d o n g h a e

I'm stupid.

To be fair, last night I was super emotional, okay? I couldn't even think straight (ha) enough to make decisions alone, how was I gonna pay attention to little things?

Okay, you know what, nevermind that lousy excuse. Everyone around me calls me stupid anyway. I'm about 90% ready to accept that as fact now.

Minjae scored an excellent offer for my ticket last night. It was at seating's front row. I accepted it anyway, thinking it'd be nice if I don't have to deal with anyone annoying in front of me, plus hey. I'm still putting some money into this, the least I can try is get a decent view. Even though I don't really want to look at Hyukjae all that much, but.

Here's my stupidity.

I completely forgot Hyukjae is going to ride a trolley around the stadium during the concert.

And from the looks of it... he'll be right here. In front of my ing face. Closer than ever.

I've sent Minjae chats— did you set me up? Is this your idea?—but she isn't replying. As to be expected, of course. Things have got to be pretty hectic on her end. If she isn't answering my chats, there's no point in calling.

. ! This lightstick is heavy enough. I'm gonna smack myself in the head. Maybe I can forget all about my dumb feelings and enjoy the concert I spent money on. Or I can smack Hyukjae. Make him hate me. Make me hate him. Move on. The end.

More people trickle into the stadium and I find myself frantically googling: how to stop loving idols in five minutes.

h y u k j a e

I think I'm doing a good job so far...? I don't know. I try to not look as restless as yesterday. Aside from being much more well-rested, part of the reason why I'm much brighter today is the really awesome fan support backstage—a bunch of balloons knotted together to look like me, some cute strawberry cakes, and really delicious fusion food. It was some really funky tasting but super nice ramen? I applaud whoever came up with that for fan support. Like, really. Gotta track that dish down.

The fan project today is hilarious, too. They held up banners during Still You which say "Yeah, you're still a monkey." How cute is that? I cracked up really bad, not my fault my fans are crazy. The ment after that was probably one of the funniest ones I've ever done. Jewels really are the best.

The disappointment I felt when searching the nearest rows and still not finding Silver Rain is still real though. I mean. I did do something last night. Guess it didn't work.

The concert enters the sappy half of it. I watch my step as I get on the trolley, and it moves soon after. Like yesterday, I also scan the seats, although I'm trying to not be too obvious—

Oh my god.

I—I'm. I'm at a loss for words.

Literally, I think as I nearly miss my next line. Thankfully, the instrumental interlude comes after where I can stop worrying about that and just greet the fans.

Greet him too, this time. Because he's there. In the front seating row. With the same eyes and jaw I remember. His hair is pulled into a beanie with his fringe peeking out. Instead of the camera I'm used to seeing him sport, he has only my signature gem light stick in his hands, which he is waving along the beat calmly.

I'm still pretty far away from him right now, but I think he's noticed how I'm looking at him and just him. And with that, I become aware of it, too. I divert my attention to greet everyone like I usually do, feeling my ears heat up.

As I get closer to him I get jittery. How do I express to him how thankful I am that he's here? I'm at expressing my feelings and I regret that so much whenever something like this happens. I smile as sincerely as I can, but I feel like it's not enough. I should do something.

But time won't stop for me to think and neither will this trolley, and too soon I am face to face with him. He has stopped waving his light stick, his expression unreadable in my panic. His mouth is gaping open and his eyes follow me like a spotlight.

Reflexively I lift up a hand to point at him, which makes me realize again that he doesn't have with him his lens that I usually point at. My fingers uncurl and that's how it hangs there in the air, awkwardly, a frozen moment in the supposed smooth flow of my concert.

The trolley keeps moving. He is starting to reach the corner of my vision. I really have to—I have to—

My thoughts don't rearrange themselves in time and all I end up doing is a small, desperate wave of my hand, shy and awkward and out of character. The shame and stupidity of it burn my ears. It's painful enough to look at him again so I break eye contact, attempting to continue on with the concert like nothing happened.

But me being a fool, I dare myself to turn my head, to catch a last glimpse of him even though it's going to be so noticeable to everyone else that I'm not sharing my attention with them, and—

My breath hitches at the sight. He is doubled over in his seat laughing. His smile spreads all over his face, lights it up, and even under the harsh lights that shine for me, he seems aglow.

There's always something about seeing other people laughing like that that makes you happy too, but there's something different about it this time. I don't get time to think about that anymore though, because not a moment later he turns to me again. He catches my eyes and I catch his. Then his lips close and it curls up, and up, and up and up to a sincere smile that tells even more through his eyes.

I was going to smile back but I find that I'm already smiling. It's a weird experience.

I turn away from him for good this time, finally obeying the desperate screams of the professional idol in me. He isn't in the field of my physical vision anymore, but the image of his warm smile lingers behind my eyes, like it is traced onto my retina.

I blush. I know what I'm thinking about. Even objectively thinking, one would think he is attractive. It's not new information to me, having seen him regularly for quite a while, but they say people are at their most attractive when they look the happiest. They are right.

My thoughts drift back to it more than twice for the rest of the concert, bringing with it a strange burn in my chest, which I try to not think about.

d o n g h a e

I mean.

