“I have everything to be guilty for."

— Byun Baekhyun

The water was scalding, that was the first thing I remembered. It coated the plush side of my cheeks as I splashed it from the sink, into my hands, and across my face with what can only be described as the consistency of stringy honey. It stuck, it bubbled up like boiling caramel and pulled off. 

I had the thought that this couldn’t be real. 

But as the pain settled and I reached up with a shaky hand, the soft pads of my fingers pushed into, through the layers of my skin. It was moist, warm, like a rotten potato being filled with thick grubs. 

And as I looked myself in the mirror, small pieces dropped into the basin of the sink. 

nose an earlobe eyelashes lip eye eye no sight no sight black black black 

screaming screaming SCREAMING 

I woke with a gasp that tore through my lungs and set my chest on fire. I was heaving but my hands could only do one thing: the very much intact skin on my face. Relief flooded my head and I set back in an attempted feeling of safety. 

Just a nightmare. The third of tonight. 

I glanced at the clock, its face read 3 AM and I despaired at the fact that I had only been sleeping, if you can call this sleeping, for maybe an hour. The buzz from the TV and the soft clicking of the fan were the only sounds other than the hefty breath from my mouth. I swallowed down the dissolving fear and found instead, a tear trailing the supple round of my cheek and dispersing itself on the cut of my jaw. I couldn’t bring myself to wipe it away. 

All I could see was the way he looked at me. Teeth bared back like an animal warning their prey. Blackened eyes burning threat into mine. What had I done wrong?— Being there? Who was the man? What had happened to make him act in such a way? 

“Criminals are getting crafty, they’re your neighbors that invite you over for pasta dinner and wine. You just never expect it anymore.”

My professor’s words rung in my mind, but surely not. Not him… Not Jongdae. 

And who was Chen?— I couldn’t sleep. 

Was I angry? No, I thought as I buried my face under the pillow. It was cold and soothing to my puffy face. No, just sad. And worried, though I had a feeling that he could take care of himself. My eyes hurt and soon, I found myself falling back asleep, Dae’s soft words forcing out the ones I didn’t wish to remember. 

I was back at the sink. I was splashing water onto my face again, though this time, it was simply warm. I made sure to get the suds of gloppy soap off my hand and face. The towel beside the sink was rough, not like the plush ones I remember, but I used them anyway and they left deep textures like scratch marks on my cheeks. 

I left the bathroom. The clock said it was 7:49 PM. I knew he was late, though I didn’t know what for, or who he was. The room was illuminated with sickly yellow lights. They pulled me out and felt as if they were tainting me, bruising me. Numbing yellow lights. 

This was my house, this was my room, this was my bathroom. I knew this. No. This was our h o u s e, this was our r o o m, this was our b a t h r o o m. He wasn’t here and I had the urge to pull the hair from my head. I wanted each strand gone for each second he was late. Red, hot despair was sitting like clumped cotton in my throat. I was choking on it. 

I was facing another mirror; I was sitting in front of another mirror. I could see our b e d. It was draped in a blanket of thickened, red wax. It was melting down, small drips landing like suicide splatters on the hard tile below. 

I had the thought that this couldn’t be real. 

That’s when I saw him. 

At some point, my eyes had drooped shut and when I opened them, a man stood behind me. He was dressed in all black. His face was covered in a black mask that fitted tightly around his head. It pushed in as he sputtered to breath, it suffocated him as he tried to mask his n e e d s. 

He looked g u i l t y. He was holding a k n i f e. 

The numbing yellow lights caught the edge of that guilty looking knife. It reflected off the shiny surface of the wax b e d and said hello to me through the mirror. I remember crawling to get away, but nothing moved as I willed them to. They wanted him. My arms, my legs, my torso. The mask. 

He took a step forward I crashed into the mirror Someone was calling my name what was my name He took another step forward I had nowhere to go The twisted smile of the knife came down. 

It was gushing into my skin. Bits were flying and splattering and covering and dripping. The yellow lights tainted my inside too. I felt him I felt it I felt everything. I felt them call my name. 

His mask came off. It was B a e k h y u n. 

And I had been screaming his name. screaming s c r e a m i n g SCREAMING 

“Jieun wake up!” 

And then I was awoken once more. It rang out clearly this time, my name, and I was yanked forcefully out of my nightmarish hell. My chest was squeezing and aching and I felt that perhaps someone had stabbed me. But, as I looked up, eyes wide and confused, I simply came in contact with my mother, who’s hand was draped lightly over my chest. 

Another look at the clock told me only another hour had passed. My question was immediate: “What happened? Is everything okay?” 

She looked solemn, I couldn’t describe it more than that, though I felt that I should’ve been able to. “We’re fine, darling,” she calmed, a tight smile taking over her face. I took a breath of plain relief. “But, Baekhyun isn’t.” 

“Huh?” I was cold all of a sudden, goosebumps forming on my arms as I remembered my dream. As I remembered that knife and that guilt. I wiped cold sweat from my forehead. What happened? She was silent. “Mom?” 

“Baby, we got a call from the company, Baekhyun’s father had a heart attack last night. Baekhyun called the house a few times looking for you I guess, though he didn’t leave a message…” Her eyes were slowly turning red and I grabbed her hand, squeezing tight. “You should go to him, he needs you right now.” 

Every fiber in my being revolted at her suggestion, but I shoved them down. He does need someone right now, and logically that person should be me. And so I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. “Do you know if he’s at the hospital, or?” I had never experienced death before, where does one go when your Dad… leaves?— leaves forever? 

Mom thought he would be at his apartment, telling me that I should be strong from him, but remember that you can come home if ever you need a moment. I didn’t understand why she made it seem like a life commitment. I fidgeted with the gold bracelet until she left with a simple call me baby if you need anything, that was so unlike my mom it made me wonder if I was dreaming again. 

But the uneventful silence and the slight honk of a car horn far away told me that I wouldn’t be waking from this. I finally found the energy to grab my phone, clicking it on to read dozens of built up messages. Some were from a stupid class project that I instantly deleted, if it was important, they would message again. But the rest were from him, from Baekhyun. 

Ji, something bad happened. Ur parents will know soon so i thought u should know first Baekhyun 10:21 PM Saturday 

pls give me a call Baekhyun 10:22 PM Saturday 

I was awake then, I got those messages. I was just with Jongdae and so I ignored them. I scrolled through a few and went to the most recent. 

im calling a cab home, i dont think i can drive Baekhyun 1:46 AM Sunday 

I wasn’t sure what to do, but I thought it was the best option available in the moment, so I hit the