INTRODUCTION

Jung Ewon (Aeon Rhodes)

If this was a movie, we'd be at the part where the guy is doing meaningless tasks while the season's change around him and he grows a beard or cuts his hair or does something else to show time moving forward. But I don't have facial hair (like hell I would, not on this face, baby!)  or stimulating visual effects, so I'll just tell you that the years kept coming and the years kept going. 

I left Seoul, toured with a well-regarded company, and danced for large audiences. I worked on cruise ships and saw parts of the world I never thought I'd encounter outside of books. My twenties passed, my thirties were half over, and I started working on breaking into choreography because dancing into my fourties wasn't going to be easy. I made new friends, fell out of touch with some friends, and kept in touch with others. I met men who made me laugh, men who made me think, men who made me . But I never met another man who made my heart leap and had me hoping for "forever". Two chances at love in one lifetime, it seemed, were the maximum any one person got.

During my bitter moments, it made me mad because I'd lost both Nichkhun and Taecyeon before I turned thirty, which left me with a long life alone. But in my positive moments, I told myself that some people aren't even lucky enough to find one person who makes them feel warm and right and good, and I'd had two. Of course, they'd shattered my trust and my spirit, but it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, right? At least that's what they say. If you ever meet "they", kick' em in the shin for me, would you?

All right, that's enough naval gazing. Are you ready to hear about the next picture? Okay, well, to understand this one, I have to tell you about the worst thing that ever happened to me.

My sister died.

She was living in Nevada with her two kids from two different unnamed fathers. She had been working late. There was a drunk driver. The roads were slick with September rain. And I got a call in the middle of the night from her friend-slash-nanny telling me that Sunny was gone and my six-year-old niece and seven-year-old nephew needed me.

My mother and I flew down there, got Jimin and Jisoo into counseling, and agreed that more changes wouldn't be good for them, so they should stay in Las Vegas, at least to finish out the school year. My mom was in her late sixties, not in the greatest health, and married to a man who owned business in Hong Kong. So once the things were settled, she went back to her home at the other end of the world. That left me in Nevada as the legal guardian-on the way to becoming the adopted father-of two small children.

None of it was what I'd expected or wanted, but life throws at you and you have to deal. At age thirty-five in 2015, I'd long since figured that out. So I called a buddy who worked at one of the Vegas shows, got a gig dancing and training under the lead choreographer, and moved my life to Nevada.

As you recall, Nichkhun's father and stepmother lived there and, last I'd heard, so did he. When my sister broke up with the guy who moved her to Vegas, she was looking for work. As luck would have it, Nichkhun's parents were looking for a nanny right then. My decision to cut off all contact with his family didn't apply to my mother and sister, so Sunny ended up nannying for Teerajiat Ajeoshi and Shi Hye Ajumma. Thankfully, she had repsected my request not to talk about Nichkhun, understanding how painful that break up had been for me.

The downside to that courtesy was that I didn't realize she had kept in touch with Nichkhun long after the nannying gig for his father ended. And that lack of knowledge left me completely unprepared for what happened next. Are you ready? Don't worry, bad 's over, I promise.

Jaejoong, a guy I'd sort of dated long, long time ago, who is a very special person in my heart and who had remained one of my closest friends after all those years, was in town for the weekend, and I'd promised I'd meet him for dinner and dancing one night. I hadn't done anything but work and bond with Jimin and Jisoo in the month since I'd moved into town, so I was looking forward to it. I called Stacia, my sister's friend and the kids' former nanny, and asked her to babysit.

So far so good. But then, minutes before I was expecting her, my phone rang.

"Hi, Ewon, listen, I'm sooooo sorry to have to do this, but I feel like and I just threw up, so I can't watch the kids tonight." Before I could buck up and tell her it was okay and to feel better, she added "But I didn't want to leave you hanging, so I asked someone else to fill in."

