Author's Note:

Thank you for your kind words, guys :") they really helped a lot.

I just finished watching Kingdom season 2 in one go yesterday and I... man I think I'm in love with Lee Chang mark my words there is no man on this world that is as selfless, honorable, just, and kind as CROWN PRINCE LEE CHANG akjnekjrnkejnr i legit cried but whew.

Truthfully, I haven't been reading or watching anything good lately and that's why I have like 0 inspiration and will to write but after watching Kingdom I was like, damn, I'm so inspired. Netflix better renew it to season 3 or else I'll riot.

Anyway, moving on to the chapter. We're going to see a lot of Jongin's point of view, his drive, his constant mental battle between right or wrong (which will be very important in this story), I've been skirting around Seunghyun and the conflict because legit I have 0 experience in writing politics and I don't think I have the sharpest mind for that BUT I'LL TRY OKAY LET'S TRY this might be good or super bad but heck let's just go for it. 

Also, I love the end of this chapter, it's so ing ironic lmao. Do tell me what you guys think of this chapter!

Lastly, I hope you guys are taking good care of yourselves and your loved ones. I hope none of you or your loved ones has contracted the coronavirus, please stay healthy and stay safe. Wash your hands, wear mask if you're sick and maintain your distance with other people. Take care, guys!

Love,
Nat 

XI.

atrox melior dulcissima veritas mendaciis.

the bitter truth is better than the sweetest lies.

July 6th, 2016

Allegria, Aria Kingdom

“Is this a joke?” Soojung asks. She stares at him with a blank look on her face, her voice small, devoid of any emotions and that only terrifies him more.

Jongin wishes there’s just some way he could bail out of this conversation. He tries to reach out for her hand but she pulls away and his heart breaks even more. “I’m sorry.” his head hung low.

Soojung stays quiet but her face is still blank. “But why?”

“Aria and Altair are finally having peace-”

“And?” she cuts him off, her voice finally rising. “That still doesn’t explain why you and her should get married.”

He let out a sigh, feeling very, very exhausted. “It’s supposed to strengthen the bond.”

“You had the Decree already!” she retorts, standing up from the couch they’re sitting on and walks around the room aimlessly, needing to calm herself down. “And you agreed to it?”

Jongin looks up at her, disgusted at himself for causing such distress on Soojung. Her eyes are sharp and cold with anger. She has never looked at him like that before, even in their worst arguments. Perhaps this is the first part of an irreversible destruction.

“I can’t say no.”

“Bull!” she grits through her teeth. “Why, Jongin? Why? Is this Seulgi prettier than me? Oh, no, no, you’re not that dumb. Does marrying her make you look more fit to be King? To prove yourself?”

“This has nothing to do with that!” he’s standing too now and his voice is starting to rise.

“Of course this has everything to do with that!” Soojung waves her hand angrily, “God, Jongin, you’re always so eager to prove yourself it’s almost funny to watch.”

Jongin doesn’t have anything to say to that. He knows this isn’t going to end well. He had tried postponing this talk dozens of times but he knows it’s fruitless in the end. Soojung knew and she has been restless. There’s talk already, gossips that he passed off as rumor to reassure her even though it was, in fact, true.

The past few months have been tiring. Soojung has been tense like a high-strung bow. He knew she has been nervous and this topic has been brought up a couple of times in their conversations, which often consisted of him skirting around the topic and her getting angry. But Jongin did not want to talk about that. He didn't want to talk about their relationship's impending doom, he wanted to savor every last moment together. Her smile, her touch, her laugh, the taste of her lips and the softness of her body. He wished he could stay in that reality forever, until oblivion comes and death pulls them apart, yet he can't.

“Soojung, please, I don’t want this either, but this is for the good of our people.” he tries to reason, but Soojung scoffs.

“What do you actually want, Jongin?” she shakes her head. “Is this why you never want to make our relationship public? Is this why you kept on paying those reporters to shut up whenever they manage to snap a picture of us-”

“You hated those reporters, you hated the way they’re always all over your skin. I did that for you!” he replies, anger rising slightly because that accusation was just baseless and cruel.

