johns. P.S. Don’t you dare laugh at me for this. I will spread your ugly baby pictures online!

Ten’s voice was faint as he asked Lucas, “Where’s Kun? Oh god, I don’t know what to do. Please call him.”

“He left. He had an emergency, remember? What is it?”

Ten’s hands were trembling as he flipped the letter and began to read it again. “It’s Johnny…He wrote a letter and ugh, why didn’t he tell me?”

I was like woah, I really like this Thai guy. No, that I knew since quite a while. I was like woah, I love Ten. I’d do anything for Ten. Whenever I read this book again or whenever I look at it, I remember that moment once again.

Oh no, this is not how this letter was supposed to start. Ugh, it was supposed to be more poetic. Just ignore what you read and think that it starts from here, okay?

Ten, I think you’re a wonderful person. You make me so happy. I love traveling with you, trying out new things with you and I probably think more of you than is necessary but that’s not really my fault now, is it? You’re breathtaking.

Thank you for always being there for me. You made the tough times bearable and the good times magical. Do you know that you are the first thought that crosses my mind when I wake up? I hate being away from you. I like that you don’t mind that I spam you with texts but hey, am I not an amazing person to talk to? Plus, I send you memes. Appreciate me, please, I’m trying to serenade a guy I like through a whole letter. Points for effort, okay?

Ten