I'm actually so nervous for this chapter for some reason! I'm really sorry it's so late, but I've been struggling with this one, and literally doing so many re-writes that it's been sending me a little insane...

Shock blisters through him in a searing burn, whole body tensing up, paralyzed; breathing included. Caught up in the swirl of shocked delirium, his mind refuses to process what he’s just heard. It feels like the inside of his brain is spiralling out in frantic backflips, desperately trying to backtrack, and figure out just what he’d done to cause such a horrific outcome.

Grave? The word doesn’t sound right within his mind, and he stares at Yunho’s face, and finds no trace of the humour he so desperately wants to see within the hard lines of his face. He was serious. But that could only mean…

Terrified, his fingers shake, and then in turn lose their hold on the mug that had been gripped within his hand. Gravity takes over, pulling it down through the air in what seems like slow motion, until it meets its fate at the hands of the hard wood flooring. Coffee wrenches from the confines of the china, cascading from the rim right up until the collision, which ends in an explosion of dark liquid pearls cascading through the air alongside the sharp fragments that the mug had split into. He stares at the sight of it, a creeping sense of affinity crawling up on him, as his feels the same shattering splinter within his heart.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho exclaims, body jerking forward as the sound of the coffee cup crashing to the floor resonated throughout the room.

Unable to stop the impact, he draws back, face pinched in concern, and casts a searching look across Jaejoong’s face. Whatever he finds is enough to send him back into the throws of alarm, and he reaches forward once more, busy hands holding Jaejoong’s smaller frame.

“Hey, hey, hey!” He frets frantically, the realisation that Jaejoong’s stopped breathing dawning over him like an all-consuming wave of panic. “Jaejoong, come on, breath. Don’t do this to me.”

Shaking his head, Jaejoong pulls away hastily. His stomach rolls with urgency, a heavy queasiness flooding his lower intestine. The action has him all but shoving himself off the bed and stumbling across the room. He needs the bathroom - now.

“Jaejoong!” Yunho shouts behind him, following his movements, and rising from the bed also.

Jaejoong ignores him though, mind set on one thing.

It’s not hard to find. A quick glance around gives him ample sight of the open door leading to what looks like an en suite bathroom. He dives towards it, leaving the door banging angrily against the wall as he slams it fully open; all but falling at the foot of the toilet.

His stomach lurches, and he violently heaves, bringing up what, he doesn’t know. But what he does know is that it hurts. The force of it makes his body ache, with both the pain of throwing up so hard, and the anguish of what he’d been told. Tears dot his eyes, forced there by his current position hunched over the rim of the toilet. A slow seeping misery consumes him, thoughts clouded by the reality of being in a world where Yoochun no longer was.

However, a gentle pressure materialises on his back, cutting through the misery with swirling circles of comfort that ease the pain slightly. Even more welcoming is the hand holding back his hair, as he brings up another slew of whatever had been left in his digestive track. The caring nature of Yunho’s actions bring another wave of tears, ones that this time spring voluntarily to his eyes in such large pools that they roll down his cheeks in wet tracks.

At that point he draws himself away, sitting back on his knees, feeling utterly gross, and hoping now that his stomach is finally empty. He pushes the heels of his palms to his eyes, biting his lip as he feels the tug of arms pulling him back from behind. There’s no real force behind the action, and his body, as weak as it currently was, goes without a struggle. A warm, firm, chest meets him, and he rests limply against it, soaking up the reassuring words that whisper against the shell of his ear. The familiar resurgence of utter despair that he’d thought he was long over creeps back up on him.

Yoochun... Was dead? How could that even be possible? Jaejoong knows that he’s an emotional person, a person who was greatly in touch with how he was feeling at any moment in time. Someone who felt things immensely – whether they were good or bad. But how, how had this happened?! Was it really because he’d made the call to stay with SM?

Even if it was true, why would Yoochun die as a result of that?

Another sob catches in his throat at the thought. He coughs while trying to hold it back, and a surge of tears breaks the banks of his eyes. In an attempt to hold them back, he screws his eyes shut tight, but it doesn’t help, and he pitches forward, hands clutching at the arms around him. His body feels tired, heavy from the touring he can only assume, and maybe from the lack of sleep from the flight. It all seems to catch up with him at once, and combined with his recent upchuck, he supposes it makes sense to suddenly feel so utterly spent.

He wants to leave this horrible future already and be done with it. Nothing can be worth the pain of losing Yoochun.

“Hey, hey, come on.” Yunho says, voice rumbling with a soft timbre that leaves Jaejoong shivering.

Jaejoong shakes his head, sniffling when he feels the feather light pressure of kisses being pressed against the skin of his neck. Trying to steal a little more comfort, he leans his head to the side, pushing his body around to try and lean more into Yunho’s embrace. He can feel Yunho deflate at the action, and he immediately melts into something sympathetic, pulling Jaejoong into his arms for a hug that’s tight, and full of support. Jaejoong clings to it, shaking his head against Yunho’s shoulder as he fights the idea that it might be true; which the still desperate part of his mind screams that it can’t be.

“Hey, it’s alright.” Yunho coos to him gently as he shakes. “You’ve been away. It’s alright if you forgot, sometimes these things happen.”

Jaejoong blinks, frowning against his shoulder, but still leeching the comfort that the hand rubbing down his back is providing. Yunho thought that he was crying because he’d forgotten? He supposes it’s reasonable to think that way. He had after all practically flown off the bed to run off and be sick the moment Yunho had told him. That, followed by the immediate after reaction of bursting into tears, was probably a raw enough response for him to have thought he’d forgotten more than anything else. It’s probably best to leave him thinking that too. It didn’t seem smart, nor would it serve any purpose, to try and offer up something more complicated.

Instead he stays silent, comfortably wrapped up in the warmth of Yunho’s arms, his tears continuing to train track their way down his face, while he desperately tries to work his brain around the mind situation he’d now found himself in.

This particular train of thought lasts a good 10 minutes, with him eventually calming himself enough to piece together the bits of information Yunho had given him earlier. The bits that would hopefully help in trying to figure out just where he’d gone wrong this time.

Junsu. It all started with Junsu.

“I should- I should call Junsu, right?” He babbles, still struggling between the heavy urge to break down and sob, and the need to start making a move.

“You don’t have to right this minute.” Yunho tells him, drawing back with a soft smile, warm hands on his cheeks, wiping away stray tears with his thumb. “I think… You first need a glass of water, and then something to eat, preferably something light - then you can call him.”

Jaejoong offers him a watery smile in return. That sounded as good a place as any to start.

Their kitchen is just as he would have designed it in his own home. Big, cosy, and sporting all the latest cooking equipment. It’s pretty clear that Yunho hasn’t had that much say in this part of the apartment, and it’s something that jerks a watery smile to his lips as he imagines him trying to help design the layout. He envisions that there had probably been a fair share of bickering between them. Yet, regardless of what had gone down, the outcome is beginning to make him feel the fuzzy, familiar, warmth of home, and it bleeds through his body. For the first time ever in these bizarre trips to the future, he’s actually feeling comfortable.

“So, what do you fancy?” Yunho asks casually over his shoulder, hands already busy gathering an assortment of ingredients from the fridge; it makes for a picture he can’t exactly say he’s used to.

“Yunho, you’re a terrible cook - shouldn’t I do it?” Jaejoong says teasingly, biting back a smile when he receives a sour look in return for his playful jibe.

“I think I can manage eggs with burning the place down Jaejoong.” Yunho shoots back, pouting as he returns to gathering plates for them.

He knows what he’s saying is true. His playful comment aside, he’s well aware that Yunho can handle himself in the kitchen when it came down to it. Had it been Junsu, then things would probably- No, definitely, have been different. In fact, if it were Junsu, they wouldn’t have made it this far.

“So, eggs then?” Yunho asks, the cutest pair of hopeful eyes watching him expectantly.

“Eggs are fine.” Jaejoong replies with a smile, and how can he not when Yunho’s looking at him like that?

He wonders just how cruel the universe can be, giving him his perfect future scenario on the back of something such heart-breaking.

Getting in touch with Junsu proves to be more difficult than he’d anticipated. For one, it takes fours call in total, and this is before Junsu even picks up. Jaejoong would have been more annoyed about it usually. But he’s currently in a state of post omelette delirium (who knew his man could cook so well), and happily cushioned in Yunho’s lap, so he’s too sated to actually mind.

“You get through yet?” Yunho asks him, hand sliding into his hair in a lazy manner.