Other than the people from work, I didn't know anybody in town, not even any of Sunny's other old friends, so I wasn't inclined to let someone else watch my kids.

"Thanks for the offer, Stacia, but don't worry about it. I don't feel right leaving the kids with a stranger."

"Oh! He's not a stranger. Don't worry. The kids love him.He's-"

The doorbell rang and both kids screeched "Let's hide! Let's hide!"

It was a favorite game whenever anybody came into the house, including me. I can't for the life of me explain why it was entertaining, but there you have it.

"I think he's here, Stacia, I'll take care of it. Thanks again and feel better."

I hung up the phone and walked over to the door, trying to decide whether I should trust this person on Stacia's word or send him away. I was so lost in thought, I had the door open before I looked up. I raised my head when I saw two sets of feet walk in.

And there, standing in my apartment, were Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul and Ok Taecyeon. I gasped and leaped back from the physical embodiments of the  ghosts who had never stopped haunting me.

"Ewon!" Nichkhun shouted happily, and at the same moment Taecyeon excitedly cried out "Aeon!" 

It was like a ing nightmare.

"." I muttered and turned my head quickly from my first love to the only other man I'd trusted with my heart. They'd each eviscerated me once upon a time, and though I'd healed, mostly, being faced with both of them at the same moment was still to much...way too much. I suddenly felt as nauseous as Stacia.

Taecyeon slowlly turned his head to Nichkhun, whose mouth was gaping open "Ewon?" Taecyeon asked weakly.

Nichkhun closed his mouth and gulped "Aeon?" he said.

"." I groaned, as my brain started catching up to the comedy of horrors unfolding in front of me. It wasn't just that they were both there at the same time. They had been standing close together when I'd opened the door. Really close. And was Nichkhun's arm around Taecyeon's back?

They both looked over at me and stared.

"Ewon?" Nichkhun asked, his voice hesitant, the question clear from his tone.

"Aeon?" Taecyeon asked, sounding equal part incredulous and horrified.

Their tones and body language had already clued me in to what I was seeing, but when I shifted my gaze from Nichkhun's eyes to Taecyeon's and then back again, my suspicion was confirmed. I knew them well enough to recognize what I was seeing.

I'd loved two men during my thirty-five years on this planet. Only two. And I'd lost them both. Wouldn't it just figure that they'd found in each other what they had both deemed missing in me?

I dropped my face into my hands and whispered "."

And that's when Jimin ran over and said "I found your camera, Uncle Ewon! Can I take a picture?"

Taecyeon looks green. Nichkhun looks pale. I look like I'm going to pass out. And not a single one of us is looking at the camera. That's the next picture in the album.

Nichkhun Buck Horvejkul

Fifteen years. That's how long it had been since I'd talked to him. The first boy I'd ever loved. The one who had made me realize without a doubt that I was gay because there could be no other explanation for the way my heart raced every time I saw him. The person who had looked at me like I held all the answers to all the questions in the universe and who had never stopped glowing when I walked in the room. The guy who had never judged me, never found me lacking, and always put me first.

Jung Ewon: the person I had been too young to appreciate, too distracted to hold on to, but too in love with to ever forget.

Being with him had been both the best and the worst first relationship imaginable. Best because it was, in most ways, idyllic and happy and generous. Worst because measuring any adult relationships against it had left them lacking.

Which wasn't to say I hand't had any other good relationships. I am a relationship kind of guy, hookups and flings have never been my cup of tea, so there had been other boyfriends in my life since Ewon and I broke up. But really, none of them had ever captured me like he had, made feel what he did, none of them had found a place in my head and in my heart and never let go.

Well, none expect for the man who shared my bed, my mortgage, my law practice, and, at that moment, my shock-Ok Taecyeon.

"What the just happened here?" Taecyeon asked, his gaze fixed on the door that had just closed.

"I don't-" I gulped, listened to the rapid footsteps fade away, and shook my head "I don't know."

