[CONTENTID1]Love Poems and Listening[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]"But you know you're allowed to be vulnerable, right? Nobody's going to think any less of you for it."[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID3]

Yeseul's birthday fell on a Sunday. She didn't get much sleep the night before, and ended up taking a nap in the middle of the day before she had to leave for her shift. When she woke up, still feeling tense and tired, Yeseul rolled out of bed and grabbed her cigarettes, going straight out onto the balcony. It was cool enough outside for goosebumps to rise on her bare legs, but she didn't bother going back in to change. 

Halfway through her second cigarette, Baekhyun – who she hadn't seen all day, because this was the first time she'd left her room and for once he didn't barge in – came out and gave her a hug from behind, so she couldn't shake him off. "Happy birthday!" he exclaimed, a little too close to her ear. Yeseul groaned and dropped her head, elbowing him so he'd move away. He leaned back against the railing next to her, grinning. "Are you feeling 22?" 

Yeseul didn't respond. She took a pull from her cigarette, watching the city beyound through the smoke that drifted out from between her lips. It looked like it might rain. 

"Come on, aren't you excited?" 

"No." 

Baekhyun sighed, folding his arms over his chest and shaking his head at her. "You've been in a really mood since you and Chanyeol got into that fight." 

"Thanks for letting me know, I really appreciate it," Yeseul said, rolling her eyes. She stubbed out what what was left of her cigarette and went inside, hoping he'd leave it alone. 

But it was Baekhyun, and he probably didn't care that she didn't want to talk. "Yeseul," he said, following her over to the kitchen. She put on the kettle, intent on keeping her back to him. "It's obvious that you want him here. Why not tell him that?" 

"You're the one who said we were better off as friends," Yeseul snapped. 

"See, I've been thinking about that, and I was wrong. You're much better when Chanyeol's around."

Yeseul whirled around, mug in hand. "What is that supposed to mean?" 

"Well," he began slowly, pushing a hand through his hair. "I mean, you've been sort of ... I don't know, Yeseul, you haven't been very nice since you two had that row and he stopped staying over here. So there's clearly a connection." 

"My moods don't revolve around Chanyeol," Yeseul snarled, detesting the idea. 

Baekhyun's expression was strained. "In this case? I think they do." 

Yeseul put her back to him again, roughly setting her mug down on the counter and throwing a tea bag in. She wanted to tell him what for, that she wasn't some desperate girl who couldn't be happy without her boyfriend, no matter how it seemed. That wasn't the situation, but of course Baekhyun would jump to conclusions. 

Yeseul knew she was in a mood. She wasn't stupid – it was like everything annoyed her more, the lights were too bright, there was a constant thrumming in the back of her head, her muscles ached. But being aware of it and having other people tell her were very different things, and Yeseul despised the latter. She wasn't just going to be nicer, that wasn't how it worked. Yeseul had a strict policy of not apologising for who she was, and suddenly deciding to pretend she was happy and content with the state of her life just wasn't part of her agenda. She was going to be as miserable as she wanted to be, and Baekhyun could go himself. 

When she told him this, he just sighed in resignation and went back to his room. 

Yeseul stomped back to her own bedroom, grabbed the nearest book, and threw herself onto the bed. It wasn't about Chanyeol. She wasn't going to let it be about him. It wasn't like their fight had ended on a bad note, anyway, but it hadn't exactly ended either. Their solution had been for him to leave, to remove himself from the situation so it wouldn't get worse. But sometimes, in order for things to get better, they had to get worse. Yeseul just didn't know if that was some silly thing people said or if it was actually true. 

Not much later, she had to leave for work. Yeseul shouted out a goodbye from the door out of habit, shutting it before she heard Baekhyun's reply. 

Because she hardly talked to them on a personal level anyway, nobody at work knew it was Yeseul's birthday. She wasn't even friends with any of them because she only added people she liked (there'd been a standing friend request from Chanyeol for months becuase of this) so there was no chance they'd find out that way. Over the course of her shift, Yeseul nearly forgot it was her birthday, which she supposed was the whole point of not celebrating. Only halfway into her break, while she stood outside with a cigarette hanging between her fingers, did she remember she hadn't called her Mum like she'd promised. 

Yeseul fumbled for her phone, dragging it out of the pocket of her jacket and bypassing the texts she'd been receiving throughout the day. She tapped on her Mum's name, taking a drag of her cigarette while she waited for the line to go through. 

"Happy birthday!" Miyoung chimed when it did. 

"Hi, Mum." 

"What, no thank you?" 

Yeseul tapped her cigarette, watching the ashes crumble off the end. "I'm not really celebrating my birthday this year." 

"Why not?" her Mum asked, and Yeseul could practically hear the frown in her voice. 

"I don't really want to." 

"Well, that's–" There was a pause, and then Miyoung sighed. "I suppose that's your decision. But know that I'm thinking of you, and Youngjae's insisted that we have cake tonight in your honour." 

