Author's Note:

And so... it begins.

XIII.

do ut des.

i give that you may give.

In truth, Jongin wants nothing more than to sleep his worries away, but it’s barely even 7 P.M. and he knows if he doesn’t talk to Seulgi soon, he’ll end up retreating back into his brooding shell. After worrying her with his cold-shoulder treatments a few days ago, Jongin doesn’t have the heart to do so again, not after she had done so much to make him feel better. She'd expect him to tell her, he knows.

He doesn’t return to their chamber immediately. Instead, Jongin walks around the Palace Garden. He had hoped the fresh air can help clear his mind, but honestly, at this point every inch of the Andante Palace feels like a luxurious prison. Pretty, but still a prison. Sighing, Jongin sits in one of the gazebos to gather his thoughts.

“I’m too young for this bull.” he muses, and he knows it’s not a lie. He’s not even 25 yet, if he were an ordinary man he’d probably just started work and cussing his boss for being underpaid. But he’s not an ordinary man. He’s the future king.

Children.

He can’t even sort his own ing problem yet and his mother is edging him to have children. Jongin doesn’t want to imagine the look on Seulgi’s face if he told her about the Ichildren problem later. It’s going to be a painfully difficult talk. Actually, he sort of can imagine. The slight flinch on her shoulders she so often does when she hears surprising news, the furrowing of her eyebrows, eyes downcast as she racks her brains trying to come up for a solution. Just the thought of it makes his chest hurt.

Unconsciously, Jongin starts to pluck the leaves from the jasmine bushes that grow beside the gazebo. It feels rather hot and humid here, a contrast to the breezy hills he and Seulgi were at hours ago. He really needs to talk to her sooner or later because that’s what good adults do. Communicate.

That, and because he’s sure if he keeps on postponing the talk and keeps Seulgi in the dark, his mother would take matters into her own hands and Seulgi would be unprepared. Of course, she’s free to refuse having children soon, he’d give Seulgi her whole freedom and independence on this one, but at least she knows that it has been an issue for the Queen, and perhaps some of the councils, too, and they can come up with a plan… or a solution together.

Yeah, maybe he can do that.

But then Jongin thinks about his father and wonders what the old man would say regarding this matter. Would he be disappointed? Perhaps he will. Jongin’s heart sinks as he remembers his father’s unconscious figure. All Jongin ever wanted was to make him proud, to show him that Jongin can be the King his father expected, or even better than his expectations. If there is one thing Jongin fears the most, it would be disappointing his father. He wished he could talk to his father now, consult him, ask his opinion. Yet Jongin could almost imagine what the older man would say.

“If you keep on looking back to ask for approval for every step you take, you’ll never be able to stand on your own two feet.”

He knows that. He knows it's a bad habit that would lead him nowhere. But how can Jongin not be tempted to look back every once in a while when so many things rest upon his shoulders?

Expectations. That is what Jongin has been dealing with ever since he drew his first breath in this world. A baggage shackled to his feet even before he could understand what it meant. Wherever he goes, everybody always expects something from him. His parents expect a dutiful first son who can rule over Aria justly. His siblings expect an older brother they can always count on. Soojung expected...

Soojung.

His heart still twists painfully in his chest when he remembers her. There was a time when he would share his worries with her. She’d laugh, then, telling him he worries too much.

"Duty, duty, duty, it's all you ever think about. Loosen up!"

Numb. That's what life feels like after Soojung is out of the picture. Numb and hollow.

Jongin shakes his head. Instead, he thinks of Seulgi again. Seulgi in her blue dress, the flower crown she made and her brilliant smile. How she spoke to her people, the gentleness in her voice. She’s kind through and through.

“I’m glad I married you.”

He remembers Seulgi told him that. Her hands cupping her face as she speaks so gently, warmer than he ever deserved. So much kinder than how she should have treated him. She shouldn’t have been glad. She wouldn’t be glad if she knew.

No. Jongin thinks. He has sacrificed a lot of things and he’ll sacrifice a lot more in the future, and it’s alright. Jongin has come to terms with that. He has come to terms with so many adjustments in his life since he was very young. But he will not make Seulgi sacrifice herself even more and he will not force her to do anything she doesn’t want.

‘Let them be angry.’ he thinks, ‘I’ve done everything they wanted me to do, and I will do more. But I won’t force Seulgi to do something she doesn’t want.’

