Donghae would always find a way to adore Hyukjae, either hugging him, pinching his cheeks, patting his hair, or as long as he touches parts of his, he is content enough.

“Let’s see, Donghae, what would you like to—”

But Donghae still likes Hyukjae’s voice the best.

Although the fact that everyone but Hyukjae know how much he adored him to the point of being mistaken as boyfriends, the latter always brush off by “What are you guys saying, we’re friends, friends.” and would laugh afterwards.

He isn’t wrong, though.

“Donghae-ah.”

Donghae really likes how the way Hyukjae calls his name, soft and hints of endearment in his tone, whether the latter did in on purpose or he did it without him realizing himself.

Or actually, he adores every aspect of Hyukjae’s.

“Hey, idiot, I was asking you!” Donghae snapped into reality by Hyukjae fumes while softly slaps his hand, trying to get the younger’s attention. “Earth to Donghae!”

Donghae blinks, “Uh?” he blinks again, only to see Hyukjae lets out a big sigh. “Sorry, what was it?”

“If you’re not going to eat then I’ll just order for myself.” Hyukjae sighs again as he calls the waiter, back facing Donghae who unconsciously pouts by the way he treats him. As he understood the meaning behind it, Hyukjae groans, “Okay, okay, then order something. I’m hungry.”

Although Hyukjae didn’t let it show, it’s obvious enough to Donghae that he became self-conscious of him these days by avoiding him bits by bits.

“I’ll have the same as yours, then.”

“You should’ve said that earlier, dammit.”

It really shows by Hyukjae trying to avoid Donghae at all cost.

Donghae only hums in reply, already distracted by slowly playing with Hyukjae’s hand. Aside of avoiding his eyes, Hyukjae’s still carefree enough to let him doing physical contact as he usually does—although he winches when Donghae tries to do anything on him, he still pretends it didn’t show on him when it actually does.

He can’t really blame or feel wronged by Hyukjae giving him cold shoulders these days, though.

Since he confessed to Hyukjae and asked him to marry out of blue.

“Isn’t it better if I didn’t confess, after all?” Donghae sighs, already on the second glass of soju, while Siwon is in front of him, patiently listening to every parts of his exasperation. “I didn’t expect him to return the feeling, but if it ends this way I’d rather not confessing.”

Siwon shrugs while his hand flipping the meat, prevent them for burning. “I can’t say that you’re wrong, but what I’m sure is that your confession brought a big shock for him.” Donghae actually feels sorry for Siwon who has to listen to his failed confession at this late, knowing that as a CEO like him would rather spent the night to sleep after an exhausting day at work and wake up early to work tomorrow but still chosen an option to stay a late dinner here with him. “Especially Hyukjae’s a type who isn’t used to a such big change in his life.”

Donghae sighs again.

“It wasn’t my intention to confess.”

“Well, since you didn’t, but finally did, here’s the result of it.”

He isn’t wrong, but still. Donghae huffs, “I didn’t ask him out, though.”

“So, you mean by asking him to marry you isn’t asking him out?” Siwon scoffs, along with Donghae’s grunt, but he isn’t finished yet. “Won’t you surprised if someone suddenly asked you to marry them?”

“I wasn’t in the right mind, then.” Donghae weakly reply. Siwon approves by calm nods. “The situation’s that bad, huh.”

“Well, yes, it is?” Siwon responds as if it’s not the most obvious answer in the moment. “Then, can I give you some advices?”

“… do you have to?”

“No, but it probably helps.”

Donghae ponders for a while, but soon he nods, “… okay then, please do.”

The reason why Donghae asked Hyukjae to marry instead of asked him out is obvious actually.

Since they have spent almost half of ther life together, might as well go all the way?—was what Donghae thought recently. By recently he meant like, in recent two years after he turned thirty.

Well, since both free and single so why not?

He didn’t mind to spent the rest of his life with Hyukjae, actually.

(Unfortunately, Hyukjae isn’t on the same boat as he is.)

Donghae sighs as he throws himself on the couch, mentally exhausted after pretending to not notice Hyukjae’s avoidance of the topic in these days when he sent the elder home after their little routine—having dinner when they can after work—as usual, by smiling like he always does and chatting as nothing happens. Hyukjae never brought the topic up after that, and does the same as he is, only to make Donghae feels weird even more.

He actually already expected this to happen, but still.

Yet still.

Something in his chest sank even further when he thinks about it.

Although he did as Siwon adviced, by not forcing it on Hyukjae, and gave the older some time to thought, and when it still didn’t work, he has no choice but accept it.

