h y u k j a e

This is foolish, I think. But at the same time, I know I need it. That's why I'm here waiting at the cafe. My cafe.

What am I going to say later? There's no way I can just say it out straight—"I think I'm interested in a fan!"—no. Something needs to be said to get it to that point.

I knock my head on the desk. Yes. I think I'm interested in a fan. That's a thing.

I think of how my heart has actually gotten to this point. I mean, taking interest in a fan isn't something to be ashamed of, out of thousands of them out there there's bound to be someone who just fits my type, right? Although, there are also bastards who regularly hop from fan to fan, or even sleep with them no strings attached. Now that's kinda horrible, in my opinion, although it's completely in their right to do so as long as there's mutual consent, but—it's just unethical, I think.

But, that aside. Really, what has happened in my life so I turn out like this? To the point where I've taken interest in a fan this much? This has never happened before. I don't just want to sleep with him or just think he's attractive. I want to know more about him. I want to know what food he likes, what he does in his spare time, his favorite color, if he prefers dawn or sunset. It's sappy and gross. This is how deep I am in this crap. Love is something I seek—it's not like I'm trying to avoid love like some other people—but it just has to be a fan? Do I not socialize enough so I really can't find anyone like this out there?

Actually, the reasonable part of my brain speaks up. Yeah, Lee Hyukjae, you really don't socialize enough. You never go clubbing. You never go to parties.

Uh, yeah, no. Being alone is awesome and underrated.

Besides, what can I do? They keep shoving me pretty girls in my face. They don't know that I'm not interested in girls, and I don't want to let them know either. The only people who know are my manager, my sister, and of course, the person I'm waiting for right now. My only close friend who I trust in this snake-filled industry. Obviously, I have other friends from variety shows and stuff, but those friends don't know any of my secrets. This guy is the only one so far.

They always say they pity me, or that they think it's sad that I only have exactly one (1) friend in the industry, but I'm content with this. The fewer people who know, the less likely it's gonna spread anyway. I'm fine where I am.

I'm... good.

...am I?

Or is just that I'm lonely? Is that it? Is that why I got so defenseless and tactless during that fansign, so much that I wrote what I wrote on his album? Is it just because he happens to be attractive, talented, and very much in love with me as he has confessed?

. If that's true, that'd just make me a horrible person. I'll be no different than the bastards who sleep with a different fan every other night. What a lowlife—

Smack. A menu hit me square on the crown. The is here, crass as always in his way of greeting.

I lift my head and sure enough, he's standing across of me. My supposed "counterpart", as the company put it: vocal idol Cho Kyuhyun. My archenemy but also my best friend, although sometimes I wonder why. The fact that we trained and debuted together and even originally planned to be a package has a large part on it, sure, but the fact stands that I've strangely never found anyone as trustworthy as him.

Which is regrettable, because he's annoying as and I hate him.

"Wakey-wakey, Eunhyuk-ie," he says in a sing-song voice. He wants a reaction from me, which I'm not going to give for his satisfaction. I can't think of a witty comeback for the life of me, though. Maybe the blow really did a dent on my brain, or maybe it's still occupied by my previous train of thought. I'm not capable of thinking about anything else.

Then I'll just say out my previous train of thought. "Yah, do you think I'm a bad person?"

Through his glower, I can tell he's annoyed that I'm not giving him the reaction he wants, to which I mentally rejoice. He pulls out his chair and plops down with a thud. "Depends. Give me context."

I open my mouth, but then our waitress comes to take his order, so I wait until he's done ordering. But he purposefully takes his sweet time, and by the time he finishes, the moment for anything witty has passed.

Smart brat.

"Sorry, what was that?" he asks with blinking eyes. Good Lord.

"Listen," I say through gritted teeth and decide to just tell him the story right then, or else we're never getting anything done.

I tell him. I tell him about my fansite of five years, Silver Rain, and the man behind it. I tell him about the man named Lee Donghae.

I tell him about the closure. I tell him how much I felt hurt when it happened. I tell him about the reason behind the closure, which I eventually learned.

I tell him about how my heart fluttered when I saw him. I tell him about how the sound of his laugh lingered in my eardrums. I tell him about how no one has ever made me feel like this after just one conversation. I tell him—

"Geez, spare me the sappy stuff, Hyukjae."

His words return me from the realm of Lee Donghae, and I realize I just gushed so disgustingly about a fan to Cho Kyuhyun. My face starts to burn.

"Sorry," I mutter. Then I also realize that it was the first time Kyuhyun has spoken since I started telling the Thing. Which means he has been listening intently after all. That's a relief, that he caught the hint about how important this is.