What was I supposed to do? Hyukjae was—

He was just... too cute.

It was hard to resist laughing, but it's not like I was trying, anyway. Hyukjae looked so lost and nervous. It's like he's just debuted all over again. What's with that pathetic wave? It's adorable and I can't stop smiling.

He turns his back to me finally, ending our little interaction. Which also makes me realize: I just had an interaction. With Lee Hyukjae. And not a short one.

My face burns. I... did he really just spend the entire time gliding along my section interacting with me? He even turned his head to me one more time. And before it all happened, I also caught him looking at my general direction from several sections over, although back then I wasn't so sure if it was really me he's looking at. But after that interaction...

I bury my face in my hands. All the thoughts and questions come rushing into my brain, the dam of my euphoria broken. What was up with him? The most he gave me even as a fansite was just a pointing finger to my lens. What's with the wave? The turn of the head? Why did he decide to interact with me that much?

I begin to recall images, too—of when the trolley began to enter my section and I realized he really had his eyes on me. Hyukjae's smile back then was so—it was just so wide and happy, like a child spotting candy. It may be a smile I've seen before, but my heart pounded harder than ever, almost choking my throat. At that point, my body was really just frozen and I couldn't do anything other than look at him. My light stick-holding hand wasn't even moving.

More images—of his confused expression as his hand hung in the air midway to his usual point gesture, for some reason choosing to not go through with it. Of the contrast of Hyukjae's red face against his pale skin after he did that wave. Of him looking away, and of him turning his head back to me again, of the final smile he gave me. The smile that seemed less like a simple happy goodbye to a closing fansite and just more of something else. Something unknown to me.

What the hell, Lee Hyukjae?

For one more time tonight I really feel my heart is about to explode, like really. Something's different knowing that I am the likely cause of that smile, that nervousness, all of it. The always triumphing pessimist side of me is also fighting its best though, arguing that 1) maybe it's not you, maybe it's the girl next to you and 2) the gestures aren't all that special. And even if it is you and the gestures really are special, don't just assume whatever you want to assume. You seriously thought there is a chance Hyukjae would return your feelings? Why would Hyukjae want a piece of you when he has literally everyone else to choose from?

It's like my thoughts are the rapid currents dragging my brain along with it, but the path forks and I am stuck right there in the middle. On one hand, Hyukjae is Eunhyuk, the rising dance idol of this decade, probably not even gay, and I am just a mere... but on one hand, he also did—

Still drowning in thoughts, I don't realize the concert has ended until the stadium's lights turn on and jolt me awake with their brightness. I look around and people around me have also mostly left their seats. My thoughtful look must have been jarring to everyone else's joy, because I see some people looking at me worriedly.

Disconcerted, I fumble around my bag before finding my phone. I was going to text Minjae but it turns out she sent me a text already. Minjae being Minjae, of course she ignored the texts I sent before the concert.

Minjae
I left asap because everyone is annoying ㅎㅎ
Meet you at the parking lot
Otherwise they're definitely gonna sniff their noses at us
Take cover, they're looking for you

I sigh and rub my forehead. This is what I mean by nosier than Dispatch... as if there isn't already enough drama with everyone else or even with fellow Jewels. Hyukjae actually keeps a very close eye on Jewels and always reprimands us if anything bad happens, but drama among fansites is something he would never have heard of. They only keep it in their group chats, after all. I say "they", because I don't involve myself in that pile of dung. It's only the bad apples who do this, but when they do it it's super annoying.

I pull my beanie lower to cover most of my head and put on glasses. I walk a fast pace to the parking lot and sure enough, Minjae is already there at the portal. I tug her wrist and pull her into the nice corner my car is parked at.

We get into the car, her seating shotgun, and like always she doesn't waste time to get down to business. "Can you believe they've been bothering me the whole concert asking about you? How annoying. As if they have to know everything that's happening in this world."

The laugh I let out is awkward. "Sorry," I say quietly, opting to focus on getting the car out of here soon before the line out gets too long. I hate that I'm causing this unnecessary mess to her, no matter how unavoidable it is.

"Not your fault. Whatever. them, they weren't even all that close to you. They're just looking for gossip fodder. Disgusting."

I hear the click of a camera switch followed by harsh pressing of buttons. She seems really pissed... I outstretch a hand her way and rub her shoulders, which she accepts gratefully.

Minjae sighs before moving on to another topic. "So? How about you?"

A lump forms in my throat and I try to swallow it but it just won't go down. "Uh. Well."

"Enjoyed it?"

"Yeah."

"Oooookay. Then?"

I tap my thumb against the wheel. To be honest, I just don't know where to begin. Very little happened, but at the same time, too much happened.

We're still in the lengthy queue to get out of the venue, so I decide to just tell the story without too much thinking before I have to split my concentration to the road making it more incoherent.

"I'm confused," I begin by presenting my problem.

"You always are. Elaborate."

I glare at her, which she doesn't notice because she's too busy taking preview photos with her phone. Or maybe she did notice, seeing as she's smiling. .

I'm back in serious mode, though. "I don't know what Hyukjae wants from me."