Seven-year-old Jimin jumped in with the oh so helpful summary: "Uncle Ewon said he'd be back by midnight, and your friend said a bad word." he planted his hands on his hips and glared at Taecyeon "Mr. Nichkhun, tell your friend he isn't allowd to say bad words. It's my mother's rule."

Great. We'd violated his dead mother's rule. Never mind that I had heard Sunny cuss more than a drunked sailor. If people could see those they left behind from the afterlife, I had no doubt Sunny was, at that moment, laughing her off at me being scolded by her son.

"I'm sorry, Jimin." I said as I hunkered down so we were at eye level "We'll be more careful from now on." I smacked Taecyen's shin "Won't we?"

"Oh, uh, yes. More careful." Taecyeon said.

"Who is he?" Jimin asked as he looked at Taecyeon warily.

"This is Mr. Taecyeon. He's my boyfriend and he's going to hang out with us tonight, Okay?"

"Does he play Legos too?"

I smiled. Jimin had become obsessed with Legos a couple of years earlier, so whenever I went to Sunny's for dinner, our agenda included a good bit of time with me sprawled on Jimin's bedroom floor building animals out of Legos. Of course, Taecyeon didn't know that because he never met Sunny or her kids.

Part of that was because Sunny had never had any interest in meeting him or any of my previous boyfriends. I figured her reason was a self-imposed loyalty to her brother, so I'd never given her a hard time about it. Plus, the truth of the matter was, she shared Ewon's eyes, and that made me felt strange touching anybody alse in front of her.

So, by unspoken agreement, whenever I spent time with her, I did it solo. I'd go over for dinner when Taecyeon had late meeting or spend an afternoon with them when he traveled for business. It was easier that way. But now Sunny was gone, I'd been needed for a last-minute babysitting, and bringing Taecyeon with me had seemed like a good idea.

"Sure he can. Right, Taecyeon?"

"Uh-huh, sure." Taecyeon looked at Jimin and said "Do you know where Aeon...I mean, Uncle Ewon went tonight?"

Okay, so maybe bringing him hadn't been a great idea. Though I had been expecting Ewon's mom to be with the kids, not Ewon, so it wasn't like I could have anticipated how it would play out. That...and the fact that I had no idea Taecyeon knew Ewon.

"Is he going out on a date with his boyfriend? Does he have a boyfriend? Does he date?" Taecyeon fired out the questions in rapid succesion.

I was still squatting, so I smacked him in the shin again and said "Come on! Get a grip. Not in front of the K-I-D-S."

"I can spell, you know. I'm seven." Jimin notified us.

"Shi...I mean da....I mean, uh." I blinked rapidly, tried to get my brain in orfer, and toppled backward, landing on my .

Taecyeon started laughing hysterically.

Jimin snorted, rolled his eyes, and said "You guys are weird. I'm going to play with Jisoo." then he vacated the room almost as quickly as Ewon had bolted from the apartment.

"So." Taecyeon said.

"Yup." I answered.

"That's the 'Wonnie' you talk about?"

I furrowed my brow and looked at him "I don't remember us ever discussing exes, Taecyeon. In fact, I think that was something we both agreed to from the beginning. Leave the past in the past, isn't that wast we said?"

"You talk in you sleep sometimes, hon."

"." I stood up, feeling horrible and needing to apologize for the pain that I must have caused him.

He held his hand out and helped me up "No cussing in the house." he said, wagglng his eyebrows

"God, I'm sorry. Are you mad?"

"No. I'm not." he assured me "I'm not going to say I liked it, but it's not like I didn't understand." I wrapped my arms around his waist and looke into his eyes, trying to read his expression. He looked tired and sad, but not angry "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

He sighed deeply and then said "Because it would have made me a hypocrite."

"A hypocrite?"

"I have my own one-that-let-go-away, Nichkhun. The only difference is, I kept my mouth shut about him when I was awake and when I was asleep." he paused, looking deeply pained, shuddered, and then added in a whisper "But that doesn't mean I stopped thinking about him, even for a day, an hour, or a minute."