“It’s ringing again.” Jaejoong tells him, listening to the sound of slow ringing tones drone against his ear.

“Mm, good.” Yunho replies, now sounding tired, his head leaning back against the back cushion of the sofa, hand still gently carding through Jaejoong’s hair.

Jaejoong glances up at him, curiosity peaked from the lethargic tone in his voice. He pouts his lips in a kissy face expression, which garners the softest of looks in return, and a throaty chuckle that has him melting under Yunho’s fond expression. A kiss graces his lips a moment later. One that’s light, barely ghosting his lips, before it’s gone. Yunho pulls back, and by instinct, Jaejoong finds himself reaching up to keep him hovering just above his face with a hand clamped to the back of his neck.

“If you’re tired, then you should go back to bed.” Jaejoong tells him, tone firm, despite the gentle circles he’s making with his fingers on the back of Yunho’s neck.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll wait until you’ve decided a time with Junsu. I’ll probably- No, I should come with you.” Yunho says, titling his head to kiss him once more.

He tries not to linger on just how good Yunho is to him, knowing that he’ll only end up crying again if he does. It’s better to just to smile for him, and act like it’s completely normal for Yunho to be so in love with him.

“Ok.” He agrees, letting go of him, and shuffling a little, so as his head is better pillowed in his lap once more. “Just let me know if-”

“Hello? Jaejoong?”

Abruptly Jaejoong sits up, startling both Yunho, and himself, with his sudden reaction. He hadn’t expected to actually get through, given that Junsu’s phone had been ringing off to answer phone each time. But now to actually hear him, knowing what had happened, is pretty jarring.

“Junsu?” He breathes, his throat forming a lump of emotion again as he wobbles around the name.

“Ah, sorry, I was driving before. Are you back in Korea?” Junsu asks, voice slightly clipped, and rather professional against his ears.

“No, it’s ok!” Jaejoong says quickly, feeling oddly nervous suddenly. “Yeah, I’m back… Ah, Yunho said you’d called...”

“Oh... Oh, yeah, I was wanting to know if you’d be back in time to go and see Yoochun... I thought you might have forgotten when I saw your schedule.” Junsu says, and Jaejoong can feel the awkwardness bleeding down the line as Junsu’s voice trails off quietly.

Why did it feel like that? He’d never had such a strained conversation with Junsu before. Even after the tense discussions surrounding their immediate decisions after the split.

“No, no I definitely haven’t forgotten!” Jaejoong tells him firmly, confident that this future version of himself wouldn’t let something so important pass by without thought.

“Ah, that’s good… Okay, so do you want me to come and pick you up? We can stop by that florist just before the turning if you like. I know you’ll probably want buy some fresh flowers before we go in...” Junsu offers, voice trailing off again as he throws out the suggestion.

“Oh, erm...” Jaejoong stutters, turning to look back at Yunho indecisively. “Yunho was wanting to go too so-”

“That’s fine.” Junsu says quickly. “I can take you both. It would probably be easier than dragging two cars out.”

“Alright then.” Jaejoong agrees, sending a smile Yunho’s way. “When do you want to go?”

“Just give me an hour to get sorted.” Junsu says. “I’ll be there afterwards, so make sure you’re ready.”

“Ok. See you soon.”

The line goes dead, and Jaejoong draws back, and stares at the phone in shock.

Well, that was rude, and awfully unlike Junsu...

“Junsu cut you off again without saying goodbye?” Yunho asks, giving Jaejoong a lazy smile, one that feels tinged with sadness below the surface.

“How did you know?” Jaejoong asks him suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“Something I picked up on lately.” Yunho sighs. “He… He hasn’t really said “goodbye” to people since Yoochun passed.”

Jaejoong feels his heart pull at little at the words, and he dips his head back down again, eyes staring sadly at the end call screen.

Junsu shows up after an hour as promised. He’s quiet, all forced smiles and carrying an uncharacteristically sombre aura. It makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere to say the least. But Jaejoong makes an exception, choosing, for once, not to pass comment on it. He knows the blame for such an air must partly fall to their destination, and that, combined with the date, must make for the grim feeling. Just the thought of it is enough to start pulling at his own emotions, never mind Junsu, and Yunho, who have been dealing with this for far longer than him. With that in mind he steels himself to hold the building emotions at bay.

Still, discounting all else, Junsu looks well; other than perhaps the occasional grimace. He’s dressed surprisingly formal, looking as though he’d just wrapped up a photoshoot, and come straight to them without changing. It seems a little unlike him, a far cry from the guy who was known for just grabbing whole set pieces from a store manikin, and calling it his own.

“So, are you ready to go?” Junsu asks, face drawn into a stiff expression.

“Yeah.” Jaejoong replies bewilderedly, offering a strained smile as he takes the coat that Yunho’s holding out to him.

They walk down to Junsu’s car in silence, the awkward air from before following them like an elusive stalker, and not even Yunho offers to break the rigid feeling between the three of them. Which is odd. Jaejoong can’t figure it out. Yunho had been talking fine with him before, and it wasn’t like he’d been forced to tag along. He himself had wanted to come.

So why was it suddenly so weird between them?

Even Junsu, who normally seemed so oblivious to any awkward situation, suddenly seemed cautious, almost as though he was being careful of his own behaviour. It’s so… Jarring.

“So, did you want to stop by the flower shop?” Junsu murmurs quietly to him as they set off.  

“Oh, urm, yeah – I probably should.” Jaejoong replies quickly, avoiding eye contact with Junsu by turning his head towards the window and staring out at the grey clouds forming above.

“Alright.” Junsu says back, and once again, silence reins supreme.

To start up conversation with Yunho now would be awkward – at least that’s how Jaejoong’s beginning to feel. But the silence is suffocating, and Jaejoong’s mind drifts back to Yoochun, and he finds himself suddenly missing his easy-going nature.

His eyes blur with a thin film of tears. It still didn’t seem real to him that someone who had been such a constant throughout his late teens, and adult life could no longer be there. Yoochun had been there for every major milestone during his career, and every breakthrough leading up to it. So, it seemed almost cruel that he wasn’t here anymore. Heart aching, he drops his head against the window, and stares at the grey weather churring restlessly outside the car.

He picks out the brightest flowers from the store. Bright yellow roses, sunny compass flowers, burning orange and red marigolds, and then pairs them with soft pink carnations, and purple hyacinths. However, his eyes linger on two more flowers standing out in stark white among the colourful array of all of the other flowers. He debates it for a moment, standing there a little uselessly, arms already full to bursting with the other flowers.

But guilt gets the better of him, and he ends up adding in snowdrops, and asphodel’s to the mix anyway. It makes for… An unusual combination, and it’s certainly pointed out to him at the counter as he pays for the rather large bundle. Even Yunho raises an eyebrow at him as the now wrapped arrangement is handed back to him.

“That’s… a lot of flowers.” Junsu comments as they go back to the car, his eyebrows raised in shock, and eyes rolling across the assortment in awe. “You don’t normally take so many… Don’t you think it’s a waste?”

They’d been expensive, yes. But with guilt eating away at him tenfold. What can he do? He knows that they won’t make up for what’s happened – that being something that Jaejoong’s beginning to directly blame himself for. But, hopefully, wherever Yoochun is right now, they might bring a smile to his face.

“It’s fine.” Jaejoong tells himself firmly. “Yoochun… He likes- He liked bright flowers.” He mutters, clutching the bouquet a little closer to his chest.

Junsu doesn’t answer him. But Jaejoong catches the tight grimace that pulls at his lips as he starts the engine back up again. The sight burns at him little, and Jaejoong decides to keep quiet once more, knowing that he must have said something wrong to have set off such a reaction.

Thankfully, the silence doesn’t last all that much longer. The florist had only been a short distance from the cemetery, and Jaejoong feels tight sensation of knots begin to form in his stomach as he spots the sight of wrought iron gates growing closer. He finds himself tensing up unexpectedly, body closing in on itself as the dread of the situation rises.

He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave the car. He doesn’t want to see the sight of Yoochun’s grave.

But Yunho walks around to his side of the car and raps his knuckles against the window of the door, a reassuring smile pulled across his lips; strained, but still ever supportive. Jaejoong looks at him and takes a breath, one that leaves his lips with a shudder. He tries for a smile of his own, but he just knows that it’s too forced from the sorrowful look that wrenches across Yunho’s face, and he ends up gripping the flowers in his lap tight enough to hear the paper wrapping them together crinkle within his grip.

