warnings : mentions of fissure lol. also, there are brief flashbacks which I have split kinda obviously….i hope you’ll figure it out lmao

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Monochromatic Hearts

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry. You must have slept already.”

 

Jongin reaches out to pat at some patch of Kyungsoo’s hair that is unruly, fixing it. He doesn’t miss the way Kyungsoo blush as the elder male reaches up to touch his own hair afterwards, self-conscious.

 

“I just napped,” Kyungsoo says, proceeding to fix his bangs and rubbing at his eye with the back of his hand. “Did you come directly from the show?”

 

“Kyungsoo, I remember,” Jongin blurts out, soon after he closes the door himself. “I remember you. I remember us.” He watches Kyungsoo look up at him with disbelief, speechless, and maybe a little confused. Jongin chuckles bitterly. “How is it that we always had accidental meetings in public washrooms?”

 

“You remember,” Kyungsoo mumbles, wide-eyed.

 

“It’s hard not to. You left quite an impression,” Jongin grins.

 

Kyungsoo looks down. “I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not…”

 

“Why would it be a bad thing?”

 

He guesses this is what they would call a deja vu. The idol can’t remember details but he’s very sure their conversation at that time went like this, yet something feels oddly reversed this time. Different. Young Jongin was shy, wanted to be as bold and daring as young Kyungsoo who expressed himself in a way he wanted to be seen by his peers, and in a way he wanted to express his very self in general. Young Jongin would have very little idea of how he would have come so far at the age of 25, grew out of his quietness and reservation, became a sensational icon to many.

 

“I wanted to be like you.”

 

Kyungsoo appears confused. “You’re lying. I was a nobody.”

 

Jongin frowns. “You really have no idea.” 

 

The elder male is most probably flustered, which leads to him moving away from the entrance walkway. “I’ll- I’ll make something warm for you—”

 

Grabbing his arm, Jongin makes him turn around to face him instead, surprising Kyungsoo who lets out a gasp.

 

“I… I just want to talk.”

 

-

 

Kyungsoo is rubbing Winter’s belly on his lap while the cat basks in the attention. Jongin’s not sure if he’s trying to ignore Jongin or if he’s trying to distract himself from feeling funny things being together with Jongin in private now. Seems like the latter.

 

Jongin notes the remote control beside the half-full bowl of rich looking oatmeal.

 

“You watched the live?”

 

Kyungsoo seems to hang his head down. “Yes…”

 

“How was it?”

 

“H-How was what?”

 

“The show. Me.”

 

“I liked your performance…”

 

Jongin wants to say that’s it? but he figures it would be too crude. He’s not here to scare the elder male. He’s here to make things right between them, to clear the air, somewhat. “Ky—”

 

“…the most.”

 

Jongin blinks, buffering for a bit before he feels his face getting warm and, unashamedly, his ego boosted. Kyungsoo isn’t looking at him. He must have found great comfort with the cat in his hold.

 

Clearing his throat, Jongin tries again. “Kyungsoo, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

 

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, still petting Winter.

 

“And um,” Jongin continues, eyeing the feline in Kyungsoo’s lap and back at the male himself. “I believe I’d relay my words better if you would actually… look at me.”

 

Kyungsoo bites at his lower lip, and soon he lifts the cat and places her on the floor for her to be on her way. When he sits back, even with his torso turned, his gaze isn’t where Jongin expects it to be.

 

“Is it stressful being around me?” Jongin enquires, wary.

 

“No, it’s not that,” Kyungsoo shakes his head, his fingers looking for something to hold onto, which for now is the stray thread of his sweater. “I’m happy.”

 

“You look quite anxious to me…”

 

“I- I just don’t know how to contain myself, that’s all,” Kyungsoo spares him a brief glance before looking back down at his lap. 

 

Jongin can’t stop staring at him. He’s fidgety… because he’s immensely happy? With a deep sigh, he lets his body go lax and lean back, closing his eyes. He turns his head in Kyungsoo’s direction who finally looks at him with question in his eyes.

 

“I thought you were still mad at me.” Jongin admits, watching the elder male fidget less.

 

“I don’t hold grudges…”

 

Jongin sits up again, inching closer to Kyungsoo’s side but not too close that it invades the latter’s personal space. “Kyungsoo, I’m sorry. I… shouldn’t have left like that.”

 

Most possibly not expecting the apology, Kyungsoo stops fidgeting entirely and eyes Jongin with apprehension. “It’s okay…”

 

“And I shouldn’t have left you in the dark, not dropping you a call nor a visit…”

 

“It’s—”

 

“Not okay. Listen, Kyungsoo,” Jongin takes a breath. “I don’t want to say me acting the way I did was because ‘that’s just how I am’ and that my actions could be excused for that sole reason, could only be attributed to how I’m rash and temperamental. With every action I took, it could only mean I had deliberated it, and that night I left you because I thought of it. These… thoughts, they crossed my mind and I… followed them, and you were hurt. That’s not okay, and for that, I’m really sorry.”