"Ewon?" I asked.

He nodded "I know him as Aeon, but yes."

We stood in silence for a couple of minutes, both of us thinking, and then I said "We should probably talk, huh?"

The corners of Taecyeon's mouth curled up "You want to have a converation? What, like about feelings and ? Do people even do this anymore?"

I chuckled, but I felt too weighed down with emotions to find the humor in the situation "I love you. I want you to know that. Whatever I said in my sleep and whatever I felt-" I paused and took a deep breath, forcing myself to be honest with the man who shared every facet of my life "-or feel about Ewon, doesn't impact what you mean to me. It doesn't change how much I love you."

When he didn't respond and stood there, looking as melancholy as I felt, I started to worry "Taecyeon." I kissed him gently "We agreed to build a life together and share our future, and I've never regretted that, not once. Please believe me."

"I do believe you, hon." he circled his arms around my hips, and we held each other "And I feel the same way. I've never regretted it, even when things haven't been easy and even though everything isn't always perfect."

I understood what he meant. We loved each other, liked each other, and respected each other. But life in the bedroom could be a challenge. It wasn't an issue of attraction-I found him y as hell and could tell from the way he touched me that he felt the same way about me. But before we'd gotten together, I had dated guys who liked to bottom with only an occasional desire to change it up, and he had topped exclusively. We'd found a middle ground over the years, both of us learning to bend, learning to move outside of our comfort zones to find happiness together. But we had always known that was one area where compatibility was a bit of a challenge.

And then there were the ways in which we were sometimes too compatible. We were partners in our own two-person law firm. We worked out together at the same gym. We lived under one roof. So there were nights when we'd look at each other and without saying a word, knew it was time to go out, time to catch up with friends, time to find someplace loud and full of energy to break up our routine.

"Nichkhun?"

"Yes?"

"You said you don't regret our life, don't regret our decision to build our future together."

"I don't." I said vehemently.

"I know. But-" he took a deep breath "Do you regret losing him?"

Honesty was one thing, hurting a man I loved was another. "Taecyeon, let me explain. I-"

"Do you regret not having a future with him?" he added.

"I-"

Thankfully he cut me off, because I wasn't sure what I was going to say "Because I do."

"." I took a deep breath and dragged my fingers through my hair "I guess we do need to talk, huh?"

"Hey, don't look so down about it." Taecyeon grinned at me "We've managed to hold off what some might consider a basic converation for five years. That's pretty good, right?"

I shrugged "I guess. Think after this one we can avoid it for another five?"

All  the humor left his face "Not if the conversation ends up where I think it should."

That comment could have meant a couple of different things, one of them being that we wouldn't be together for another five years. But I knew that wasn't what he meant, not only because I knew Taecyeon almost as well as I knew myself, but also because I understood without him saying a word how he thought things should end up. It was easy to know, because, crazy though it was, I felt the same way.

Thankfully, the converation had to wait, because right then, Jisoo raced  up holding a huge book "Mr. Nichkhun, can you read this to me?"

Jimin was on her heels "No! It's Lego time."

"I was first, Jimin!" Jisoo shouted as she squeezed herself between me and Taecyeon and her book up.

"No, you weren't." Jimin tried to shove her out of the way "Nichkhun already promised he'd play Legos with me!"

I had some experince with kids because my sister is twenty years younger than me and I spent a lot of time with her. But because of our age difference, we were both essentially only children, so sibling rivalry was a completely foreign concept.

"I have an idea." Taecyeon said unexpectadly "How about I read to Jisoo while Nichkhun builds with Jimin?" the kids stopped pushing each other and looked at him, seemingly trying to weigh this new offer "And then we can trade spots and you can vote on who was the best builder and who was the best reader. Won't that be fun?"