Before he can open the door to tell Yunho that he just can’t do this, the door opens for him, and Yunho stands there with an outstretched hand, and hopeful expression.

“Come on.” Yunho says earnestly and stretches his hand out a little further to him. “We can do this. You can do this.”

Unable to decline, he takes Yunho’s hand, and allows himself to be pulled from the car. He avoids the sheer power of Yunho’s gaze, tilting his head to the side, and instead catches a rather narrowed look from Junsu. He looks… Bitter? Oddly so, and Jaejoong for the life of him can’t figure out why. However, when Junsu realises that he’s been caught staring, he whips his head away pretty sharpish, gaze swinging offside to look at a memorial.

Ever puzzled by Junsu’s hostility, he turns to look back at Yunho imploringly, half wondering if he’d caught the exchange. But when he circles back to him he finds Yunho shooting an annoyed, slightly defensive, look in Junsu’s direction. It at least answers his question on whether or not he’d caught on. Yet, it also leaves him even more confused over just what had gone off.

“Let’s go.” Yunho mutters, taking his hand, and squashing himself close to his side in order to hide the action between their oversized jackets; a sudden throw back to when they’d been younger and attempting to be discreet.

Jaejoong moves right along with him, the pair of them catching up to Junsu in no time and following him up a winding pebbled path. He’d thought the most emotion part was done with. Now knowing that Yoochun was gone, having been told, and then wrapping his mind wrap around that had to have been the worst part, right?

Yet, when he comes face to face with the headstone engraved with Yoochun’s name in carefully etched characters, something seems to break further; and not for the first time he wonders if it’s the last remaining shreds of his sanity, or the left-over fragments of his heart. As though his will to continue had been blown from his body by a passing breeze, he drops to his knees in front of the grave, flowers falling down with him and pooling at his knees like spilt milk.

He can’t say anything, and even if he could, he doubts the words would have made it past the solid lump in his throat that had taken up residence the moment Yoochun’s final resting place had come into sight. His shoulder hunch up, and he reaches out with one shaking hand to gently press his fingertips against the solid cold stone, slowly tracing his best friend’s name.

When had it been? The last time he’d seen Yoochun? It felt like a lifetime ago now. But in reality, was it only two days ago? He’d been alive then, obviously. Alive, and well. Perhaps a little ragged from lack of sleep, and long hours spent pouring over melodies, and lyrics. But he’d chuckled good naturedly when Jaejoong had answered the door with a fresh bed head, stumbling over that new rug he’d placed down to cover a rather large wine stain from that time when he’d been a little too enthusiastic while re-filling his empty glass. They’d talked until the early hours, both merry from drinking too much whiskey, and warm from basking in old memories, and good company. He’d left in good spirits, leaving Jaejoong with a warning to not sleep with the air conditioning on, and laughing when Jaejoong had pouted back at him with a complaint about being treated like a child even though he was older.

He wondered if they’d perhaps done the same in this life at some point.

“Why?” He asks to no one in particular, pulling back his hand to cover his mouth as a harsh sob threatened to spill forth.

A presence moves behind him, and Jaejoong watches as Junsu reaches down, and collects up the flowers. He neatly arranges them in place at the grave with careful precision, righting the stems, and adjusting the heads. Once done, he kneels beside Jaejoong quietly for a moment, eyes staring straight ahead at the grave with a sombre expression.

“You should know why.” Junsu says, tone flat, and slightly accusing against Jaejoong’s ears. “I can’t believe you’re even asking.”

“What?” Jaejoong croaks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion; somehow, he doesn’t quite like where this is going.

“No, it doesn’t matter. We shouldn’t go over old ground again.” Junsu sighs. “Forget that I said anything.”

“No.” Jaejoong says softly, still staring at him in shock. “You can say it.” He prompts tentatively.

Junsu frowns again, but this time it looks more thoughtful than angry. He seems to mull something over internally, maybe weighing up whether he should actually say it or not. But finally, he sighs, putting Jaejoong out of his misery.

“I’ve… I always blamed you a little.” Junsu admits, keeping his gaze fixed resolutely on the ground. “I know it seems harsh, and I know it wasn’t all your fault. But, it’s hard not to trace it back to you sometimes.”

The admission hits him like a brick to his chest, and the cold bleed of pain that spreads through him is crippling. His breath leaves his lungs in a shuddering gasp, fingers automatically balling into fists tight enough to press crescent shaped cuts into his palms.

“I don’t-” Jaejoong starts to say, words sticking to his mouth like syrup.

“If you hadn’t said anything at that time... If you had just listened to what we were saying.” Junsu stresses, his stony expression crumbling around the edges. “Maybe he might have, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out this, and he might have still been here.”

“Junsu.” Yunho suddenly says, his voice a steel knife edge, cutting off Junsu’s explanation as though he were slicing through butter.

It’s a warning. One that promises repercussions if Junsu doesn’t heed it. But Jaejoong just knows he’ll never get any answers if he stays quiet; especially given that Junsu had looked to have gritted his teeth in an attempt to hold back any further comments.

“It’s ok.” Jaejoong says. “Let him say it Yunho.”

“Jae...” Yunho murmurs softly in disbelief.

“I want him to tell me.” Jaejoong adds when he catches Yunho gearing up to make a retort.

“Okay, sure. Go ahead. But I don’t want to hear it.” Yunho says, frowning at them both for a second before he glances away. “Dragging back all these bad feelings isn’t going to accomplish anything, and it won’t bring Yoochun back.”

“Maybe.” Junsu says slowly. “But it will make me feel better.” He quips.

Yunho’s lips pulls into a thin line and looks like he might say something in return for a moment. But before he can, Jaejoong shoots a look over his shoulder to him, eyes flaring wide, and mouth the word “don’t”. The result is Yunho rolling his eyes, and giving a particularly heavy sigh, before he walks off back down the path they’d taken.

“Wow.” Junsu marvels. “Never thought he’d actually cave like that. But there again you’ve always had a way of twisting his arm.”

“You make me sound like a manipulative wife.” Jaejoong laughs humourlessly.

“Aren’t you?” Junsu comments, dipping his head sharply when Jaejoong turns a hurt expression in his direction. “Sorry, that was... Unnecessary.”  He apologises, fingers rolling the hem of his jacket between finger and thumb.

Jaejoong pauses, grimacing at him for a moment, but decides not to comment on it.

“So, you were saying before?” He asks instead, eyes trailing away again.

“It comes back to Japan.” Junsu sighs, folding his arms over his knees. “He asked you, didn’t he? About leaving SM – I know he did; even if you won’t admit it.”

“He did.” Jaejoong confirms, and bites his lip in worry – was it meant to be a secret? “But surely that’s not-”

“It all stems for there.” Junsu cuts in, dropping his chin to his folded arms resting on his knees. “That was the point where everything started to fall apart. It was the catalyst for everything.” He says glumly. “He never said anything, because you told him to hang in there, thinking that it would get better. But SM just kept pushing, and he could only take so much before he came crashing down. That string of failed relationships, and the drinking problem – they were the signs. They were right there in front of us, and we didn’t do enough…”

Jaejoong stares dead ahead at the headstone before him, eyes prickling with tears as he imagines Yoochun crumbling under the weight of mounting pressure from the company. There’d been in a time in his life where he’d started to self-destruct, and he’d only made it through with the help of Junsu, Yoochun, and the support of his family. The thought that he hadn’t been doing the same for Yoochun is a low blow to him, one that makes him cringe within his skin.

“I don’t think the split helped either…” Junsu adds, his voice casual, but tired, and Jaejoong’s world tilts on its axis at the calm admission.

Split? The group had split? Despite his best efforts to prevent just that, it had still happened? His heart sinks at the thought, and he stares down at the dirt with a crushed expression. He could only hope that things had at least ended with a little less turbulence this time – and hopefully, given that Yunho, and he, were still living together, it had been just that.

“It was tough. Everything was moving so fast, and we were climbing higher, and higher. Right up to such dizzying heights. They wanted more every time we had a comeback, expected that we could just keep giving them better results. It was too much, and we were slowly falling off the rails.” Junsu continues, his eyebrows pinching as he pauses, a troubling memory surfacing. “We told you we couldn’t keep up. But you just kept saying it over, and over again. That things would be ok, and we just had to keep holding on. But then it happened, SM just made the call. One moment we were all working towards the same goal, and then next we were scattered, SM deciding to split the group and send us off to do our own thing. Yoochun just couldn’t handle it.” Junsu continues, looking just as peeved as before when he’d first revealed his contempt.