She scowls, letting out a tired sigh to calm herself down. “Who proposed the idea? Was it your father? Didn’t your father say anything to that?” she bombards him with questions. “Did he or you, not explain that you’re currently in a relationship and we’ve been talking about marriage as well?”

“Some minister from Altair did and they all agreed. It was Yerim and Jaehyun at first, Father wasn’t having it and the ministers didn’t agree because Yerim and Jaehyun’s claim to their thrones weren’t strong enough. The Crown Princess of Altair is married already-”

“So that left you.” Soojung finishes, looking so broken.

“Soojung, I don’t want this as much as you.” he repeats himself, walking closer to her but she backs away, disgusted. If only she knew, if only she knew how many times he had argued with his father that he lost count. “I’ve tried to say no, I really did, I fought for us but they’re not having it, Father-”

But Soojung shakes his head, shutting her eyes because angry tears are threatening to spill. “Father this, father that, Jongin, you’re so pathetic.” she says, wanting it to sound cruel but her voice breaks as more tears slipped from her eyes. “Am I really that expendable?”

“No!” Jongin answers, trying to hold her hand even though she fights back, even though he doesn’t want to let go. “I love you. I love you and only you. Nothing in this world can change that. Married or not, my heart still belongs to you.”

Soojung shakes her head frantically and with every bit of her strength she pulls away. “Don’t you understand? It’s useless!” she sobs, fully crying now. “What good does it do for me? What can I do with your useless promise of loyalty? Oh, you’ll always love me, so what!? You’re still going to marry her, you're still going to be her husband and she’s still going to be your wife and you’re going to have a family together- something we should have had! And what will be of Princess Seulgi? Is she just going to provide you with legitimate heirs? What you did serves nothing good for me and for her!”

Jongin has had his own fair share of messy breakups but all of them pale in comparison to Soojung’s rage. He doesn’t even realize that he has started crying as well. “Soojung-”

“What are you going to reduce me to, Jongin?” she cuts him again, wiping her eyes even though more tears are spilling. “Am I going to be the side woman? The scarlet letter? The homewrecker?”

“No, you’re not. You’ll never be any of those.” he answers, sobbing as well because God, it hurts. It hurts so much but he has no choice. There’s nothing they can do to stop this. For the first time Jongin wished he could be anything else but the prince, anything else but the future king. “I love you, Soojung.”

Her face twists in anger. “ that, Jongin. I don’t know what kind of stupid definition of love you had in your head but this isn’t it.” she spats. “You told me not to worry. You told me everything will be okay. You told me you'll never leave me… If you love me… you should've put up a fight. You should've done more. But you didn't.”

Though engulfed in her rage, the hurt in Soojung’s eyes are truly raw and palpable. The suffocating pain matching his own. Once they only have love, a pure and loyal love. Now that love has been cruelly torn away.

"Soojung, please believe me when I said I have no choice." Jongin begs, almost kneeling in front of her. “Too many people have suffered. This war has gone on for far too long and innocent lives from both kingdoms have paid the price. This is a chance to make things right, to atone the sins we have committed against Altair. It’s for… It’s for peace.” he pleads.

Because how could he choose? When it comes to his own people… how can he choose for himself? Does it even matter what he wants?

“Get out.” Soojung says weakly.

“Soojung, no, please-”

“Get out.” She repeats sharply, turning away from him. “I ing hate you.”

Jongin doesn’t know how dying felt like but perhaps it’s close to this. The pain suffocates him so much that he almost had difficulty breathing. This is it. This is real. Three years of relationship went down in the drain over something they have no control over.

For a split second it feels bizarrely surreal. He could hold her hands, telling her the crown and the kingdoms and they could run off, live a new life and building the family they’ve always dreamed of.

But that’s just a dream. A childish dream. He can’t do that. Even if he does that Jongin knows abandoning his duties and people would be a regret he’d always carry until his deathbed.

“Alright.” he mutters, voice cracking. “But Soojung, know that no matter what my heart will always belong to you. Forever.”

He will always love her. Nothing can change that.

*

April 25th, 2018

Palatine, Aria Kingdom

“.” Jongin curses when Sehun manages to knock his sabre off and hit him in the face, which is thankfully covered by the mask.