He only exhales, though. "So what do you expect from me? After telling this whole thing?"

I look pointedly at Kyuhyun's fancy chocolate drink, which arrived during my lengthy ramble. That one is his payment. The brat only becomes willing to be ordered around when there's money involved. "It's on the house."

"You always pay when I'm here anyway. Get me meat instead."

I give him a glare, but I'm desperate. "Fine. Fine! Whatever you want, Cho. Give me advice."

He looks surprised. Because I'm yielding so fast. But like I said, I'm desperate.

"Okay," he shrugs and takes a sip of his chocolate, popping off the straw with a click of his tongue. "So okay. He actually told you he loves you?"

"Yeah, at the fansign."

"It's not just, you know, like all the girls too, they say they love you but—"

"No, no, actually. He told me in this roundabout way, you know? He was—he was telling this story about how he fell in love with someone. A nameless someone. But that person is definitely me, from his description—" I see that Kyuhyun is opening his mouth, so I stop him with a hand. "Before you say anything, he even said stuff about how he used to follow this "person" around and take pictures of him, so there's no doubt. He told me he stopped the fansite because he was afraid to fall in—um, for me too much. Kyu, that's the most precious thing I've ever—"

"Yeah. Yeah. You told me already. I get it." Kyuhyun sighs in exasperation. "Okay, so. It's a fansign, right? What about you? What did you say to him?"

"Halfway through his story I already know that it's about me, right," I start to explain. The next part is embarrassing and he'll definitely curse at me for it, but I deserve it, so whatever. "Then I—I—I sorta got... too giddy and got carried away."

"Giddy?" Kyuhyun asks, his eyes already judging me. I look away. "Explain. Explain, Hyukjae."

"I... may have told him I thought he's good-looking and talented and—"

"Jesus—"

"No, wait! Wait. That's all. Then I sobered up and gave him a really cool advice."

"Which is?"

"Something like, "you deserve someone who is perfect for you and treats you well". So cool, right?" I put a hand over my heart for show, but it only makes me realize how nervous and embarrassed I am through my heartbeat.

"No, no, Hyukjae, you totally mean something else by that, don't you?"

"No, I don't, Cho." Yes I do. This guy understands me better than anyone outside my family, and yes, of course he knows that I totally do mean something else by that. But I have pride to keep.

"Okay, whatever, then what else did you do?"

I shrug. "Nothing."

Kyuhyun squints. "At fansigns, you interact in more ways than just talking."

He's about to hit jackpot. I sweat even more. My fingers drum against the table.

Kyuhyun then starts relentlessly attacking me. "Okay. Hands. Did you hold his hand?"

I shrug again. "I hold everyone's hands."

"Lee Hyukjae, I already took time out of—"

"Fine, yes I did. What else do you want to know?"

Now, it's Kyuhyun who shrugs. "It's a fansign. You sign."

My hands are clammy. "Yes, and?"

"What did you sign for him?"

God. Why does Kyuhyun have to be so ing clever? He actually hit the jackpot that easily. I don't immediately say anything, which only serves as further proof to him that there's something here.

He knows this, too. "Quote it to me word by word, Hyuk."

I bite my lower lip so hard it's practically almost bleeding. But there's no escaping this. I have to say it out.

So I do.

d o n g h a e

"And I quote this word by word," I say to the headset microphone, "To, Lee Donghae. I've missed you. From, Hyukjae, who will always search for you."

There's nothing from the other line for several seconds, then a loud crash. And a thud.

"Minjae—"

"LEE DONGHAE OH MY GOD."

"Minjae, what did you break, oh my god—"

"SHUT UP. SHUT UP, DONGHAE! —oof. I'm bleeding. Wait."

Jesus Christ, Minjae. She's insane. What the heck just happened? I'm laughing so hard I almost roll off the couch I'm lying down on.

Some minutes later, she returns to her phone. "Okay, I'm back."

"What happened? Are you okay?" I ask with a chuckle.

"Dropped a glass on the floor and the shards grazed my feet. I'm fine, just bleeding."

That is not what I call fine, I'm about to say, but Minjae already starts speaking before I do.

"Donghae, Donghae. God. This is like, stuff you see in dramas. Stuff like this just doesn't happen, Donghae! What is this!"

"Apparently," I shrug even though Minjae can't see it, "it happens."

"I'm so happy for you, Donghae," she coos.

She's happy for me, she said. My tongue prods my inner cheeks.

I don't know if I feel the same. I mean. I do feel happy, kinda. But.

"Don't build my hype too much, please. Nothing is set in stone yet."

"Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's true, but still."

I glance at my coffee table. The album is still on there, sitting so cozily. The album.