“But that’s-” Jaejoong goes to argue, but Junsu whips his head back to him, eyes narrowed in anger.

“If you’d just seen it back then, if you’d not told him to wait it out, if you’d looked past your little bubble of happiness you were living in with Yunho, even just for a moment, and seen what was happening then- Well, maybe he’d still be here!” Junsu hisses, dropping his gaze again stubbornly. “But no. You just had to put your relationship first, right? Because God forbit we split, and you didn’t have the chance to continue your relationship with Yunho, right? We all know that Yunho would never leave after all. He’s a company man through and through. You knew that. So you told Yoochun to give it up.”

Jaejoong’s mouth drops open, and he stares at Junsu in stupefied horror. He suddenly remembers the look of betrayal on Junsu’s face the last time he’d been in the past. That rather nasty look he’d shot at him after Yoochun had gone over to speak to him. He’d suspected before that Yoochun had relayed Jaejoong’s decision to pull out from leaving SM. But he supposes that this just confirms it for sure.

“So yeah, I suppose I’ve always felt that it was partly your fault. Because from that point on, things were never the same, and I know that if we had gone, if you have of agreed to go, that things would have turned out different.” Junsu says, all while having a one-sided staring match with the pebbled ground below.

Jaejoong knows it’s the truth. He knows that if he’d have given the go ahead, and thrown in with Yoochun, and Junsu, that things would have gone differently. Hell, he’d lived through one of the many options that that decision led to – and he’d seen quite a few more.

But this right here had to be the worst of all of them, far beyond the pain of the split, and the torment that had followed.

Guilt washes over him once more, combined with the hurt of Junsu accusations.

“I-I’m sorry.” He chokes, teeth biting into his lip to stop himself from sobbing. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Junsu doesn’t say anything in return, and Jaejoong feels the burn of shame wash over him, a sudden onslaught of self hatred that churns through the grief with a fiery intensity.

Forcing back the lump in his throat, he gets up from the ground, casting his eyes to Yoochun’s grave and burns the image into his mind, and runs. He traces back the steps that Yunho had took, racing down the pebble dash path, and feeling his shoes slip and slide against them. He stumbles, and nearly falls face first to the ground more than a couple of times, faintly wondering if it was merely adrenaline that was keeping him upright at this point.

He finds Yunho at the end of the path, half turned towards him, eyes alight with concern, and stops.

“Hey, are you alright?” Yunho asks, holding an arm out to him.

He’s not, he’s really not, and it must show, because Yunho sighs and shakes his head at him, lifting his arm a little higher in a come-hither gesture. Jaejoong follows the instruction, but as he flies forward, he doesn’t take his hand, but rather leaps into his arms, and sobs.

“Can we go now? I just want to go home!” He wails, unable to tell if he meant back to his own timeline, or back to the cosy home that Yunho and he had built here.

Either had to be better than the silent sight of Yoochun’s grave serving as a constant reminder of his mistakes.

Yunho never questioned it though, not when he’d calmed down enough to form proper sentences beyond the broken words he’d sobbed out before, nor when Junsu had come traipsing back to them in slow, meek, steps. He looks a little sheepish, but, he too doesn’t say anything – at least not to Jaejoong. He simply mutters something about dropping them back home and unlocks the car.

There’s not much to say when they roll up back home either, and Jaejoong doesn’t even try to make conversation. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything left to say between them. He knows how Junsu feels, and he’s pretty sure that Junsu knows he doesn’t have anything to say back to him in defence. After all it’s not like he can tell him the real truth.

Which means that they part in silence, with Yunho muttering something about meeting up when Changmin got back. Junsu doesn’t make comment on it, but he does offer a subtle noise of agreement, and a stiff nod that looks ridiculously forced.

Then he’s gone, speeding off from the side of the road like a bullet train. Jaejoong makes a point of watching him until his car darts off around the corner, and once he’s disappeared completely, he lets Yunho lead him away, discreetly placing a hand at his arm.

“Come on, let’s go and take a nap.” Yunho suggests quietly, and Jaejoong can only just managed to nod his head in slow agreement.

-X-

Soft waves of vanilla rouse him from sleep. It smells so good, and he stretches out, rolling onto his stomach, and pushing himself back into the welcoming puffiness of the pillow. His mind feels a mess, and the last thing he wants to do right now is properly wake up and face whatever drama is lying in wait for him in this world.

He cushions the pillow beneath his chin, eyes half mast, and staring at nothing in particular as he thinks back to Junsu’s accusing words from before. Suddenly he doesn’t dare move, terrified of what damage he might cause if he does. There’s one thing for certain, he doesn’t ever want to make that big of a mistake again.

He wonders if he can get away with just dosing peacefully in this world until the universe decides to move him onto the next storm…

Relegated to doing just that, he lets his eyelids start to close again, heavy with the desire for sleep. Or, at least, he goes to just that. But a loud bang of a door clanging against hard wall reverberates, jerking him from any kind of sleep that might have been pulling at him. He bolts upright in alarm, eyes landing on the prim and proper form of his fourth eldest adopted sister, Sookjin. She’s stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, wearing the most flattering of pretty dresses, her hair piled on top of her head in tight looking rollers, with an equally tight frown on her face. She looks in the midst of getting ready for something, and apparently, judging from her tone at least, his sleep had somehow interrupted that.

He’s in trouble – clearly.

“Kim Jaejoong!” She states, voice pitched in stern disapproval. “Would you care to tell me why you’re still in bed at this hour?”

Well no, he really wouldn’t – is what he’d like to reply. However, he knows from experience that that kind of sassiness never went down particularly well; not with any of his eight sisters. Which is why he keeps his mouth shut, and instead goes for a pouty puppy dog look, hoping that it might bring out the softer side of Sookjin, and possibly garner him some extra sleep.

He’d forgotten that the universe was conspiring against him though.

“Don’t you give me that look!” Sookjin scolds, wagging her finger at him in a very disapproving mother manner. “How could you sleep in on your wedding day!?” She asks, sounding utterly horrified – about as much as Jaejoong does as he realises just what she’d said.

His… Wedding day?

His mouth drops open at the words, mind reaching back as far as can, digging into the recesses of his memories to dreg up a catalogue of people who he could possibly be marrying. Maybe his ex-girlfriend from eons ago – the one from way back before he’d even entered SM. Or maybe a girl from his very small pool of female friends?

His mental catalogue closes abruptly, however, when he remembers that this might not even be within the realms of his timeline, and stops himself short. Was this just another alternate reality again? If so, then it could be any girl up on the chopping block, depending on how he’d lived his life this time round.

“Please let them at least be someone I’m familiar with.” He prays internally, rolling his head back to stare up at the ceiling.

“Come on already Jaejoong!” Sookjin calls again loudly from the other room. “Don’t make me shower you myself – because I will!”

Threat in place, Jaejoong drags himself from the bed, eyes spying what looks to be a bathroom off to the side.

“And hurry up, the others will be round in half an hour!”

Dully noted, he showers himself quickly, rinsing away the last dregs of sleep still clinging to him, and wrapping himself in the fluffiest of towels he can find once he’s done. He feels a hell of a lot fresher, than when he’d woken up, and clarity returns to him in a steamy rush, his mind finally able to focus enough to eye the bottle of body wash he’d used. Something about it seems familiar, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

Deciding to leave it alone, he wanders back into the bedroom, and finds his sister dusting down a regal looking suit frantically with a lint roll clutched tightly within her hand. He admires it for a moment, rubbing a towel slowly through his hair. It’s definitely something he would have picked himself for a special occasion. Black suit trousers, a matching black dress shirt with white decorative t around the collar, and finally, to compliment the whole thing, a charcoal grey tweed jacket.

“Nice isn’t it?” Sookjin asks smugly, smirking over her should when Jaejoong blinks in surprise. “I wasn’t so sure when you sent me the pictures. But, I’ll admit, it looks like you’ve still got taste.”

Jaejoong scoffs at that, launching the towel he’d been using to dry off his hair at her, and grinning when she squeals; a complaint about ruining her hair falling from her lips.

“I swear to God Jaejoong, if my hairs even a hair out of pla-”

“Jaejoong!”

Sookjin pauses her rant abruptly, eyes widening as the voice echoes, followed by a stampede of footfalls.

“Ah, the circus has finally arrived.” Sookjin states, turning in time to see the rest of Jaejoong’s sisters appear in the doorway like a cluster of excited school girls.