I would have rolled my eyes at how my ubercompetitive boyfriend had managed to turn an evening with children into a game of winners and losers, but Jisoo was already walking over to the couch, holding her book with one hand and two of Taecyeon's fingers with other, and Jimin was tugging me to his bedroom, whispering about how I had the advantage because I had already played with Legos.

"Who knew you had such a way with kids?" I said to Taecyeon as I followed Jimin.

"I never have." he said to me "But they're Aeon's, um, Ewon's right? So we need to learn now."

My heart tripped and my breath hitched "You're right. We do."

And with those words, we had come to an agreement. No conversation needed.

Unfortunately, the conversation respite didn't last long. By the time the kids were bathed and put in bed, and then given another glass of water and put in bed, and then read another book and put in bed, and then taken to the bathroom again and put in bed, and then mercifully fell asleep. Ewon walked in the front door.

He had looked horrified and shocked during the sixty seconds we'd spent together in his apartment before he's said his good-byes to the kids and ran away. When he stuffled in the door at the end of the night, he looked just as horrified, just as shell-shocked, but also bone tired, and so miserable I wanted to scoop him up in my arms and promise I'd make everything okay.

Taecyeon and I had just collapsed on the couch, but we both jumped to our feet when the door opened.

"Ewon." I said happily.

At the same time, Taecyeon, his voice filled with longing, said "Aeon."

"Haven't we already done this part?" Ewon asked. He tried to smile, but his voice was weak and his eyes were sad, so it didn't come off as happy.

"What do you want to be called, baby?" Taecyeon asked "You tell us, and we'll keep it straight."

Ewon jerked his gaze over to me the second Taecyeon called him baby. It was strange to hear, both because my boyfriend was using the term to refer to another man and also because someone else was calling Ewon 'baby'. But the other man was Ewon, and the someone else was Taecyeon, and somehow that made it all right.

"I go by both." he said, his voice sounded weak, tired, and scared "It doesn't matter."

Taecyeon took a couple of steps toward him "It matters to us." he took another step "You matter to us."

The expression that took over Ewon's face right then was completely foreign. It was a horrible combination of bitterness, anger, and resignation "Cut the , Taecyeon. I haven't mattered to you in a long time." he coughed out a bitter laugh "Hell, I probably never mattered to you."

Taecyeon winced, and I could see pain flash in his eyes.

"Ewon, that's not true." I started walking over to him "He cares about-"

"Nichkhun, don't." Ewon threw his hand up "I get that you're with him now, and I have no idead what he told you about our relationship and, really, it's none of my business, but you weren't there, so don't assume he cared." he glared at Taecyeon "He didn't care about anything but getting his rocks off," Ewon hadn't moved far from the door, so it took no time for him to turn the handle and swing it open "Thanks for watching the kids tonight. I know it was awkward. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Vegas is a big city, and I promise to stay out of your way."

Taecyeon still hadn't said a word or moved an inch since Ewon's angry remark, but he looked devastated. It was completely unlike Taecyeon, who was normally unflappable and not particularly sensitive or emotional, so I found the reaction very disconcerting.

Knowing it was up to me to make inroads with Ewon, I said "You're right, seeing each other after all these years caught us off guard, but, Ewon, please, we don't want you to stay away from us. We still care about you. Both of us. We-"

"Get out." his expression was icy.

"Don't do this." I begged.

"You're good at that, remember?" he said snidely "You're good at walking away from someone like they don't even matter, good at walking away from all you promises. get out of here, Nichkhun, and take you boyfriend with you."

I didn't recognize this vicious, rabid version of the happy, loving boy I'd known. Had I done that? Had I hurt him so badly that this was what he'd become? I wanted to cry, wanted to beg for forgiveness, wanted to punch myself in the face.

"Ewon, please, we-"

"LEAVE!" he shouted, and then he darted his gaze toward the hallway leading to the children's bedrooms, took a deep breath and in a calmer, lower but colder voice, said "Get out of my house. Get out of my life. Both of you. Get. Out."