-JaeSu-

The seat, on the 1^st column and 4^th row from the left, exactly in the middle of the stage and also the most expensive seat was empty again. The theater, with red curtains and golden velvet seat looked really elegant as always. Only top class musical-actor could only play here. And here, I sang a song of desperate-lover, crying for real because of hope, collide the stage to plead on you.

I knew that one special seat will always be empty, even if I collide my face to the stage or shed my blood as fake rains, I knew you wouldn’t be able to come here for once again, but I couldn’t help my eyes to roll over the same seat every time I perform, it just not right to have no two big eyes watching over you seriously and know every wrong thing you do, it gave me a bigger creep than ever, and I have to face the unwanted reality I made. Should I be glad or not? I still don’t know.

It has been 5 years since that seat emptied. And for 5 years either I keep on sending invitation which I already know what the answer will be, nothing, no rejection, no agreement, no comments nor protest, your empty flat speak with winds only, whispering to my ears that you’ll answer nothing. He leaves me a deep scar on face, an invisible shameful open wound that won’t stop bleeding, and everyone around the world will just help me brushing in more useless alcohol to cover this unseen wound. I somehow feel imperfect when he isn’t around, but I’ll keep on waiting, my eyes will keep on rolling, my voices will keep on calling, and my body will keep on wanting to caress that body of yours even if that mean I’ll be sleeping with faggots.

We didn’t have the time, we were too late, and I know we were, I know my bloods are rotten and your flesh is ripped, or maybe you don’t know? But I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t let you realize it, you have to know it yourself, later… you will know later that this world scatters on your eyes that these voices are fake and everything is right for you actually wrong to be trust, you just need the time.

The sun is setting, the clock goes mad, the chime ringing in my ears. I have to go now, I have to tell Changmin.

5 years ago… I remember it…

“Junsu-yah~” you hugged me warmly from the back; give me unending kisses to my cheek and my forehead, satisfied.

It was a play of an original story Changmin made, a story of two brothers with an ending of tragedy death. And the brothers were of course me, and Changmin. A very yet expensive play.

I knew you were happy to see me in the play, it was a once-of-a-life-time kind of play, a real , real two men, though not real , but real gays. But I could be careless of who or what I do, as long as you are happy, proud, and love me… it was like heavenly-fluff to notice that you could be that happy, but as the time mature me up and the heaven starts to hate me… I knew the reason was not me in the play or I nailed it, but what I did, who I be, and what you see.

“Hyung…” I forced a smile, like I force my laugh, like you force your feeling, its all like forcing to put on a play when no one is ready enough to even stand; but of course I don’t want to hurt this beauty, seeing a sour face of yours is the same like cleaning my eyes with vinegar, blindingly painful.

I couldn’t let you know my feeling, I couldn’t let you looked down at me; I have to show you that I could be a great actor. “What if I’m not an actor?”

“Then you ca be a singer! And you can sing for plays and theaters like this~”

“If I’m not an artist?”

“Then you can be nothing else but the man who clean the stage~”

“Soccer…”

“I’ll hate you forever…”

I love you… but I’ve got enough. Scissor was on my hand and I can feel myself soaked in blood.