*

When he returns to their chamber, Seulgi has changed into a more comfortable clothing, sitting by the balcony as she reads a book. When she sees him, though, she quickly stands up and approaches him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks, searching for his eyes.

Tired. Worried. Exhausted. Anxious, and many more.

“Troubled.” Jongin settles, letting out a sigh before guiding her to take a seat on one of the sofas. Seulgi stares at him, a mixture of worry and curiosity etched on her face. He concludes, judging by their profession, that there will be an excessive amount of uncomfortable talks such as this one in the coming future. Right, Jongin thinks, he made the right decision then. “We have to talk.”

Wordlessly, Seulgi nods, schooling her expression and sits straighter. She looked like she wanted to ask questions, but decided not to.

Jongin can’t help the heavy sigh that escapes his lips. “Mother talked to me earlier,” he starts, looking up from his feet to her eyes. “But before I say anything, Seulgi, please know that I am not, and will never force you to do things you don’t want.”

Seulgi furrowed her brows a little. “Oh,” is the only thing she says, like she understands where this conversation is heading to. However, she said nothing else and waited for him patiently.

At first, Jongin debates whether he should tell her about the paparazzi pictures or not. However, not wanting Seulgi to learn about them in a much more uncomfortable way, Jongin decides to tell her.

“A paparazzi managed to take a picture of you and Song Mino back while we were at the theatre.” he starts, “He sent the picture to the palace and Mother has paid a sum to keep him quiet.”

Like a splinter twisting into his flesh, his heart sinks when colors rise to Seulgi’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry.” she blurts, blinking rapidly as her hands fidgets. “We were discussing the invitation to join the Foundation, that’s all, nothing more. We should’ve talked inside.” she shakes her head, shoulders slumping down as she looks at him in worry.

Jongin manages a smile. “I know and that’s not your fault, but that’s not the only problem.” he says before taking a deep breath. “Well, Mother’s a worry-wart and she’s worried if the paparazzi would release these pictures... people would think we have a troubled marriage. Worse, infidelity, and… and uh, she thinks an heir would help put people at ease and shuts down possible rumors in the future.”

Seulgi’s cheeks redden even more and this time, she looks away from his gaze. Quietly, Seulgi stares at a vase filled with fresh white rose in front of her, looking deep in thought while a battle is raging in her mind. He doesn’t miss the way her knuckles turned white as she grips her skirt. Jongin sees this as confirmation that Seulgi, indeed, isn’t ready.

“Children.” she mutters, thinking to herself.

“Seulgi,” he calls her softly. He shouldn’t have sat in front of her, he should’ve sat by her side. “I’m telling you this not because I wanted us to consummate the marriage soon.”

Contrary to what he expected, hurt flashes briefly across Seulgi’s dark eyes. But it’s very fleeting and he could have imagined it. Might as well didn't even exist. She looks up at him questioningly. “Then why?”

Jongin leans forward. “Just to let you know. Healthy partnership is based on good communication, right? I… I figured you’d want to know, have to know.” he says, smiling a little. “Now, we don’t have to do anything unless you’re one hundred percent ready for it, okay?”

Seulgi let out a sigh. “You’re right. I would like to know, so thank you, Jongin, really.” she starts, considering her options, fingers clawing at her skirt again. “But what happens if they release the pictures? What happens when your Mother’s worry becomes reality? What happens when everyone’s urging us to have children soon?”

Ever the dutiful, selfless person, Jongin notes, and that’s what makes him admire her even more. He wonders, though, if they strip her of her titles, her responsibility, her blue blood, who is the real Seulgi? What kind of person would Seulgi be like if duty isn't ingrained into the very essence of her being?

“Do you want to have children, Seulgi?” he asks instead, peering into her eyes.

Her cheeks start to redden again, even though he doesn’t understand why. She draws herself back, recoiling from him. “No. Not yet, at least, but if it’s our duty-”

“I’m not asking what is expected of you, I’m asking what you want.” Jongin shakes his head. He’s not surprised if Seulgi would do it for duty. They're quite similar in that way. But Jongin doesn’t want her to go through that, not when it doesn’t come from her heart. Their marriage might be a loveless one, but the conceiving of their first child… he wants it to be as… good as possible for h