Some days have passed since, but I still can't really believe it happened. That album serves as the sole evidence of it all, but it still feels like a dream—like on that one day of the fansign, someone who is not Lee Donghae took over my body but I retained his memories. That day is like a fiction I inserted myself into. It hasn't really sunk in that I actually talked to Lee Hyukjae—Eunhyuk—and basically confessed my love for him, and I have barely even registered the fact that he replied with that thing on the album.

I want to like this as much as she does, but I can't really feel anything. How can I when I'm still not convinced it actually happened? Maybe that's also why I'm calling Minjae—to make it seem more real. It seems more real once you've told people about it. But something of this scale... I think nothing can ever truly make it feel real.

"I wish I'm in Korea right now," says Minjae.

My hands play with my headset cord. I'm not sure how to answer that. 'Me too'? But I don't. Phone is nice, I can sort of fake my excitement for her like this. I wouldn't be able to do it in person.

I reply with a joke instead. "Why? You earn dirt here compared to what you earn there."

"You missed the point. Also, dirt is a bit of an exaggeration, I earn okay back home."

Minjae works, true to her character, as a freelance tour guide and director. Usually, she prefers guiding tours in Korea, but sometimes when she really could use the money she would also direct overseas tours like this. Her strict time management and straight-to-business attitude has given her good enough reputation to earn a more than stable living even without traveling overseas often, enough to fund her fan activities.

To think that we were both only college students who loved photography and Hyukjae when we first met. I've said this before, but it's really touching, she and I.

"You're quiet, are you being sentimental again?"

I blush. "Shut up, you know me."

"How do you always find something in everything to be sentimental about—"

"Anyway," I press on. "Back to the topic."

"The topic of how I definitely would treat you to a nice dinner if I were in Korea right now?"

Oh, so that's what she was implying.

I can't help but smile. We treat each other so much but it still feels so nice each time, especially with how eager she is about it.

"Thanks, but one, you always do after overseas jobs anyway and two, no, I mean the other one. The big one. The one that starts with Hyuk and ends with Jae."

As I finish talking, Minjae also finishes yawning. She must be tired. It's generous enough of her to make time to call me like this when I know she has a thousand things to do and worry about as a tour director. I can't take this for granted.

"Right. Right. So what do you wanna do next?"

Next? The mere thought of next hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm still in space! My feet haven't even touched the ground!

She keeps talking, not aware of the raging winds and waves hitting the shores of my psyche. "You're good to do more drastic things, I think."

"N-Next?" is all I can say.

Minjae almost sounds offended. "Of course! You have to keep the momentum going, or this will all be for naught."

She has a point. I sink back even further into the couch. There's no time to waste in this haze. I have to keep moving.

There's... excitement there, definitely, yeah. Of course there is. But there's also the thought of pushing me further and further out of my comfort zone. This is already uncomfortable enough as it is. Something about it seeming so unreal is making me afraid that I've sunk myself to deep into a fantasy, and when I get attached, I get attached hard.

Every step forward is a gamble. Stepping forward is nice, but it puts more chips of my heart and emotions on the table, which means I will lose more devastating amounts if the game turns out to be a bust.

I think about having to feel like this for the next interaction, and the next, and the next, and the next. If they ever happen, that is. This feeling, happening each time.

This... isn't going to be easy, isn't it?

 h y u k j a e

Kyuhyun yelled at me.

I deserved it, really. My dumb ego did put forward an argument, but what he was spouting was all truth and I also know he meant well by it.

"Think this over, Hyukjae," Kyuhyun had said after I told him how I treated Donghae at the fansign. "You know how fatal your secret is."

Part of me wanted to scream at him: Donghae is not that kind of person. He wouldn't want to ruin my reputation like that. And I did tell him that at some point in our heated back-and-forth, but only for myself to realize how little I actually know about Donghae. I know next to nothing, yet there I was about to just trust him with a potentially career-breaking secret after one conversation. That was, admittedly, stupid. He even accused me of being drunk at some point, which made me realize I thought up something that stupid while completely sober. An embarrassment to us all.

Kyuhyun was right. My secret is fatal. Once the word goes out that I'm interested in men, it's over for me. It doesn't have to be a scandal, rumors of it is enough to bulldoze anything I have worked so hard to get. I don't even trust fellow gay idols about this. What made me think pursuing a relationship with a male fan and consequently telling him about my uality was a good idea?

It's dangerous. Fans leave. All the time. That's the scary thing about having fans, is that they are most likely going to leave at some point. And there's no fool-proof guarantee that this Lee Donghae is of the minority that wouldn't, no matter how much time or money he has devoted to me. Even fansites close and move on. That's just life. And when he does leave, what will he do with this secret of mine? Again, there is no guarantee that he is of the kind-hearted minority that would just keep this secret when he has so much to gain by spilling it and nothing to lose.