 

Kyungsoo frowns, his eyes looking sad now. “You were just overwhelmed… You needed some space.”

 

“I still think I could’ve done better, sat like this and talked it out with you and went on my way to have space to myself to think about it, without actually completely cutting you off.”

 

“You sent Junmyeon to check on me, though,” Kyungsoo says. “You didn’t completely cut me off.”

 

It takes Jongin some moments to register what Kyungsoo is actually doing. “Kyungsoo… you don’t need to do this. I’m trying to own up to my mistakes.”

 

“I want to move past it. I’m feeling happy that you’re here, and I want this to live while it can… I was upset when you were gone, and there was even a time when I thought you would never want to see me again and I lived in fear of having to move out and find another place to stay. I don’t like being reminded of it…” Kyungsoo’s voice grows quieter at the end of his sentence and Jongin can only look at him apologetically, something heavy still sitting in his chest for it.

 

As per Kyungsoo’s request, Jongin doesn’t say anything further about the small rift they had. Instead, he slides a hand into his jeans pocket to retrieve the small tube, handing it to the smaller male. “Here. I used it well. Thank you.”

 

It’s gently taken out of his palm, and when Jongin looks up he finds himself gazing into Kyungsoo’s imploring, bright eyes. It renders him speechless, the way Kyungsoo looks up at him with that interesting innocence once again, like he has little to no clue what this would bring upon them. Jongin raises his hand to—

 

“Stay here.” Kyungsoo says and Jongin doesn’t get enough time to process what just happened when the other male suddenly stands up (with a little struggle due to the twins, Jongin notes with the way he has to find purchase on the armrest) and zooms into the bedroom. 

 

Alone, Jongin stares at his hand awkwardly and wonders if he would have cupped Kyungsoo’s face had the elder male not leave him in such state. Maybe he would. 

 

He isn’t left long enough to ponder further and into unknown territory when the pregnant male returns with both hands occupied. Kyungsoo sits in his previous spot and places a bottle in his lap, preparing a cotton square and moistening it with the liquid from the bottle and it takes Jongin a couple of moments to realize it’s makeup remover. 

 

Kyungsoo scoots himself closer to Jongin enough for him to be able to reach the idol’s face without straining his back, all the while the idol sits still. Perhaps he’s a little stunned, because Kyungsoo always manages to surprise him with little actions like this, and it’s… not fair. 

 

The coolness of the moistened cotton pad almost startles Jongin once it hits his cheek. He could totally offer to do it himself. This is more than doable, but he likes how Kyungsoo is so close to him like this. 

 

“You need to sleep and rest more,” Is what Kyungsoo says after wiping off the makeup from Jongin’s undereye. “You seem like you need it.”

 

The elder male resumes removing the makeup on Jongin’s forehead and finally his chin, inspecting the latter’s face for any missed spots while Jongin openly stares at him. 

 

Unfair. It’s just so unfair how much Kyungsoo is affecting him right now and he feels the need to do something to tilt the balance over; an itch, because he’s selfish like that and the way Kyungsoo looks up at him with the apparent gleam in his eyes-

 

And a smile. 

 

“Now you’re bare-faced.” An amused giggle slips out of the elder’s mouth, and his eyes form crescents like that of a gleeful child. 

 

Jongin, with a hand against the armrest on Kyungsoo’s side, dives in to finally tilt the balance over, but pauses a breath away from Kyungsoo’s lips, who’s no longer smiling. He pulls back to see a wide-eyed, confused Kyungsoo, and he’s not sure what to say. Words flit through his brain but nothing, not a word, makes sense.

 

But he guesses words aren’t necessary when he feels a hand on top of his, a quiet plea for him to continue what he initially planned to do. Yet Kyungsoo looks scared, like he’s looking at Jongin for reassurances, and maybe… maybe the hand on top of his is his beg for Jongin to stay, to not leave him like that night a couple weeks back.

 

Jongin isn’t leaving him. 

 

He leans forward, and pecks at the corner of Kyungsoo’s lips lightly before pulling back again to gauge his reaction. Jongin waits for Kyungsoo to collect himself and look up at him again. The hold on his hand tightens, cheeks rosy. Pretty. So pretty, his winter sunset.

 

His free hand travels up to cup Kyungsoo’s jaw and he doesn’t miss the way the elder male eyes his lips before shutting them, but he still looks scared and Jongin isn’t sure why. Is this his excitement? Like how his restless jitters just now translated to happiness?

