It has been really some years when I fell for you; When the rain poured, and my feelings did too; Years when we decided to meet under the night sky but it ended up as a silent goodbye and nobody knows how and why, and if we could ever meet again. It has been years already but one thing is for sure -- that it will be the only time I will fell in synchronized with the rain for you;

It has been such a long, slow aching years.. And meeting you right here just felt like it is fate that brought us along - no matter how foolish that idea could be. It feels as if I suddenly heard that song that I never heard of before but then knowing it would be my favorite. It is weird, like a Deja Vu, but it is real.

I called you amidst the noise of the annoying school bell and the screaming glee of playful students, that is, once I got my last bit of nerves working just alright even though I think every hormone that works for love already flooded all my senses.

I know it is very confusing. I still do not know if that is you, but this feeling - this feeling just tells me this is different. And if I didn’t take a step towards you, just like how I waited for a clear sign before, I might lose you too.

I just can't lose someone like you twice. If the first one almost left me broken, then what about now? If you are really Eunbi, losing you is losing what all I ever wanted. I know this is too fast, so not me -- so unplanned. But you see when we bumped into each other, I have felt something vague yet it made me feel as if.. I’m home.

You feel like home.

And so I called onto you. I was hoping, but I’m not expecting that you will turn around and give me a smile. A smile that took every ounce of me not to say 'I miss you'. You brushed your hair with your left hand so flawlessly that it took every ounce of my soul. You did that, and I think I just have to get confined later with a tank of oxygen. You just take my breath away, but it'll be more likely if I found out you're really her.

I had every word coming in all corners of my mind but it remained there. It didn’t go out as if I am literally tongue-tied. And I do not know if I feel happy or sad, or maybe even both, when I heard someone called you.. surprisingly, with a different name.

“SinB!”

I heard it. I heard that unfamiliar name that's supposed to belong to you.

I felt it. I felt the tug on my heart that makes me want to deny that I didn't get affected by it but I am, much much more than the effort to deny.  I felt it as if a raging splash of water flying towards me, slapping me back to reality.

But what just happened?

And although my brain screams embarrassment for thinking you are not who I thought you would be, my other neurons tried to deny it. As if it wanted to trick my heart into it and hold on to this hope - of this sense of familiarness, of closeness, of this familiar tug in my heart that the last one who has ever done it is the Eunbi that I thought you are. But sadly, it might not be true.

I watched the man who called you with a diferent name walk towards you. I’m fully aware that I'm still standing there when he told you that you guys should get going already or you will be late to class. And, still, I’m there rooted on my spot when you turn your gaze at me, as if your eyes wanted to tell me something, but then it changes as a sparkle seems to light on those orbs covering it, replacing it with a light as if you don't want anyone to know, to see. 

But that smile. That smile that you sent towards me feels like there is something beneath it. Or is it just me? Just because I'm still hoping.

I must be so much of a fool. I just made myself an epitome of embarrassment. I sighed as I walked away, I need to go to my class too. I would be late if I didn't hurry. But as I walk back, I can't help but to think about the mess I got myself into.

It's like a puzzle that doesn't even want to be solved. And oh, how futile can it be?

Still, I must be crazy to cause all that ruckus -- to be feeling all of these, just because I assumed.

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Somehow, I thought it’s a good thing the words didn’t come out of my mouth.

That is the thought that has been circling on my mind while I watched the different colored roofs of the houses peeks and run away from my sight as the train I’m situated in speed up on it’s way. It is as if it is telling me to go on, move forward, and stop from settling on the thought and this feeling of disappointment and sadness -- all from the truth that it is not her.

She isn’t her.

I watched different walks of life cross the street hurriedly as if they cannot wait to be at their destination. And then, I saw a woman stopped, amidst the hurried bodies moving, on the middle as if she is hesitating. It looks like she isn’t sure if she wants to go to the other side. And I just smiled bitterly as I let the view go away and be replaced with another as the train moved again. For I am, like someone who stood in the middle of a road, is stuck in between holding on and letting go. Some people would think it is just plain stupid, I say that is true, for staying here would be risky - too much for my life. But you see, choosing between holding on or letting go would be difficult - for the reason that both of them holds the power of destroying me. 

That impostor of a grown-up Hwang Eunbi. When our eyes met, she smiled, didn’t she? I told her words that could have probably the Eunbi I know would only understand.. Then if she isn’t her, how come she replied as if she is that one, as if she knows what I'm talking about. Still what breaks everything is that she could be a different person - just like how her name is.

It’s confusing.

If I could vividly recall, I saw the nameplate of the man who called her and his name is written in blue. Then that means, they are on the same year as me. But Eunbi she is younger than me. My train of thoughts stopped as the train came on my stop. I gripped my bag,  pulling myself together, while giving a last stare at the reflection in front of me -- a child who didn’t get to see Santa Claus even if she stayed up all night waiting for him.

I sighed as I tapped my transportation card and walked quickly, the metal bar disappearing to let me go through. Seriously, why did I ever assumed it is her. It is so dumb to go just because my blood jumps suddenly as if we are soulmates.

I looked up at the sky and obesrved that the Sun is a little bit high on its position to set anytime soon. I still have a lot of time before it gets dark, and so I my heels and started walking again, but this time, in a different direction. It is as what they say ‘getting some fresh air’.

I think I badly need that.

At times like this, the wind is so nice to be felt with. It is as if it is taking your worries away, and all those deep thoughts that are heavy for you to carry. I keep looking at the ground while I let the wind do its thing. I thought I was ready to give it all up - everything. It might be because I was out of my mind that I didn’t think twice about what I was throwing onto the wind for it to take away, as long as I could keep it there, floating in the air, just around me for just another minute. If only I was allowed to grasp it, keep it there for eternity.

Sejeong told me to let go sometimes, and maybe you would too. But let me ask you this. Have you ever longed for someone, on every moon and every sun and that goes on and on; yet for now, her face is all a blur, like a memory kept too long, like a picture you keep after age and ages, yet the colors start to disappear even if you do not want to. And have you ever loved a rose and bled against those thorns, making you swear to the moon, every night, to let her go.. And yet when the sun came, and the dawn starts, you get to love her more? If yes, then I know, even just a bit you understand where I’m coming from.

And as if the moon is ther