“Why are you not ready?!”

“There’s only two hours left before we need to go!”

“Sookjin’s already here?”

“Where’s your suit?”

“You’ve only just showered?!”

Jaejoong exchanges a grim look with Sookjin briefly.

His sisters, while they meant well, are not much help. They prim, and pester him, offering complaints, and not many compliments until he does things their way. Hands fuss with hair, his clothes, and makeup, busily making alterations to the point where Jaejoong can’t even tell the difference between one change and the next.

Which leads him to, in the end, kick them out of the bedroom altogether, declaring that he’ll dress himself it takes a couple of attempts to do so, but they eventually leave him with matching sulky looks, huffing at him to hurry as they politely close the door behind them. He rolls his eyes, turning back to the mirror, and staring at his reflection in contemplation. He could do this, it was just a matter of following what his stylists usually did. He could that. After all, he often did his own makeup before leaving his apartment.

He decides on a simple look, after a cursory glance at the pallets available. Eyeliner, and a soft dusting of eyeshadow – just to cover the subtle shadows of sleep under his eyes. He leaves his hair in the style his sisters had gone for. Soft brown locks parted at the side, and ruffled into stylish, semi bedhead, look that he somehow manages to pull off with ease. So much so, that he catches himself staring at himself in the mirror for a moment, thoroughly assessing the look for a final time before he heads to the door while hooking his arms through the sleeves of the jacket as he goes.

His sisters greet him in a bubble of chatter as he steps through the door, turning him round, and round, with busy hands, and judging his handywork with critical eyes. It’s all for nothing through, because they end up gushing in the end, pressing their hands together in delight, and expressing their utter joy for him. A smile pushes its way to his face automatically, and for a brief moment he finds himself completely forgetting about everything else, simply content to stand and celebrate with his sisters for a while as they bring out small containers of food, and ample cups of peach blossom tea.

The soft chime of the doorbell stops the festivities short, however, and one of Jaejoong’s sisters quickly volunteers to go and answer it.

“It’s probably the flowers!” She calls over her shoulder, dress spiralling out around her as he turns.

“Flowers? You ordered more!” Sookjin calls to her, moving to follow her out in a rush of motion.

Jaejoong laughs at the pair of them, while his youngest older sister pins a small boutonnière to his jacket.

“Oh, Jaejoong! It’s Yoochun!” His sister yells from the other room.

Jaejoong freezes in place, his smile dropping from his face, a wide-eyed look of shock swinging in place instead. He turns away quickly, his sister squeaking as the flower she’d been fixing in place ends up being ripped from the fabric of his jacket. He ignores it though, rushing through the living room, and coming to an abrupt halt as he stares at their visitor conversing with his sisters.

Yoochun looks up, as dashing as ever suited and booted in fitting formal attire, and grins broadly at him when their eyes meet from across the room. Something warm bubbles inside him, rushing up to his eyes, and spilling over in the form of tears as he takes in the sight of his friend standing there with a smile as wide as the pacific.

He doesn’t even think about it, there’s no time, before his legs start moving forwards without having to be told. Arms open wide, engulfing Yoochun as soon as they meet, and he sobs into his shoulder like a lost child reunited with their parent. A hand brushes against his hair, carding through the strands soothingly, and a warm voice rumbles words of comfort against his ear.

Jaejoong lets it soak in, revelling in the feeling of Yoochun’s warmth, his presence, his every breath that signalled that he was alive, and that this time, Jaejoong’s meddling hadn’t inadvertently caused his death.

“What’s all this about, huh?” Yoochun chuckles, folding his arms tighter around him, gently rocking them both back and forth.

“Its pre-marriage nerves is what it is!” One of his sister coos, sounding moved from such a sudden display of affection.

“Well, not that I’m not utterly touched, and all. But I think you’re meant to cry when you see Yunho, not me!” Yoochun laughs.

Jaejoong immediately pulls back from him, eyes still watery, and rounded with shock.

“Yunho?” He whispers breathlessly.

The church is like something from a fairy-tale. Jaejoong recognises it immediately as one of the churches he’d driven past many times before within the heart of Seoul. But he’s never once thought he’d ever marry there in a million years. Mainly, because he’d never thought he really would ever marry – despite having fantasied about it before.

He arrives with his sisters, and Yoochun, all of them having piled into a white limousine, with the idea being that they would meet everyone else there. Jaejoong had apparently wanted it that way and had planned it all down to the last detail. Down to the last detail is how it seems plays out too, as when Jaejoong opens the door to get out, he sees his mother standing at the tops of the steps, her hand held up high waving to them. She’s not alone either, around her are a smattering of children, all dressed up in matching pretty dresses, or miniature suits. They too seem excited to see them arrive, and when Jaejoong moves closer he realises that the children are in fact his nieces, and nephews.

“Aren’t they just the sweetest!” His mother says, adjusting the flower crown settled neatly atop the head of one of his nieces.

“Yes, and a nightmare trying to keep them clear until the ceremony is over!” One of his sisters comments, reaching to hold back her son from running off into the grass.

Jaejoong chuckles, leaning down to greet the children, who are suddenly fascinated with him.

“Uncle Jae looks like a prince!” One of his nieces exclaims, her eyes wide as she reaches up to pet his hair.

“No way!” Another cries, and pouts. “Uncle Yunho’s the prince!” She argues.

“Oh? So, you’ve seen him already?” Jaejoong asks, grinning as the two turn to him with matching smiles, a flutter of nerves flaring as he thinks of Yunho stood at the end of the isle.

“Yeah!” His nieces chorus, jumping up and down as they point towards the doors of the church. “He looked really scared!”

“Hah, second thoughts is what it is.” Yoochun says as he comes over to them. “But I suppose I’ll get to see for myself now.” He adds, clapping a hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Good luck.”

With that Yoochun disappears inside, offering a cheery wave over his should as he goes. Jaejoong feels like he really will need the luck too, as a few moments after he hears the music begin to play, and he erupts into nerves again as he watches his sisters gather up the children into their places within an organised line ready to go in.

His mother moves beside him, and Jaejoong tenderly hold his arm out to her, and she takes it, looping her hand through to hold. She smiles at him so tenderly, and Jaejoong sees the beginnings of tears form within her eyes, and by pure instinct he reaches across brush them away as they try to escape.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you!” She coos, voice lowered to a hushed whisper. “Yunho’s a fine man, I’m sure you’re going to be so happy together.”

Jaejoong smiles right back at her, reaching to squeeze her hand within his own. He’s sure she’s right, he knows she’s right.

He’d been somewhat shatter shocked earlier by the revelation that it was Yunho that he’s marrying. They’d talked about it before, frequently actually, during their late nights cuddled up together in bed after a steamy round of ing. He’d wanted to run away after the high of their career was over and marry in secret. The amount of times he’d fantasised about it was probably laughable. But Yunho had indulged him often back then, chuckling against the top of his head, and giving occasional drops of input, or asking the odd question here and there.

Of course, he’d known it could never actually happen. At least, not unless they wanted a mass media witch hunt, the hatred of both their families, and the disapproval of a large portion of their fanbase to rain down upon them. It was a sad, but rather real, reality due to the view around homouality in their country.

However, it seemed that here, in this universe, things were far different.

“Oh! Quick, I think it’s starting!” Jaejoong hears his mother call. “Where’s Yoochun? Has he already gone in to stand with the other best men?”

His sisters start to flutter about, checking that everything was perfect for a final time, arranging both themselves, and the children, adjusting dresses, suits, and hair to ensure they were picture perfect again. They are of course, and Jaejoong tells them so, just as the haunting music of the ‘Wedding March' sounds from beyond the door of the church, and tell-tale sounds of people getting to their feet echoes shortly after.

He takes a deep breath, his mother her thumb against the back of his hand comfortingly, sending him the softest of reassuring looks as his sister begin to pile in through the doors.

The doors swing back, opened from the other side by two suited and booted men who smile as the lines begins to move. He can barely breathe, nerves sending his stomach all a flutter as he looks around at the many familiar faces filling up the pews. It’s even more surreal to see them all so happy, some even wiping away stray tears as they pass.

But the real wonder, the one that brings a misty film of tears welling to his eyes, is the sight of Yunho, stood tall, and handsome at the end of the aisle, with a mystified look of disbelief slapped across his face. He’s dressed in the most fitting of suits; one that makes him look ever the rich business man, and yet still the most fetching of men that Jaejoong’s ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. They’d even seen to have gone for matching suites, with Yunho wearing the same colour scheme as him – something that makes his heart leap a little in glee.