"Crap, we're at that point already? You sure you're still talking about the concert?"

Finally, I tell her the story that I have committed to my brain, trying my best to not miss any detail. She only responds in hums or quiet "oh"s, but I know she's really into my story judging by how she has put down her phone already.

"Then he turns around and that's it," I close the story. "If there's anything he did after, I didn't notice because I completely zoned out the whole time after that. Don't blame me."

"Donghae."

I don't reply, I just sigh. It's our turn to get on the road so I pay more attention to driving.

"Donghae."

"Yeah?"

"I'm—like—I don't wanna be a delulu here, but—"

"I know right!?" I press my foot on the gas a little too hard, making Minjae yelp. Oops. "Sorry. Me neither. That's the hardest part. What the just happened, Minjae? What am I supposed to do? You're the calm one. Help me."

Minjae audibly ponders. "Should I burst your bubble or let it float?"

"Pop me out of here, please."

"Okay, um. It could be just a gesture of appreciation. Y'know. You have been here for quite a while. Take nice photos, too. Or he wants you to come back to fansiting."

I thought the same thing. But the more I think about it and look back on the images, everything, the more it just seems less likely. "You really think so?" I try her.

She huffs and throws her hands in the air. "Actually, no. Wow, this is hard. Sorry, Donghae."

I lean my head against the window in defeat, thinking that if even Minjae can't think her way out of this one, it's a real mess I've gotten into. We spend a lot of the ride to Minjae's place in silence. She's back to taking preview photos, and I'm just thinking.

Every time I think about it, I come to only one logical conclusion and that is that Hyukjae has an interest in me, and it's suffocating because all the warnings in my head go off with that thought. He would never. Would he ever? There's no way to know for certain. I can't just approach him and talk to him about it. Even if I go see him at events again, there's no guarantee anything else would happen. If nothing ends up happening when I've gotten my hopes up that much, wouldn't it be too heartbreaking? Even worse is if I get too brave and end up embarrassing myself, or making him disgust me, or—

Bile rises up my throat just thinking about all the possibilities.

But... let's say he actually is interested in me. If I leave him for good, I would regret everything that could have happened. It's a regret I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I will live without ever getting a real conclusion from Hyukjae. Granted, it's a much lighter regret than the regret of ever making Hyukjae disgust me, but... that ending is completely avoidable if I don't do anything stupid.

Heck, I probably won't be able to leave him for good anyway. I know that a part of my heart will always long for him. If he doesn't want me, fine. At least that part of my heart gets the answer it should get, and it would help me move on.

My car rolls up in front of Minjae's apartment block. She quietly packs her camera but at a slower pace than usual, also glancing at me every few seconds. She's waiting for me to speak, I think.

So I do. "Yah, should I just go for it?"

She finally directly looks at me, her eyebrows shot up.

"Should I just try actually going for Hyukjae?"

"Donghae." Minjae sets her camera away and her whole body turns to me. "Are you sure?"

I shrug, trying to make it seem nonchalant. "It's worth a shot."

Minjae grabs my shoulders, pulling me so we sit facing each other in the car. Our eyes meet. Her gaze on me is filled with shock and worry, and she's trying to look into my soul through my eyes. It makes me give up on trying to hide my anxiety.

She bites her lip before quietly asking: "can you handle it?"

I feel like crying. My eyes are already wet, but I try my best to hold my tears back from falling. "Isn't it better than doing nothing at all?"

She squints at me. I muster all the measly courage in my meek body and try to focus it in my eyes in an attempt to look convincing. I need her support. If she supports me on this, I think I can at least try. I'm desperate enough to do this. I don't think I can go on without any sort of conclusion from Hyukjae.

Minjae who is not a girl of skinship suddenly moves her hand to cup my face. She's never done this before. I'm a bit flustered by the gesture, but I think I like it. It doesn't last long, though, because then she's squeezing my shoulders tightly and shaking me back and forth.

"Our Donghae's grown up," she croons. It's a dumb gesture and I want to slap her for it, but it also makes me smile. My effort to convince her worked, I think. It goes on for too long though and I give her a light jab on her waist for it.

She laughs. But she doesn't take her hand off my shoulders, using them to set me in place. "Yah, but listen. You will tell me anything you plan to do before you actually do it, okay? God knows you're awful at making decisions."

"Fine, fine." I was planning to do that anyway.

She smiles one more time before finally grabbing her things and make the move to get out. Before she closes the door, she peeks her head in to say: "I don't want you to get hurt, okay?"

The door closes before I answer. My smile lingers on my face. It feels great to receive support for the dumb things I want to do. I put my hands back on the wheel and start driving home.

My heart is racing from the anticipation. I don't even have any idea what I want to do yet. But I know that I want Lee Hyukjae to be mine, as my heart has decided. There's no turning back now.

More of Donghae's dilemma and finally something concrete, right?

I know we haven't been seeing a lot from Hyukjae's side, but it's coming in future chapters. He has problems of his own...

Thank you so much for everyone's support and love! =^.^= It's really overwhelming. I hope to give you a story you guys can enjoy!