 

“Is this okay?” Jongin eventually asks, because the last thing he needs is forcing himself on Kyungsoo knowing the elder male would do literally anything for him, and their two little growing tots.  

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t fully open his eyes- no, he’s looking downcast, flushing, and gives him the tiniest nod. So Jongin dives in again, angling his head and closing his eyes as he diminishes the distance between them, and Kyungsoo’s lips are soft, moist, as expected of someone who does his skincare and lip care religiously.

 

Jongin on his upper lip, feeling the cheek he’s caressing grow warmer and warmer and Kyungsoo must be flushing down to his neck. He now feels a hand clutching onto the front of his shirt, so Jongin presses himself onto Kyungsoo, invading all his personal space as he deepens the kiss, but it doesn’t last long as Kyungsoo faces away, making the idol ghost his lips over his cheek.

 

It must have been too much, and much too soon, because Jongin gets it. It is strange between them, and Jongin is scared if he might have read things wrong, or that Kyungsoo only nodded his head in the midst of this haze around them. They’re both tired, and being tangled in this mess, it’s only fair that they feel the need to be reassured, comforted, patted on the back - and they both seem to find solace in each other’s presence. 

 

“You can hold me,” Jongin whispers against his cheek, close to the elder male’s ear, and after a while not feeling any touch on him he thinks that maybe he’s being a little too hopeful. So he pulls himself away- only to feel arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him close. Kyungsoo’s hugging him.

 

“You can hold me, too,” Kyungsoo says in a small voice, chin resting on Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin can feel the beating of someone’s heart, erratic, and he’s not sure whom it belongs to. The hug is nice, Kyungsoo smells nice. Unknowingly Jongin finds himself snaking his arms around the smaller male’s waist, locking his hands behind Kyungsoo’s back. It’s at this time he thinks the bump is being a nuisance, but knowing the babies inside belong to the both of them, Jongin feels increasingly possessive over the other male.

 

“You’re warm,” Jongin says, pulling Kyungsoo closer as much as he can as he buries his nose in the latter’s hair. It’s too soon when Kyungsoo pulls away, his gaze averted, cheeks colouring so prettily. 

 

“It’s late. Are- Are you staying?” Kyungsoo stutters. 

 

Jongin thinks it over. It is late, and he’s frankly tired. “The night? Are you letting me stay?”

 

A nod, and with that the warmth before him is no more as Kyungsoo wordlessly steps away and goes back to his room. He tends to do that a lot; leaving Jongin to himself without telling him what he’s up to. He doesn’t mind being left alone, but he knows it usually means Kyungsoo is troubling himself for Jongin’s sake.

 

So he stands up too and marches over to the master bedroom. When he pushes the door open he sees the pregnant male on the floor before the wardrobe, searching through some clothes.

 

“What’re you doing?” The question startles the elder male as Kyungsoo slightly jumps and turns back. He goes back to searching a second later.

 

“You’re big.” Is what Jongin gets as his reply and he blinks. “None of my clothes can fit you but I think Baek left some of his clothes here…”

 

“Baekhyun? He slept here?”

 

“We have sleepovers sometimes.” Kyungsoo finally pulls out a black graphic T-shirt that certainly isn’t his. Along with it is a pair of old sweatpants. He places them neatly at the side before struggling to get up and Jongin almost dashes to him before the elder male turns up just fine.

 

He gets a clean towel from a different drawer and finds a new toothbrush in the bathroom and hands them all to Jongin who obediently takes them, being directed to the bathroom and he starts to wonder if he smells that bad. 

 

“Um, I’ll be waiting in the living room.” Kyungsoo points outside timidly before leaving Jongin to his own again.

 

Jongin steps inside the bathroom and locks the door, lifting the front of his shirt to his nose and takes a sniff of it. He thinks he’s okay.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo has been annoying Winter the past few minutes, the feline somewhat giving up in his hold as her owner keeps squeezing her paw beans, restless. Kyungsoo thinks of texting Baekhyun but it’s probably late already and goodness are his cheeks still warm…

 

He continues pressing Winter’s paws and then her head, the black furred kitty yawning. When he looks at the time it’s past 12.30 midnight, and he’s supposed to be in bed since he has work in the morning. Does Jongin have any schedule in the morning? He’ll have to ask him this. He’ll have to… He’ll have to… to know if the kiss was real.

 

Kyungsoo curls up on the couch, his two palms on his warm cheeks now as Winter flees from his hold. Jongin kissed him. Jongin… kissed him?

 

Just the other day he had been going on his daily activities without knowing if Jongin was going to make any form of contact with him, and this morning- no, yesterday, Jongin came to find him. And he even dropped by his apartment…

 

Kyungsoo was scared he would leave again, too scared, and many thoughts ran through his mind when Jongin hesitated before kissing him. And now that he knows Jongin is staying he feels a little too overwhelmed now, as he always does.

