[CONTENTID1][/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]"I think we're all a little crooked in our hearts. I mean, who wants to be straight?"[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID3]

Yeseul unlocked the door to Serin's apartment, her ears picking up on music coming from further inside. Her heart gave a little tug, because Serin was listening to Oh Hyuk, which Chanyeol had been particularly into as of late, putting it on while he messed about in the kitchen. Yeseul left her boots by the door, dropping her bag on the sofa before heading into the other room. She found Serin at the stove, pouring pasta into a pot. 

"Hi," Serin greeted, glancing over her shoulder. "You okay?" 

"Yeah, you?" 

Serin nodded as Yeseul went to put on the kettle. "How was work?" 

"Boring. It's weird working days at a cinema. When is Sumin getting here?" 

"Shouldn't be too long now," Serin replied, checking her phone. "She said seven thirty." 

"Okay," Yeseul grabbed a mug from the cupboard, dropped a tea bag in, then went to fetch the milk. "I think I'm going to change. Are we still planning to go to the bar after?" 

"No, Sumin said she was bringing wine and we can just chill out here." 

"Great, that means I can wear sweats." 

Once the kettle had boiled, Yeseul made her tea and carried the mug to the room she'd been staying in for the last few days. It was one of Serin's housemate's bedrooms, but it was the nicer one who didn't totally hate Yeseul (for absolutely no reason) and she'd agreed to let Yeseul stay in there as long as she stripped the bed afterwards and washed the sheets. 

She was living out of a holdall for the foreseeable future. Yeseul's anger at Baekhyun and Chanyeol had faded after fourty-eight hours, but she quickly came to realise how much she liked being around another girl – not to mention who understood her better than anyone else, even Chanyeol, though he was coming close. Yeseul simply missed her best friend, the one who'd been with her through everything, who had never tried to tell her to be anything other than who she was. Yeseul wasn't angry with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. She just wanted to be with Serin for a while. 

She hadn't bothered texting either of the boys because she figured she'd run into at least one of them when she went to grab some stuff from the apartment. She got Baekhyun, and told him what the situation was, then requested that he tell Chanyeol. She'd be back, just not yet. Baekhyun had taken it surprisingly well, and considering she hadn't received a single text from Chanyeol other than the one she got last night that read I'm ready whenever you are, he was giving her space. 

That was part of it too. She had a feeling she knew what she wanted to say, but until she was certain, she was going to stay away. This time was important. It had to count. 

After changing into sweats and taking off her bra, Yeseul wandered back to the kitchen clutching her tea to her chest. It didn't taste right, even though she'd put in just the right amount of mill. Even the teabags were from her own cupboard, but something was still off. Yeseul was trying to convince herself that it really was the tea that was bothering her, and not something else. 

Sumin arrived not long after that, looking about as casual as Lim Sumin could, in leggings and a long sweater. She'd tied half her hair into a knot atop her head, her face free from makeup. She placed a book of matches in Yeseul's hand after giving her a hug. "This is from Sehun," she said. "Not too sure what it's about." 

"A tattoo idea," Yeseul explained, rolling her eyes at the matches in her palm before dropping it onto the counter. 

"Are you going to get him to do it?" 

"Yeah, either on my ankle or the back of my arm, just above my elbow." 

"Cool, you're getting a matchbook? Or, like, what's the idea?" 

"Just a match, with a little flame. I guess this was his idea of a joke." 

Sumin grinned. "It would be." 

They lingered in the kitchen while Serin finished up the pasta, then relocated to the living room. It hadn't been totally decided what the evening's plans were, but there was wine and food and that was all they needed. It had been a while since it was just the girls, and Yeseul let herself get absorbed in discussion over something Renaissance related. She wasn't well versed in the subject, but was happy to sit and listen and not think for a while. The combination of that, comfort food, and wine, and she was feeling warm and content. 

Serin took notice of it a few hours after Sumin had arrived. "You haven't gone out for a cigarette," she remarked. 

Yeseul hadn't even thought of it. "Oh, yeah," she shrugged. "I haven't been smoking as much this past week." 

"Even though–" 

"Yeah," she interrupted, with a cursory glance Sumin's way. 

"Oh, don't mind me," Sumin said with a soft smile. "I'm happy to see you like this. After what I've heard from Chanyeol and Sehun, I was worried." 