"Of course he has," Yeseul muttered. "Tell him I say thank you please." 

Miyoung hummed affirmatively. "Now then, I know your brother and I just came to see you, but we were talking over dinner the other night and we'd like for you to come to Seoul soon for a visit." 

"You know I've got exams going on at the moment," Yeseul said, extinguishing her cigarette against the building. She strode over to the nearest bin and tossed it in. "Then it's the summer holidays. I'll visit then." 

"For more than just a weekend, though." 

"Yes, a proper visit." 

"All right," Miyoung said. "Yeseul, I'd like for you to talk to your father when you come. I think ... I think it's time for that conversation." 

Whenever it was brought up, Yeseul's stomach twisted into knots. "You do?" 

"Yes." 

"I guess I could give it a go," she admitted. "I don't know how well it will go, though. Who knows if he'll want to listen. God knows if it's taken him this long ..." 

"Don't confront him," Miyoung suggested. "You know your father doesn't respond well to that. I know you probably don't see it as your responsibility to educate him, seeing as he's supposed to be the one teaching you, but in this situation, he's not going to get there on his own. But I know he doesn't want to lose you, dear, and it's only going to get more difficult the more time passes." 

It was strange hearing her mother speak so candidly about her father, particularly his stubbornness regarding Yeseul's uality. Yeseul knew it was still going to take time for her Mum to start using certain words, to be fully comfortable with the idea, but she didn't seem afraid of it anymore. 

"I know. Perhaps if I had a girlfriend to parade around the house he might actually have to accept the idea that I like them just as much as boys. More than, most of the time," she replied, a little disdainfully. 

There was concern in Miyoung's voice the next time she spoke. "Is everything okay with Chanyeol?" 

"Oh, yeah, fine." 

"Good." 

Yeseul tried not to think about what might happen if she and Chanyeol were to break up, if she started seeing someone new, someone not male, how things might be different. But it would never stop bothering her; not until the way she was stopped bothering them. 

When she got home that night, later than usual because she'd gone to the bar for a pint in a last ditch, solo birthday celebration (though the guy sat next to her didn't seem to accept the idea that she wanted to be left alone until she threatened to dump her drink over his carefully coiffed hair), Yeseul found the apartment dark. There was light coming from under Baekhyun's door, and she guessed he was in the midst of exam revision. 

She took a quick, hot shower, then returned to her room to find something sitting in the middle of the bed. Eyes narrowed, Yeseul strode over, holding her towel to her chest. It was a container filled with her favourite biscuits: gingernut. Taped to the lid was a folded piece of paper with her name scrawled across it in what was unmistakably Chanyeol's hand. 

She sat down on the mattress, carefully removing the paper and unfolding it. He'd torn it out of his journal. 

i went back to that bookshop, your favourite place in the city. 

the man behind the counter looked up

and said 'ah, i get it now' 

when i asked what he meant, he said 

he can look at a person and know if they're a goner 

the second they step  through the door and see 

the maze of literature before them 

we're goners, you and i 

ah, i get it now, i think when i see you this morning 

still yawning from the sleep you didn't get 

the taste of nicotine lingering on your lips 

you smile at me and i know 

the thing i've known all along 

but never admitted 

i'm a goner for you 

i have written poems about you before 

more than i care to confess, 

but this one is for you

out of my mind and into your hands

and it comes with a simple question 

are you a goner for me too? 

Yeseul read the poem three more times before she noticed how her hands were shaking. All she could think was that she didn't deserve this boy, this remarkable human being, and she couldn't quite believe that he was hers. 

Because she'd never been very good at expressing herself this way, Yeseul was sort of relieved that Chanyeol wasn't there in person. She had time to collect herself, to think, to get her phone and compose a message – one that could never really encapsulate how she felt. Yeseul didn't know how to use words like Chanyeol. She couldn't make them bend, didn't know how to pick just the right ones, and if she was being honest with herself, Yeseul was afraid of them. Words were powerful – she'd learned that in her own life and through what she studied, and in certain situations they could mean the world. Because she wasn't confident in herself, her ability to use them, Yeseul pulled away from situations where they carried weight.

The conversations that mattered were the hardest of all. Those were the ones she didn't want to up. With her father, her mother, even Youngjae. But even those were easier than the future conversations she faced with Chanyeol. The ones she knew she wasn't ready for, didn't know anything about except what she felt in her own heart and thought in her own mind. The only consolation was that she had learned she wasn't alone in this struggle, that Chanyeol had certain subjects he shied away from too, even if he was still better at talking about them than her. Yeseul knew she would always be more held back than Chanyeol was. 

Her message was short and simple, but Yeseul hoped Chanyeol would understand how much his gift meant to her. 

Thank you. I think I've been gone for a while now. 

It didn't take long for Chanyeol to reply; she wondered if he'd been up waiting for her to contact him. 

i'm glad it's you. 