 

He likes Jongin. He likes him a lot, enough to overlook his past mistakes no matter how big or damaging they were, and some would say it’s a flawed trait, that it would cost you more heartbreaks than happiness, but the world is cold enough as it is and it’s a choice to grant someone second chances, because not everyone gets it.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

The sounds of sea waves whooshing and crashing were calming to the ears.

 

Kyungsoo could smell the salt, a tinge of something damp and aquatic hitting his nostrils. He was never much a fan of the sea, nor beaches. Sunlight makes him sweat, and he hated sweating. Sweating melts his makeup.

 

He had never really taken the time to admire beaches, because seeing too much skin from random strangers makes him uncomfortable. That’s the point of beaches; people dress too little and show too much, bask in the sun and play in the water. Kyungsoo didn’t like it. 

 

“Kyungsoo! Have you found it?”

 

Of course no one knew this, so he had to brave through the not so strong currents against his shins as he continued to search for something underneath the water. 

 

“Use your hands!”

 

Kyungsoo internally sighed, rolling up his sleeves and throwing his lanyard over his shoulder and hoping the sun wasn’t too harsh to his skin as he didn’t wear any sunscreen on his hands and arms. With a slight grimace, he half crouched and dipped his hands into the water, making a show of looking for something when he could care less about the treasure hunt and more about when this would all be over so he could relax in his room.

 

Hawaii was nice… only to people who likes beaches and the sun. Their Director could have just sent them to Jeju Island for the two mentioned elements. Attendance was compulsory especially if you have no pre-planned commitments. Kyungsoo already wanted to return home to Winter, hoping she’s not troubling his neighbour too much.

 

“You good there?”

 

Kyungsoo looked up to find Sehun staring back at him, not having heard him approaching him. He continued his pursue, this time actually searching through the sands. “I’m okay. But aren’t you from a different team? Are you here to steal our treasure?”

 

“You looked uncomfortable.” Sehun snorted. “I could see it from afar.”

 

“I am uncomfortable.” Kyungsoo groans, still looking through the sands and then moving to the other side. “I’m not even close with my teammates. Wish we both were assigned in the same team—”

 

“Hey, careful,” Sehun grabs Kyungsoo’s torso just as he was about to fall into the water and soak himself. Kyungsoo held tight to the arm around his torso as Sehun finally pulled him up and turned him around, made easier due to the elder male’s small and slim frame.

“I think I found the treasure,” Kyungsoo muttered, face blank.

 

“You did?”

 

“It’s there,” Kyungsoo pointed it somewhere behind him, but it was no longer there. He frowned, pretty sure he saw it sitting there—

 

“Huh. Smaller than I thought.” 

 

A voice came from behind them. Kyungsoo didn’t have to look up to know who the voice belonged to. 

 

“Hey, dude.”

 

“Jongin, hey.” Sehun greeted back. Kyungsoo immediately turned around to face Sehun, his eyes downcast as he wished to somehow camouflage himself against the bright orange T-shirt Sehun’s wearing. “That the treasure?”

 

“Dunno. Maybe,” Kyungsoo heard him reply. “ty game.”

 

“Yeah, man. It’s too hot out here.”

 

“I’ll see you around.”

 

Sehun waves back at him. “Guess everyone’s not feeling the game.”

 

Kyungsoo counted to three before backing away from Sehun and turned around, seeing the tanned idol in a tight fitting navy coloured T-shirt and a pair of floral patterned Hawaiian pants walking away from them and towards the beach, shouting at his teammates that he found the treasure.

 

“We better head back. No point searching here anymore,” Sehun started to walk through the water and after a couple of steps with no Kyungsoo beside him, he looked back. “Kyungsoo?”

 

Kyungsoo’s not sure if his cheeks were warm due to the sun or something else. 

 

“He stole my treasure.”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Jongin lets out a sigh as he towel dries his hair and tries hard not to stare at the bottle of pills on the cabinet just beside the mirror on the sink. He thinks they’re just supplements. He once snooped around and he felt bad about it so he tries not to this time. 

 

Kyungsoo’s shampoo smells like peach and berries while his shower cream has a floral scent. Jongin prefers something more aqua and cooling, but it’s nice to know Kyungsoo likes sweet fragrance like this. No wonder he always smells so sweet…

 

No one is in the bedroom when he comes out of the bathroom. He drags his feet towards the living room and there he is. Curled on the couch, eyes closed. Body no longer looking tense, his hands no longer clenched. 

 

Jongin stands still in his spot, staring at the small figure on the couch and releasing a sigh through his nose. Kyungsoo looks too peaceful he doesn’t dare bother him and risk troubling him for anything else. He wants the elder male to rest, but he also wants to know if he’s sleeping on the couch or if there’s a guest bedroom prepared. He guesses that isn’t as important as making sure the elder male wouldn’t wake up with an aching back.