Yeseul raised an eyebrow. "Is that why you were so eager to come over?" 

"Of course not! Yeseul," Sumin said firmly. "I wouldn't do that. Besides, Chanyeol's always spoken to Sehun about you. It's not even you, it's your relationship. Whether he's doing things right or not. I don't know what Baekhyun's been saying, but that's all I've heard." 

Yeseul nodded, adding this new information to what she already knew – or suspected, at least. "Thank you for telling me that," she said. "I probably would have continued thinking the worst if you hadn't." 

"If you ever want to know what the boys talk about when you aren't around, just ask me. Sehun usually tells me most of it, or they forget I'm in the room." 

Yeseul grinned. "I may just take you up on that in the future." 

A few hours later, Sumin bid them goodbye. She would've stayed over if she didn't have to be at the galley in the morning, and she gave Yeseul an extra long hug before heading out the door. Yeseul wrapped her arms around herself afterwards, following Serin back into the living room. "I needed that," she said. 

"So did I, to be honest," Serin sighed, flopping onto the sofa. Yeseul followed suit a moment later, reaching forward for her wine glass. "I mean, I can only take so much for your grumpy before I need a break." 

"Hey!" Yeseul exclaimed, whacking her friend with a pillow. 

Serin laughed, but then her expression grew softer. "I've really liked having you here," she said with a smile. "It's better than my actual housemates, even when you're in a bad mood. Which you haven't been, for the record. I think that bath you took the other night really paid off." 

Taking a sip of wine, Yeseul rolled her eyes. "I'm really glad I stayed," she admitted. "I would probably have killed Baekhyun by now." 

"Oh! Speaking of," Serin said, leaning forward. "We've got a date next week." 

"What? You and Baek?" Yeseul asked, leaning forward. "Since when? Why haven't I heard about it?" 

"I texted him, like you said I should, to ask if he wanted to meet for coffee and have a chat about what's been going on. He rang me instead of texting back, said he was relieved I'd asked because it had been bothering him for a while that things were still a bit weird with us. So, coffee. Not a date, I guess. But it's something, right?" 

"I hope it goes well," Yeseul said honestly. 

"Me too," Serin shrugged. "But if it doesn't, at least we tried, right?" 

"Exactly." Yeseul grinned, waggling her eyebrows at Serin over her glass. "You're going to tell me all about it, aren't you?" 

Serin waved a hand. "Of course." 

"Good. I expect Baekhyun will as well, if I'm back living with him by then." 

"Do you ..." Serin began, her voice growing hesitant. "Do you think you will be?" 

"I don't know," Yeseul replied with a shrug. She stared down at the red liquid in her glass as she swirled it around. "I mean, I can't stay away forever. But it's not really Baekhyun I'm worried about." 

"Of course, yes. Have you spoken to Chanyeol?" Yeseul shook her head. "Seul, you should. Now that I'm getting my together and going out for coffee with Baekhyun, you've got to get yours in order too. Chanyeol's probably worried sick, as well, you heard what Sumin was saying." 

"Yeah," Yeseul said, swirling the wine in her glass. "He hasn't texted or anything, except for that one I got last night." 

"What did it say?" Yeseul grabbed her phone off the coffee table and showed the message to Serin. "Well, it doesn't seem like he's upset." 

"For all I know he could be furious that I haven't replied," Yeseul muttered, setting her phone back down. "He's impossible to read. It's like, he wants to do whatever's best for everyone else, and ends up losing himself a little bit. Or maybe he's just got a bunch of different sides to him. I have no idea." 

"He's selfless." 

Yeseul shook her head. "That's just it. He isn't, not really." 

"He's human, then." 

"Yeah, I guess that's the only way of putting it. Other than annoyingly confusing."

The black jeans Yeseul usually wore to work were in the wash at Serin's, along with the black leggings she'd brought. Just to avoid getting told off by the manager, she made her way back to her own apartment to grab her other pair of black jeans. On the way there she was hoping that it would be empty, and she could just pop in and change, but of course, things never worked out that way. 

