It’s not like I’ve never liked a girl before. But all this time I’ve been keeping my feelings inside of me because even though my parents are nice people, I don’t know how they will react if I tell them that I am a lesbian woman. People tend to discriminate the gay and lesbian people at that time, so I’m scared, to see my parents’ disappointed faces when they know that their baby girl is different.

Because of that, I think it’s better to stay away from those people that I really like, I know it will hurt me if I fell in love with them. Even if i try to be stubborn and go with my way, I’m still afraid of hurting my parents' feelings. From this experience, now I know the meaning of “it’s complicated” status that you see in Facebook.

The day after I got to know Jisoo-unnie, she was introduced as a new trainee and got to show her moves in front of the other trainees. If I remember correctly, Lisa was also there.

As soon as she came into the room, I heard a lot of trainees murmured about her pretty face and how her face is not-so-YG type of face.

But as soon as Mr. Son told her to show her moves. The whole class was like “Okay girl, we got you”, cause those moves were amazing.

She made a y expression on her face while moving her surprisingly well-toned body while I just blankly stared at her. Lisa whispered to me, “Unnie, she’s so pretty”, and I just nodded and clapped my hands.

After she stopped dancing, the whole class applaused and cheered for her. Jisoo-unnie politely bowed while making a cute face. Our eyes met and she smiled and waved at me. Boy, I was flustered like a tomato sauce. “She waved at you, unnie!”, Lisa said with enthusiasm, I ignored her.

Then she sat beside me. But nothing really happened that day. Even if we traded smiles for a couple of times, she was really focused on the dance training, and I was focused on trying to steal a glance of her pretty face.

With Jisoo-unnie, The sparks(at least for me) were there from the first time I laid my eyes on her, but the event that really ignited the flame inside of me happened three days after I met her.

Me and Jisoo-unnie were the only ones left in the studio. I was still practicing the new moves that Mr. Son taught us. It was not ambition that drove me to practice that hard, it was fear. The fear of letting your loved ones down.

The burden was too much for me, so in order to erase all of those anxieties and fears, I train in frustration of being chained by all of this. I didn’t even care about Jisoo-unnie that watched me from behind. I know if I started to care more, it would drove me towards insanity and despair. I secretly hoped that Jisoo-unnie would go home and just make friends with other trainees and forget me.

As if.

The moment I finished my practice, Jisoo-unnie clapped while dorkily cheered, “Jennie!”. I just smiled while catching my breath.

“Jennie, you did pretty well, just like an idol”, said Jisoo-unnie.

“No, what are you talking about”, I said to her while laughing.

“I mean it really, please teach me”, She said while hesitantly touched my right arm.

“No, I think you are better than me, unnie”, I said.

“Jennie, please, I will treat you to a sauna after this”, said Jisoo while begging with her cute face.

“Okay unnie, don’t worry about the sauna, I’ll teach you for free”, I said laughing awkwardly.

‘Oh boy’,  I thought to myself knowing that probably I would catch feelings towards Jisoo-unnie.

We practiced together for an hour, with me making a lot of mistakes while dancing, and Jisoo-unnie laughed and said jokingly, “It seems that you’re not that good”, while laughing. I was kinda surprised to see that straightforward side of her, which was kinda refreshing, to be honest. All of my problems seemed to disappear for a while.

After changing our clothes, Jisoo-unnie invited me to go to the sauna. I politely rejected her, but she stubbornly insisted. I gave up and we went to the sauna.

At the sauna, we went straightly to the hot tub because we were already sweating. I was kinda shy at first to show my body. Hell, I thought that there was no reason to be shy because I promised to myself that I won’t fall in love with anyone, that being shy means that I secretly hoped that Jisoo-unnie would not dislike me, so I tried to not care about the whole situation.

So I went into the hot tub room, Jisoo-unnie was there. She smiled at me with a slightly flustered face. She was so cute, I don’t know if she was flustered because she was shy or just because of the hot temperature of the water, I didn’t care. She was just beautiful.

This must be what all grooms feel when they walk towards their bride. When a groom lifts the veil of his bride and looks at her face, the face that evoked all kinds of memories of love, hate, perseverance, and all things bittersweet. For me, Jisoo-unnie’s face didn’t only evoke memories of my past, it created fake memories made of possibilities in the future. It was the memories from times known and unknown.

While I slowly dipped myself into the hot water, my mind suddenly bursted into rainbows of memories and feelings, the memories of the problems I've had and what I've been through, all the memories played like a montage. The memories of my childhood and my parents, the feeling of being loved, and hated, and the fear of being isolated. My heart was so crowded that I sincerely didn't know what was happening.

Suddenly, Jisoo-unnie's smile turned into a worried face while she suddenly walked closer to me and wiped the tears off my face.

Unknowingly, I cried.