He tries to smile at him, even though the he can feel the first of many tears begin to trickle down his face; and he can only hope that the make-up he’s applied that morning was water proof to the max. But Yunho melts into a smile too, practically beaming at him by the time Jaejoong’s walking up to the steps to meet him. He reaches for his hands eager to bring him up next to him, but Jaejoong turns back to his mother first, planting a kiss to her cheeks, and whispering a soft “thank you”, before she departs to stand beside his father in the pews closet to them; and he makes sure he smiles to him too.

Yunho waits through the exchange, dipping his head to Jaejoong’s parents politely, before Jaejoong takes his hand, moving to stand beside him proudly. He spots Changmin, Yoochun, and Junsu standing just off to the side of them, Yunho’s sister’s husband with them. They each give him a cheeky smile, along with a quick round of thumbs up. It’s a sweet gesture, one that has him hiding a bubble of laughter behind his hand; ignoring the fluttering sounds of camera shutters going off somewhere to his left.

“You look ethereal; as always.” Yunho whispers to him, his voice a soft breath, as though amazed.

Jaejoong dips his head, unable to bite back the smile that surfaces in reaction to the words. An action that earns him a grin, and Jaejoong takes a sneaky glance up at him.

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” He jokes good-naturedly, delighting in the throaty chuckle he gets in return. “Handsome as ever.” He adds, and it’s the truth.

Yunho always did look simply dashing in a suit; and even better when he was stood at the end of the aisle waiting to marry him. Yet that thought sends a trickle of sadness surging through him, and he suddenly can’t help but feel a little disheartened, knowing that this would never be something he’d be able to experience back in his own world.

He wonders if the sadness behind the thought shows, as Yunho lifts his chin with a gentle hand, and offers a carefully concealed look of concern.

“You ok?” Yunho asks, a worried look glossing across his features. “Not having second thoughts, are you?”

Jaejoong gapes at him in shock, eyes blinking quickly as he takes the question in. How could Yunho even ask that? This was like walking into his perfect future, one he’d always dreamt about! Surrounded by their friends, and family (who were actually seemingly happy for them), and actually being able to marry each other without the fear of rejection.

How could he ever have second thoughts about that?

“No.” He whispers gently, slowly pressing his forehead to Yunho’s, as the priest steps forward to begin the ceremony. “Never.”

The words are all lost between the shock, and endless stream of overwhelming thoughts that rush through his head at every opportunity. He’s not even sure how he’d made it through the vows, and he’s pretty sure he’d messed up at several points. But if he had, no one comments on it, which leads him to believe that he couldn’t have messed it up all that bad – especially considering that Yunho manages to hold his gaze for the entire time with a tender smile gracing those ever-kissable lips.

“Now, if we could have the rings.” Their vicar says, and all eyes turn to Changmin, who fumbles for the briefest of moments, before stepping forward, and offering up the rings to the vicar.

Jaejoong smiles to their youngest, mouthing a quick “thank you” to him as he takes his place beside Junsu, and Yoochun once more.

Eyes then fall to the rings in question, and his chest tightens as he makes a sudden realisation. The rings looked eerily familiar to the same Cartier brand that countless fans had linked them together by in the past. In particular they look exactly like the Cartier Wedding Rings that Yunho had brought for them a long time ago. They’d been a rather expensive, and spontaneous gift, one that had been accompanied by dinner out to a fancy restaurant, and a slow walk along the Han River afterwards. It was a memory that Jaejoong always cherished dearly, and to think that now he was being reminded about it in such a way, by a ring that he knew himself to still possess. Well, it sure was an emotional kick back alright. So much so that he has to tip his head back just a little, and blink away another fresh wave of tears that threaten to ruin his makeup just that little bit more.

When he dips his head back however, he notices Yunho watching him with a cheeky smile, and a knowing look that says that he’d expected the shocked expression on his face.

“I could tell that you preferred this set.” Yunho laughs, leaning his forehead against his. “So, I went back and exchanged the ones we picked out before.”

Jaejoong laughs with him, but it’s far more chocked from the tears that have now burst the banks of his eyes, and he quickly moves a hand to his mouth to hide his giggles; a habit he can’t seem to break even now. Their audience behind seems amused to, and Jaejoong can hear the sound of resounding soft chuckling echo about the church; a quieter chorus of endearment mingling its way in.  

He’s not entirely sure how he makes it through the rest of the ceremony without completely breaking down, nor is he sure how he manged to keep things PG13 when they’d finally been allowed to seal the marriage through a single kiss. Things get just a little bit heated, but Yunho pulls away from him just before it goes any further and give him such a look of adoration that Jaejoong thinks he might just melt into a puddle of goo right there and then.

In truth he doesn’t really remember much of the after ceremony.

There had been a lot of dancing, speeches, and people coming up to both Yunho, and him to offer their congratulations. It’s exhausting talking to so many people at once, and it’s hard to let himself be at ease with the gaze of so many people’s eyes on them. Before he’d had to train himself to be careful with his actions concerning Yunho, never allowing himself to be too open with his affections while they were outside the comfort of the dorms. Of course, he hadn’t always been perfect, and every now and then he’d let a little too much seep through. Which of course would be met with Yunho’s careful reminders, the bemused looks of s, the prejudice gazes of their managers.

Which is why it’s hard to let go completely, and just allow himself to enjoy the moment. He figures Yunho must notice, and if he does, he doesn’t say anything regarding it. He simply seems to keep a steady hand at the small of his back, occasionally brushing reassuring movements into the fabric of his jacket – which is wonderful of him, and certainly keeps him grounded for the remainder of the reception. Especially when Yoochun stands up to make his speech, face filled with a mischievous, and slightly sly smile, that Jaejoong hadn’t realised how much he’d missed until his heart clenches painfully at the sight of it, and he has to take a slightly stuttered breath.

He manages to regale tales of their youth with the reminiscent, faraway, air of a dying man retelling age-old tales on his deathbed. From it Jaejoong discovers that he’s apparently a wedding planner; something that Yoochun certainly doesn’t miss the chance to play off on, dropping in witty jokes about him finally being centre stage of a wedding he’d planned for once. He also finds that Yunho and himself had known each other for a long time, being best friends back in the day, and that Yunho had come to him in regards to planning a wedding for himself and his girlfriend. However, instead of marrying her, he’d eventually fallen in love with Jaejoong, after a series of events that Yoochun hadn’t quite delved deep enough into for Jaejoong to figure out. The tale surprises Jaejoong, leaving him a little shocked to say the least, but everyone around them had seemed to be utterly smitten with the happy ending, and he catches his sisters sneaking cheeky looks his way throughout the speech.

Yoochun had ended on a happy note though, one full of sincerity, as he’d made a toast to them, lifting his glass up with such a genuine look of happiness that Jaejoong feels a lump of emotion form in his throat as he pictures Junsu knelt beside him in front of Yoochun’s grave.

He’s rather glad by the time Yunho takes his hand, and the announcement’s made that they’re leaving for the night. Once more they’re led out by a procession, and a white limousine awaits them just outside the reception hall. There’s a driver waiting with a door already open for them, and Yunho seems to know him from the way he thanks him for coming out at such a late hour to pick them up, followed by a comment about making sure he gets a good bonus at the end of the financial year. He wants to question that one, but from the overly cheerful look he gets from the driver, he assumes he must already know him too, and decides to simply smile back and keep his mouth shut as he clambers in.

“So where are we going now?” He asks Yunho, stomach b with excitement as he catches Yunho smirking.

“Oh, you’ll see.” Yunho tells him and taps his nose quickly. “It’s a surprise.”

If he’s honest, he doesn’t think that he could be any more surprised than he already is. But he finds himself wrong again – obviously. They’re taken to what looks to be the heart of Seoul, bright flashing lights zipping past them in a blur, and the limo pulls up beside a tall building that’s aglow with the height of luxury – and one that Jaejoong doesn’t quite recognise as he steps out from the limo.

He furrows his brow, trying in vain to place it, but ultimately isn’t able to. Yunho mistakes the look with a laugh, taking his hand, and leading him towards the front desk with a smile.
“Don’t look so surprised!” He smiles. “I made reservations a while back after you gave me permission to sort out our plans for after the reception. I knew you’d been wanting to stay here for some time. So, I figured that now was a best a time than ever.” He explains. “Of course, this is just to tide us over until tomorrow. Because tomorrow, we’re off to Jeju Island!”