 

Tossing his towel over his shoulder, he approaches the sleeping male quietly, wondering how to go about this before deciding screw it and slips a hand under Kyungsoo’s knees and another on the back of his shoulder as he gently lifts him up, pressing his body against Jongin’s middle. Kyungsoo’s head comes to rest on the idol’s chest and he probably stirs because when Jongin is carrying him over to the bedroom, along the way Kyungsoo grips the front of Jongin’s shirt and nuzzles his face into his chest. Even with the twins in his womb, Kyungsoo isn’t that heavy.

 

Jongin carefully lowers him on the bed, and soon enough Kyungsoo shifts so he’s more comfortable, eyes cracking open to see Jongin about to return to standing. They both are sporting a soft blush.

 

“Sorry, you were sleeping, so…” Jongin apologizes, unsure of what to do so he turns around and is about to leave when he hears his name being faintly called. 

 

“Are you leaving?”

 

Kyungsoo sounds scared. Jongin doesn’t like it.

 

He goes to sit on the edge of the bed, staring down at the lying male. The dim lighting casts a light glow on his face, and he looks beautiful, but sad. “I’m not leaving,” Jongin says. “I’m just gonna sleep outside.”

 

Kyungsoo draws something on his sheets with his finger, avoiding the idol’s gaze. “…Stay?”

 

Jongin’s not sure if that’s the pregnancy talking, but still, it’s Kyungsoo, and tonight is the night he redeems himself, or at least, attempts to. He doesn’t want to make the elder male sadder than he probably already is. 

 

He goes back on his feet and circles the bed to the other side, hesitating for a bit before crawling on the mattress and lifting the sheets. Jongin doesn’t think too much when he pulls Kyungsoo flush to his chest, effectively spooning him from the back. His hands settle just above the bump, careful not to suffocate the elder male. He hears Kyungsoo release a contented sigh and is surprised to find that his heart rate is normal. Kyungsoo must have been so tired he feels a little bad for imposing on him at such a time.

 

“Good night.”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

A series of applause broke through the crowd, some cahooting as the winning team made it up the stage to get their grand prize for the event. Shots were taken of them posing with the director and flaunting their victory.

 

Kyungsoo merely clapped along, stared at one of the team members on stage for a couple of seconds before going back to stare at his funny coloured drink with some flower he did not know the name of tucked at the straw. There’s another glass of orange juice beside it, to which he took and sipped from. He kind of wanted to go back to his room now. 

 

“How many treasures did your team find?” Baekhyun asked from beside him. “Mine found like four before we gave up. Too hot.”

 

Kyungsoo thought for a bit. “I think mine was six.” Could have been seven.

 

He then feels a thumb pressing on his cheek and he flinched.

 

“The flower. It’s already smudged,” Baekhyun pointed at his right cheek. He made them both get a face painting while waiting for the dinner party to start. “Let me wipe the smudged part away.”

 

Kyungsoo obediently stayed still, letting Baekhyun press on his cheek and he hoped to God his fingers were clean. 

 

“I don’t like Hawaii.” He suddenly blurted out, surprising his friend who finally retracted his hand from him, chuckling.

 

“Well, it’s on the company. Can’t refuse partially funded trips,” Baekhyun picked up his glass, taking a sip from his orange juice. He hadn’t touched the alcoholic drink yet like Kyungsoo. Baekhyun noticed the stare. “You’re not drinking?”

 

“Of course I will. Just later,” Kyungsoo eyed his two glasses. His orange juice was already half empty. His plate of food was left at the side, only leaving out some part of the sauce after finding out it tasted like coriander.

 

The host announced something but Kyungsoo didn’t catch it, and when he turned to watch the stage, the winners were already retreating back to their seats, some going to the dance floor. The music picked up, a heavy house music with bass that nearly numbed his ears, and he soon figured out it was a remix of one of their artist’s songs.

 

The alcoholic drink was then shoved in his face, and Kyungsoo blinked at Baekhyun who was taking a sip from his own flute glass. The elder male cocked an eyebrow expectantly.

 

“Unless you’re still waiting for ‘later’?”

 

Kyungsoo eyed the drink for a couple of seconds, before taking it.

 

-

 

Everything was half fuzzy.

 

He could see people dancing on the dance floor, and among them was Baekhyun who seemingly found a girl. Kyungsoo remained seated in his seat, nodding his head to the beat of the song as he didn't feel like going and joining the crowd.

 

He could not remember how many glasses he had taken, but one thing for certain was that he needed to pee. His toes are curling in his shoes, his knees knocking together in an attempt to hold it in. He dunk his head on the table, feeling a little lazy to move, but eventually he got up anyways.