It's only one conversation, I persuade myself. Don't go ahead and let yourself think that you're letting your soulmate slip by or something.

I'm not a hundred percent sure of how I feel about him yet, but he is intriguing, yes. At this point, it's still just an interest. I'm a little embarrassed by how worked up I got about him the other day because after I let it sit for a few days, the hype did die down a little. I can think more rationally about this now.

Kyuhyun surprisingly took it really well, though. He didn't judge me for liking him or anything. He just didn't want me to get into trouble by putting my foot where I shouldn't have. Biting off more than I can chew. Getting ahead of myself. Whatever dumb I was doing.

"Unless," he had said then, "you know this guy like you know yourself and you trust him with your whole mothering life, don't even try to do anything."

That's where the discussion got interesting.

I took an experimental step further and asked: "Given the circumstances, do you think I'll ever arrive at a point where I know him like I know myself and I trust him with my whole mothering life?"

I expected ridicule.

Which he didn't give. Kyuhyun is, to his core, never predictable.

"Look if you really wanna do this," he had said after an especially long inhale, "you gotta know your strategy. Listen. Because I know you have zero strategy skills, and judging from my gaming ranks, I have plenty."

I didn't want him to be right about the strategy thing, because hey—I direct concerts. Isn't that technically a strategy thing? But now I think that I'm only good at making things look nice. There's a reason why I rarely win games in variety shows. Meanwhile, he was right about the game thing. He's good at games. I'll give him that. That's the one thing he's good at other than singing and math.

So I sat like a nice little boy, perked my ears up and listened because I really do want to do this. Or more like, I am genuinely curious about him and if there is a way to progress... whatever this is without being too risky, I'm down to try.

"So. At this point, you're the one with more to lose here than him. In fact, he has really few things to lose. If he's really serious about this, he'll take another step, then another step, then another step."

My train of thought is interrupted by the car breaking to a smooth halt. I start to gather my things in practiced routine, double-checking to make sure I haven't left anything.

The manager opened my door as I slip on my sunglasses and I step out to the nauseatingly familiar sight of Incheon International Airport. I've been here so much it's like a second home, but in my head, it's always associated with tiring long flights and crazy schedules, so it's never achieved that status of comfort.

Across the road, I immediately see my pretty Jewels. Now that's a sight I won't be nauseated by seeing no matter how many times I see it.

Shutters immediately go off as I approach them. My eyes instinctively roam the sea of cameras to try to spot Silver Rain's lens. I stop it once I realize what I'm doing. Thankfully, I have these sunglasses so they don't see me unprofessionally search the crowd like in that concert again.

I respond to their enthusiasm to see me with my own very enthusiastic waves. None of it is faked. I am honestly always glad to see them at airports, especially when I know I'm gonna land in another country to another schedule-packed day. It's a super nice love shower and boost of morale. Also helps to keep my feet on the ground because I get reminded every time that none of what I get to do now would be possible without them.

My manager right behind me, I walk down the wide stretch of pathway Jewels have neatly formed for me. Again, this is nice. They know their boundaries. Jewels are always so inspiring. As I walk, some fans politely go down and offer their gifts for me. I take each and every one, trying to not miss any as always, and never forgetting to say thank you each time. One bag, thank you, two bags, thank you, three—

I slow down. I basically paused. There is another brown paper gift bag offered up ahead, and I know really well that that hand holding it certainly not a girl's. It is large and rough. Hand of a man. And it looks... familiar.

I'm so thankful for my sunglasses, or everyone else would be able to see how legitimately freaked out I am right now. I want to not look at him, but I have to thank him for the gift.

I look. My head turns ever so slowly, and I look at him. I look at Lee Donghae.

He's all covered up like how he was when he was in the line to go up at the fansign, mask and glasses and beret with fringe peeking out and all. He seems to be smiling, from what I see of his eyes, but not as wide as everyone else.

A new sight of Lee Donghae. I give myself three seconds to drink in the sight. In that time frame, he seems to have figured out that I recognize him. Then I smile, thank him, and move along.

Again, thank for these sunglasses because I totally cannot concentrate right now. I continue to take gifts and greet fans until I reach the end of the line. Then it's time for me to get in.

It's a blur after that. I check in and then I'm in the waiting lounge. My manager drops me my gift bags, as I usually like to look at them while waiting for the flight. My hands immediately go to that brown paper gift bag, but I quickly pull it away. I'm going to save that for the last.