“Y-you planned all this for me?” Jaejoong asks as they step into the reception, and he realises just how pricey the place must have been to book.

He’s been to more than a few hotels in his time. What with being a K-Pop star, and all; it kind of came with the territory. So, he’s more than well versed in hotels, and this one definitely fell within the 5-stars region. Not only that, but it was reaching for the top end of the 5-star scale.

He’s not wrong, their room is huge, with sweeping floor to ceiling windows lining the font facing wall, and the biggest bed Jaejoong’s seen grace a hotel room. It’s obviously a honeymoon suite, kitted out for couples – what with the rose petals scattered about the top of the covers, and decorated heart shaped scatter pillows. He faintly wonders if he checks the top drawer of the bedside cabinet if he’ll find a pack of condoms, and a strawberry flavoured bottle of lube.

His thoughts of exploration are cut short however, when arms wind around him before he can make for it, and he sinks back into them by instinct, sighing contentedly as he stares out beyond the windows at the twinkling lights of the city. He dares himself for a moment to be happy.

“So? What do you think?” Yunho asks him, lips finding their way to the skin of his neck, and lightly kissing him. “Have I done you proud?”

“You always make me proud.” Jaejoong replies, without missing a beat, and he means it without a shadow of a doubt. “But, to answer your question, yes - it’s amazing.” He adds, realising that Yunho’s looking for a compliment, not Jaejoong’s guiltily admission of words that he should have said more to his other self in another universe.

“Good.” Yunho says, squeezing him a little tighter. “Then, may I have the honour of taking my husband to bed?”

“Always.” Jaejoong laughs, turning in his arms to stare up at him before planting a kiss to his lips.

He cries when Yunho makes love to him. It’s messy, and he feels a little silly for it. He shouldn’t be crying on what was supposed to be the happiness moments of his life. But it’s not his life, and that’s the problem. It’s the life he’d once dreamed of, and spent many an hour detailing out with Yunho while they’d been locked up behind the thin veil of privacy that the dorms could offer them. This was literally the life he’d been longing for ever since the early beginnings of their relationship back in 2005.

So, he cries, and sobs heartfelt admissions of love into the crook of Yunho’s neck, all while willing away the beginnings of guilt towards his Yunho back in the tightly locked boxes of memories that start to eat away at him. He’s not cheating on him, but it still feels weird somehow, and by the time it’s over with he finds himself spent, and tangled within the mess of all kinds of emotions that are hard to place.

Which is why he leaves Yunho in bed, the other man seemingly tired, both from the busy day they’d just been through, and probably more so from the three rounded of heated they’d just had. He’d been zoning between consciousness, and Jaejoong had swept a hand through his hair, placing a kiss against his temple before he’d slid out of bed, grabbing the nearest article of clothing to him, and moving off towards the balcony.

The airs cool against his skin, and goose bumps prickle at him in protest to him being out there. But he needs it right now and wraps his arms around himself in a not so successful bid to will them away.

It feels all so very unfair. Giving him a glimpse of something he could never had, and he curses whatever being was putting him through all of this. What for end, he can’t help but wonder. Just what was it that he was supposed to learn, or realise, or do exactly? Nothing was becoming clearer, and if anything, each new reality he visited, the lines just felt as though they were becoming more, and more, blurry before him. The only thing he could imagine was that it was all some kind of punishment – one very sick recurring punishment designed to show him every heart-breaking route that he life could have taken.

But it seemed that now he was seeing the most heart-breaking of them all. A life that he could never, would never, and will never experience.

-X-

He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t want to open them and find himself a victim of the past once more. Instead he curls up on himself, pulling the star patterned duvet over his head, and willing himself back to sleep, and when that doesn’t happen he cries.

He’s not even sure what he’s crying about at this point. The yearning to wake up again back in the reality where he was allowed to love, and to marry, Yunho? Or perhaps the idea that there’s a world that exists where Yoochun was dead, and the blame seemed to rest at his feet? Or even just pure frustration over being stuck back in the past once more, waking up to once again relive the same damn day that had started this whole mess.

He settles on a combination of all three, body shaking, and heaving. The fear of waking Yoochun suddenly nags at him though, and he pulls himself from the confines of his sheets, wandering out into the living room slowly, and over towards the kitchen. Leaning against the worktop, hunching right over, he tries to compose himself, and screws his eyes up tight.

God, he just really wants to go back to his own reality already. He can’t take another one of these weird time trips back to the past – can’t bear to go through this day again playing happy family with a company that he felt had driven him to split from two of the most amazing people he’d ever had the fortune to meet.

Not only that, but now it seemed like every decision he made, each action he took that wavered from his original path sent him spiralling off into a completely altered future.

What if he caused Junsu’s death this time? Or Changmin’s? Or Yunho’s? He doesn’t want to have to go grave visiting again. He doesn’t want to have to hear another one of the members place the fault at his feet, or have to face the cold flame of anger brewing in their eyes. He just can’t go through with it again.

Caught within the snag of his own anger towards the situation, he jerks his arm out to the side, watching as a stack of plates balanced awkwardly on the counter go sliding off to the side before skidding off the surface, and plummet to the floor with a sharp crash. Fascinated, he stares as they break, shards scattering across the floor in an explosion of broken china.

Its loud, and it only naturally brings s running. It doesn’t take long for them to arrive, and stand before him, bed rumpled, and only half-awake staring at him blearily.

“Jaejoong?” Yunho asks, blinking furiously as he fights the groggy feeling of sleep from his system. “What happened?”

Jaejoong continues to stare at the mess he’d made, eyes zoning out as he loses himself in thought again. Perhaps there was a way to avoid this today. He just had to make it so he wasn’t around to experience it, right?

“Jaejoong!” Yunho snaps at him again, a frown now marring his handsome features, tone sharp, and ringing with that honourable leader authority that Jaejoong had once resented being aimed at him.

“Sorry…” Jaejoong replies slowly, bringing his head up to look at him finally. “Hand slipped.” He offers, shrugging his shoulders rather nonchalantly.

Yunho huffs at him, obviously irritated that he’s being less than forthcoming, and the others must sense the signs of an impending argument, because Junsu scuttles forward towards the scattering of china.

“It’s ok!” Their resident sunshine announces quickly. “We can get it cleared up in no time, right Jaejoong?” Junsu goes on to say, lifting his head up to look at Jaejoong for confirmation, a small pile of china shards already gathered within his hands.

“Don’t bother…” Jaejoong tells him slowly, already walking back towards Yoochun’s, and his, shared bedroom with a heavy sigh. “Everything will be back to the way it was again by the next today.”

His words cause a stir within the group, and even with freshly awakened minds, he clearly isn’t making much sense to them. Which is likely why Yunho follows him swiftly into the room as he starts to change himself into casual pair of dark jeans, and a simple t-shirt he’d found lying at the base of his bed. He assumes they’re his, and if not then it hardly mattered either – he’d been a serial clothes thief back in the day, and they say that old habits die hard.

“What are you talking about?” Yunho asks him, sounding equally as puzzled as Jaejoong currently feels. “Where the hell are you going? It’s 4am! Our manager will be here in an hour!”

“Good.” Jaejoong replies, snatching a jacket from the back of the door. “Then hopefully I’ll be long gone before he gets here.”

“Gone? You can’t go!” Yunho yells after him, seemingly astonished that Jaejoong would even consider walking out on them at such a time.

But Jaejoong aims to prove people wrong, and prove him wrong he does as he matches towards the door to collect his shoes, and leave. He hears Yunho make a distressed noise behind him, and Changmin confirms that he is indeed leaving with a rather dry remark stating the obvious. He hears a kafuffle of noise sound from behind him at the statement, and Yunho issues a command to someone to grab a jacket.

Jaejoong’s already off though, walking straight out the door, and down the stairs towards the main foyer. He can’t be here when their manager arrives. He doesn’t want to be there to be ferried off to their schedules and sit through another round of boring interviews, and radio appearances that he already knows all the answers to. No, this time the plan was to avoid it all completely. To wipe himself clean of the memory of today, and just not live it at all. Perhaps that had been where he’d been going wrong. Maybe the universe was trying to deliver him some kind of spiritual message about having to walk away from his bad experiences, and create a new, better, experience in its place.

Which he’s totally down for, and is the exact reason why he marches straight for the automatic sliding door leading out of the building into the busy main street. It’s still a little dark out, and the sun is still making its gradual climb in the sky, with most tall buildings still having that height edge, and therefore doing a grand job of blocking it out of view. This means that visibility is low, and cars rushing by still have their glaring headlights turned to dipped.