 

It was a journey trying to find the washrooms, with a half full champagne glass in his hand and trudging his way through the other end of the ballroom. When he saw the two symbols, he paused, started leaning against the wall and thought it would be a waste to not finish the rest of his champagne. So he downed it and found the nearest refreshments table and placed it there without much thought before going into the corridor that led to the washrooms. 

 

The magenta lights were distracting. So were the weird floral scents that filled the entire passageway. People kept passing him and running into his shoulder to the point that he almost fell, but he found purchase in the nearest wall. He wasn't too drunk, tipsy maybe, so he could clearly make out the blue stick figure symbol overhead.

 

He could also make out the person standing outside by the washroom entrance, leaning against the wall.

 

Kyungsoo never paused in his walk. There weren't many people there. Maybe there were only two.

 

He headed straight into the washroom area, barely registering the grip on his left arm, effectively stopping him.

 

There were words. He could hear them, directed at him. But he could not understand. Fuzzy.

 

"...seen Junmyeon?"

 

Junmyeon… the name rang a bell. An acquaintance? Regardless, he shook his head lightly, feeling a bit dizzier after. The hold on his arm... it became tighter. Almost painful. Kyungsoo didn't show it. He just wanted to pee.

 

The taller male groaned, a palm meeting his forehead. He then looked at Kyungsoo, his gaze unfathomable, and Kyungsoo couldn't look away. This was as close as he had gotten to the man, it almost felt surreal. In a blur he found his own back hitting the wall, arms caging him.

 

What was distance?

 

The man kept staring at his face, and Kyungsoo felt like an object being scrutinized. Dizzy. His world was spinning. Hooded eyes then landed on his lips.

 

“You… Can we,” The man drooped his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder for one second before looking up again. “-kiss or something?”

 

This man was drunk. Kyungsoo wasn't nearly as drunk, but he might as well be because he didn't even hesitate as he nodded at him, gifting him the consent - the consent that he would have never foreseen the consequences.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Jongin can't sleep.

 

It isn't so much because he has a lot on mind more than it's for the reason that the male in his arms has been sniffling quietly, his shoulders shaking. Kyungsoo feels so small in his hold. He doesn't want to think about how many times the elder male has been like this before; curled up on bed and crying himself to sleep.

 

Jongin doesn't know how to comfort him better other than to tighten the hug and burying his nose in Kyungsoo's nape. The act, however, surprised Kyungsoo.

 

“Are you still awake?” Kyungsoo sniffles, and Jongin behind him feels how the pregnant male moves a little, probably to wipe at his eyes hastily. Jongin only responds by placing a hand on Kyungsoo's arm, rubbing a thumb over the soft skin soothingly.

 

Kyungsoo continues sniffling but he doesn’t cry anymore. Jongin can tell he's more self-aware now at the knowledge that the idol isn't asleep. Jongin sighs.

 

“I don’t feel good when you cry,” Jongin whispers against his nape.

 

It takes Kyungsoo a few moments before he shifts and turns to the other side, facing Jongin now. He haphazardly wipes the tear tracks on his cheeks and when he looks up at the idol, his whole face is flushed pink. “I’m not usually a crier… The pregnancy messes me up.”

 

Jongin stares at him some, releasing an exhale through his nose. “I find myself associating you crying is because of me. More times than not, it’s probably true.”

 

“I don’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo smiles apologetically, and later rests his hand on his belly. "Did I wake you up?"

 

Jongin shakes his head. "Are you still hurting?"

 

"No," Kyungsoo denies, sniffling. "I just keep thinking."

 

"Of what?"

 

"A lot of things.... like, if- if we're going to be okay."

 

Jongin regards him in worry. "You should get some sleep. It's late." He rubs Kyungsoo's arm in an attempt of comforting him. Kyungsoo's gaze is soft on him, rims a little swollen and red, and he looks exhausted. He nods and closes his eyes, his hands tucked together in front of his chest as he gets comfortable, and Jongin watches him slowly drift into slumber.

 

Jongin thinks- no, he hopes, that they’ll be okay.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo wakes up to an empty space beside him.

 

His panic and fear makes him spring up and rush to the living room, sighing in relief at the man sleeping on the couch instead. He holds onto the nearest wall, propping his head onto it as he now feels the sudden blood rushing to his head, making him a little nauseous. Even with the mild sickness, he steals a glimpse of the still sleeping man, his chest rising and falling at a steady pace. 

 

He goes back inside his room, getting his phone to text Junmyeon if Jongin has any schedule this morning. The idol’s manager immediately replies back with his own question if the idol is there. Kyungsoo means to text him back but instead receives a voice call from the man himself.