I go through every gift and letter. My heart starts beating faster with each one because I'm getting closer and closer to the brown paper gift bag. But I try my best to keep focused on what I have in hand. These are equally as important.

My hands reach out to the second to last bag on the table. It's a really cute pair of mittens. I take some time to appreciate it.

Then it's time.

With ten minutes left before the flight, I finally grab the brown paper gift bag. Gently. My hands tremble slightly as I reach in.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm quite surprised. I don't know why I'm surprised, either. It's not like it's anything out of this world.

It's a book. Romeo and Juliet, to be exact.

I'm not much of a reader, and I guess I kind of assumed a fan would know that about me, which is maybe why I was surprised to find a book? It still feels a little strange. Maybe he loves this book so much that he wants me to read it.

I then realize that it's an unsealed copy, so I leaf through it just to see what it's about. Over the PA speakers, I hear the announcement for my flight to board.

And at the same exact time, a paper slips out of the book. It's a small, folded note on blue-colored binder paper. I pick it up, unfold it open—

I grin. It must look really stupid, but whatever. I'm grinning so widely at a public space.

I'm aware of my manager gathering my gift bags and walking to board the plane though, which is also cue for me to go. I carefully slip the note back into the book and put it in my bag before I pace down to get in the quickly thinning line for business class.

Once I'm on the plane, I swiftly take the book back out. With it, the note I slipped back in not three minutes ago. I take it out of the book and opened it again.

So you've missed me?

                       - Silver Rain

I find myself grinning again, which is less embarrassing now that I have some semblance of privacy. This is just... cute. This is a really cute thing to do and for some reason I just think it's just so him, even though I barely know him.

Another step. And another step. And another... I remember Kyuhyun's words. This is his step. I like it, it has spunk and this feeling of sass to it. It furthers my intrigue in him.

Then I get a thought. This is a question. Does he expect an answer? He probably does. How do I tell him his answer?

Another part of Kyuhyun's strategy comes to mind.

"Okay, you can still do things on your end. He's gonna take these steps, right? You have to plan it right so there's a balance of you acknowledging these steps that he's making and appreciating it, but it's also discreet enough and doesn't really, like, fling him up to the moon. Do it delicately."

I take a breath. Thank god this isn't a face to face thing like last time, or I would've lost my head again and did something stupid again. This time I actually still have time to think about what I'm gonna do.

The plane fills out and takes off, and not long after but also not soon enough, it lands in good ol' Haneda Airport. Immediately after I land, I get caught up in the whirl of interviews and meetings. Thought of Lee Donghae is professionally pushed to the back of my brain, but the book in my bag serves as a constant reminder that I have to do something.

And in the midst of the chaos that is overseas schedule, I figure out what I want to do. I text Kyuhyun about it, just making sure.

"You're like, the least delicate person on earth and I don't want you to grandiosely things up, so. If you're not sure of anything, text me. Just keep in mind that I want iced chocolate as a payment for each text."

iced chocolate. I'm not letting anything ruin this, not even myself nor my wallet.

Not five minutes later, because I'm the only one getting schedules in our cute little duo (he's actually just lazy), I get a reply.

Sounds fine to me
Iced chocolate +1

Sounds fine, he said. Well! This is so much easier when there's time to answer and a brainy dude to help me with it.

I return to my hotel room late in the night and immediately get to work. I take out the book, put it on the little table by the window and turn on the sensual orange lamps. It has to be perfect.

Once satisfied, I put filters on the photo of the book against the night Tokyo skyline. This is subtle enough, because if not for anything else, this will be disguised as my usual "update" post complete with a pretty picture. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing fishy—to the unsuspecting.

Finally, of course, I let it online on Instagram.

Now that I've done that business, time to rest. Before tucking in, I take one more look at the note. As if I haven't looked at it enough already.

So you've missed me?

Grinning again—it's unstoppable—I close the book and move to the bed.

eunhyukee44 こんばんは～ 東京のきれいな夜空^^
Yes. ☂

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4 MINUTES AGO・SEE TRANSLATION

I'm so happy I finally have time to write sdkfjhsd i hate college a lot ;~;

I know there are other stuff I should be writing but... um. This kinda just happened very, very quickly. I just know that I'm gonna go back to patch this one up a lot lmao but I hope everyone will enjoy! Finally we see what's going on on Hyukjae's end!

By the way, Hyuk's ig caption simply means "Good evening~ Beautiful Tokyo night sky ^^". Sorry, I always jump at any chance to use Japanese in fics lol

Thank you for reading as always and yes I do read each and every one of your comments! I'm always so grateful for your support.

Ask me things about my fics on my curiouscat or find me on twitter!