“I want to show you that you are not a failure.”

Eunbi’s heart stopped. Multiple thoughts were running in her mind. This is the first time that she heard these words. Usually, the people around her would just say she’s doing good and that she is perfect. She is used to hearing that she is amazing and she does not need to change. Never in her life that she had someone willing to prove to her that she is wrong. People always say that she is not a failure but she can’t make herself believe; but now, after what Chaeyeon said, it turns out believing is not hard after all.

“Thank you,” Eunbi paused for a moment, not knowing what to say next. With a deep breath, she said, “I really didn’t think we would meet again hence me opening up to you. However, after knowing that I’ll definitely see you again, I can’t wait but look forward to it,” she smiled at Chaeyeon—the most genuine smile she has ever given to a stranger. “Me too. I hope you don’t take our rivalry personally. I just feel like it’s a win-win situation for us to have someone motivate us into practicing harder, making ourselves grow,” Chaeyeon let out a small chuckle; Eunbi couldn’t help but smile wider. The two of them kept their conversation going. They talked about how they ended up with their current companies, how their dongsaengs would constantly annoy them, how they can never be mad about it, and how dancing made them feel free. They had a lot in common—way more than what they expected. They both thought that this might be the reason why they became drawn to each other; because they would understand each other.

They parted ways as soon as Seunghyeon and Youngin came back. The two younger girls brought bad news since they said they received a message telling them to go back to their dorm. Chaeyeon checked her phone and she received the same message. Eunbi and Chaeyeon both bid each other farewell; making sure to end their sentences with ‘See you again’.

Again, Eunbi is alone but the voices are nowhere to be found. For the first time, she could hear the voices of the people around her—not those degrading voices in her mind. She strolled along the Han River; with her thoughts deeper than its waters. She knew something changed; her heart felt lighter, she was so sure that she was rid of something. She stopped walking and went closer to the shore. There, she stared at her reflection and she saw someone new. In the waters, she saw a girl, smiling, whose face lit up. In the middle of the darkness surrounding her, serenity was emanating from within. While staring at the face of the girl in the water, Eunbi’s tears started to trickle down her cheeks; and she witnessed the girl cry too. This was unfamiliar to her. Honestly, Eunbi does not feel like herself. Kwon Eunbi does not smile when she’s not on stage or not with her friends. Kwon Eunbi does not exude light; all she has left is negativity and pessimism. She fell down on her knees; bringing her face closer to the image reflected in the water. She saw the moon, shining bright; and she felt comforted. 

“How lonely must it be for you to float around alone? How sad must it be for you to remain in orbit to watch over others?” Eunbi said as she stared at the moon’s reflection. For her, the moon is like Robin Hood—someone who steals from the rich to give it to the poor. The moon steals light from the sun for it to be able to light up our world when night falls. Realizing it just now, Eunbi could empathize with the moon. She has been alone most of her life; if she gets lucky enough to gain company, they will not stay for long and is bound to leave her as soon as possible. Eunbi is the moon whose orbit is her journey of trying to be an idol, again. She keeps herself on track for Chaewon, Sohee, and Suyoon. She always keeps it in mind to be a good example to the three; for her to be someone they idolize and follow. It dawned to her that she kept on giving off her light until she had nothing left to give. Unlike the moon, she does not have a sun to supply her with more light; and she knows that once she loses all of the positivity in her, she would be left with what she fears the most. Without light, Eunbi will be cold and empty—nothing.

When she got tired of staring at her reflection, she sat down by the riverbank. She just stared out in the open, occasionally having new thoughts but her mind would dismiss them right away. She favors having her mind emptied than it having a lot of thoughts that she can’t comprehend. She closed her eyes and savored on the cold breeze touching her skin. It slowly alleviated her from the pain she has been feeling for a long time. Then Chaeyeon’s smiling face flashed in front of her. She became aware of how much change Chaeyeon brought and it’s been only a few hours since they met. Is it really possible for someone to find sanctuary in someone you just crossed paths with? If Eunbi were to ask her old self, she’ll probably laugh and say no; but Eunbi knows she is now out of her shell. After meeting Chaeyeon, she is certain that the answer is yes.

When she felt the night going deeper, she checked her phone to look at the time and was surprised to see how many messages and missed calls she had. She must have drifted from reality while thinking about her life. She checked all of them and it’s just the three girls whom she values so much. She is also stunned by how long she stayed sitting by the Han River. It is almost 2 am and she promised that she would go out with Chaewon, Sohee, and Suyoon at 7 am. She got up and went home—debating whether she should get some sleep or wait it out.

•

“Eunbi-unnie, wakey wakey,” Eunbi felt mild tapping on her shoulders. Slowly, she opened her eyes and saw Sohee, the youngest of her three dongsaengs, she immediately smiled. “Good morning, Sohee-ya~” Eunbi said as she pulled the youngest closer and locked her in a hug. “Unnie? Are you sick? Is something wrong? You can tell us,” Sohee said as she hugged her back. Eunbi pulled away and smiled, “I’m perfectly okay. You don’t have to worry,” she said as she pinched Sohee’s cheeks. Eunbi got up and was about to go to the door when Sohee ran and spread her arms, completely blocking her way, “If you still need to rest, we could just hang out some other time,” worry is written all over Sohee’s face. This is exactly what Eunbi is thankful for: even though they are younger, they make sure to check on their unnie to ensure that she is still sane. Although they are not open about it, Eunbi knows that they really want to help her and have a piece of her mind but they’re just too shy to ask about it. “I am fully rested, Sohee. I’ll get ready, you wait here,” Eunbi said as she put down Sohee’s arms. Feeling defeated, the younger girl sighed and sat down on Eunbi’s bed.