 

“He’s at my place. Still asleep,” Kyungsoo answers as soon as Junmyeon asks where he is. He’s boiling water in the kitchen with his phone in one hand.

 

“Oh… Good to know. He hasn’t been answering my calls and texts.”

 

“I’m sorry. I haven’t heard his phone ring too.”

 

“Never mind. Probably left in the car or ran out of battery. Uh, I hope he’s not troubling you. I’ll be there shortly- you know what, just wake him up for me, please. You have work and he probably drove there.”

 

Kyungsoo frowns, shooting a quick look at Jongin still passed out on the couch a little worryingly. “Are you sure? I can let him rest if he’s free today.”

 

“He has a meeting at noon, and if you let him be he would probably end up waking up at four. Have him send you to work. I hope you have a great day today, Kyungsoo.”

 

“Wait—”Kyungsoo wants to protest but the line has already gone off. He stares at his phone before eyeing Jongin hesitantly.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo made them both light breakfast, since he doesn’t have much in the kitchen for now. Also, he’s kind of running a little late for clock-in by the time Jongin finishes washing up, although he did not make this obvious. 

 

Jongin gets the hint anyways.

 

“Why did you move to the couch?” Kyungsoo asks, his tone genuinely curious, but also worried. They’re at a traffic light, the streets in the morning busy.

 

Jongin feigns cool, trying not to blush as he turns the corner, eyes on the road. He’s just about to answer when Kyungsoo interrupts him.

 

“I’m- I’m sorry. Maybe you were uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have asked…”

 

“It’s not that. I just got warmer so I moved out.”

 

“Oh,” Kyungsoo offers. “I thought it was really cold last night…”

 

It was cold, but Kyungsoo doesn’t have to know that, and he especially doesn’t have to know that Jongin moved solely because their intimate hug gave him vivid memories of something that Jongin should remember, but did not prefer.

 

-

 

Once outside the salon, Kyungsoo unbuckles his seatbelt and reaches for the door. He hesitates for one second, facing Jongin but not looking at him.

 

It’s… The air is strange. Both of them are not sure what to say. They’re left in a standstill, merely looking anywhere but at each other. Jongin… is supposed to say something at this point, no? What should he say…

 

“Um,” It’s Kyungsoo. It’s always Kyungsoo who takes the initiative. “Thanks for the lift.”

 

Jongin only manages a nod. Another passing silence, but soon Kyungsoo opens the door and steps out, bowing at Jongin through the partially-tinted window to express his gratitude before bashfully being on his way. 

 

Jongin has yet to drive out of the parkway, his grip tight at the steering wheel and belatedly musing to himself about the words stuck in his throat.

 

-

 

“Dropped off Kyungsoo?”

 

“I’m not in the mood,” Jongin sighs out, walking by Junmyeon’s side being led to the elevators. 

 

“When have you ever been anyways,” Junmyeon remarks off-handedly as he pushes the up button. “And please charge your damn phone. I had a passing thought that you might have gotten into a car accident last night.”

 

He hears the worry in his manager’s voice, although it’s mostly annoyance. 

 

“How’s Kyungsoo?” Junmyeon then asks.

 

“…Pregnant.”

 

“I’m nosey. Got it.”

 

“He’s fine.” Jongin bites out eventually. 

 

“I thought you went there for a brief visit.” His manager wonders out loud. “Kyungsoo made you stay?”

 

The elevator dings, doors opening and they let the occupants walk out before going inside. Jongin presses the 7th floor.

 

“I wanted to stay.”

 

-

 

The heavy atmosphere inside the meeting room used to faze Jongin. 

 

One of the senior managers slides her laptop to Jongin, prompting for his attention to what is being displayed on the screen.

 

A photo. A salon. Kyungsoo.

 

They are not scolding him, nor are they criticizing. They request for an explanation. Jongin obliges. He is then given his first warning. Be more careful, they said. Apparently they have taken measures to make sure the photo and other documentations of any kind in regards to the incident be wiped off from the internet. We did a lot for you.

 

Four years. Four years left on his contract. Until then, there’s not much he can do except to abide by his contract terms. Most of the bans had been lifted in the years that went by. Dating, cellphone possession, driving. He’s been granted more freedom to do things than in his pre-debut and rookie days. 

 

It’s not enough freedom, obviously.

 

“Do I not get a tour?” Jongin finds himself asking. “Pretty sure I can handle a tour and a movie filming.”

 

The senior managers share a look with each other, and it’s more than enough of an answer. “We’re considering a lot of things.”

 

Jongin suppresses the urge to scoff. “Of course.”

 

“And, if it’s possible, we would like you to come again to see us,” They point at a person in the given photo, still on display. “With him.”

 

Frowning, Jongin sits up. “What for?”

 

“There’s only so much we can discuss about without including the person involved.”