Yeseul unlocked the door quietly, listening for any sound of occupancy. She didn't hear anything. But then she opened the door of her bedroom and saw him, curled up on his side of the bed, face buried in a pillow and not even under the covers. He was in his trousers from work, but his cook's jacket was crumpled on the floor along with his bag, like he'd collapsed on the mattress the second he got in and gone straight to sleep. 

For a moment, she considered grabbing her jeans and going. But the longer she looked at his sleeping form, the less she wanted to leave. 

But she didn't get to decide after all, because when she took a step further into the room, Chanyeol woke up. He peered around blearily, pushing his hair out of his eyes, and when his gaze landed on her, he froze. "Seul?" 

"Hey," she said. "You can go back to sleep. I just came to get a pair of jeans." 

"You're leaving?" he asked, sitting up. His brow was furrowed, and she could feel him studying her as she went over to the closer and pulled out the jeans she'd come for. "When–" he said, then stopped abruptly. "You look better. Baekhyun said you've been at Serin's. I ... you've been sleeping okay? Or, you don't have to tell me. But I'd like to know that ... if you're all right. I'll be honest, I've been sleeping here in hopes you'd show up." 

Something in her chest tightened at the defeat in his voice. "Every night?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'm sorry for not telling you I'd be staying at Serin's for a while." 

He shrugged, picking at the blanket. "It's ... well, it hasn't been great. I want to give you time or whatever it is you need, but if you're still made about what happened–" 

"I'm not," she interrupted. 

Chanyeol's eyes flew wide. "Then why have you been gone so long?" 

Yeseul couldn't help the sheepish smile that stretched over her lips. "I needed some girl time. I've been a bit of a friend to Serin." 

"So you made up for that by ignoring the rest of us. I think you need to learn to organise your time better, Seullie," Chanyeol said, but he didn't sound particularly angry. "Or send a text, at the very least." 

"Sorry." She raked her hair back, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, unsure as to whether or not she should just leave. "What were you doing sleeping in the middle of the day, by the way?" 

"Double shift," he explained. "I worked last night, didn't get to sleep until two, and then I had to be in at six to help with prep because we're short staffed this week in pastry, and a guy didn't turn up so I helped out for breakfast. Even though I was basically dead on my feet, I sort of enjoyed it. I miss working the line." 

"You must be exhausted," she said. "Go to sleep, I'll get out of here." 

He shook his head, eyes imploring. "I'm awake now. And I'd like to talk, if you're ready." When she hesitated, he leaned forward. "At least tell me you're all right. I've been really worried your sleep's been worse, that you aren't ... god, Seullie, I don't even know what's wrong, and I hate it." 

"I haven't exactly been forthcoming with information," she admitted. 

"And I'm used to that," he said. "But usually I can tell when something's up, and I've missed it this time. It took freaking Baekhyun for me to notice. I'm sorry for what happened. For not telling you Baekhyun had asked me to stay over more. I didn't mean for you to–" 

She narrowed her eyes. "What, for me to hear you discussing my mental state?" 

"No, Seul, of course we aren't trying to – neither of us was focused on that. You know Baekhyun, he just wants everyone to be happy all the time, because he doesn't know what to do when they aren't." 

Chanyeol had a point. And after the time she'd had to think, her opinion on the whole matter had begun to shift. Not to the point where she forgave him for dicussing things behind her back (especially sensitive subjects like this) but where she could see his point of view. Chanyeol had never been anything but thoughtful in all of his actions, even when his main goal in life was to annoy the living hell out of her. 

"I think ..." she started, losing her confidence halfway. Yeseul edged closer to the bed, her eyes everywhere but on Chanyeol. Everything she'd been thinking while she'd been staying with Sumin – and before that, too, when her friend told her it was okay to be vulnerable sometimes – was swirling in her head. Yeseul had been more vulnerable than she ever wanted to be without even knowing it, letting things get inside her head that messed it all up. If she was going to try and set things on the right course again, she had to be vulnerable again. Intentionally, this time. "I actually think you were right. About some things, at least." 

"What?" 

"It annoys the hell out of me, but I can't ignore the evidence, can I? You do make me better. I've never wanted to be that person who was dependent on somebody else, for anything really, and I suppose it made me angry not just that you thought that, but that it's true." 

"Woah, slow down, Seullie. Whatever Baekhyun said about you being more irritable when I wasn't around didn't have to do with being too dependent on me," he said. 