But even so, he couldn’t help but still hoping even for a bit. Only for a bit.

To the point he actually regretting his decision a whole lot more than he thought he is.

That night, Donghae dreamt of standing in front of an altar.

It was hazy, by his sight blurred like a flashback in a drama, with people standing, waiting the partner of his showing up and then flashes to the church gate opened, shows his partner with their father.

Donghae reflexively squint in order to see his future partner, body responding by itself although he already knew everything he sees right now is anything but dream.

As he sees the bottom of the figure, his eyes raising by looking up, only to open his eyes wide in shock when he could recognize them by their smile.

A shy smile that shows gummy teeth he knew so well—

Abruptly, he wakes up by jolting, overwhelmed by shock that shoots through his entire body system, as he tries to catch his breath, still in disbelief by the sight he seen in his dream a while ago.

Is that person really what he thought he is—

Rather than happiness surges in him, it’s sorrow that soon hits him, realize the fact that his dream won’t come true—the wish of marrying Hyukjae was a mistake to begin with, he doesn’t even have the right to even think about it—he even shouldn’t hope anything about it at this point.

Not even a bit parts of him had right to even wish anything about Hyukjae right now.

It was 4 a.m. on Sunday when Donghae cried the hardest in his life, for the first time regretting the choice he picked, being him became thirty-two this year.

Him confessing itself isn’t a choice he should picked carelessly.

It suddenly comes off Donghae’s mind at that night; Hyukjae and him were eating dinner on a restaurant near his apartment, engulfing the grilled meats while chatters in between, occasionally Hyukjae drinking some glasses of soju while Donghae decided to stay sober so any of them could go home safely, since both of their alcohol tolerance aren’t high enough to be able to go home without wobbling and slurring (and may ended up passed out on the street, and that isn’t cool at all).

“Hyukjae-ah.”

“What.”

“Wanna get married?”

It was a whim of Donghae’s, by him thinking that Hyukjae and him already spending their life together almost two decades, knowing each other inside out outside of their head and both single and free in their thirties—Hyukjae said he just doesn’t want to think anything like that for now while Donghae find it hard to meet his ideals, no matter how many times he tries to date females in his office, it just won’t work out.

None of them are appealing enough for him to take their relationship as far as marriage as he always longing for.

Hyukjae blinked, neither surprised nor taken aback, as he looked at Donghae from the head to the lowest region of him sitting down, before he asked him, “Were you in a ridiculous journey before realizing that you couldn’t date females for a long time because you found out that you’re gay?”

“Wha—no!” Taken aback, Donghae almost fell off his chair if Hyukjae didn’t reflexively hold his arms to stop the mess he’s going to make. The older man huffed, but Donghae speaks up, “Or maybe. I don’t know.”

“Which is it, dammit.” Hyukjae groaned, but Donghae actually sigh in relief that the older man only looked annoyed but definitely didn’t look disgusted by the idea. “Why me, of all people?”

“I…” Why, though? Donghae didn’t think it that far, actually. “I don’t know.” Hyukjae about to retort but he quickly recovered, “But I think I can do it if it’s you.”

Hyukjae sighed, “Do you realize of what are you saying right now?”

“If I am will that disgust you?” Although Donghae wasn’t sure what’s gotten into him to ask Hyukjae that in a whim—and he wasn’t even sure about his ual orientation, actually—but if the older man became suddenly hated him because of this it’ll make his world crumble for sure.

“No, that’s too harsh,” Hyukjae huffed, ate the last piece of the meats they grilled as lost in thought while chewing in silence for a few seconds. “I think it’s more like mixed reactions? But disgusted isn’t one of them, that’s what I’m sure of.” Donghae sighed in relief. “If I accept that offer will that makes me gay too?”

“I think it’ll be better if you don’t put any label on it, though.” Donghae advices.

Hyukjae hummed, but still looked deeply in thought—that Donghae assumed he was trying to calculate both disadvantages and advantages of his offer—as he looked at the younger man for a while, before he finally speaks up, “Can you give me some time to think about it?”

“I don’t mind,” both of his corner lips slightly raised, approving but he stops, “But you know, actually, you don’t have to force yourself—”

“No, no, no, that’s not it—”

“If it makes us weird I think it’s better to forget it—”

“It won’t, okay?” Hyukjae stood up, ready to paid the bill since tonight is his turn to pay. “Just, let me think about it.” Donghae wanted to speak up but he cut him off, “It’ll just the same old but with some spices, no?”

…spices? “That… sounds weird, actually.”

“Yeah? Now you know.”

(It supposed to not change anything between them.

But it is.

It is changed.)