 

“Is it necessary? Kyungsoo- he might be busy with his own work.” Jongin doesn’t want to put more stress on the elder male. 

 

“Then have him come in the weekend. We’ll be sure to clear our schedule for him.”

 

Jongin cannot argue further, so he reluctantly agrees to bring Kyungsoo with him. 

 

The meeting doesn’t end there. They show him several magazine photoshoot proposals afterwards, and a fashion event appearance. Perhaps Jongin will not be as jobless as he thought he would be. 

 

.

 

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.

 

Baekhyun received a call and immediately sobered up.

 

The night was still kind of young. It made sense. It made perfect sense that people would disappear while the party was still ongoing. Baekhyun had not been paying attention, and he probably should have. He should have noticed that the table he was seated at were now void of people, and the crowd was less thicker compared to when the prize giving ceremony took place. 

 

, he really should have paid more attention.

 

There weren’t a lot of washrooms on the ground floor. It took him no more than 10 minutes to find his best friend. He was on the floor, and he had the nerve to chuckle while Baekhyun worried his off over him. I can’t stand, Kyungsoo had said, a painful smile on his lips. Everything kind of hurts.

 

-

 

“Man, I know is good and all but you gotta be careful too.”

 

Baekhyun was putting cream on some of the bruises on his knees and scratch marks on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, grimacing. Kyungsoo was quiet but he did let out a couple of grunts and gasps when Baekhyun nursed him. 

 

After bringing his friend back to their shared room, Kyungsoo protested the moment Baekhyun offered to help bathe him. It took the elder at least a whole 30 minutes in there, and by the time he came out, he still looked a little pale. They were about to sleep when Baekhyun’s knee accidentally knocked into Kyungsoo’s but instead of a getting playful slap he heard a genuine, painfully sounding whimper. Baekhyun quickly the lights again and made Kyungsoo strip bare. That was when he came to know it was worse than he expected.

 

“Don’t we need to go to a hospital or something?”

 

“Don’t be silly, Baekhyun.”

 

“I’m being dead serious. What kind of without properly stretching you out?”

 

“He was drunk…” Kyungsoo murmurs, obviously trying to justify the person that had taken him.

 

“Are you sure it was consensual?” Kyungsoo weakly nodded his head, and Baekhyun sighed. “You know you can tell me the truth, right? You had it bad back there. I know injuries is a thing but this is the first time I’m seeing it.” Baekhyun says, wincing at the tear at Kyungsoo’s rim, still looking somewhat fresh. It must have bled at some point. When he returned to look at the younger male, it seems the latter was hiding his face in his pillow. 

 

Baekhyun worried, biting at his lower lip. “I’m gonna ask you again, Kyungsoo.” He tries again, his voice soft and hopefully encouraging enough. “Did this person force himself on you?”

 

Kyungsoo stayed silent for some seconds, not letting his face show. Baekhyun did not mind waiting for Kyungsoo to be ready to answer. Amidst the silence, he continued nursing his best friend, noticing how the latter trembled every time Baekhyun touched his still swollen muscles around his opening. That might take a while to completely heal. 

 

Kyungsoo sniffled. “I let him…”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I said I let him.”

 

Baekhyun stared at him some. “Okay. I’ll take your word for it.” He got up and pulled the sheets over Kyungsoo’s body. He wasn’t crying, so Baekhyun thought that was a good sign, although he was being awfully quiet.

 

“Was it a random stranger?” Baekhyun speculated otherwise, because if it was, he believed it wouldn’t have made Kyungsoo this closed off. “Or someone you know?”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t answer. Baekhyun no longer pried on him, wanting to let him rest before their flight back to Seoul in the morning later. He thought that maybe Kyungsoo had fallen asleep but that wasn’t the case when he heard a quiet mumble.

 

“Is it stealing if someone let it happen?”

 

Baekhyun frowned. “What are you talking about?”

 

“This person… I had let this person take from me, again,” Kyungsoo’s voice was small, his lithe form curling on the bed in a foetal position. “And he… he probably never realized.”

 

Baekhyun, noticing the insecurity in his voice, slipped underneath the duvet and closed in on Kyungsoo. “Do you think it’s stealing?”

 

There was a small pause before his friend shook his head. “No…”

 

“Then doesn’t that mean you’re a giver? I don’t really know the context, but I do know you’ve always been a giver.” 

 

It didn’t seem to alleviate the smaller male’s worries. So Baekhyun let out a little sigh, turned off the lights and snuggled closer, and rubbed Kyungsoo’s shoulder comfortingly. “What did this person take from you?”

 

There was no verbal answer, but the hand clutching on the left side of his chest and the pink dusting the tips of Kyungsoo’s ears gave away the fact that the person was no random stranger, and perhaps much more. 

 

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