Once she locked the bathroom door, Eunbi stared at herself in the mirror. Like last night, her face looks different. It looks more like the woman in the water that stared back at her. Little by little, Eunbi is convinced that she really did rid herself of some of her problems and Chaeyeon might really be the reason why. She doesn’t know how she did it but she managed to make Eunbi feel better about herself. 

Water started to pour down on Eunbi’s body as soon as she opened the shower. As the droplets travel down her frame, she feels like she is being cleansed of her insecurities. She was about to float away in her thoughts when she heard a knock, “Unnie, are you sure you’re okay?” it was Sohee and Eunbi knows the younger girl thinks she is trying to suppress the sound of her sobs by opening the shower. She is sure because she has done this countless times before. Eunbi stopped for a moment and answered, “Yes, I am. Don’t worry too much. I promised you guys that when I have a problem, I’d be open about it, right? I never turn back from my words,” there was silence after that. Sohee sat down and leaned on the door, “What time did you go home last night? You weren’t answering our calls and messages,” Eunbi waited if she would still add something but when Sohee didn’t, Eunbi began talking, “I got home at around 3 am. I didn’t notice the time while walking by the Han River,” again, silence. Eunbi thought Sohee accepted her answer but she was wrong, “Were you having those thoughts again? The last time you were there, we thought we wouldn’t see you again,” there was a hint of sadness in that statement and Eunbi felt bad. Sohee was the youngest and Eunbi knows she finds it hard to reach out. Their maknae is so innocent and pure and wants to help her unnies as much as she can. “When I started the day, yes, I had those thoughts but something good happened right before I finished my performance. It made me feel better. I just went to the Han River to think and unwind,” this is a leap in Eunbi and Sohee’s relationship. Normally, it is Chaewon who would know what is going on in Eunbi’s mind while Suyoon would be the one cheering her up. Sohee, on the other hand, just stays on the sidelines, watching the other two girls make their eldest happy. This took Eunbi down in memory lane:

Surrounded by the four walls of the training room, four trainees sit in the middle of the stone cold floor. None of them are talking but three girls are exchanging glances while their eldest has her head down. With hesitation, one of the girls started to talk, “We’re always here for you, unnie. Whatever is bothering you, let us know. We want to help you the way you help us too,” the eldest lifted her head up and replied with a small smile. She is conflicted whether it is alright to tell these girls what is going on inside her head. She is stubborn and someone who would keep things to herself rather than give her burden to others. “I’m okay, Chaewon. I really am okay, guys,” Eunbi said but Chaewon is still not convinced, “Stop acting strong, please. We’ve been together for quite some time now and we know that you’re carrying a huge responsibility on your shoulders,” Eunbi opened to lie, say that she is okay once again, but Chaewon continued, “Please, unnie, take your mask off, we want to see the real you,” the eldest was caught off guard.

Eunbi’s heart felt heavy. Those words hit her and felt like knives piercing her body. She could feel her eyes getting watery but she knows she shouldn’t cry in front of the three. She held it in; she didn’t even bother to blink. Her eyes betrayed her, though, when Suyoon suddenly hugged her. It was something Eunbi was looking for. It was all she needed to finally be herself. It was a signal that the curtain has closed—the mark that the show has ended. Eunbi takes her mask off, and the three kids in front of her are now granted backstage passes.

“We’re here, unnie. You are not alone,” Suyoon said, still not pulling away from the hug, Eunbi felt her breath in her ear. Eunbi wanted her tears to stop but she could not make them. Chaewon went closer to them and joined in the hug. Eunbi felt protected. “It’s okay to cry. Crying does not make you weak. You cry because you’re strong enough to admit that you make mistakes,” Chaewon said as she rubbed Eunbi’s back. With that, Eunbi cried harder. She wanted to vent out all of her frustrations. She wants to shout but she seems to have lost her voice.

Staring at the three was Sohee. As the youngest, she is unsure if she has the right to meddle with her unnies’ businesses but she really is worried about Eunbi. A few hours ago, she, Chaewon, and Suyoon agreed to go to the Han River bridge to take photos and breathe fresh air. When they got there, however, they saw a familiar face and was taken aback when they realized it was Eunbi, the oldest among them and their leader. Her feet are already on the rails and she is dangerously close to the edge. Suyoon immediately ran to Eunbi while calling her name. The eldest turned her head and she looked different. Instead of sweat, her face was full of tears, she was sobbing uncontrollably and it was evident that she is going through a hard time. Eunbi looked down, and slowly put her feet on the ground. She fell down to her knees and quickly wiped her face clean. The three younger girls convinced her to go with them and the walk home was silent.

Now, here they are, gathered in their practice room. Eunbi is in the arms of Chaewon and Suyoon while Sohee thinks of something good to say. When she realized Eunbi would understand if she doesn’t talk, she stood up and hugged her unnie from behind. It was at this moment that Eunbi felt cherished. She was wrong. She was so engrossed in the idea of being a leader and a good example when all this time, these three girls just wanted her to be herself. For a moment, she was free; but it didn’t last that long.

When Eunbi opened the bathroom door, Sohee was sitting in front of it, her back facing the door. Eunbi ruffled the maknae’s hair which made her look up. “You stopped talking, I thought you already went out,” Eunbi said, trying to make Sohee more comfortable with her. “I didn’t know what to say. I suddenly remembered that day and got scared,” Sohee has her head