may 28th 2017, 7:28 pm. seoul.







 

━━━━






 

"are you visiting him tomorrow?"

 

jongin removes his arm over his eyes, turning over on his side. "i don't know."

 

baekhyun sighs over the other line. "you haven't visited him even once, jongin. it's been three years."

 

jongin remains silent. 

 

"look. i know it's been hard and you're still recovering. but maybe it'll help you a bit." baekhyun's voice is concerned. "i just... i want you to be okay. i want you to move forward, more so than you already have. the fact you can already be in a committed relationship with kyungsoo when you're still struggling with chanyeol is amazing in itself. you know?"

 

"i guess..."

 

baekhyun is right. jongin hasn't completely moved forward since chanyeol's death. he could never bring himself to forget about anything — their times together, his big, dorky, charming grin, the way he liked when chanyeol held his hand warmly. it was the very smallest things jongin remembered and ached from. the shield he made is still thick and over him as he speaks. it still hurts so much to talk about him, so much to say he hated chanyeol to others. but as he talks with baekhyun like this, he can feel the shield cracking and panging.

 

"will you ever tell kyungsoo, then?"

 

his chest clenches and a lump rises in jongin's throat. "i don't know. it's kind of hard to just... tell him suddenly."

 

jongin heard some movement on the other side. "you realize that the longer you keep it, the more likely kyungsoo will take it badly, right? jongin, it isn't healthy for you both. you need to be honest with him about everything."

 

"what if... what if i c-can't do it?" jongin cries. 

 

"you can. i know it. you're so strong, jongin, and kyungsoo loves you. he'll do his best to help you."

 

he trembles, tucking his legs up to his chest. "how can you be so sure?"

 

"it's my intuition. you know it's always right. trust me, okay? please. i know you can do it. and think about coming with me tomorrow. alright?"

 

jongin doesn't say anything for a while. maybe... maybe he should. maybe it's best for him — to have closure, talk to chanyeol, tell kyungsoo, everything. he has pent all this pain up for so long, at this point he isn't sure if he can go on very much longer. it's so hard to keep hiding this, and at this point, he doesn't even know why he tries anymore. especially with kyungsoo. he has known kyungsoo for almost three years, how could he have kept the truth away from him for so long? jongin should tell him. 

 

"i'll think about it. text me the time."






 

━━━━






 

11:41 pm






 

━━━━






 

when jongin wakes up, his head is pounding. his right ear is touching his notebooks and his hand is still holding onto his pen. he blinks when he sees his desk light, groaning. jongin sits straight, rolling his neck around his shoulders and twisting his back. he picks up his phone to check the time. he notices the notifications kyungsoo sent him, all a bit more concerned than jongin was expecting. 

 

he unlocks his phone and opens the messages immediately.






 

sooin
heyy goodmorning 🤧
9:22pm

sooin
i'm a bit sick lol
9:23pm

sooin
babe??
9:59pm

sooin
:(
10:06pm

sooin
ur usually on im 
worried now nini
10:37pm

sooin
pls just be taking a 
nap or studying 
10:40pm

sooin
i don't wanna be sick
AND worried 
10:40pm

sooin
whelp, it's ok i just 
wanted to tell you i 
love you and i hope
you sleep well 
11:19pm

sooin
dream abt me pls 😩
11:21pm






 

jongin chuckles at the last message, laying his head on his arm. he types a response.






 

jongbub
i'm sorry hyungie
i fell asleep while
i was studying
sent 11:45pm

jongbub
ur not allowed to
be sick :c
read 11:46pm


 

sooin
don't be sorry i
was teasin just a 
little

sooin
maybe


 

jongbub
>:c

 

sooin
💗

sooin
how is studying
going? you have 
exams soon right?


 

jongbub
ok i guess

jongbub
i think i'm a 
little more dis-
tracted than usual


 

sooin
how so?


 

jongbub
it's complicated


 

sooin
do you want to
talk?

 

jongbub
yes|

jongbub
y|

jongbub
|

jongbub
idk


 

sooin
would it be easier
if it was over a 
call

sooin
i'm sick tho i 
might be a bit
incoherent lol


 

jongbub
yeah|


 

sooin
jongin?


 

jongbub
yeah. we can 
call.






 

when jongin types those words in, he realizes how anxiously hard his heart beats against his chest that it hurts. he isn't sure if he's ready for this — telling him. but he knows it needs to happen. if it doesn't, he'll never be able to tell him and he'll really convince himself of the lies. he doesn't want to live with that idea of chanyeol for the rest of his life. 

 

jongin presses the call button and presses it to his ear, standing and walking over to his bed. he falls onto it and his heart almost completely stops when he hears kyungsoo's voice.

 

"hey," he sniffles. a chuckle. "sorry."

 

that makes jongin relax a little. "don't be. you're sick."

 

"i won't talk much, but i want you to vent if you have to, okay? i'll listen."

 

jongin's heart begins to beat hard again. jongin clenches the phone tight. "are you going to be mad at me?"

 

kyungsoo snorts. "are you joking, why would i be mad?"

 

"i don't know..."

 

kyungsoo remains silent briefly. then, he says, "i'm not going to be no matter what it is."

 

   you don't know that. "okay. then," he's going to be mad. "stay calm?"

 

"of course."

 

jongin parts his lips. "i-i—" a lump rises in his throat again. he tries to breathe slowly and deeply but it's like his ribs are closing in on his lungs. "it hurts, hyung."

 

"what does, jongin?"

 

"i c-can't do this. i can't. i can't tell you, i can't i can't i can't—"

 

jongin's breaths have become irregular and shallow and his body is trembling. the words can't find themselves to come out of jongin's mouth, and all jongin can see is a painful, faded memory of chanyeol's pale hands, holding jongin. holding his face, his hands, him. their not the rough hands jongin had painted an image of when he was fifteen years old, but their real form — warm and welcoming and gentle. he remembers chanyeol's hands, how he loved them and how he loved touching them.

 

but they're gone. and jongin has to tell kyungsoo they're gone. he can't. he feels like he's dying. he can't see, he can hear kyungsoo's voice but he can't make out what he's saying. his body tingles from his fingertips to the tips of his toes. a bad kind of tingle — like his whole body is about to numb and his nerves will stop fu