h y u k j a e

SILVER RAIN @silverain_lhj · 1h

CLOSE.

I blink. When I logged into my twitter account, I did not expect to see that tweet sitting atop my highlights at all.

Several seconds pass as I try to digest the tweet, even though it only has one word. I read it over and over, trying to make sense that Silver Rain has closed, and by the second a piece of my heart gets gnawed on. Really. I can actually feel something eating my heart bit by bit.

I scroll down to the replies and it is chaos. What looks like hundreds or thousands of people have all written mostly the same message.

"WHAT" is the most common reply, from what I've seen. I nod along in my heart. WHAT indeed.

The second most common reply is "omg masternim why? ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ" and I also nod along. This is truly totally unexpected, out of the blue, something no one ever thought would happen.

When a fansite closes, from what I've seen, people are actually positive about it. Even though an air of sadness buzzes, an omnipresent hum, but people usually leave replies of "you've worked hard! Take care!" or "thank you for your photos all this time masternim and I am going to miss you," something along those lines.

Silver Rain's closure is different, much different from everything that I've seen before, and not just from the replies. I click the fansite's profile picture—which is now pitch black—to see its timeline and I see a single cloud drive link containing hundreds of HD photos collected over the years, posted just minutes before the closure announcement. People were probably just going nuts over these photos, like they always did with Silver Rain's work—after all, it is the top followed Eunhyuk fansite—when the news dropped and it made everything more shocking. The photos are also different. They aren't tastefully edited like most previously released photos and all of them has a slight imperfection—a cloud of blur here and there, an unfocused body part, uncontrollable lens flare, some photos blinded by backlight. They look like rejects if compared to Silver Rain's usual impeccable photography. Considering even the watermarks are all in the same place, the only editing process they went through was probably just a simple mass editor, which is definitely not what Silver Rain usually does.

It's also weird because today's only the first day of the concert weekend and there are still two dates ahead. Most of the time, fansites don't close in the middle of a promotion period or tour, from my personal experience. They usually wait until it's all done, wait until the hype dies, then they wrap up everything and leave quietly.

Plus, Silver Rain was in the crowd just now. Aside from the photos he just released, I know he's there because I saw him.

I saw him sport his usual focused look, unbothered by the rabid crowd around him, and take pictures of me.

As always, I make the effort to look into his lens for one split second before sharing my attention to the rest of the crowd. And as always, I make the effort to go on twitter and check his handiwork after the concert, usually uploaded two or three hours after. He's always been a fast worker.

I always feel a pang of emptiness whenever a fansite closes because I know the most common reason: they have moved on to someone else. That's usually the case. Every time it happens I get thoughts—what did I not do right? Was I not enough for them? Did I not work hard enough? What did they find in someone else that I couldn't provide? I've been working like this for years, but these thoughts continue to plague my mind. Fans come and go all the time, but to see someone who has dedicated so much of their time and energy for you also moving on is a different sensation. A fansite's closure is just something you never get quite used to.

In Silver Rain's case, though, I am left more devastated than usual. I was always confident that even though people come and go, he would always be there, and it's a small comfort I normally turn to in the aftermath of anyone else leaving. Now that he is the one leaving, I don't think I have anyone else I can trust as much.

With the gap left in my heart, I put down my phone and move into the bathroom. The constant pressure of warm water droplets hitting my head in the shower usually fills my ideas with ideas and inspiration, but I keep thinking about how weird it is going to be from now on not needing to spot him in the crowd and point at the lens that has always been there since the beginnings of my career.

d o n g h a e 

I convince myself I made the right call. Or at least, I try. I'm not really sure, actually, but it's already happened, so there's no way to take it back now anyway.

I released all the leftover photos—it's the least I can do, as a little compensation gift to all the Jewels. I actually feel a little sorry for doing this when they're all so excited for my photos during concert weekend, but I had to leave before it's too late. Taking photos today felt like a burden and the only thing I could think of on my way home earlier was how I'm gonna be free of this shackle very soon. I then became aware of how impatient I was and decided to just end it all tonight, no matter how rash and confusing it may be.

Now that all the photos have been safely backed up I can safely delete them, for my own well-being. I delete them all leaving nothing left, my drive finally squeaky clean of the traces that is Lee Hyukjae.

I wish deleting someone off my heart is as easy.

I set all my gadgets aside and snuggle deeper into my blanket. At least now I no longer have to deal with Hyukjae pointing to my lens and the way my heart burns each time, not anymore. I can just live my life like normal, work like normal, find someone normal to love—someone who is not an idol I can never reach.