Even the Sworn Knight looked surprised. So surprised that he took his mask off and stares at Jongin weirdly. “Alright, we need to stop.” he decides. “All of you, leave. The Crown Prince needs a private audience.” he says, forcing the other fencers and maids to scramble off the palace’s gymnasium.

“You don’t need to-” Jongin argues but Sehun wasn’t having it.

“Not you, Taemin, you stay.” he says instead, nodding at Jongin’s aide who’s already halfway leaving the gymnasium.

“Didn’t know you’re the one in charge now.” Taemin mutters, shaking his head.

“Yeah, but you still did it so who’s the now?”

Taemin shoots him a glare but it changes to worry when he caught Jongin’s state. The prince hasn’t said anything and let Sehun do as he pleases, which is a massive red flag for the aide. “Hey, Jongin? Do you want to sit down and take off your mask?” he asks softly.

Jongin nods, not having the strength to argue. Listlessly, he takes a seat in one of the benches, takes off his mask and drinks from the bottle Taemin handed to him. He sighs, wincing because his right wrist is hurting from where Sehun had knocked the sabre off.

“Alright, speak.” Sehun commands him. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, everything’s fine.” he answers almost instantly but Sehun wasn’t convinced.

His Sworn Knight sits down on the floor in front of Jongin and looks up at him questioningly. “One, you’ve been bizarrely quiet for the past two days since we went to the theatre. Two, you’re distracted enough that I managed to knock the sabre off your hands so easily. I know I’m better than you at fencing, but don’t give me an easy win, it’s offensive.”

“Please shut up.” Jongin grunts, wiping the sweat off his face and taking off his gloves.

“Sehun’s right, you haven’t been yourself.” Taemin calmly replies, taking his water bottle away and depositing it back into Jongin’s duffle bag. “Did something happen at the theatre?”

“We’re not leaving this place until you talk.” Sehun threatens.

But Jongin shakes his head. “Not here, this place has ears.”

Sehun looks at him doubtfully, as if questioning that this was only Jongin’s scheme to wriggle his way out of this situation. “Fine. Let’s get the horses ready, we’ll go for a ride. But on God, if this is just your way to escape, I’ll throw your bear pajama collection to the incinerator, Jongin.”

“Shut up or I’ll fire you.”

And so, forty-five minutes later the three of them are on their horses, riding aimlessly at the forest on the outskirts of Palatine, where they used to hunt. Jongin remembers the last time they’re here, Sehun forced him to make some snacks for Seulgi. From there, he also remembers their quiet meal as she prepared herself for the cabinet meeting. How much time flies. Has it really been almost over a month since their marriage? It felt like centuries ago.

He leads them to a clearing near the lake and they get off their horse. Without even waiting for Taemin or Sehun to spread a cloth for them to sit, Jongin let himself fall on a bed of grass under a pine tree, staring at the blue sky devoid of clouds. How he yearns to be them. A cloud’s life cycle is so short and purposeful- from water, to cloud, to rain and then they disappear. Such an idle but useful life.

“Alright, talk.” Sehun forces him, abandoning the blanket and sits down next to him instead.

“Swear that what I said here stays between us and only us.” Jongin mutters.

“What are you, twelve?” Sehun protests, but gives in when Jongin glares at him. “Fine, I swear on my honor as your Sworn Knight.”

“I promise.” Taemin adds.

Jongin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose because his head won’t stop hurting. “I met Soojung at the theatre.”

Neither of his companions said a thing, but the quiet, condescending look on Taemin’s face is enough to make Jongin want to punch himself. Sehun looks dour, perhaps regretting the fact that he’s the one to bear this morally dubious conversation.

“And?” Taemin asks, motioning him to continue.

“You talked to her.” Sehun answers without needing to look at Jongin for confirmation.

“I talked to her.”

Taemin grimaces, “How did it go?”

“Terrible, you know how terrifying Soojung is when she’s angry.”

Another silence falls over them. "Honestly, Jongin, what do you expect from talking with Soojung?" Taemin finally speaks up, staring at him seriously.

"He still loves her, couldn't help it." Sehun blurts.

"I still do." Jongin admits quietly, more to himself than any other.

Soojung is not someone he could ever forget, not when she feels so present even when she's not around anymore. She's not just