She wasn't sure what to say to that, and decided to leave it. 

Will I see you tomorrow? 

bright and early for our run

Oh god, I forgot about that.

see you at 6 :) 

It was strange seeing Chanyeol in the daytime more than at night. Because classes were done and all of her mornings were free, he drove over to the apartment and they went for a run or had breakfast together. Sometimes he'd drive her to campus, where she met with Joonmyun to study, sometimes he'd stay and spend time with Baekhyun. Yeseul didn't dislike it, but the awareness that she hadn't been sleeping as well without him slowly crept up on her. 

The morning Baekhyun pointed out she'd been drinking coffee instead of tea was when it really hit her. Up until that point, he'd been saying things like 'you've been in a constant bad mood' and 'you look even more tired than usual' constantly, and other than Baekhyun becoming a massive pain in her , she hadn't thought much of it. It wasn't exactly news. But Yeseul didn't like coffee. The only times she drank it were in dire emergencies, when she needed a serious caffeine boost. But for the last week, the box of teabags had gone untouched in the cupboard while she poured herself a cup from Baekhyun's coffee maker. 

Kyungsoo had stayed over the night before, having escaped his non-study oriented house to get some proper work done at theirs (unsuccessfully). He wandered over from the sofa, blanket still draped around his shoulders. "You have done," he said, agreeing with Baekhyun. "If it's any consolation, it's freaking weird having Chanyeol at ours so much. The whole house is tidier, and there's actually food in the fridge." 

"Seems like it's working in your favour," Yeseul muttered, grimacing as she took a sip of coffee. She didn't like the stuff, and yet there she was, drinking it anyway. 

" no, I like it better when he's here," Kyungsoo replied. "He did my laundry. That's ed up." 

Baekhyun sighed wistfully. Yeseul knew Chanyeol had done his laundry a few times, and Baekhyun really appreciated it. "Is he coming over tonight? Chanyeol, I mean." 

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Yeseul snapped. "I'm not his keeper." 

"Guess I will then," Baekhyun said, giving her a funny look. 

Yeseul ran a hand over her face. "Sorry," she said. "I have an exam later, and I didn't sleep." 

"Is it the one you were worried about?" 

"I'm worried about all of them, Baek." 

Yeseul's revision wasn't so much about needing to know the material. She simply didn't test well, and it helped to ease her mind if she walked into an exam feeling like she'd done her utmost to prepare, but further down there was a constant thread of anxiety that she could never seem to shake. It interfered with her sleeping pattern, made it difficult to focus, even when she was comfortable with her level of knowledge about a certain subject. 

"Don't you get, like, perfect marks?" Kyungsoo asked, sounding a little bit jealous. 

"No. I do better with essays and that. I'm awful at exams." 

"See, I'm the opposite," Baekhyun jumped in, his expression thoughtful. "That says a lot about us, doesn't it?" 

"I'm at both," Kyungsoo said. 

"How did you get into law school, again?" Yeseul asked, leaning against the counter. 

Kyungsoo squared his shoulders, but didn't look very imtimidating with a fuzzy blanket around his shoulders. "I am capable of taking my education seriously, Yeseul. I just don't, most of the time." 

"That didn't answer my question." 

"I studied a lot more during high school." 

"Ah," she said, sipping her coffee. It didn't get any better the more of it she drank. "Right, I'm supposed to meet Serin in an hour. She's got an exam later as well. Baek, try and get Kyungsoo to do more work than last night. You two were awful." 

"We studied!" 

"Barely." 

"Barely's not nothing," Kyungsoo said with a grin. 

Yeseul shook her head at them. "I have to remove myself from this situation, I don't want your slacker attitude to rub off on me." 

She left the apartment twenty minutes later, freshly showered and starving, to meet Serin for brunch. They'd missed Wednesday lunch last week because Yeseul had an exam, and this coming Wednesday wasn't going to work either because Serin had picked up an extra shift at work, so they had settled to meet on Monday at a restaurant that Chanyeol claimed served excellent breakfast food. Even though she knew he hardly went out to eat, Chanyeol seemed to know all the best places to go in the city, and could recommend a restaurant based on the restrictions he was given (usually, when Yeseul asked, price was a major factor). 1968 was a tiny cafe crammed between residential and commercial spaces, easily missable when walking past. Somehow, they managed to fit a decent number of tables in without making it too crowded, and the exposed brick walls had been painted white and were adorned with lots of mirrors and black and white photographs, making the space look bigger. Yeseul was directed to a little table in the back corner where it would've been dark had they not painted the walls and installed a grid of lights hanging from the ceiling. 

While she waited, Yeseul got out the review pack she'd printed out a few nights before, highlighted and marked up as she revised. She'd been trying to study in different ways, hoping it might help, but had yet to find a method that she felt happy with. It all depended on the subject – she studied for poetry-centric courses in very different ways than she did fo