DAY FIFTEEN

Haseul stepped out of the shower and came face to face with herself in the mirror.

You know you’re a lie, right? A fiction conjured up by a diseased mind.

She looked herself over in the mirror. Her long hair, her soft skin. It hadn’t always been this way. She wished it had. It would have made things easier.

Her shadow, the boy that hung omnipresent in her mind, looked over her shoulder. He was her as she had been. But not quite.

She cast her mind back to the beginning, to the moment she had realized what she was--who she was.

It had been a simple, uneventful day. Not the kind of day one would expect for something so momentous. She had  looked in a mirror, much like this one. She had seen herself and felt uncomfortable with who she was, and with who she appeared to be. She didn’t fit in this way. She didn’t belong in this body.

She asked her mother about it the day afterwards. She had seemed surprised, but she wasn’t fazed. Her mother made her a promise--that if Haseul really wanted, she could be a girl, in body as well as in mind, but she’d have to think about it first. Her mother gave her two weeks to seriously consider it.  Haseul thought of little else.

And so, she underwent a series of tests, to see if she was mentally and physically fit to have the spell cast on her. It took months, and it wasn’t always easy to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone completely different from who you were. In the middle of the process, it seemed she could see no end.

But it happened, eventually. And Haseul wished she could say it was magical and wonderful and everything she had wanted in life, but all she felt afterwards was normal. And that was a blessing in and of itself. To feel at home in her own body.

Of course, there were side effects to every piece of magic. This was hers. To be haunted by a person who had never existed-- that boy.

She could see him in the mirror as vividly as she could see herself. That dorky blonde bob cut she had thought was so cool now made her cringe.

The world wasn’t made for you. You think your friends would still like you if they knew what you were? They’d find you disgusting.

“I am who I am. If that does happen, then I guess they weren’t my friends at all.”

But you have faith. How charming.

The boy stepped closer, his breath hot on her neck.

They’re going to have to find out sometime. You came close, last winter. Didn’t that scare you?

It had, far more than she was willing to admit to her shadow.

You should go back, back to being me. At least then you would be an actual person.

“I was never you. Get out of my head.”

You’re so stubborn. No wonder Jungeun left you. How could anyone love someone so...so boring?

Haseul closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. It’s only a dream, it’s only a dream. She had to keep reminding herself that this apparition wasn’t real. It was only an extension of her own self doubts. That’s what they’d told her. She just had to keep on with until he faded away, disappeared like a summer wind.

Should I remind you of what happened when your brothers found out?

Her brothers were immature and unwelcoming at the best of times, but they’d reacted fairly well to finding out they had a big sister. Better than Haseul had expected. The youngest was excited, but the oldest had a bit of a fit. He and Haseul had never really gotten along well. The day after she became herself, she’d come home to find her closet ransacked and her clothes burned. Her mother had chastised her brother, but the two of them had never really made up. Their relationship was never the same, and it hurt. It hurt like getting a limb torn off.

See? You’ve got nothing to gain from staying this way. Go, tell your mother that you regret doing this and that you want to go back.

Haseul grit her teeth and slammed her hand against the glass of the mirror. The boy wore that same, self-satisfied smirk.

Like you said, I’m not real. No point in attacking me.

No, you couldn’t kill an idea. But you could forget one. You could put your past behind you, untouched.  You could lock it away forever and go on with the rest of your life.

Haseul turned away from the mirror. The boy screamed in agony.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Haseul didn’t respond. This fragment wasn’t worth her time, and neither was anyone who shared its sentiments.

The boy slammed his fist against the glass of the mirror. She could sense that her shadow wanted to follow, but he wasn’t real. He only had the power she gave him. And she wasn’t going to give him a single ounce more of herself.

You can’t leave me behind! I am you-- I deserve consideration!

Haseul hummed quietly to herself as she got dressed. It was a tune her mother had sung to her as a child, when there were no brothers to share her affection, when it was just the two of them, all alone in an empty house. She focused on that warmth and let the cold voice of her shadow fade away unnoticed.

You’ll always be alone!

You can still make things right!

LISTEN TO ME!

Let me in….

please--

Haseul shrugged the last vestiges of her old self away and stepped into a new world, free of his pain and hatred. Yeojin was waiting for her downstairs. She couldn't let her down.

On her way out of the room, she passed by a mirror. She took a brief glance at her reflection and smiled. There was no boy there. The shadow was gone, and a new light had taken its place. What else could she do but smile, to see herself, well and truly whole for the first time in her life?

Haseul closed her eyes and gave herself a hug.