"It didn't?" 

"No," he said firmly. He motioned for her to sit down, and after a moment of hesitation, she went around the bed and sat on the edge. She sat close to him, but not as close as usual. He'd kicked the blanket aside, and slid over so one of his legs hung off the edge of the bed and the other tucked under it. "We've been in this weird half-fight for weeks now, and I think it's easier to ignore when we're together. We distract each other pretty well." 

She set the jeans aside, hands knotted in her lap. She still couldn't look at him directly. "So what are we supposed to do?" 

"I don't know. To be honest, I don't even remember what we're fighting about anymore," he waved a hand, giving a scoff. "It's like there's this underlying issue of something that's in the way. Can you think of anything? Something we haven't talked about?" 

That was how they'd been solving their problems, talking (or shouting) until it was all out in the open and they felt better. It worked for the most part, but there was still something picking at their seams, something from before, making everything else build up as it kept on weighing over Yeseul's head. 

"Yeah," she murmured, when she figured it out. The last secret that mattered. There would always be secrets, things you didn't have to tell your partner because it wasn't connected to them. That was just human nature. It was the secrets that tied two people together by a thread that shouldn't be kept in the dark. Those were the ones that tugged and pulled until everything unravelled. Chanyeol must have read something in her face, because he edged closer and slid a hand up her thigh, fingers curling around her hip. 

"Seul?" 

"Like, ages ago now," she began haltingly. "Sehun's birthday actually, when you let me sleep in your room. I saw your books and I let my curiousity get the best of me ... I'm sorry, Chanyeol, I never meant to invade your privacy like that without your permission, and then I didn't know how to tell you. I've felt horrible ever since, especially after you told me yourself–" 

"Wait, Yeseul, what are you talking about?" 

She met his searching gaze, feeling horrible. "I read your journals." 

Chanyeol's expressin was unreadable for a moment before going completely blank. "You read them." 

"Not all of them! Just the really old ones, like from two years ago. And I didn't look at any of the personal entries, either, I just ... I saw one of your poerms and I couldn't stop." 

His expression hadn't changed. "Just the poems, then? Did it ever occur to you that they might be the most personal things in there?" 

Yeseul was almost certain she'd dug herself a hole she wouldn't be able to get out of. She was glad she'd told him, but sorry for the result. "I ... it wasn't the same then, Chanyeol. I know that's a terrible excuse, and I feel awful for reading them, but they're really good." 

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" 

"No," she replied, and he raised his eyebrows. Yeseul tucked her hair behind her ears, angling herself so she faced him properly. That was it, the conversation she'd been trying to work up the confidence to have. It wasn't going the way she had hoped. "I don't expect you to forgive me for this. I know how important those journals are to you, and the level of trust you must feel to even write in them when I'm around. And I've completely ruined that. But what you said, about something being in the way, that's what it is," she said with a half-hearted shrug. 

Chanyeol hummed, rubbing his thighs with his palms, staying quiet. Yeseul carried on, feeling her voice grow weaker as she got closer to the things that were even more difficult to admit. "If it makes a difference, they made me look at you for the first time. Like someone I could see myself with, even though the idea absolutely terrified me. I did something totally inappropriate and disrespectful, but it also made me realise I had to change my perspective. You made me realise that. It wasn't even one of the poems – and I know I said that I didn't read anything else, but it was this little note, from, like, March or something of last year that made me want to see what else you'd written, before I told myself that I shouldn't be aware of your personal thoughts like that. You'd remembered something I said about myself and disagreed. You saw something in me that I couldn't, way before I even entertained the possibility that I might actually be capable of being a decent person. And after I read that, I knew I couldn't keep thinking of you the way I had been since we met, because you ... you mean so much to me, Chanyeol." 

When Yeseul looked at him again, instead of at her hands, her eyes pricked with tears. Chanyeol's mouth was halfway toward a smile, but his eyebrows were still furrowed. She held her breath. "It makes a difference," he replied, his voice rasping with how low it was. "I know what you're talking about. You said that thing about your heart that was definitely a reference to the Auden poem, yeah?" he asked, his voice growing softer with each word. Yeseul nodded. "You know, I've changed my mind a bit since then. I think we're all a little crooked in our hearts. I mean, who wants to be straight?