Jaejoong pulls the hood of his jacket up, trying to go for that inconspicuous looks he’d always been told to take every time he left the privacy of the dorms. While their Japanese fans were a great deal more considerate when it came to their personal space, Jaejoong had still learnt that over the years it never hurt to apply the better safe than sorry motto.

Feeling well concealed underneath the veil of his hood, he makes off down to street, heading towards a nearby crossing. He has a rough idea where he’s going, his memory stretching back to a cosy café that he’d used to visit – one that he now knew to no longer exist in the future.

However, he can hear a voice calling loudly from behind him, his name echoing through the air, making him cringe as he fights to keep his head down. Had Yunho lost his mind? That wasn’t a name to shouting about so loudly. Granted, it’s four in the morning, but Jaejoong still didn’t want to chance being ambushed in the streets by curious passers-by’s.

So, he makes the rational decision to stop, turning around to see both Changmin, and Yunho bolting towards him – which makes sense, considering that both of them have the longest legs out of the group. It still niggles against his bitter side that he has to admit it though, and he folds his arms defensively as his realises his mental admission.

“You really don’t need to follow me.” Jaejoong tells them as they come to a stop in front of him, both panting, and looking considerably flustered. “I realise that it might sound insane, but I just can’t deal with this today anymore, and nothing I do seems to be working out anyway. So, I figured the best way to deal with it is just to avoid it completely. Which is why I’m going to go and do just that.”

Yunho gives me the most befuddled of looks, his eyes blinking rapidly as he clearly tries to take in what Jaejoong’s saying – evidently with little success. Changmin’s a little quicker at catching on, and he takes a step back, folding his arms across his chest, eyebrow raised in question.

“You’re right, it doesn’t make sense.” Changmin says slowly, before he frowns, eyes pinching in concern. “Is this you having some kind of breakdown?” He then asks, giving Jaejoong a once over.

It’s enough to trigger his frustrations all over again. He can hardly go through this piece by piece right now. They were bound to think he was crazy; and Jaejoong doesn’t blame them, because he really does feel it.

“I just can’t seem to get it right!” He hears himself blurt, arms raising up in defeat as Junsu, and Yoochun, come rushing towards them with matching expressions of concern. “No matter what I do I just keep coming back here again! I try to keep us all together by leaving, and it goes wrong. I try to keep us all together by staying, and it goes wrong! I can’t win!” He rants, turning away from them to glare down the road. “I mean Yoochun even died, and I just- I don’t want to have to go through that again!” He finally shouts, bolting back round to point an almost accusing finger at Yoochun, his eyes glossing.

The outburst is met with silent shock, especially Yoochun who bulks at the announcement concerning his apparent death. Changmin even takes a moment to shoot a rather puzzled look towards him, as though double checking that Yoochun was indeed alive and well.

“And the best part is, no one even knows what I’m talking about! So now I just look crazy!” Jaejoong blurts, carrying on with his tirade, unbothered by the curious looks being sent their way by the few people milling about at such an early hour.

“Look, it doesn’t matter Jae, just come back inside, and we can talk about it.” Yunho says calmly, his eyes glancing to side apprehensively, and Jaejoong narrows his eyes.

“Yeah, ‘cause that worked out so well before!” He bites back, hands balling into fists.

“Jae! Just-” Yunho goes to say, and Jaejoong watches him reach out to snag his hand, and likely drag him back by force to the dorms – anything to get him to stop shrieking on the streets more than likely.

But Jaejoong twists away too quickly, turning towards the road again to leave.

“No!” He says firmly, eyes hard set as he glares at Yunho over his shoulder. “I’m done.”

Yunho’s eyes widen in horror, and he moves forward again, looking semi stricken as Jaejoong steps out to walk across the road. He doesn’t even think about it at the time, turning away from s and breaking out into a run. He doesn’t stop to think about why they’re suddenly yelling his name in such panic, simply putting it down to fact that he was showing himself to be deliberately running away from their schedule. He doesn’t stop to think for a second that it might be out of concern for his life. His life which flashes before his eyes as he turns to looks round to his left to see a small lorry heading right for him with headlights aglow.

There’s no time to even think about screaming, never mind do it, as the blaring din of a horn sounds above the loud shriek of terror of s. Rooted in spot he can only stand there as he takes in the sight for the brief two seconds that it takes for the collision to transpire. There’s pain, but only for a moment, his whole-body erupting like a volcanic explosion with blistering agony, before the world zips out like a light; his mind clearly unable to fathom the scale of the pain alongside the sheer shock of what was happening.

-X-

He’s awake, yet it feels as though he’s not. Heavy clouds haze him within a mush, which in turn causes a floating feeling to fall over him. He’s calm, overtly so, mind churning with a slow, slightly sluggish, sort of speed; almost of though he wasn’t quite all there.

He remembers the collision, though it’s a faint, foggy, and he’s not entirely sure on actual details of what had happened. But, he does know that his head aches to think about it, mind thrumming in an uncomfortable motion to the point where he has to press a hand to his temple to ease it.

Without thought, he turns, attempting to assess his current surroundings. They’re basic, and bare of any homely contents in a way that feels clinical. They don’t tell him much, and any indication he’d hoped to get slips short of him. He instead tries to think about getting up and maybe moving. But he finds he can’t. His body feels too lethargic, and that leaves him to lie back down within the stiff sheets of his bed that seem frighteningly familiar.

Was he in hospital again?

Before he can debate that horrifying thought, he hears a knock, and slowly turns to the door rather belatedly.

“Jaejoong?” A voice calls, feminine in tone. “You have a visitor.”

Jaejoong parts his lips to say something, but finds his voice falling short, and he frowns. Why did it feel like something was blocking him?  

The door opens, and a middle-aged lady is stood there, dressed in blue robes that look far too medical for Jaejoong’s liking. She’s smiling warmly though, and turns to her side, nodding to someone that Jaejoong can’t see. His hospital theory of slowly becoming more, and more tangible, and a ball of nerves well up inside him. Why would be in hospital again?

Before he can dwell on it, something feels as though it kicks in, and the nerves drop away, his body relaxing far too quickly that it leaves him reeling at the quick switch for a second.

“Well, someone seems calmer today!” The lady says to him, looking somewhat impressed, and pitching her tone as though she were talking to child rather than a fully-grown adult; the exchange leaves him ruffled, but once again the feeling dies away far too quickly.

He wants to ask why he wouldn’t be calm, or just maybe just question why he’s there in the first place. Yet his mind tangles once more, and becomes stuck on the questions, which leaves him sitting quietly, staring dumbly at the floor, eyes dropping lazily.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll perk up again soon – must be the medication kicking in again.” She mutters, though mostly to herself. “On that note! Look who’s here to see you!”

Jaejoong glances up again, and his eyes widen as he stares at the image of Yunho standing nervously in the doorway, a single paper bag in hand.

So again, I'm really sorry that this is so late! I've really been struggling with this chapter, and trying to get it right.. Anyway! Have fun with some yunjae links below!

Some notes on the flowers that Jaejoong brought for Yoochun:

Asphodel - regrets that follow you to the grave
Marigold - Grief, Despair, Jealousy
Yellow tulip - Cheerful thoughts, Sunshine, Hope
Snowdrop - Hope
Carnation (Pink) - I’ll never forget you
Compass Flower (yellow)- Faith
Hyacinth (Purple) - Sorrow, Please forgive me
Yellow rose (Yoochun's birth flower month of June) - Friendship, Joy, Gladness

Flower meanings taken from this site.

The Catier Wedding Bands that Yunjae have matching rings from:

Jaejoong’s wedding ring, these rings date back to like 2005??? ---> http://oyunjae.tumblr.com/post/169571166822/ohhh-new-secret-love-ring-from-cartier-love-it

Yunho has the matching silver one, images can be found here ---> http://ndoroganjenfesyen.blogspot.com/2012/04/yunjae-couple-rings.htmland here ---> http://kbblove.tumblr.com/post/154395873232/jaejoong-last-concert-before-enlisting-in-2015

Their most recent matching Cartier rings as of the date this chapter was uploaded ----> http://oyunjae.tumblr.com/post/166468804297/yunjae-and-their-cartier-wedding-bands

LINKS:
Here - for my main blog (taebyte)
Here - for my YunJae side blog (yunjaee)
Either's fine! I frequent both often.